But what if it never happened again? I fretted that we hadn’t made any plans to meet, despite his promise that we would.
The bedroom door opened and light spilled in from the hallway. Through the slit of my eyes I saw Tom framed in the doorway. His face was in shadow but I knew he was looking at me. Then he switched off the hall light and came into the room. I heard him removing his clothing and when he went into the bathroom, I burrowed further into the duvet, hiding my face from any further scrutiny.
Tom came out of the bathroom and stumbled around the bed in the dark, before he slipped in beside me.
I levelled my breathing feigning sleep while I listened to my husband. He was lying on his back, one hand behind his head. He sighed and then turned over, trying to find his comfortable sleeping position. Though I couldn’t see him, I knew every move he made in bed and recognized his stress and anxiety.
A good wife would ask what was wrong. But I was no longer the good wife and I was afraid to ask for fear that it was me that was wrong. Not, as was mostly likely, a problem at work. Even so, I lay awake until his breathing finally smoothed out and Tom fell into a restless sleep. Only then did I let myself rest.
Chapter Nine
Tom had already gone by the time I woke up the next day. I was shocked that I had fallen into such a deep sleep after all that had occurred. Bleary-eyed I stumbled out of bed and went to the kitchen. I put the kettle on and found a note from Tom with a list of jobs he wanted me to do: three of his suits had to go to the dry cleaners and he needed some more of his regular aftershave.
I fell into Carlisle wife mode and showered and dressed ready to do his errands.
My phone was charging beside the bed and when I switched it on I found a text from Tom with more things to add to his shopping list. I read the final text:
Meet me for lunch?
I looked in my diary, trying to find an excuse not to go, but the page was blank. I didn’t answer straight away, as I thought of an appropriate response.
Anything else?
I sent back in response to his list.
Yes. Mother wants to join us for lunch.
I took this in and tried not to read into it. Isadora would want to discuss the fundraiser. Her being there made sense. It would also be better than us being alone from my point of view.
When and where? I replied.
Tom sent Stefan to collect me because he didn’t need him that day. I sat in the back of the limo with Tom’s dry cleaning in the boot and his shopping list in my pocket, wondering if Stefan was keeping an eye on me. My phone pinged and I pulled it from my pocket, expecting more from Tom, but this time it was Ewan.
Slept really well. Think you wore me out yesterday xxx
My cheeks flushed and I glanced up at the glass screen between Stefan and myself, but the chauffeur’s eyes were on the road. I swallowed and sat back in my seat trying to look relaxed. The phone pinged again.
When can I see you?
I glanced back at Stefan who was paying full attention to the road, and I began to type my reply to Ewan. I was smiling.
I’m free tomorrow
Good. Come to my place x
I felt a twinge of lust as I recalled the purple satin sheets wrapping around us as we rolled in Ewan’s bed. Somehow knowing that we would do this again made me feel stronger. More determined.
***
Despite my inner bravado I was nervous as I walked into The Savoy restaurant to meet Isadora and Tom. They were both already at the table in deep conversation as I approached. Tom stood when he saw me and hugged me to him, kissing me lightly on the lips. Isadora squeezed my hand as I took my seat.
‘You’re such a good girl, Charlotte,’ she said. ‘The committee has been singing your praises.’
I smiled and relaxed. I don’t know what I thought this lunch date was going to be about, but I had feared some kind of intervention.
Tom’s phone rang at that moment and he excused himself to go outside to take the call.
‘Tom’s so proud of you,’ Isadora said. ‘He was just saying how you’ve never made him happier.’
I met Isadora’s eyes and smiled. ‘That’s so sweet. I’m happy too!’
I realized then that I always put on some form of act with Isadora and that day was no different from any other. And if my indiscretion hadn’t been discovered, then it was unlikely to be. If I was able to convince Isadora that I liked and appreciated her so well, then why couldn’t I hide my affair from Tom?
One day the Ewan-thing would burn out and life would return to normal. Until then I wanted to enjoy my little secret life.
But Isadora stole away my good mood.
‘I think for Tom’s sake neither of us should speak of what happened before the fundraiser. I mean … let him enjoy that it went well. I’d hate him to think there’s a problem between us.’
The smile fell from my face.
‘Tom’s happiness means everything to me, Charlotte. It should also be your main priority.’
‘What are you saying?’ I asked.
‘Just that; Tom needs to be kept content. It is the role of a Carlisle wife …’
‘I understand,’ I said.
Tom returned to us, and I gave him a genuine smile. I loved him after all, that hadn’t changed. I was just having a little fun. That wouldn’t hurt anyone, would it?
I was composed for the rest of lunch and Tom, feeling my happiness, held my hand under the table, and stroked my knee. Isadora noticed these small brushes of affection but made no comment.
‘Well, I have things to do,’ she said when lunch was over.
‘Me too,’ I said. ‘If you want, Stefan can take you both back and I’ll get the tube.’
‘Thank you,’ said Isadora. ‘But I’m okay. I’m going to do some shopping in town first.’
‘I’ll come home with you,’ Tom said to me.
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Yes. I think I’ll take the rest of the afternoon off.’
