"Have it out," she said, meeting his gaze. "We can keep trying to tiptoe around the elephant in the room, but it's not working, so let's talk. Let's put our cards on the table."
As soon as she made the suggestion, she regretted it. But it was too late to back down, and maybe she shouldn't. It was a risky choice she was making, but she couldn't stand the little digs he was dishing out, and if she'd learned anything in medical school, it was that she couldn't fix a problem if she didn't look at it.
"Are you sure you want to do this? Because there's nowhere to run if you don't like the way the conversation goes," he said.
"Nowhere for you to go, either."
"I'm not the one who runs; that's you, Katherine."
"I'm not running now." She squared her shoulders, preparing for what would surely be a painful assault. "You start, Jake. Say what you've been trying not to say since you saw me at the airport this morning."
Six
Jake gave her a long look and then slowly shook his head. "I don't think so. You want to talk. You start. This is your show, after all."
"My show? I'd hardly call it that."
"I'm your employee. You hired me. That makes you the boss."
"Fine," she said, irritated by his attitude. "You hate me. How's that for a beginning?"
"It's not very good. Why don't you start with your own feelings instead of guessing at mine?"
He had a point. "All right. I feel…" She searched for the right words. "Angry and sad."
"Because…"
"Sad because I hurt you and angry because you put me in that position."
"Are you saying I made you hurt me?" he challenged. "That's a hell of an apology. I knew you'd make everything my fault. I don't think we need to talk, because clearly there's nothing new to say."
"We're not stopping now just because you don't like what you're hearing. You were in a bad place after your father died, Jake. Maybe you don't remember or you've rewritten history in your head, but you were drinking too much, skipping classes, and staying out until five in the morning with your friends."
"I was blowing off steam. Most people understood that."
"I tried to understand it. I tried to keep up with you, so you wouldn't be alone, but my grades started to suffer. I couldn't handle the late nights and the early morning classes. I missed a test. I fell asleep in the middle of a midterm."
"You're exaggerating."
"I'm really not. I told you all this before."
"I don't remember."
"Because you weren't listening to me back then. The school told me I was going to end up on probation if I didn't turn things around fast. I couldn't let that happen. I had to get good grades to get into medical school. I wanted to be a good girlfriend, but I didn't know how to help you." She paused, drawing his gaze to hers with her silence. "You were drowning, Jake. You were like one of those guys in the ocean who's flailing his arms and trying to swim, but he can't get anywhere, and when someone tries to save him, he starts fighting, and eventually both people go down. I couldn't let that happen."
"So you cut me loose. Hell of a choice for someone who allegedly loved me." Anger blazed through his eyes.
Maybe she had been ruthless, but she honestly hadn't known what else to do.
"You knew I was ripped up about my dad," Jake continued. "You knew my family was falling apart. My mom, my sisters—they were basket cases. They were crying every day. Everyone needed me, but I needed you. And you knew that. It wasn't going to be forever, but you couldn't give me a few weeks."
"It wasn't a few weeks; it was months. You were not yourself that year. You'd snap at the littlest thing I'd say. Every time I told you I needed to study, you made it sound like I didn't care about you. You think I cut you loose without warning, but the truth is, you were pushing me away for weeks."
He jumped to his feet. "That's not true." He paced around the small cabin. "How could I push you away when you were already gone? You didn't swim out to help the drowning man. You looked at him from the shore. You called one of his friends to help, and then thinking you'd done your duty, you bailed."
She winced at the way he'd twisted her analogy. "I called Will that night because I thought you'd listen to him when clearly you weren't listening to me. You wanted to break into the university pool and skinny-dip in the middle of January. You were drunk, and I was afraid you'd dive into the shallow end and break your neck or do something equally stupid and dangerous."
"I was looking for a little fun with my girlfriend. That's it."
"We could have gotten kicked out of school."
"You worried too much."
"And you didn't worry enough, especially after your dad died. It was like you were daring the universe to throw more bad stuff at you. So I called Will, hoping he could make you see reason. But instead you talked him into going with you."
"It was fine. Nothing happened. We didn't get caught. It was all good."
"That time. I couldn't stick around to see when your dares would have consequences."
A frown turned down his mouth and there was anger in his green eyes. "I wasn't doing anything that bad, Katherine."
"You got arrested for fighting a week after the pool incident," she returned.
"That guy in the bar said something negative about my father. He called him lightning man."
"A lot of people called your dad that. He didn't care that people thought he was a little crazy for talking about lightning all the time. He told me plenty of stories."
"You don't know that he didn't care. He just didn't let on that the jokes bothered him." Jake paused. "My father was a Navy hero. I couldn't stand by and let someone make fun of him, not when he couldn't defend himself. And that fight was one punch. It was nothing, and I wasn't arrested; I was just sent home from the bar."
"By the police. You were scaring me, Jake. Maybe I could have handled what you were going through better if I'd been older, but I wasn't."
"So you split."
