by Lisa Olsen
“If you can stay on for a day or so, I can make the arrangements.”
“No, I need to be – not here.”
“Anja, I’m so sorry. I’m sure it’s…”
I held up my hand, tears threatening in the face of her pity. “I’ll see you at home.” I didn’t see Rob or Bridget and that was definitely for the best.
Hanna drove in silence, which I appreciated for the first half hour while my head cleared. The more distance we put between us and the boat, the easier it was to think. Unfortunately, that also made it easier to remember, and I fiddled with the radio, desperate for something to take my mind off of the night’s events.
“Do you know where you’re going?” I asked when I couldn’t find anything soothing.
“More or less,” she shrugged. “We stick to the highway until we hit Puerto Vallarta. Then it’s pretty much follow the signs to the airport. We should be able to find a hotel nearby to crash at.”
She was right, I’d need a place to hole up in for the daytime before we could fly home. I knew it was a lot later than she was used to staying up, especially without a mocha and no Starbucks in sight. “Do you want me to drive for a while? I’m better now, I swear.”
“No, I’m good.”
The silence bothered me all of a sudden, and I felt the need to fill the space. “Do you want to play a game? How about I see something?”
“I thought you didn’t want to talk to people?” she frowned.
“You’re not people, you’re my sister. If I can’t talk to you, who can I talk to? Just, you know, don’t try and cheer me up. I don’t want to cheer up, all I want to do is stop feeling everything for a while, at least until we get somewhere I can have a good ugly cry.”
“Hey, I’m not the Pollyanna in the family, that’s you. People suck. This just proves it.”
“Ordinarily I’d argue with that, but…” I relapsed as my murky thoughts surfaced again. It didn’t last long though. For every lousy, rotten person that came to mind, there were just as many great ones, even my bruised and battered heart knew that. “I don’t know. There are good people out there, I just… I really thought Rob was one of them.”
“That’s what you get for falling in love with a vampire. They can’t be trusted.”
I stared at her, slack jawed. Not even getting into the fact that I was a vampire, she’d fallen in love with one herself. “How can you say that? What did Mason ever do to you?”
“You mean besides lie to me about what he is and compel me into doing God knows what?”
“I’ve already told you he kept it a secret from you for so long because I ordered him to. All he did was love you and you tortured him.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Her voice rose into a hysterical wail as tears started streaming down her cheeks. The sight of her tears opened up the floodgates, and my thin veneer of control eroded as I erupted into sobs beside her. She pulled to the side of the road, and we wept together, clinging to each other in a desperate hug.
It felt good to let it out, the outpouring of sorrow less frightening and more therapeutic than the rage I’d been trying to keep a tight hold over. From the way Hanna’s shoulders shook, I got the idea this might be the first time she’d let herself have a good cry over what’d happened to her since that night in front of the bonfire months ago.
We huddled, sniffling in the dark, not caring how much of a mess we were until the storm of emotion subsided. “I can’t believe it’s really over,” I mumbled, the pain of Rob’s betrayal more of an ache than a throb now. “I thought we’d be together forever.”
“It’s better you find out what kind of a man he really is now,” Hanna sniffed, wiping her nose on her sleeve. “At least you have the luxury of knowing it’s nothing you did. I screwed things up so bad with Mason. I don’t think I can ever make things right.”
“You don’t have to, he knows it wasn’t your fault. Lodinn compelled you to treat him that way.”
“It’s not only that. It is my fault I’ve left him out in the cold for so long. I just couldn’t…” She shook her head. “All I wanted to do was forget. Only I couldn’t forget. It didn’t matter if Mason was around or not, every time I looked in the mirror I’d get a flash of something I’d said or did. God, I can’t believe I let it take over my whole life. Mason, my job… You remember what I said about having money saved up? That was bullshit. I withdrew my last five hundred dollars to come on this trip.”
