‘There could be a problem with her hearing. But it’s likely she will make a full recovery with no ill effects. They are going to do all the tests. Come home and rest.’
‘Tom, I don’t want to—’
‘What don’t you want? I won’t touch you. I won’t talk to you. I certainly won’t hurt you. Don’t you know that?’
I shook my head. I didn’t know it. But I did know he’d told the truth about Isadora’s part in hiring the private detectives that had set me up with Daniel Evans.
‘Let me take care of you, Char.’
I was too tired to argue and so I let him lead me out of the hospital and we waited outside as Stefan fought traffic once again to reach us. Then, when the limo finally arrived, I sank back into the leather seats and closed my eyes.
True to his word, Tom left me alone. But I watched him through the slit of my eyes.
We entered the apartment and I went inside the bathroom and locked the door. I looked at myself in the mirror. Dark circles were under my eyes and I was overly thin and very drawn. Every ounce of the strain I’d been under was showing on my face and figure.
‘I’ve put the kettle on,’ Tom said through the door. ‘Are you okay?’
I didn’t answer.
‘Charlotte?’ he said trying the door.
‘I’m fine. I’m going to take a bath.’
I heard him go away. It was a relief. I wanted him to just leave me alone.
I ran the cold tap into the sink and reached for my toothbrush with trembling hands. I was halfway through brushing my teeth before I realized my toothbrush should have been in the case I left at Tina’s not back in the glass on the sink top.
I dropped it into the basin and came out of the bathroom. My case was at the bottom of the bed. Unpacked.
Tom came in the room.
‘I got Stefan to fetch everything back last night while we were at the hospital. Let’s stop this nonsense, Char. We love each other, why can’t we just put the past behind us?’
‘You dick,’ I said. ‘How dare you keep making decisions for me!’
‘What? I don’t—’
‘Yes you do. You and your bloody mother. I’m sick of it, Tom. So sick that I can’t eat, or think, and all I want to do is run away.’
Tom sank down onto the bed as though the wind had been knocked from his lungs.
He was stunned into silence. I went back into the bathroom and started running the bath.
‘I think I’ve just realized exactly what my mother meant when she said this is all my fault,’ Tom said on the other side of the door. ‘I have been controlling. But it was all because I wanted to make you happy. Charlotte, will you talk to my therapist? Let her explain what I’ve been dealing with and then, if you can’t see past everything, I’ll let you go. I won’t fight any divorce settlement you want and I won’t go after custody of Melody. As long as you let me see her.’
His voice was reasonable, and even though I questioned if he was manipulating me again, the fight went out of me.
‘Is that okay?’ he asked.
‘I’ll think about it. I’m tired.’
‘I know, darling. And I’m sorry. Sorry about everything, more than you could ever know.’
Chapter Forty-Six
The doctor discharged Melody a few days later.
‘Why did you opt not to breastfeed?’ he asked me as he was signing the release papers.
‘We were advised against it,’ Tom interjected before I could respond.
‘Anyway, she seems fine and healthy now. Carry on as normal but monitor her. If you have any concerns bring her straight in.’
We took Melody home and life resumed as normal, on the outside. I wouldn’t let Tom near me though, and even though we slept in the same bed he kept to his side.
‘I’m not willing to move to Surrey right now,’ I told him.
‘It’s on hold until you’re ready,’ he said. ‘Whatever you want. Tina is happy in Moth— the apartment and says she’ll help anyway she can. I’ll give you time, Char.’
A few nights later, going through the motions of everyday life, I cooked us dinner. Melody had recovered but we still monitored her. There hadn’t been any problems but I was terrified to leave her alone. I remained cold to Tom. I couldn’t change how I felt overnight. Our life had got too weird and it was difficult to forget all that had happened.
‘Thank you for cooking,’ Tom said after we ate dinner in silence. ‘I’ve arranged for you to meet Louise Clark tomorrow.’
‘Who?’
‘My therapist.’
‘I didn’t know her name,’ I said.
‘You never asked.’
I couldn’t argue with his comment: it was true. I hadn’t shown much interest at all in Tom’s progress as he attempted to deal with the aftermath of his mother’s death and her previous abuse. I realized how selfish that was as I looked at him across the table.
The guilt came again. Also, I was curious about his therapist.
‘Okay,’ I said. ‘I’ll meet her.’
Tom leapt out of his chair and rushed to me.
‘Thank you, darling. Thank you. I know this will help us both.’
I let him hug me but didn’t respond. I had no emotion to give him, but I was willing to hear what his therapist said. It might help me understand why he had behaved as he had. After that Tom chattered away over the dinner table as though there was nothing wrong between us. I barely answered above a yes or a no.
‘I have permission to speak to you about your husband’s state of mind,’ said Louise Clark. ‘But not reveal everything he’s told me.’
Louise Clark was a clinical psychologist and her accreditation was displayed on the wall in an expensive frame.
‘I understand.’
‘Perhaps we should start with exploring how you are feeling?’ she said. ‘Anything you say to me will be confidential unless you give me permission to share it with Tom.’
I didn’t know what to say.
‘When did your problems start?’ she prompted.
