We all had ghosts. Mine left tiny white feathers when I least expected it. I didn’t know if they had come from my mother or brother. It didn’t matter. When I saw one, I paused, filling with the most intense emotion.
I also had another ghost.
And he was holding open the door to the coffee shop, staring into my eyes, and I was filled with an emotion that literally took my breath away.
“Jared …” I tried to inhale and couldn’t. “Hi.”
A woman bumped into my shoulder when she attempted to get by, her tray of coffees threatening to spill, and that was when I realized I was standing in the middle of the doorway.
With him still holding the door, I headed toward it, and when I got to his side, his fingers went to reach for my lower back to embrace me, but he stopped halfway. And then we both looked at his hand that was still hanging in the air.
He left it there, his gaze moving up to my eyes. “How are you?”
I slid to the side of the door, so I wouldn’t block the entrance. “I’m okay.”
I hadn’t lied to him at any point while we were together, so I wasn’t going to start now. Besides, he would see right through it. He knew what I looked like at my worst, and there had been points during our relationship where he definitely saw my smile at its best.
The place I was in now, I didn’t know what it was called.
In-between maybe.
He joined me against the brick building, pressed against it in a spot where we weren’t in the main path of the sidewalk. Where he positioned himself was only a few feet away, and that was making it even harder for me to find air.
It had been two months since I last saw him and several weeks since he sent a text. I understood why they had slowed and stopped.
Still, part of me missed them.
No matter how much time had passed, this didn’t get easier.
Especially now as I took in his handsome face.
Kissing Jared would make me forget. It would take away all the pain, giving me the taste I’d been craving every minute since I kicked him out.
But I had to keep reminding myself that he couldn’t be the hero who had protected me from the crash and the man who had killed half of my family.
I couldn’t find a way to make that settle inside me, so I had made a choice.
Still, as I looked into his eyes, I remembered all the happy times we’d had together. And I was reminded of the tingling he’d caused in my stomach, the way my heart had clenched when I thought about him touching me.
I put my right hand over it while it thumped in my chest and said, “How are you?”
He didn’t answer immediately. He let his eyes roam my face, dipping to my lips, going around my cheeks before he returned to my stare. “I’m not going to say things are good.”
The circles under his eyes were darker than before. I was sure he was back to not sleeping well.
I heard a plane overhead, distracting me from that thought, bringing me to a new one. “Have you been traveling?”
If Jared wanted, he could log in to any social media site and get his virtual fill of me. He could watch videos where I talked about food and ate. He could see pictures of my life, businesses I was promoting, places I’d visited during my recent drive around New England.
I saw nothing from him.
Besides the memories I’d stored in my brain and the pictures I’d taken with my phone, he didn’t exist. So, those were the things I held on to.
“I just returned to town this morning,” he said.
I didn’t know why I needed the answer. Why I was still standing here, speaking to him. But this was the only place I wanted to be right now. “How long were you away?”
“The whole time, Billie.” He let that set in and then added, “I just came back to sign my closing papers.”
I felt the shock shudder through my chest. “You’re moving?”
His eyes turned even more intense, and he shifted his body against the building. He didn’t come any closer, but it felt that way as I inhaled his scent. I tried to ignore it, focusing on his news rather than the way my body was responding to his cologne.
Jared loved his condo. He had worked with the architect to design it just the way he wanted. I was so curious as to why he would sell it. But getting that answer would make me feel closer to him, and right now, I was having the most difficult time staying even this far away.
“How’s the food business?” he asked.
As he changed the subject, I glanced down at his shirt, stopping at the two open buttons and the small amount of hair that peeked out.
Details.
I was soaking in each one.
“It’s getting better,” I replied. “I’ve been booking jobs within driving distance. My taste buds still aren’t what they were, but I’m able to work, and that’s a huge improvement.” I clasped my hands around the coffee, trying to get them to stop shaking. “I sent you an email. It was returned.”
Even though Jared wasn’t in my life anymore, he had paid for a service, and I was under contract, so I continued to feature the restaurant on my channels. Before I’d sent him the quarterly report, I’d wondered if he would reply to my email. I certainly hadn’t expected it to go undelivered, especially since that was one of our only open lines of communication. But I assumed that was his way of telling me the business side of our deal was over.
The last part of us severed.
“Billie …”
The sound of my name hurt.
I heard it all the time in his voice, but it was only in my head. And with it came his arms and mouth and tongue, and it was okay because it wasn’t really happening.
“I’ll do anything for you to forgive me.”
With Jared gone, I’d had time to think, and one of the things I’d kept circling back to was Flight 88. The operator of the drone hadn’t intended for it to hit the engine of the plane. Now, it was something he would live with for the rest of his life. And now, the survivors were left with the aftermath of what that crash looked like. By the operator admitting fault, it didn’t make our pain easier. It certainly didn’t make anything about what had happened all right. But it had given us closure.