"I thought it was the best thing for both of us."
"You thought it was the best thing for you."
"It wasn't easy for me, Jake. I was in love with you. You were breaking my heart."
"That's not what you told me. You said, 'I don't love you anymore. It's over. We're finished. Don't call me again.' Did I leave something out?"
Her heart ached with the pain of that memory. "I think that was pretty much it."
"Did you have to be that cold, Katherine?"
"I had to say something so you wouldn't come after me, because if you had, I might not have been able to say no. I know I hurt you, Jake. And I probably could have done it better, but I didn't. I gave you a really good reason to hate me, which is where this conversation started. I thought ten years might have faded the pain, but when you saw me this morning, you looked at me with the same disgust I saw in your eyes the last time we spoke. Nothing had changed."
He didn't say anything for a moment, then sat back down across from her. "That's not completely true."
"It's not?" she asked in disbelief.
"No. A lot has changed. It's been a long time, Katherine. It's not like I've been pining for you for a decade."
"I never thought you would," she said, although the idea of Jake and other women had always been one she hadn't wanted to contemplate. "There have been other men in my life, too," she said, unable to resist making it clear that she'd also moved on.
"I have no doubt. I'm sure they're all very ambitious, successful, wealthy men, too."
"I'm not a snob, Jake."
"You've always valued achievement over everything else."
"I like when people follow their passion; it doesn't have to be about money. I respected your desire to be a pilot. But after your dad died, you didn't want to be anything. You were on the road to nowhere. I hoped you would get back to your dreams, but I didn't know if it would ever happen."
"You don't just get back to normal in one second after your father dies."
"It wa
sn't one second. You keep making it sound like you were grieving for a minute. It was months. You told me you didn't think you'd ever fly again, remember that?"
"Vaguely."
"Obviously that changed. How long did it take for you to get back into a plane?"
"About six months after you left. It was after I went to see Mamich. She told me that my father had loved flying and that I should honor his memory by flying for him. When I got back, I went down to the airport and I got into a plane. I was shaky as hell when I took off that day, but once I got up in the sky, everything shifted back into place."
She was glad he'd conquered a fear that would have prevented him from doing what he'd been born to do, but she couldn't help feeling a little sad that he hadn't been able to shift his perspective before their relationship fell apart. "I'm happy that you got back into flying, that you made it your career. It's what you always wanted."
"And you always wanted to be a doctor. Everything turned out the way it was supposed to."
She'd always thought she'd be a doctor and married to Jake. But she probably wouldn't have made it through medical school if she'd stayed with him. She might not have made it if she'd had a long-term relationship with anyone. She wasn't the kind of person who juggled well. When she wanted something, she went all in, and she didn't know how to balance things out. She didn't know how to do well at more than one thing at a time.
"Don't you agree?" Jake prodded.
"I guess."
"You don't sound as sure as you did a minute ago. Is it possible that your memories aren't as black-and-white as you'd like to think they are?"
"What does that mean?"
"I don't think you panicked back in college just because I was encouraging you to have some fun," he said. "You were struggling in your pre-med classes long before my dad died. You were questioning whether or not you could get through chemistry and biology, much less medical school. But after my dad's death, after I went a little nuts, you blamed it all on me."
"At least you admit you went a little nuts."
"Can you admit that you were floundering?"
She let out a breath. "The pre-med classes were difficult. I was struggling, yes; a lot of people were. That's why I knew I had to stay focused. I couldn't blow off classes to party with you. You were a big distraction for me."
"And when you got rid of me—of your distraction—what happened? Did you suddenly soar?"
"No. It was still hard. But I did better. I could focus on classes and not feel guilty about staying in the library until midnight, because then I wasn't being a good girlfriend. I could put all my attention on my work."
"You make me sound like a selfish, demanding asshole."
"At times you were," she said, meeting his gaze.
"And you've always been perfect?"
"I didn't say that."
"Good, because from what I can see, you've neglected your family the past few years. Did they become too big of a distraction, too? Was your mom's illness blurring your focus? Was that why you stayed away?"
She sucked in a breath as his words stabbed her like a knife. "That was mean, Jake."
His jaw tightened. "I just don't understand why it has to be only one thing for you. Why can't you be good at school and work and still have friends and family and relationships? I know you said there have been other men, but really? Because I can't imagine that any other guy wouldn't have been just as big of a distraction."
"I dated other medical students. They were as busy as I was. They knew there could be nothing more serious than a casual relationship. And I didn't abandon my family. I offered to come home after my dad died, but my mom wouldn't hear of it. She wanted me to finish. She said it was important to her and to my father. I was doing it for them as much as I was doing it for me."
"Bullshit. That's just what you tell yourself so you can sleep at night."
"I haven't slept a full night in eleven years, Jake. And I do feel badly that I left TJ with more than he should have had to handle on his own. I kept thinking it's just a few more months, and then I'll be better able to help financially and also with time, but I know that wasn't fair to my brother. That's why I'm here now. I'm trying to help him."
