His hands moved over me, outlining me to my hips and then dipping under my shirt, heating my skin. His body moved over mine, forcing me back on the couch as his lips travelled down my neck.
My insides twisted as his hands slid over my stomach. I had a secret, but so did he.
“Why was she there? Did she meet Viktor?” I still hadn’t even met him. Gage said I couldn’t. That he would let her, that he’d include her in that, pissed me off the most.
“No.” He hovered over me, arms braced at my sides as he dropped his head, sucking in a breath with a groan. “No one meets Viktor, except a select few.” He raised his head, searching my face. “Viktor had Alessandra set up the meet and greet after our meeting. Ian brought Cherry, they’re going to take over the strip club. I’ve just got to tie up some loose ends, and then I’m done there.”
It sounded good, but for some reason I couldn’t get the idea of Cherry out of my head. How did she get so high, it didn’t make sense? And I hated how her success ate at me. “Why is she taking over if she was only a stripper? I thought she was temporary.”
He lifted off of me and sat at the end of the couch at my feet. I scooted myself up to sitting and hugged my legs; his reaction put me on edge.
“She started as a stripper, yes. But since that incident when she was cut, she stopped.” He leaned his forearms on his knees. “Since then, she’s been learning the club.” He turned his head forward, no longer looking at me. “And more.”
“And more,” I repeated, ice sliding down my spine.
He flashed his eyes to me. “Not what you’re thinking.”
“And what am I thinking?” I wasn’t thinking anything, and his assumption pissed me off. I was trying to be open-minded here.
“You think I’ve done something with her. I never have. I never would.” There was an edge to his voice, growing sharper with every word. “God knows I’ve had the opportunity, but I wouldn’t do that. And I’m tired of you always accusing me of it.”
I was as still as stone. His outburst shocked me more than his words, and the words were bad enough.
“You’ve had the opportunity? And you still keep going around her?”
He leaned back on the sofa with a groan, but I spoke before he could answer, realizing the mistake I was making by letting the conversation go down this path. “Forget that. Why is she taking over? What has she been doing?”
He wiped his hands over his face. “I told you the girls turn to her. She knew about the missing girl.”
I nodded, waiting.
“She helped with that, and she never spoke out about any of it. She let us deal with it our way and kept quiet. She hasn’t met Viktor, but Viktor knows about her. He knows the role she plays at the club, and he rewards hard work and loyalty.”
“That’s it?”
He stared at me for a moment, hesitation in his eyes. Then he shook his head. “Her and Ian helped me when Viktor gave me that list.” His words were low, almost a whisper, and they crept under my skin, slithering through me.
“How?” I didn’t want to hear anymore, but I needed to.
“Only twice, she lured the men out of the bar to a back alley. I did the rest.”
He had let her in long before he let me in. And she was in, in a way that I never would be.
My feet hit the floor, and I rushed to the bathroom and locked myself in before I could think. I paced, taking breaths.
His knocks echoed through the bathroom. “Regan. Let me in. Talk to me.”
I opened the door, blocking the entrance. “Why did you tell her? Why did you trust her more than me?” The fire burning through me evaporated the tears behind my eyes.
He shook his head, gripping the doorframe at my side. “I didn’t. Ian did. But once she knew, she was game to help, and it worked. But it wasn’t that I trusted her more. Nothing about her is more than you.” He stepped towards me, forcing me to take a step back. “I didn’t include you because I care about you. I don’t give a fuck about her.”
“Ian told her?” I questioned, not wanting to admit how much I liked hearing he didn’t care about her.
The intensity faded from him, and one corner of his mouth turned up. “Yeah. I think they’ve got something going on.”
I wrapped my arms around my waist as relief flooded me, leaving me weak and shaky as the anger receded.
He slipped his arms around me, pulling me close as he bent his knees so he was on my level. “I know you want to be included. But there are some things I won’t ever let you be a part of. And that’s one of them.” He captured my eyes with his. “But I will tell you everything, from now on. I’ll include you in what I can.” He nodded. “Like tonight. Now that I know it was all legit, you can come next time. This Friday, I’m meeting with a few investors and we’re looking at spaces, you should come.”
My mind swirled, I wanted to be a part of this. “All right.”
He lifted me off my feet with his kiss, pulling me down the hall to the bedroom.
Setting me on the bed, he didn’t pull his lips from mine as he undid his pants and kicked them off then stretched out beside me. His hands pushed my hair from my face. “You are my queen, and you’ll be at my side through it all.”
His words tugged at something in me, pulling loose emotions I no longer had a firm hold on. Tears prickled my eyes because I knew it was all going to change. I had wanted to be his partner, and now I couldn’t, not if I had this baby.
Baby. I shouldn’t have thought of it that way.
“Are you all right?” Gage pulled back, eyes scanning over me. “Shit, I forgot you’re not feeling well.” he rolled off of me, but kept his arm around my waist.
I ran my hand over his forearm. “I’m feeling better than earlier, but still a little sick.”