That was what Jared and I needed.
My eyes welled with tears. I’d been fighting them. I had known they would come eventually, but I’d been trying so hard to hold them off. “When you got in your car,” I said, licking the drops from my lips, “I know you didn’t intend for that accident to happen. I know you were just trying to get home, and falling asleep behind the wheel is the last thing you ever wanted.” I took a breath, my throat tightening. “And for that, I forgive you.” One day, I hoped to forgive him for lying to me, but I just wasn’t there yet.
“Thank you.” His eyes were filling with emotion, and it made everything inside me ache harder. “I’m still so fucking sorry, Billie.”
“I know.”
He wiped the bottom of his lids, keeping his voice low. “I wish I could take it back. All of it.”
“I believe you.”
I knew that sounded crazy after I called him a liar, but it was an honest response, and I had a feeling he could tell.
He ran his hand down his beard as though he were drying his whole face. “Come flying with me.”
“Oh God.” My fingers went to my throat to work some of the air through, and I pushed my back against the brick. “Don’t ask me that, Jared.” I shook my head back and forth, feeling the tears brim my eyes again.
I’d come so far, and I had been gearing myself up for that moment, but I still wasn’t there. And hearing that question was like seeing an old friend, which was the part that hurt the most.
He tapped himself in the chest with his thumb. “I’m supposed to be there with you.” He did it again when he took a breath. “I’m supposed to make sure you’re okay up there.”
My bottom lip trembled.
My shoulders quivered.
I wanted that, and I knew I shouldn’t.
“Jesus Christ, come here,” he said, and he reached forward so fast, pulling me against him.
I felt the coffee drop from my hand. I circled my arms around his body, burying my face in his chest, and I hugged him.
And while I squeezed, I lost everything.
The pent-up emotions.
The sleepless nights.
The anxiety.
The hopelessness.
And while he held me back, I was reminded of why I loved this man so much. How he’d protected me in his own selfish way. How he’d made me believe no one else existed. How he’d shown me a love I’d never felt before. One that I’d probably never feel again.
I soaked it all in, conflicted in a way that made me grasp him harder, filling my nose with his scent. And as I tightened my grip, I memorized the way this moment felt. Every single second of it, especially the ones where his lips were kissing the top of my head. And when I knew my heart couldn’t take any more, I pulled back, my body slowly unraveling from his.
With Jared no longer blanketing me, I was instantly hit with an icy breeze.
Before we were completely separated, he grabbed my hand, our fingers lacing together until those slowly dropped apart too.
“Don’t tell me this is the last time we’re going to see each other.”
As my gaze circled his beautiful, tortured face, I thought of my parents, how even after all of these years, my father was still so in love with my mother. He had dated in the past and was in a relationship now, but none of the women meant to him what my mom had.
That was what happened when you found your soul mate.
You loved them forever.
The same way I would love Jared.
That was what made this so fucking hard to say. “I’m not ready for more. I … can’t. I don’t know when. I just … don’t know.”
The torment in his eyes lightened a little, the emotion lifting from his voice. “I can accept that, Billie.”
Before things had advanced between us, I never understood why he was always leaving me in places when it felt like our conversation was just getting started. When I’d learned his reasoning, it made perfect sense.
And it was the same way I felt right now.
If I stayed in this spot for one second more, my mouth was going to be on his. I wasn’t ready for that. I needed to heal, I needed to find some resolution within myself, and I couldn’t do that if he was a present fixture in my life.
As much as it hurt, I reached forward, my thumb gently grazing the side of his lip, like my fingers were kissing him instead. His whiskers roughed up my skin, and I whispered, “Good-bye, Jared.”
I felt his eyes on me as I walked away from the coffee shop, and I heard him say my name as I made it another step. When he voiced it again, I pressed a finger against each of my ears, similarly to how I had blocked the noise on the plane, and I kept moving deeper into Greenwich Village.
Jared wasn’t the loudest sound I’d ever heard, but his voice caused my chest to ache the worst.
Jared
Me: Just say the words, Billie …
Billie: Soon.
Billie
“This is a boarding call for Flight Twenty-One to Martha’s Vineyard. All first-class and business-class passengers are welcome to board at this time,” the gate agent said as I was seated right next to his desk.
I glanced down at the oversize bag on my lap that I’d placed there when we first arrived at the gate. In it, I’d packed us Twizzlers and crackers and lots of gum. There were also bottles of essential oils that I was already lathered in. My tablet and laptop and phone were all loaded with more than enough entertainment for us.
Knowing that was the announcement we’d been waiting for, I went to stand and felt a hand on my leg. It stayed there for just a second, and then it found my fingers and squeezed them so tightly.
The contact gave me more calmness that I needed.
I glanced to my left to respond. I couldn’t smile yet. But if it were possible, I would have. Instead, I took a deep breath and let it simmer for several seconds before I said, “I’m okay.”