“Oh, Hanna, why didn’t you tell me? Please let me help you out. What’s the point in my having money if I can’t give it to the people I love?” There had to be a way to give her a chunk of money and save her pride at the same time. I resolved to talk to Maggie about it later.
She smiled, swiping at her cheeks. “It’s okay. I won enough at craps to float for a few months, so in a way, you already have helped me.”
“That’s not enough though. Hanna, I’m so sorry your life is so screwed up, it’s all my fault. Without me, you never would’ve gotten mixed up in any of this.”
“No, it’s not. I think we both have to learn to stop playing the blame game. Sometimes things are just fucked up, and there’s nothing we can do about it. It’s not your fault and it’s not mine and it’s not Mason’s. We just have to learn to move on.”
“Why not give him a call then?”
“I don’t know. That’s not the kind of moving on I meant.”
“Hanna, he still loves you, I guarantee it. I hear it in his voice every single time I talk to him. He never stops asking about you.”
“He does?”
I smiled at the tinge of hope I saw there. “I may be lousy at seeing what’s going on in my own relationship, but I can tell you both still have serious feelings for each other.”
Her brows rose in skepticism. “That’s not the best recommendation for your judgment.”
“I know,” I admitted with a laugh, and somehow I felt better. If I could still laugh, I’d survive this.
* * *
When we got to the hotel in Puerto Vallarta, I realized I didn’t have my purse, my passport, my luggage, nothing. Hanna had her purse with her and checked us into a double room and we both collapsed in the darkened room, thoroughly worn out. There were arrangements to be made, but I was so tired (and lazy – I admit, I’d gotten used to Maggie taking care of such things), all I wanted to do was sleep.
But the last thing I wanted was to accidentally run into Rob or Bridget the next night, assuming they were trying to get home too. The quicker we got out of town, the better. Though I didn’t even want to think about what I’d do when Rob made it home as well. The thought of watching him pack up his things and go made me want to cry again.
I thought about calling Bishop, he had offered me the use of the Order’s resources before, but I decided it wasn’t fair to him to lean on him for something like this. I didn’t want to call Jenessa either. I had this vision of a speculative gleam coming into her eyes the moment she found out Rob was single again. Maybe that was an unfair judgment on my part, but my benefit of the doubt was on the fritz.
I’d picked up my phone to call Leander to sound him out for help when Hanna plucked it out of my hand and set it on her side of the bedside table.
“Why don’t you get some rest and let your big sister take care of this one? I need a cat nap and then I’ll book us a flight home, okay?”
“Are you sure? I can get Leander to wire us some money for the trip home, no problem.”
“Nah, I’m flush with cash, remember? You can pay me back later. Now stop with the phone and get some sleep.”
By the time I woke the next night, she’d booked us a flight to San Jose and thanks to my powers of compulsion, I totally got to pull the you don’t need to see my identification Jedi mind trick. I had plenty of time to think on the flight, part of me dreading walking into the house by myself. Maybe I’d stay in San Jose with Hanna for a few days? But as we disembarked at the airport, I saw a familiar figure waiting for us in
the arrivals lounge.
“You called Mason?” I stopped short in surprise, almost getting plowed over by a sweaty man wearing too much denim.
Hanna’s eyes rested on his hopeful smile. “Yep, I figured we’d need a ride.”
The pretext was ridiculous, of course. There was no reason he’d need to drive all that way when we could take a shuttle service to her place, but I was willing to go with it if it brought them together again.
“Hello, ladies.” His smile stretched wider as we approached. “Somebody call for a taxi?”
A challenging lilt that I hadn’t heard in a while came into Hanna’s voice. “That all depends. What will it cost me?”
“A cup of coffee?”
“I think that sounds fair,” she smiled, and that’s when I realized, I’d better find my own way home. They needed this time alone together far more than I needed a place to crash to avoid running into Rob.
“You two go ahead, I can make it back to San Francisco on my own.”