Tom never left work early.
‘You can do that?’
‘Of course. I’m the boss,’ he laughed.
Back at our apartment it became clear why Tom had taken the afternoon off. The kissing and groping started in the lift and continued once we were behind closed doors in our own apartment. We made it to the bed – just.
I was aroused and so went with the flow but behind my eyes I saw Ewan, not Tom. Tom’s usual sexual moves were no less thrilling though and with the added memory of my transgression I enjoyed our romp very much. Tom was more vigorous and demanding than usual, as though my happiness excited him.
I was still sensitive from the energetic sex the day before and his penetration sent ripples through the pit of my stomach and up my spine. I found myself screaming with pleasure. It was unlike us as a couple and I was awkward about it later.
After he came, Tom got up and pulled on his robe. Then he went into the home office and checked in at work.
My body was aching from the exertion and so I ran a bath. While I soaked, I heard Tom on the phone. His voice carried into the bathroom.
‘It’s all going very well, just as I’d hoped,’ he said.
I closed my eyes and dosed until the ping of my phone woke me.
I sat up in the bath and reached for the towel, drying my hand before I picked up and looked at my phone. It was a message from Ewan.
Can’t wait to see you x
I glanced at the half-open bathroom door then deleted all of Ewan’s messages.
What was I doing? I had a wonderful husband who knew how to satisfy me. Why did I need more?
‘Char? I’m heading back into the office for a couple of hours,’ Tom called. ‘Something’s come up. I won’t be home at the usual time, so we’ll just get a takeaway tonight. Okay?’
I placed the phone down at the side of the sink.
‘Yes, darling.’
‘I love you.’
‘Love you too.’
As the words came ou
t of my mouth I realized they no longer felt natural. They were as awkward on my lips as any lie.
Chapter Ten
I arrived at Ewan’s apartment before lunchtime the next day. Several times I’d almost turned back, but couldn’t. I knew this was wrong, but nothing could persuade me to stop. As before there was no one at the reception desk and I just made my way up to his floor in the lift, thankfully unobserved. I knocked on the door and Ewan answered almost immediately.
He looked a little shy as he stepped back and let me in.
‘Can I get you a drink?’ he asked.
I didn’t know whether we should just fall into each other’s arms or talk first. This was all new territory for me. It was awkward for a moment and then he smiled and started chatting about a forthcoming work trip he had to take. I found myself falling into natural conversation with him. Then he kissed me softly on the cheek.
‘I’m so glad you’re here.’
I turned my lips to his and pulled him into my arms. There was such warmth coming from him. Such gentleness and joy in the simple act of having me to talk to. We sat down on the sofa and cuddled for a while. The conversation led back to his work.
‘So where do you have to travel to?’ I asked.
‘I’m going to Milan on the next trip. I’ll be gone a few days.’
He told me his company provided fabrics to the fashion industry. There was a supplier in Milan that he regularly visited.
We went to bed then. It wasn’t frantic or overexcited like the first time. It wasn’t rough like my experiences with Tom could be. Instead Ewan was affectionate and loving. He took care of all of my needs above his own in an unselfish and leisurely way.
Afterwards, when we lay together, my head on his chest, his arm wrapped around me, we fitted together in a way that Tom and I didn’t – as if I belonged there.
Weeks went by and I learnt that Ewan was very different from Tom. More sophisticated, but less stilted. He was lively and fun with a great sense of humour. Occasionally he talked about his dead wife and at these times I listened to him. I’d hold him as we lay in the bed and I’d hear his heart tumbling in his chest. I knew he needed to purge himself of her and I was helping him do that.
Sometimes he had to travel for his company and I wouldn’t see him for several days, or a week. He kept in touch every day, either by text or, when he knew I was alone, he would call me and we’d talk about our days like an old married couple. Only we weren’t married and this was just an affair. I knew and accepted that, believing one day it would end and I’d return to my old life. Perhaps then I’d be ready to have the baby that Tom and Isadora wanted me to have. But not for now. This time was for me. This was my last few months of freedom.
‘I wish we could go out on a proper date,’ Ewan said as he got up to make us both a drink. Over the past six months our relationship had evolved quickly. We had become an important part of each other’s lives and this only compounded my guilt. We couldn’t be seen in public because I had to keep Ewan a secret from everyone.
As the weeks had gone by it had become a habit for me to go to his apartment in Hammersmith whenever I could. This was a haven. A private world we could both inhabit where I was allowed to be myself. No one else could see us. It was a fantasy other life, and sometimes I made us drinks, or brought food we could eat together. I suppose we played house in many ways. Though Ewan never offered me a key to the place and I never turned up unannounced. It didn’t occur to me to do that, because I knew he worked, and I had to plan our meetings carefully to avoid suspicion at home.
Tom and I were happy in a way. I had become quite good at pretending the world we shared hadn’t changed, and I was sure that Tom didn’t know or suspect anything and therefore he was happy in his oblivion. This made what I was doing acceptable because I convinced myself that no one was being hurt.
That afternoon, though, Ewan surprised me with his comment about a date. I thought he was happy with our trysts the way they were, understanding the need for secrecy.
