by Mary Monroe
“No. You don’t have to tell him I called. I’ll call again tomorrow.”
“Yes ma’am.”
I hung up and sat there, trying to digest what I had just heard, and I couldn’t do it on my own. I immediately dialed Rhoda’s number. This was one time that I couldn’t wait for her to call me. I was glad when she picked up the phone on the first ring.
“Girl, you are not going to believe what I just found out!” I didn’t give her a chance to respond to my outburst. “Pee Wee is having an affair!” I yelled.
CHAPTER 10
“Excuse me, sir?”
My breath caught in my throat. I had to cough a few times before I could find my voice again. “I said…Uh, is this Rhoda I’m speaking with?” I was already angry, so it didn’t really bother me that much when I realized it was Rhoda’s nineteen-year-old daughter, Jade, who had answered the phone. This girl hated my guts because I was one of the few people who saw through her. I was able to do that because the girl was soulless.
It was so hard to believe that this was the same girl that I used to hug and kiss and treat like a princess, up until last year. That was when she tried to drive me crazy and take my husband. She was such a bad seed that it would be a big surprise to me if her children didn’t come into the world with hooves, fangs, and scales.
Jade took her good ole time responding, which was just another way she liked to annoy me when she answered my calls to Rhoda’s house. She never wanted me to forget how much of a peon she considered me to be. “No, this is not Rhoda you’re speaking with,” she replied in a voice that was so nasty, I could almost smell it. “Is that you, Reverend Upshaw? Are you all right? You sound like you’ve got a frog in your throat….”
This girl didn’t know when to quit. I sounded nothing like Reverend Upshaw, or any other man. The sad thing about people like Jade was that they were too stupid to see how stupid they really were.
I cleared my throat. “No, this is not Reverend Upshaw. This is Annette.” I was proud to identify myself in this case. One thing I wanted Jade to know was that I was not going to run for cover from her ever again. I avoided her as much as I could, but when I couldn’t, I dealt with her head-on.
“Oh. I should have known this was you! You always did call this house at a bad time!” she roared.
“Yes, it’s me, Jade. Now if your mother is there, would you please put her on the phone?”
Instead of a response, there was complete silence, then a dial tone. I spat out a few choice words and dialed Rhoda’s number again.
“Hello,” Jade said.
“May…I…speak…to…Rhoda?” I asked through clenched teeth. I didn’t even try to hide the anger in my voice, even though I knew that it didn’t faze her.
Jade did not respond. About ten seconds later, I heard muffled voices in the background on Rhoda’s end. I was just about to hang up when Rhoda came on the line.
“Annette, I’m sorry. That heifer is so fuckin’ rude and crude, it’s a shame. I will deal with her later.”
“That’s all right. This sounds like a bad time. But can you call me back at my office when you get a chance? I’d like to talk to you before I go home today, if possible.”
“We can talk now.”
“No, that’s all right. Later would be fine. It sounds like you’ve got enough to deal with right now.”
“This is my house, and I am the one in control,” Rhoda assured me. “But since you mentioned it, this is a bad time. Bully just walked in the door and can’t keep his hands off me. I’m havin’ a hard time holdin’ him off until we can get out of the house and into a hotel room. As if that isn’t bad enough, that nosy-ass, bigmouthed Wyrita walked into the kitchen with two of the children and saw me in Bully’s arms earlier today. She’s good helpin’ me with the children, but she’s also a mild pain in the booty.”
“Oh. Well, Rhoda, you should stop getting too friendly with Bully in your house. You know how Lizel and Wyrita like to spread gossip, and it doesn’t matter to them that they work for you. Not to mention Jade. She’s the last person who needs to know about you and Bully.”
“I’m more worried about the children seein’ me with Bully than I am Lizel, Wyrita, or Jade. I don’t think Wyrita is goin’ to shoot off her mouth about this. Not as long as I’m the one signin’ her paycheck. Now, what’s up with you? I guess I can spare a minute or two.”