“You’re really ready to do this?”
I looked down at Ally’s hand that was wrapped around mine and then up at her face. “Yes.”
“I’m so fucking proud of you right now.”
It was a few weeks shy of the one-year anniversary of the crash.
It was time.
And I was ready to get this part of my life back.
I tightened my grip, my way of responding, before I released her. I then lifted the thick handles of my bag and slung it over my shoulder. Once I took a step, I found my phone and got my e-ticket ready.
“Good morning,” the gate agent said.
“Hi.” I placed my phone on the reader and waited until it beeped before I moved to the side, so Ally could do the same.
As soon as she finished, she linked her hand with mine again, and we entered the jet bridge.
“Talk to me.”
I felt her eyes on me and said, “I’m really okay.”
This wasn’t the first time I’d been to the airport since the crash. Part of my therapy included coming here on several different occasions where I walked down a jet bridge, stepped onto a plane, and sat in one of the rows. The only thing I hadn’t done was get in the air.
She brought my fingers up to her mouth and kissed my knuckles, making the same sound she used when she was trying to get her daughter to giggle. “How okay are you? Like, selfie-level okay?”
We were at the beginning of the jet bridge, and I turned to her. My heart was racing but not in a way I couldn’t handle. My hands were fidgety, but I’d found that was my new normal.
I thought of all the people who would want to see that picture.
Of the faces that would smile when they saw it.
“How about this?” I closed my eyes and took in another long inhale, holding it in for just a second. “I’ll do it but only if you send the photo to my dad.”
I swore, her eyes teared a little when she responded, “Deal.”
My eyes did the same as I thought of the only person I was going to send the picture to.
The one whose presence I could feel even though his hand wasn’t holding mine.
Jared
Me: I couldn’t be prouder. Now, go start living, beautiful girl.
Epilogue
Jared
I sat in the back of the small restaurant and faced the front door. I knew Billie’s flight had already arrived, and I was sure she had checked into her hotel. The only thing I couldn’t predict was if she’d dine at her favorite restaurant on the first night she was in Italy, the same way she had done the last time she visited the country. That was why I kept my eyes on the entrance, watching every face that came in.
I had been sitting here for a few hours when my wrist began to hurt. That was the moment I knew change was coming. I felt it in my heart, in the breeze that wafted in when the door opened. Billie stepped into the intimate space, glancing in both directions.
It had been fourteen months since the crash, and this was the first time she had gone overseas since she started flying again a little more than two months ago. I didn’t make it a habit of checking her social media. It was too hard, knowing she wasn’t ready to be with me. But when I had seen her post about the trip, I reached out to Ally, wanting to surprise Billie in Venice. After some convincing that I would never hurt her best friend again, Ally had become my main source of information.
My fucking God, I thought as I gripped the edge of the table.
I didn’t know how it was possible, but Billie was even more gorgeous than the last time I had held her. There was an elegance in her stature, a body that looked healed and so healthy. The beauty in her face made me stop breathing.
I didn’t have to stand or raise my hand to get her attention. The place didn’t have more than six tables, so her eyes natural
ly fell to me. When they did, it took several seconds before she realized who she was looking at.
Her eyes widened, and her lips parted, brows as high as they could go. “Jared …”
She was across the room, and I still heard her. I still felt the powerfulness of her voice like she was whispering in my ear.
I knew she felt it, too, because she didn’t move at first. She stood frozen at the door, taking me in, a mix of every emotion passing over her face, and I watched it all—the thoughts, the deep breaths, the questions. And then she finally released her lip she’d been gnawing on and made her way over to me.
“Hi,” she said as she approached. “Jared, what are you doing here?”
I rose to greet her and stepped forward, my hand going to her waist. She leaned into my fingers, and I bent down and kissed her cheek. Her eyes closed as my mouth pressed against her skin. I left my lips there for a second longer than I needed to before I returned to my seat.
“Would you like to join me for dinner?” I pointed at the chair she was now gripping with both hands.
With shock still registering on her face, she nodded.
A waiter came to the table as soon as we sat. I’d told him hours ago I was waiting for a woman, and when he joined us, he was smiling.
“Red or white?” he asked.
“Red,” Billie answered.
“Same,” I replied.
She lifted the water glass off the table and took a large drink from it. When she set it back down, she kept her hands circled around it. “I’m so surprised you’re here,” she said, staring at me like I was about to disappear. “How did you know? Or even find this place?”
My cell was in my jacket. I tapped the screen several times, showing her the hand-drawn map. “This made it easy.”
She continued to look at it. “I always wondered if you had texted yourself that picture from my phone.”
I couldn’t take all the credit.
I winked and added, “A little birdie might have helped me as well.”
Don't Break This Kiss (Top Shelf Romance Book 5) Page 98