‘We could be seen …’ I said and the expression on his face made me realize that maybe Ewan was the person being hurt by our relationship. I hadn’t thought this possible, believing he saw our liaisons as I did.
‘I mean, I’d love it if we could go to dinner. Sit and talk in public, even coffee like we used to,’ I said.
Ewan smiled. ‘I’d like to treat you how you deserve. Spend more than just … this sort of time together.’
His words struck a chord. I wanted this too, but hadn’t allowed myself to explore the possibility. At that moment I considered our future together and saw only sexual encounters in his apartment. No joint friends to eat out with, no holidays together relaxing on a beach or taking in the sights of a European city. No meals out.
‘I’m going to Milan again next week,’ Ewan said. He stared into my eyes. ‘Come with me.’
His invitation was spontaneous but sincere.
‘I can’t. I just couldn’t give a good enough excuse. Tom would be suspicious.’
‘Okay.’
‘I’ve never gone away without him …’ I tried to explain.
‘Right.’
I tried to distract Ewan then, to take away that downbeat mood that had just found its way into our little sanctuary.
‘Don’t you ever go on trips with girlfriends?’ Ewan said.
I thought about it for a beat. Could I trust any of the few friends I had? I shook my head. There was nobody. It was impossible. But the idea wouldn’t go away.
‘It would be lovely to not have to hide. To spend all night with you instead of having to leave,’ I said.
‘I want that.’
Ewan went off to the kitchen and left me with my thoughts. The possibility of a trip ran around in my head like a puppy chasing its tail. I couldn’t let it go and I thought it through and through but always came up with the same answer: there was just no way I could make it happen.
Tom came home that night in a mood.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked as I poured him a glass of wine.
‘I have to go to our New York branch for a few days next week. There’s a problem with one of the managers and it looks like I’ll have to be on hand to make sure he’s fired in the right way. Americans can be litigious and so far his line manager hasn’t handled him well.’
‘That’s awful,’ I said.
‘It’s the rotten part of being a CEO. I could delegate, but I’m the best person to handle it.’
‘I understand,’ I said. ‘Want me to fly over with you?’
‘I would. But the truth is you’d hardly see me. It’ll be meetings night and day to make sure every conceivable problem is cut off at the knees.’
‘How long will you be gone?’
‘Three or four days. I’m not sure yet. Look if you want to come and do some sightseeing and shopping …’
‘Oh no. I’d really rather go with you when you have more free time,’ I said.
I went into the kitchen, face flushing with exhilaration. Ewan had said he was going to Milan next week. It was only a two-hour flight and Tom would never know that I had been away.
Then I thought of all of the possible things that could go wrong. Isadora may call round and find me gone. Tom could call the landline late at night and I wouldn’t answer. But – he never called the landline. We always communicated by mobile. As for Isadora, she wouldn’t visit without prior warning. Even though she had a London flat as a base, she mostly lived on the family estate.
My heart beat faster. Ewan and I could be together for a couple of days as long as I was back before Tom. I planned it all out in my head as I carried the warm plates of food into the dining room. Tom was distracted and barely spoke as he picked at his food. I was grateful for the silence.
In the kitchen I pulled my mobile phone out of my bra. I texted Ewan, then turned the sound off so that Tom wouldn’t hear a reply.
I think I can make it to Milan.
Chapter Eleven
&nb
sp; As Tom boarded his plane to New York, I took the tube to Heathrow with my clothing and toiletries in hand luggage. I had planned my flight carefully, making sure that he would not be in the same terminal, and that I didn’t need to check in until his flight was already in the air. I didn’t use the priority lounges, because the visit might show on my card, and Ewan and I had decided not to meet up in the airport, just in case I bumped into someone I knew.
I saw him at passport control but we didn’t talk or acknowledge each other’s presence. Ewan had booked and paid for the tickets however, and he’d made sure we were sat together on the plane. We reasoned that by then we would be safe. If I saw anyone onboard that knew me, we’d pretend it was a random seat selection and that we’d only just met. I had a ridiculous story to explain my trip about a long-lost relative I’d discovered who lived in Italy, but I really hoped I wouldn’t have to use it.
I went to a coffee bar near the gate and waited for the flight to be called. As we boarded I joined Ewan in the queue and after a quick glance around didn’t see anyone I knew. This was a relief.
‘All okay?’ he asked.
‘Yes. I’m excited. This is going to be wonderful.’
The flight was on time and all went well.
‘Honeymoon?’ asked the flight attendant as she observed us kissing and holding hands.
‘Yes,’ said Ewan.
I giggled when she went away and returned with two mini bottles of champagne.
What followed were three wonderful days and nights.
Ewan had to work in the day, and I was left to my own devices. I did the tourist thing, always paying with cash so that there could be no accidental paper trail. I went out to see churches and monuments and drank and ate in chic cafés.
In the evening Ewan would meet me at the hotel and we would go out to dinner together like a normal couple. I didn’t fear being seen and it was relaxed and natural. I even thought it was all somewhat romantic.
The Stranger in Our Bed Page 5