"Would you be here today if you hadn't finished your last shift? Or would you have told TJ to solve his own problems when he called you?"
It wasn't a question she wanted to answer. She told herself she would have done the exact same thing, but there was a part of her that wasn't sure that was true. "I don't know," she said honestly. "I'd like to think I would still be here."
Their gazes met again, and the angry fire in Jake's eyes seemed to dim with her heartfelt answer.
"I get tunnel vision," she added. "I see the goal line, and all I can focus on is getting across it. I know it's a bad trait. I need to work on that."
"You miss a lot of things along the way, Katherine."
"I tell myself it's worth it."
"Has it been worth it? You're a doctor now."
"I haven't had time to absorb that fact."
"Are you staying in Houston?"
"I don't know. I have offers in several cities."
"Including Corpus Christi?"
She nodded. "Yes. It's not the best opportunity, but it's there if I want it."
"It doesn't sound like you want it."
"If I was thinking just about my career, I wouldn't want it, but I do love my mother, and I'm very aware that her condition has deteriorated far more quickly than I imagined it would. So, Corpus Christi has gone to the top of the list."
"I'm sorry about your mom. She doesn't deserve what she's going through. I always liked her a lot. She was incredibly nice to me when we were going out, and when my dad died, I remember talking to her more than I talked to my own mom."
"She's always been a great listener. Sometimes, I wonder if she had more to say than she ever got a chance to say. She always put herself behind my father, behind my brother and me. She was our supporter, but I'm not sure we were always hers."
"That's probably the way it is with parents. You take them for granted. You think of them just as Mom and Dad and not as people in their own right. When you said my dad had a whole life before I was born, you were right. I didn't know him as a young man. I didn't know him when he was flying for the Navy. There could have been lots of things in his life that he didn't talk to me about. And I'm sure the same is true for your mom."
"We both ran out of time to ask."
"Maybe you're not completely out of time. Your mom has some lucid moments."
"She does. And I really try to make those count." She finished her wine and set her glass down on the table. "So is the elephant gone?"
"He's outside in the rain," Jake said with a dry smile.
"Finally. He was taking up way too much room." She reached for her backpack and pulled out the guidebook on Mexico. "Maybe I'll read while we still have some natural light."
"Good idea. I want to take another look at the map. Perhaps between the two of us, we can figure out where we are."
"Okay."
"Katherine," he began.
She saw indecision in his eyes and wondered what else they still had to say to each other. "What?"
"Never mind. It doesn't matter."
He went into the cockpit and shut the door, leaving her wondering just what he'd wanted to say. Maybe it was better she didn't know. They'd spoken enough truth for one day.
She flipped through the guidebook. She'd always been good at researching, and learning more about the country gave her some small feeling of control. She doubted that feeling would last. She was smart enough to know that their situation was not very good. If they were truly lost in the middle of a rainforest, who knew how long it would take for anyone to find them.
A wave of fear ran through her, not just for herself but also for TJ, because he was still in danger, and she was even farther away from helping him than she'd been the day before.
But she'd accomplished one thi
ng, she realized. There was no way Jake could drop her off at the airport and leave her on her own. For better or worse, they were stuck together, and hopefully they'd make it all the way to his great-grandmother's village together, too.
Seven
Jake flipped every switch on the instrument panel, hoping to find some juice somewhere, but not only had the panel been blown during the lightning strike, everything was now soaking wet. It was clear they were not going to be able to communicate with anyone from the plane. They would have to find their way to a cell phone signal or the nearest town. He didn't have a good feeling about where they'd landed or how far away help might be. Their short trek through the forest had made him believe they had landed in one of several heavily forested and mountainous areas in central Mexico. There might not be a town for miles.
In addition to dealing with a possibly remote and hard-to-reach location, he had no idea what kind of people they would find on their way. Parts of Mexico were very dangerous, run by drug cartels and people who would not like the fact that they were trespassing, however inadvertently. Or they might see two American tourists as an opportunity for ransom.
With that thought, he unlocked a box by his feet and pulled out a handgun. It had become company policy to keep a loaded weapon in the cockpit in case of terrorist activity. He hoped he wouldn't have to use it, but he would keep it close just in case.
Setting the gun aside, he spread the map on the console and circled several possible areas where they might be based on how long they'd been in the air before the storm hit and their flight plan. Unfortunately, his memory wasn't as clear as it should have been. He'd been deep in thought during the flight, memories and feelings about Katherine blurring everything else in his head. He'd never gotten so distracted in the cockpit. He should have let her sit in the cabin. They might not be in this mess if he hadn’t insisted she sit next to him.
But he couldn't rewrite history.
His gaze turned back to the map. If he was right about where they were, then there might be a city about eight miles away. They could walk eight miles. Katherine was a strong, determined woman. She'd make it. When she wanted something, she didn’t quit.
Lightning Lingers Page 8