I let out a deep, loud breath before I told her. “Pee Wee’s having an affair.” Just saying the words again gave me a bad taste in my mouth. This was not something that I would have ever in my lifetime shared with Jade, but I had just done so by mistaking her for Rhoda when she answered the phone. There was just no telling what was going through that girl’s sick mind about me and my husband now. But this was one time that I didn’t give a damn.
“What did you say?”
“Pee Wee is having an affair,” I said for the third time, my voice firm and cold. I silently prayed that she’d heard me this time, because this was one thing that I didn’t want to hear myself say again on the same day.
“What makes you think that?” Rhoda paused, and I heard her slam a door. That made me feel somewhat better. It sounded like she was in her bedroom. Lizel and Wyrita usually stayed in the back room with the eight preschool children that Rhoda was in charge of, but their ears and mouths were almost as big as Jade’s. I knew that if those two magpies overheard Rhoda talking to me about Pee Wee’s suspected infidelity, they’d be in gossip heaven, despite the fact that Rhoda signed their paychecks. And with everything else that was going on in my marriage at the moment, I didn’t want this piece of information being discussed all over town. “I thought you said he had lost his sex drive.”
“He did lose his sex drive, but just with me! How could I have been so stupid! How could I not have realized that he was involved with another woman? No wonder Pee Wee has been playing a game with me since last year. That devil! Well, I’ve got news for him. I can play the same game, and I can beat him at it, too. I should have known that another woman was what he was up to. And all this time he had me walking around thinking that I had lost my sex appeal. Oh! I can’t wait to get my hands on Louis tonight!”
“Pee Wee’s havin’ an affair? Shit, girl! I didn’t know he had it in him! Do you know who she is?”
“Huh? Oh! No, I don’t know who the bitch is yet. And to tell you the truth, I am not going to waste my time trying to find out. I will be damned if I go through some shit like that again, like I did last year.”
“But last year was a witch hunt. Pee Wee was not fuckin’ another woman,” Rhoda reminded me.
“Bah! That was then. This is now!” I hollered.
“What makes you so sure he’s doin’ it this time? Did somebody see him? What’s the smokin’ gun?”
“He’s having an affair, Rhoda. I feel it in my bones. It all makes sense now,” I insisted, speaking so fast, the words shot out of my mouth like cannonballs.
“Annette, please calm down and speak more slowly. You sound like you are about ready to explode.”
“I am about to explode!” I told her, my lips trembling and my teeth grinding so hard, I almost bit my tongue. “That man had no reason to go outside his marriage.”
“Annette, if that’s the case, you didn’t, either,” Rhoda said calmly. “Even if Pee Wee is involved with another woman, I don’t understand why you are takin’ it so hard. You’ve still got Louis to fall back on.”
“This is not about me. Pee Wee was up to no good long before I met Louis.”
“All right then. Just tell me what makes you so sure this time. How did you find out Pee Wee was foolin’ around?”
“Well, the fact that he hasn’t touched me in all these months was my first clue. It never occurred to me that he’d be doing his dirt during the day, when he’s supposed to be at work! According to Bobby, he’s been going to visit a doctor every Friday! Doctor, my ass! When was the last time he went to a doctor?”
“Shit, I don’t even
remember,” Rhoda told me. “Every Friday, huh? He’s been spendin’ some time with ‘somebody’ every Friday?”
“Since last year! That and the fact that he no longer makes love to me confirm it. Maybe not to you, but they do in my book.”
“Hmm. Well, he is a man, and men do have affairs. Especially around his age, when that thing between his legs realizes how close it is to retirement. Nature plays the cruelest jokes. A man reaches his prime before he’s twenty-one. Us, we don’t reach ours until we’re almost ready for the boneyard. And that’s a damn shame.”
“Rhoda, do you mind if we stay on the subject?”
“We are still on the subject. I just wanted to remind you of the cruel facts of life.”
“So you agree with me now?”