‘I’m sure he told you I had an affair.’
Louise nodded.
‘I was unhappy before that. I felt like … I didn’t have any say in my own life. Even the sheets. Those goddamn purple sheets.’
‘Tom told me about it and why he was angry. He says he shared the details of his relationship with his mother with you,’ Louise said. ‘That you know about, but don’t understand, some of the things he’s done. That you struggle to get past them even though he wants to try.’
‘Obviously, it’s all my fault to him,’ I said. ‘Do you accept his behaviour was okay?’ I asked.
‘What matters is, do you?’
‘He frightens me.’
‘What can he do to make you feel more secure?’ Louise asked.
‘I don’t know.’
‘I can see that this will not be easy for either of you. It’s obvious to me that you are suffering from depression. That you’ve struggled ever since this man you met abandoned you.’
I looked at Louise, surprised by her words.
‘In your current state of mind, it’s impossible for you to make any rational decisions. You can’t forgive Tom, because emotionally you aren’t in the right place. Equally you can’t make a final decision as to whether the marriage is over.’
‘I thought I came here to talk about Tom.’
‘You both need help,’ Louise said. ‘Tom’s recognized that, which is why he asked me to see you.’
‘So, this is a medical intervention,’ I half-laughed.
‘Charlotte, I’m here to help you both, that’s all. I can do that if you open up to me.’
‘I feel … tired. Drained all the time. Scared. And sometimes as though I can’t feel anything.’
‘All of these could be symptoms of depression,’ she said. ‘Or anxiety.’
All sorts of responses tumbled through my mind and I couldn’t express any of them. So, I was depressed and anxious – not surprising really …
I had to come to terms with Daniel’s abandonment. No shit, Sherlock.
I couldn’t decide whether my marriage was worth saving – that was true.
‘Did Tom tell you his mother set me up to meet Daniel?’ I said.
‘Yes. He told me about it. He was very upset with the extent of how far she went. But he tells me he doesn’t hold you responsible.’
‘You believe that?’
‘I do, yes.’
‘Daniel is missing. What do you make of that? He vanished the night before he was supposed to start a new life with me. Tom told me Isadora paid him off.’
‘But you don’t believe him?’
‘I don’t know what to believe. I just know Daniel had other people in his life that he would have made contact with.’
Louise’s eyes narrowed. I stopped talking.
‘Who?’
‘I … well … he must have had … you’d think,’ I blustered.
For some reason I didn’t want to tell her about Becki or all the things we’d learnt together. Or the picture of Daniel that was hidden away in the bottom of my jewellery box.
‘Charlotte do you know if there is any history of mental illness in your family?’
I didn’t answer immediately, then I asked, ‘Why would that have any bearing on how I feel?’
‘Sometimes depression can be hereditary.’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. But I recalled my mother had suffered from something. Post-natal perhaps. I just didn’t want to tell her.
Louise studied me for a second as though she didn’t quite believe me.
‘I have to speak to Tom after this,’ Louise said when our conversation dried up. ‘What do you want me to tell him?’
I didn’t know why but my paranoid side kicked in again. Could I trust Louise? After all she was Tom’s therapist. This was a private practice. Tom was used to paying for anything he wanted.
The anxiety was back inside me and I was afraid of giving the ‘wrong’ answer even to someone who was supposedly impartial.
‘Tell him … I’ll try,’ I said. ‘I can’t promise more. But he needs to give me time.’
Louise smiled. ‘I’m so relieved to hear that. I do think, and I’m not supposed to give my own opinion, that he deserves the benefit of the doubt. He’s been through so much. In the meantime, I’ll ask our practice doctor to prescribe you something. It will help to calm your nerves.’
‘No. I don’t want any pills.’
‘It’s just temporary and they are very mild. To see if it helps. You’ve been through a great deal and on top of it you have a new baby. All of these things can contribute to a range of emotions that can make it difficult sometimes to see straight. Wait here and I’ll get the prescription for you.’
She left me in her office but returned very quickly with a prescription.
‘One a day. That’s all and they’ll help you sleep better. Everyone feels stronger when they get enough sleep.’
I couldn’t see any harm in trying the pills and so I took the prescription. It would be a relief to feel less stressed, and if these worked then it might clear my head enough to figure out what I wanted to do.
‘Give it a week before you make a decision on whether they are helping. Then come back and see me and we’ll talk again.’
Chapter Forty-Seven
Tom rang me when I left Louise’s office. ‘How did it go?’ he asked.
‘She gave me some pills. She says I’m depressed.’
‘Oh my god, darling! I’m so not surprised. All of this … shit … we’ve both had to deal with. All because of my mother. It’s just horrendous.’
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘I’ve asked Tina to babysit tonight,’ Tom said. ‘I thought we could go to dinner. Talk.’
The thought of it made me feel anxious again but I had promised to try and so I agreed.
‘Great,’ said Tom. ‘A date night. We haven’t had one for ages.’
I went to the pharmacy and had the prescription made up. I was still unsure about taking anything but I was miserable and thought it worth a shot. I decided I’d at least give it the week as Louise suggested. If there was no improvement in how I was feeling I’d stop taking them.