He rested his forehead on the side of my face, breath blowing on my neck. “And here I am pushing myself on you. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”
I bit my lips, to keep in the secret that I wanted to spill. Not yet. I wanted to go to that club one last time, make myself known to Cherry one last time. Maybe show Gage that I could be by his side still. And I didn’t want to ruin his good night. We may have fought, but as he snuggled up next to me, his brow was relaxed and a smile turned up his lips. He wasn’t lined with stress for once. I’d give him this night. Or maybe two.
Before I ruined everything.
15: Never Had A Chance
“IT’S OKAY IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT today. You need to rest if you’re still not feeling well.” Gage’s hand trailed down my back.
I met his eyes in the mirror before pulling the toothbrush from my mouth and spitting into the sink. Did he hear me get sick this morning? I had tried to cover it with the water from the shower.
I rinsed with mouthwash and spit again, then rose back up to look at him. “I want to go. I’m all right.”
A frown pulled at his lips and he crossed his arms, watching me. There were questions in his eyes, and I braced myself, knowing I couldn’t lie if he asked direct.
“You’re going to the doctors this morning?” His mind was working, and I prayed he wouldn’t piece the clues together just yet. Not until I had a chance to piece together the ones surrounding him.
I nodded, leaning on the counter behind me.
“Good, maybe they can check you out and get you medicine. You should get the flu shot while you’re there.”
The corner of my mouth lifted. “It’s not that type of doctors.”
“What, woman don’t get sick? Woman doctors should cover this stuff, too.” His lips curled in a smile as he stepped close and kissed my forehead. “Go to one of those walk in places after if your doctors can’t help. It’s going on three days now, you need to make sure you’re okay, especially with your fight coming up. I’m sure your coach agrees with me.”
“All right.”
He puffed a laugh. “Agreeable today.” He pressed his palm to my forehead and cheeks. �
�Maybe you’re sicker than I thought.”
I smacked away his touch, trying to step away. “Shut up. I can be agreeable when you make sense.”
“Hmm.” He pulled me back to him by my hip. “I like when you get rough with me.” His voice was deep and raspy, but a thread of teasing ran through it.
I laughed as I turned into him. “What is with you this morning? Maybe you’re the one coming down with something.” I liked this lighter, happier side of Gage, but it made it even harder to speak up. I didn’t want to be the one to take it away.
“Everything.” He shook his head, arms wrapping around my waist, voice dropping. “It’s you. Spending the evening with you last night, even just lying together.” His hands slid up my back. “I needed that. I feel recharged, better than ever.” He kissed along my forehead, lips spreading to a smile. “I feel like I could go take over the world.”
The words circled my heart, warming me, but my secret had a tighter hold, strangling me. I pulled away, trying to keep the teasing tone. “That wasn’t me. That was sleep. You haven’t been getting enough.”
He had taken off yesterday to spend the evening with me at home, sabotaging my plans of going to the club with him. But I used not feeling well as an excuse to just lie in bed watching movies, barely talking. I couldn’t talk, everything I said felt like a lie, a missed opportunity to admit the truth. I was a hypocrite and it was eating at me. After today, I would tell him. I had to. But that made me more nauseous than the lie.
His fingers lifted my chin, making me look at him, all humor gone. “No, it wasn’t. It’s you. You’re the best thing in my life, and I need you. Don’t doubt that.”
I nodded, shaky as emotion choked me.
He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips. “Now go to the doctors, and then come home and rest so you can get better. I’ll pick you up later to look at spaces. We’re meeting the realtor at three o’clock.”
I nodded again and he smiled.
“I like this agreeable Regan. Can we keep her?”
I shoved him away and went to get dressed. His laughter followed me.
***
The doctor sat in her chair, rolling in it till she was in front of me. Her silence was freezing, even if her eyes were warm. In fact, those eyes cut the most.
“Regan, you were late scheduling this shot, but you knew that, didn’t you?”
I nodded, voice not working.
The corners of her mouth lifted to a tentative smile. “Your urine sample came back with high levels of HCG. Typically a sign of pregnancy.”
“Typically, so I may not be?” I didn’t allow myself to hope one way or the other till she answered.
“Well, no. You more than likely are. There’s other things that can cause those numbers, but that’s not likely. I was just trying to ease you into the news.” She shrugged one shoulder with a light, nervous laugh.
I closed my eyes and dropped my head, letting it all sink in. Now someone else knew, it wasn’t just my secret and that made it real.
“Can you lie back so I can check you out real quick.” Her voice was so soft and gentle. She’d probably make a good mom. She probably was a good mom.
I wasn’t even a good person. How could I be a good mom? I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Not when I couldn’t even take care of myself enough to keep from getting pregnant.
Her gloved hands pressed low on my stomach. She folded back the top of my pants to press even lower. I watched as she moved her hands to the side where my jagged, silvery pink scar was from Damien’s blade.
“Does this hurt?” She questioned, voice level.
I shook my head, still numb.
She unfolded the band of my pants and pulled my shirt back down. “All done.” She extended her hand to mine to help me sit up.
Rolling on her chair, she glided to where a computer was in the corner and clicked on the keys till my name was at the top of the screen, all my information under it. She used the mouse to scroll down and then typed some things in.