“Are you sure?” Mason’s brows drew together with concern. “I don’t mind driving. I’ve got a full tank of gas and a Wham CD in the car stereo.”
“No, I think I’d rather be on my own for now. I’ll be fine. Thanks though, I appreciate you coming down here.”
Mason wrapped me up in a big bear hug. “You let me know if you want me to crack some skulls,” he said in a low voice. “I got your back, sis.”
I was too numb to care that Hanna had obviously told him the circumstances of our early arrival. The news of my break-up with Rob would be out sooner or later, though hopefully we could keep the more lurid details quiet. “I already cracked a few of his ribs, I think I’m good on revenge for now, but I’ll keep you in mind.”
Hanna and I exchanged a brief hug as well. “Give me a call when you’re ready to watch Steel Magnolias,” she said.
“Absolutely I will,” I smiled, blinking past the threat of tears. “Good luck,” I whispered for her ears only.
“Are you ready, kitten?” Mason asked when we pulled apart.
“You know Careless Whispers is my jam,” she replied, her smile overly bright. I could tell she was super nervous, but it was a start.
* * *
It was less than an hour before dawn by the time I made it home. The house was blessedly empty, Lee and Gunnar still off doing God knew what since I wasn’t scheduled to return for several more days. As much as I loved those guys, I was glad to have the place to myself. I don’t think I could’ve survived any sage advice without another burst of waterworks.
I knew I had to go to bed soon, but I was reluctant to go down to the bedroom we shared. Maybe I’d crash in one of the spare rooms for the day? Either way I headed for the front parlor instead of my room to snap on the comforting sound of the TV. The news I found there was just as depressing as the scent of Rob’s aftershave on my pillow. The early morning newscasters were discussing the facts of another grisly murder. A girl found two nights ago, not two blocks from Dead Lazlo’s. It didn’t take long to figure out it was likely vampire related, and I went to my office to check and see if Leander had mentioned anything about it in his latest report.
Nope, not a word. Of course not. No one cared. What’s another dead body in a sea of people who all exist as our own personal food bank? It didn’t matter how much I tried to bring human rights to the forefront of the vampire community, when push came to shove, we were all killers, a slave to the call of the blood. Rob had proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My phone buzzed with a text from Carter. The last one he’d sent was a silly picture of a dog sitting at the front door, waiting for its master to come home. This one read, when you get back from your girly bonding, I’ve got another one.
It was late. The sun would be up in less than an hour. What I should do was get some rest and hope that things looked brighter in the morning. But I couldn’t stand to be there for one more day. I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping in the bed I’d shared with Rob. More importantly, I didn’t believe in the position of Elder anymore, and I was tired of beating myself up over it. If vampires didn’t want to change, fine, so be it. I’d be the one to make a change.
Moving fast now before I lost the courage, I gathered up the important things. A few clothes, Mr. Buns, the thumb drive with Anja’s Song on it. It took me less than ten minutes to pack up my old world and step into my future. I considered leaving a note behind, a letter of resignation or some explanation for my disappearance, but in the end, I simply left my ring of office on top of my desk. I’d contact Maggie later when I got to wherever the heck I ended up. As an afterthought, I gathered up the stack of Bishop’s letters and tucked them away as well.
My fingers closed over Rob’s silver locket. It’d become such a part of me I hadn’t realized I still had it on. I didn’t do that thing they do in the movies where they tug on it and it breaks free dramatically. Instead, I very carefully unclasped the old chain, holding the cool metal in my hand. The tarnished locket swung back and forth over the ring on my desk, the movements almost hypnotic.
I shoved it deep into my pocket and left.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Bishop started to think there was a very real possibility that Lodinn had been fucking with them and Carys wasn’t alive at all. They’d been to six countries so far, with no success. Each new lead only ended in disappointment and very frequently rage where Jakob was concerned. Even the Ellri’s burning enthusiasm to find her was starting to wane.