“I didn’t say that, but I won’t say that I don’t agree with you, either. I will go so far as to say that he probably is sleepin’ with another woman. A young heifer at that. We are looong in the tooth, honey. We don’t have a chance in hell anymore with all the young pussy out there up for grabs, and every middle-aged man and his brother standin’ in line, waitin’ to stick his dipstick in it. They want something that will remind them of their long-gone youth, not douche bags and Maalox. We don’t have to worry about tryin’ to fight the war, because we don’t have the right weapons to arm ourselves with anymore. If an affair is the case, let me give you the universal sister-girl advice. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Praise the Lord that there’s still somebody out there who can still appreciate a well-used but grateful piece of pussy. Pee Wee’s got his thing on the side. Now you’ve got yours. Enjoy it while you can.”
“I will!” I snapped.
CHAPTER 11
I kept my office door closed and locked for the rest of the day. This was what I usually did when I had to make phone calls to people whose bills had been submitted to us for collection.
There were enough deadbeats among the forty-five thousand individuals in Richland to keep a small army busy. The folder in the in-box on my desk was so thick with files that I could have easily spent the next four hours on the phone, using one ruse after another, trying to get delinquent debtors to take my calls. Along with funeral directors, lawyers, the IRS, and the police, bill collectors never had to worry about running out of work. There were some people who did everything that they could think of not to talk to me or one of the collection agents I supervised. When a particular file landed on my desk, it was because the case had reached the critical level. I’d been cussed out and threatened so many times, it had become entertaining. And I had heard every excuse in the book. After almost four years, I was used to it. But that didn’t make my job any easier.
However, I had something a little more important to me on my mind this particular afternoon. Well, actually two things. I decided to address first the one that was bothering me the most. I called my husband’s barbershop again. When one of the apprentices answered, I hung up. I waited a few minutes and called again, this time disguising my voice. I was glad Pee Wee answered, because I didn’t want to keep hanging up and calling back until I got him.
“Hi, baby,” he said. He sounded tired and distracted. If he had been doing what I suspected, it was no wonder he sounded that way. I was tired and distracted, too. I had worked hard to make my marriage work, but apparently, I had not worked hard enough. I didn’t like the fact that my husband was probably having an affair, but I wasn’t going to let it drive me crazy, especially now that I was having one, too.
“How’s work?” I asked in a casual manner.
He hesitated for several seconds before he responded. “The same as it was yesterday. The same as it’ll be tomorrow,” he replied.
“Are you feeling all right? Is something going on with you?” I asked, trying not to sound confrontational.
“I’m feelin’ fine. Why are you askin’ me somethin’ like that?”
“You looked a little peaked before you left the house this morning, and you sound kind of weak now.” If his story about visiting a doctor every Friday was true, this was the perfect time for him to tell me.
“Woman, I am fine,” he said sharply. I hated to be referred to as “woman” by him, and he knew it. “Now, is somethin’ the matter with you? You ain’t pestered me at work in months.” Pestered was another word he knew I hated when it was used in reference to me. He sounded impatient on top of everything else. This conversation was almost in the toilet, and I couldn’t wait to flush it.
“Nothing is wrong with me. I just called to check in with you. I had thought about coming over there earlier, on my lunch hour.”
“Why?” he asked with a gulp.
Why?
“We haven’t had lunch together in a while, and I thought…I thought it would be something nice for us to do. We used to do it all the time,” I snapped. “That’s why.”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t come over here. I’ve been busy all day. I ain’t even had time to take a lunch break or no other kind of break.”
“Oh.” I glanced at my watch. “It’s three thirty. You haven’t taken any breaks at all today?”
“Naw.”
“You didn’t even go out for lunch or coffee, or to get some fresh air, or anything else?”
“Naw. Woman, ain’t you listenin’ to me? Didn’t you just hear me say I ain’t been out this door since I got here this morning?”
“Oh, I heard you all right. I just wanted to be sure I was hearing right,” I said, my jaw twitching.
“You heard right. Annette, if you want to lollygag on the telephone, you goin’ to have to call up somebody else. I am really busy.”