“When was your last period?” She asked, sliding her glasses down to look at me.
I shrugged. “A couple months ago.”
She glanced at the screen. “Oh right, you’ve been getting the depo shot, so those things are hard to go by. Well let’s see…” She clicked over a couple of tabs, nodding as she read. “Oh good it’s open. Come with me, Regan.”
I dropped off the table, legs shaky, stomach spinning, and heart faltering. Every step made this more real.
We walked into the hall and she approached a nurse at a large desk. “I need a gown for Mrs. Lawson here. Can you get her one, and show her to room 203.”
The nurse reached to the side of the table and grabbed a package. Then she came around the desk to me.
“Rachel will take you to the room. I’ll be there in one moment.” She raised her eyebrows at me like this was something to look forward to.
I followed Rachel to a room down the hall. She flipped on the lights, illuminating machines with screens and an exam table in the center, set up like a reclining chair.
“It’s not really a gown.” Rachel tore the clear plastic wrap on the thin package she held. “You should undress from the waist down and lay this on top of you.” She handed me the blue folded paper cloth, then flashed a smile and left the room, closing the door behind her.
My heart was fluttering in my chest like it could float away, making me dizzy. My shaky limbs fumbled as I took off my pants and underwear. I didn’t want to do this. Dread pulled on me as I looked at the monitors. I wasn’t ready to see anything, but I couldn’t stop it. I just needed to get through this moment.
Sitting on the table, I kept my thoughts empty, staring straight ahead like I was in a trance. Until the door clicked open. I jumped at the sound, at the meaning. The doctor was here, and I had to face this.
“It’s fortunate we had a cancelation. You usually have to make these appointments weeks in advance.” She moved to the machine and put on gloves, unwrapping tools that didn’t look like they should be used on humans. She arranged these things on a tray at her side. “Lie back for me.”
I did, staring at the ceiling as she lifted the sheet at my waist.
“This might be cold, I didn’t get to warm the gel first, sorry.”
Something slid between my legs, filling me, and then the screen to my right lit up with waves of nothing.
She rotated the thing she held in me, the waves on the screen changing to dark and light spots. “All right, now we’re getting somewhere.” She shifted again. “See that little bean like thing on the screen? That’s a baby.”
My heart stopped. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the screen, although a part of me was screaming not to look. I could see it. I think.
“And it’s got a nice strong heartbeat.” She moved her free hand to the screen, pointing to the light that flickered fast and constant. “Right there. Amazing, right?” She sounded in awe, even if she saw these things everyday.
Tears were building behind my eyes, my heart cracking and crumbling. This should be amazing. It was amazing. This baby didn’t deserve to be inside me, it deserved someone better. Someone who would put it at the center of every decision.
“Everything looks healthy. You’re measuring at eight weeks, two days.”
My breath stopped. “Eight weeks.”
“Yes, let me print this for you and then we’ll figure out that due date.” She clicked a button and the whir of the printer started. Then she pulled the long wand from me and handed me a wipe. “Go ahead, clean up and get dressed. I’ll be right back in to talk.” She stood, reaching to the printer behind her. “Oh and here you go. Congratulations, your first picture.” She smiled, oblivious to, or ignoring, my panic.
***
I sat in the car out back of the club, trying to build the courage to go in. I gripped the thin photo in my hand, trying to keep firm on my decision. This baby, because it was a baby, with a heartbeat—It w
as my baby—deserved to be put first.
The epiphany came the moment the doctor left and I stared at the photo. I had been selfish in my thoughts, only caring about what I had with Gage, how our life would change. But there was a life growing in me that needed someone to put it first. It had to be me; I didn’t trust anyone else to do it. And this was one of those times that defined a person. I needed to be strong and make good choices for this baby that couldn’t protect itself. June would be here before I knew it. I needed to start now.
The picture was burning a hole in my pocket as I walked into the club. I had to let Gage know.
A few cleaners moved around the main room, one mopping floors, the other wiping down tables, another buffing the poles.
“Hi Regan,” A bubbly voice called from the bar, one of the girls lining up bottles and restocking needed items. “We need more oranges, the last batch have gone moldy.” She held up a net bag filled with the orange fruit.
“All right.” I nodded, not wasting time to pause and talk as I made my way to Gage’s office.
His door opened and he slid out, eyes widening for a split second when they landed on me. His smile was quick to follow as he pulled the door shut behind him. “I thought I was going to meet you later? You’re supposed to be at home.”
He must have seen something in my face because his smile dropped as he approached me, and he brushed my arm. “Did you just leave the doctors? Is everything okay?”
I couldn’t suck in breath to speak the words I needed to say, but I nodded, looking around the room. “We need to talk.”
His brows slammed down and he gripped my arm. “What’s wrong?”
I pulled from his hold, escaping to his office before the tears started. I didn’t want others to see me cry.
“Wait,” He called to me, his hand re-gripping my arm just as I opened the door.
I almost folded over as Cherry and Ian’s head popped up from leaning over the coffee table. The white powder lines in front of them burned into my vision, but Cherry’s smile sparked anger.
OtherSide Of Fear (Outside The Ropes #3) Page 13