After the latest debacle in Bucharest, Jakob had sunk into a deep depression, not emerging from his room for days. Finally, Bishop had had enough. He entered without knocking, finding Jakob surrounded by discarded bottles of wine. His golden hair in wild disarray and clothes stained and rumpled, the Ellri sprawled on the cold stones, gazing at the empty fireplace. He neither looked up nor acknowledged Bishop’s presence in any way.
“I think maybe we should call it quits and go home.”
“I have no home,” Jakob replied, his voice forlorn, and Bishop sank to the floor beside him, grabbing the bottle for a drink.
“Maybe it’s time you turned your thoughts to that then.”
Jakob snatched the bottle back jealously, cradling it to him. “I will not rest until I find Carys. I owe her this.”
There was only so much time Bishop was willing to devote to futile pursuit. “Maybe you should find someone else to help you then. Nothing I can think of seems to do the trick.”
“You do yourself a disservice. You have a gift for seeing patterns that I lack. Indeed, you have proven most resourceful in our search thus far. It’s only a matter of time until we find her, I am sure of it.” He clapped his hand on Bishop’s knee.
The rare words of praise caught Bishop by surprise, but more than likely it was just the wine talking. “Careful now, I’ll start to think we’re friends.”
“Perhaps not quite that,” Jakob allowed. “But I am coming to regret my earlier treatment of you. Perhaps if I’d been a touch more understanding, we could’ve avoided years of discord.”
“Why did you always give me such a hard time?” Bishop reached for the wine again and this time Jakob let him have it. “Was it just jealousy or what?”
“I never liked you, Ulrik, not from the start.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I thought there was something lacking in you, but perhaps it was me who lacked the ability to see into her heart.”
He hadn’t expected Jakob to say anything like that at all, and the silence stretched between them.
Jakob took the bottle back, tipping it back for a long drink as he stared at the cold hearth. “It pained me to see her look upon you with such devotion and for that I couldn’t forgive you.”
“Are you talking about me and Carys or Anja?” Bishop’s thoughts turned to Anja as they often did. He hadn’t sent her a letter in a while, for some reason it bothered him to let her know he was out looking for Carys. That, and it was a double edged sword getting ema
ils from her in response. While on the one hand he cherished every word from her, it hurt to hear about how happy she was with Rob. Did Jakob feel the same? He hardly ever mentioned Anja anymore. Was it because he’d moved on over the past few months or was it self preservation?
“It is the same,” Jakob shrugged.
“Carys doesn’t love anyone but herself. We both should’ve realized that years ago.”
“Don’t be too sure of that. I see now where I erred with Carys. If I had it to do over again, I would tread differently.”
Regrets from Jakob? This was definitely a new line of thinking for the Ellri. “What would you do?” Bishop prodded.
“Compulsion has not bound her to me as tightly as I’d hoped. Perhaps freedom will yield different results when we find her?”
“If you love someone set them free, huh?” Bishop smiled. “That’s my plan of action for now with Anja too. I guess we’ll both see how it shakes down for us in the next century.” It still shocked the hell out of him that Jakob had left her with Rob without a single word of argument. “I have to admit, it sorta surprised me when you didn’t blink an eye about her and Rob. Doesn’t it bother you to see Anja in love with him?”
“It won’t last.”
“You sound awfully sure of that. I think you underestimate the effect Anja can have on a guy. You didn’t stick around to see her declare her undying love for him. I’d say they’re pretty attached,” Bishop added sourly and Jakob chuckled.
“Rob is many things, but well suited for Anja is not one of them. He is a blunt instrument and Anja requires delicate care.”
He’d thought that before too, but he’d been wrong about what she wanted before. “Maybe that’s what she needs?”
“She is young, what she needs will change, given enough time,” Jakob replied with absolute conviction. “That is the single hope that allows me to walk away. It’s why I allowed Carys to leave and carry out her own machinations over the years. It’s why I allowed you to live when I saw she’d formed such an attachment to you. All needs change with time.”