“I know that, Pee Wee. You’ve already told me. But since I am your wife, I thought that no matter how busy you were, you’d always have a few minutes for me. I don’t call you at work that often. And as a bill collector, I know how annoying unwanted phone calls can be. If you don’t want me to annoy you at work at all, just tell me and I won’t.” I let out an involuntary hiccup, and that prompted his next question.
“Annette, have you been drinkin’?”
“No, but I wish I had a nice strong one in my hand right now. I will be drinking later, though.”
“Oh, that’s right. You still goin’ with Rhoda for drinks after work?”
“Yeah,” I said, making a note that I’d have to call Rhoda again so I could make sure our stories matched. “Do you want me to pick you up another rib dinner on my way home tonight?”
“Naw, don’t worry about that. I’m goin’ to wrap things up here in a little while. Then I’m goin’ to stop at that new restaurant that you do so much business with to get me a plate. I’ve heard from a lot of people that the brother—Louis, or whatever his name is—who runs it cooks a mean meat loaf. It’s no wonder. Most fags can cook up a storm.”
Fags?
“You…you think that brother is gay?” I asked, my voice quivering.
“Oh, there is no doubt about it! The dude is as gay as an Easter basket!”
If Louis Baines was gay, he was also a damn good actor. In my opinion, he had more machismo in his baby finger than the average man had in his whole body. I chose not to address that touchy subject with Pee Wee. He was a fairly intelligent man, but his mind was as nimble as a slab of concrete when it came to his opinions. He was one of the many black people I knew—even though they had no evidence—who continually insisted that some government officials had gotten together in some remote lab somewhere and created AIDS. Then they’d used it to try to wipe out black folks, gays, Hispanics, and other “undesirables.”
“Do you mean Off the Hook?” I asked, my heart skipping a beat. As much as I wanted Louis’s business to succeed, I didn’t want my husband to get too close to it.
“And what the hell kind of name is Off the Hook for a restaurant? Sounds more like the title of a Rick James song.”
I thought that the name was cute, but I knew if I said that, it would only add more credence to Pee Wee’s gay notion. “The meat
loaf at my mama’s restaurant is pretty good and closer to you,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, but your mama done turned into a real shylock over the years. I don’t feel like givin’ up a pound of my flesh for somethin’ I can get for a lot less. Her prices would break me. Besides, your mama’s place ain’t hurtin’ for business. I’m just tryin’ to help that young brother get a toehold so another black business in this town can prosper. Ain’t that what you’ve been preachin’ for years?”
“Uh-huh.” I was really ready to conclude this phone call now or change the subject. “I guess I’ll let you go now. I know how busy you are.”
Pee Wee was busy. However, he still had time to keep talking about Louis. “I heard that that young brother who runs that new place thinks he’s cute, with his long, fuzzy hair and sweet voice. I know for a fact that he thinks his hair is too good for him to get it cut in black barbershops. Dwayne, the only other black barber in town besides me, told me that hisself. He seen that sissy struttin’ out of that white barbershop on Baxter Avenue, with that shit on his head slicked back like Al Pacino in one of his gangster roles. Me, I’d rather cut a dog’s butt hair than that limp shit that dude got on his head.” Pee Wee grunted like some creature, and then he let out a harsh chuckle. “I bet he’ll dye it blond or get it styled like Shirley Temple or Farrah Fawcett eventually.”
“I still hope his business succeeds,” I said firmly.
“And it will. The women in this town will see to that. Y’all like to eat out. Women are so dumb when it comes to pretty boys. Oh well. At least you ain’t as dumb as women like Rhoda and Scary Mary. But like I said, most fags can cook up a storm. You women get off on shit like cookin’ on account of it’s one of y’all’s best natural roles. That sissy could cater a woman a cake with a booger and a roach on top of it, and she wouldn’t complain. She’d just pluck them off, with a smile. But the brother must be doin’ somethin’ right if you do so much business with him. What’s his name again?”