I was on the way home when Tina called.
‘Tom told me about your date tonight. I’ve booked you a hair appointment so that you can feel nice.’
‘Tina that’s really nice of you but—’
‘They only have the one slot in forty-five minutes. Can you get there in time?’
I said I could but didn’t really want the fuss. Then it occurred to me I’d let myself go a bit recently. Improving my outward appearance might have an impact on how I was inside. I put the phone down and I changed direction and went to see my hairdresser.
‘You look nice,’ Tina said when I got back to the apartment.
‘It was a good suggestion,’ I said. ‘It has made me feel a little better.’
‘Well you have to make an effort for date night,’ she said.
I didn’t correct her because she was happy with the thought that Tom and I were working things out. I spent time with Melody to give Tina a break because she’d be staying later that night.
At five o’clock she took Melody away to bathe her. ‘You go and get yourself done up for tonight,’ she said. ‘Stefan’s calling for you at six.’
‘Isn’t Tom coming home?’ I said.
‘No. He’s meeting you at the restaurant.’
‘I’ll keep my phone on,’ I said.
‘Stop worrying now, Melody is fine. She’s over it and the doctor’s said there’s no permanent harm done.’
‘I know but …’
‘Stop blaming yourself. It would have still happened, even if you’d been with her.’
I got ready without much enthusiasm and the decision of what to wear was harder than it should have been. I didn’t want to look dowdy, but I also didn’t want to look too available and give Tom the wrong impression. I wasn’t ready for that part of our relationship to resume and wasn’t sure if I ever would be.
Stefan rang upstairs from the reception to let me know he’d arrived, and so I pulled on a simple black dress and some casual jewellery to liven it up.
At the restaurant Tom was already at the table and waiting. He’d brought me back to the Italian but we had a quiet little booth near the front this time not the usual table.
He stood up when he saw me and kissed my cheek.
‘Neutral environment,’ he said as I took my seat in the booth opposite him. ‘Is it okay for me to say you look beautiful?’
I smiled at him. ‘Thank you.’
He’d ordered champagne and a waiter appeared to fill our glasses.
‘We’re celebrating?’ I said.
‘Louise told me you said you’d try. That’s all I needed to hear, darling. And so, even though I get it – she stressed it’s not a fix all at this stage – it feels like a major step forward for us.’
The champagne made me relax and we had a pleasant evening. I found myself chatting with him about Louise and the possibility of things improving between us. I think I was susceptible for a number of reasons that the alcohol aided. Louise had made me realize that the way I was feeling all the time wasn’t normal and I could improve it. Also, I couldn’t deny that Tom was at least trying to alter his behaviour by seeing the therapist in the first place.
‘I’m so happy!’ he said again and smiled at me, reaching over to stroke my hand. I pulled back from his touch though. I wasn’t ready for even the smallest intimacy.
‘But don’t rush me, please,’ I said. ‘I’m just not ready right now to make any serious decisions.’
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I understand. But I know we’ll get through this.’
Tom was smiling. He sat back in his chair and ordered another bottle of wine. I let the waiter refill my glass, then swigged down too quickly to hide my nerves. Was I doing the right thing? Or should I just get away from Tom as
fast as possible.
When we got home, I took the first pill and then got ready for bed. Before I finished brushing my teeth, I was feeling groggy.
I climbed into bed and closed my eyes. My head was spinning with the excess of wine I’d drunk.
‘You’re mine,’ Tom said.
I could feel him climbing into the bed beside me but couldn’t move. I tried to open my eyes and look at him but I couldn’t rouse myself at all. I slipped down into the dark depths of drug-induced sleep and didn’t wake until morning.
‘How do you feel?’ Tom said the next day. ‘You were sound asleep when I came to bed.’
‘Was I? I thought you spoke to me.’
‘Nope, you were unconscious when I came in. I was watching Melody sleep for ages – she’s so beautiful and I’m so grateful she’s better now.’
‘Those pills worked their magic on me … I don’t feel too bad actually. A little groggy though.’
‘Louise said that passes after a couple of days. Naturally, I asked her about them.’
I made breakfast. Tom didn’t seem to be in a rush to go to work and then I realized it was Saturday.
‘What should we do today?’ he asked.
I didn’t know what to answer. Then Tom’s phone rang. He spoke for a moment and then hung up. He turned to me smiling.
‘Good news! It was the builders. The work in the nursery and Tina’s quarters is finished. Would you like a trip to the Manor? We could stay overnight. Check out the work and come back tomorrow.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Come on. It’ll be a change of scenery.’
‘I’m curious to see the renovations.’
‘Then that’s settled,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry, all the rules between us still apply!’
With Tom’s reassurance that he wouldn’t push things and we were still taking it slow, I couldn’t think of a sufficient argument against going to the Manor. I did want to see the finished work and so I got Melody dressed and packed an overnight case with all the things we’d need for a short stay.
Tom got the Range Rover out of the parking lot under the building and we set off out of London.
We reached the house just after one and were greeted by Sara, the housemaid who’d been taking care of things in our absence.
The Stranger in Our Bed Page 22
