by Isobel Bird
“I’m off to jump into Water,” Star said to Kate. “Care to join me?”
“Sure,” Kate said, and the two of them left.
“Looks like we’re the two holdouts,” commented Ivy to Annie. “Archer is over there with the Airheads.”
Annie laughed at the joke. “Do you know where you’re going?” she asked Ivy.
“I know where I want to go,” Ivy said. “But I’m like you—I’m not sure if I can really do it.”
“I will if you will,” Annie told her.
“It’s a deal,” said Ivy. “So, where are you going?”
Annie took a deep breath. “Death,” she said.
Ivy laughed. “Well, let’s go then,” she told Annie. “Because that’s exactly where I’m headed, too.”
She held out her hand and Annie took it. “Here goes nothing,” Annie said as the two of them walked toward Ginny’s table.
CHAPTER 3
“The fear of water is one of the most primal fears that humans have.”
Kate sat, cross-legged, in a circle with the other members of the Water path. It was Sunday morning. They’d just finished a delicious breakfast, and now they were gathered in the hotel library. The leader of each path had selected a different room to hold meetings in, and Kate was pleased by Jackson’s choice. The library was huge, with shelves that ran from the floor to the ceiling and were filled with all kinds of books. Enormous windows at one end let in tons of light, and Kate felt warm and happy, if a little bit apprehensive. She still didn’t know quite what was going to happen. But at least Star was in her group, as were a few other people she knew from having attended various rituals over the year. Most important, Tyler wasn’t in the Water path. He had chosen Fire, so he was Sasha’s problem for the week. That at least made Kate feel somewhat more relaxed.
“But why do so many of us fear the water?” asked Jackson.
“Because it hides things,” said a woman to Kate’s left. “You can’t usually see what’s under it, and it could be anything.”
“Like what?” Jackson prodded.
“I don’t know,” the woman answered. “Rocks, maybe.”
“Sharks,” a man across the circle said, prompting nervous laughter.
“Sunken boats,” added someone else. “I have a recurring dream where I’m in the water and a huge boat is sinking in front of me. It’s absolutely terrifying, not because I’m afraid of drowning or anything but because the idea of something so big being swallowed up by the water and dragged underneath me is just horrible.”
Jackson nodded as each person spoke. “These are all excellent answers,” he said. “We’re afraid of water because it conceals things that might be frightening or dangerous, and also because if we get in too deep we might not be able to get out and we could drown. But water can also be life-saving, right? We need it to live. And if we allow ourselves to float on it, water will hold us up indefinitely. But most of us would rather fight against the water than let it do that. Why?”
“It’s just a natural instinct,” said Kate. “It’s like learning to swim. When you first jump into the water you splash and kick because you’re afraid if you don’t you’ll sink. It takes a while to figure out that you have to work with the water instead of against it.”
“Exactly,” said Jackson. “And that’s what this path is about. We’re going to talk about how we work with the water in our lives instead of struggling against it. Let me ask you all this, what does water represent in witchcraft?”
“Mystery,” said several people at once.
“Secrets,” said another.
“The unknown,” a third suggested.
“Good,” Jackson said. “So if it represents those things, then what we’re talking about is figuring out how to work with mystery and the unknown without being overly afraid of it. We’re talking about allowing ourselves to experience the wonder and the power of going into darkness, even when we don’t know what’s waiting there for us.”
Kate felt a little shiver of fear run down her spine as she suddenly imagined herself walking down a dark corridor, unable to see what was ahead of her or to either side. The image both frightened and excited her.
“But can’t that be dangerous?”
Kate looked over at Lucy Reilly, the person who had just asked the question. She’d been sort of surprised to see that Lucy was in her group, or that she was in any group. She’d assumed that the Reilly girls would be working during the week, not taking part in the activities. But there Lucy was, holding a notebook and pen in her hands and looking at Jackson with a mixture of expectation and sullenness, as if daring him to contradict her. Kate hadn’t even spoken to Lucy, but already she’d decided that the girl had a bad attitude about things. She seemed determined to be unhappy, and Kate didn’t like that. Nora seemed much more easygoing, and Kate found herself wishing that the other twin was in her group instead of Lucy.
“Yes,” Jackson said. “It can be dangerous. But anything can be dangerous, especially magic. It’s what you do with it that’s important.”
Lucy nodded and didn’t say anything. Kate found herself staring at the girl. She didn’t know why. She couldn’t help it. There was just something about her face, about how intent she looked as she wrote in her notebook. It was as if Lucy was desperately trying to figure out something but wasn’t quite there. Her forehead was knitted up and her eyes were focused on the page in front of her as she wrote.
Then, suddenly, she looked up and straight into Kate’s face. Kate tried to look away, but it was too late. Lucy had seen her. Kate glanced back and saw Lucy watching her with an irritated expression. Great, she thought. Now she’ll really like me. She tried to smile at Lucy, but the other girl turned back to her notes and totally ignored her.
“As the week goes on we’ll go deeper and deeper into the water—into mystery,” Jackson was saying. “We’re going to confront those things that may be holding us back and preventing us from doing the things we want to do in our magical work.”
“What exactly will we be doing?” asked Star.
Jackson gave her a sly smile. “That’s part of the mystery,” he said. “I’m only going to let you see one step ahead at a time. I don’t want you to see any more than that because the point of this path is to learn to trust yourself, as well as the others you’re working with, to walk into the unknown and face whatever is there.”
Star leaned over to Kate. “It looks like we really asked for it this time,” she said. “You still want to do it?”
“Yeah,” Kate said. “I think I do.”
As much as what Jackson had been saying frightened her, Kate was intrigued by the prospect of seeing where the path might take her. She’d always been a little bit afraid of going where she couldn’t see, in life and especially in her magic. Cooper and Annie took chances, but she almost always played it safe. Her recent experiences with the practices of Santeria, which she had studied for a month as part of the study group, had been a big step for her. Thanks to what she’d learned from Evelyn LeJardin, the woman who had taught her what she now knew about the religion, Kate had discovered a part of herself that she hadn’t known existed.
In particular, being told that she was under the protection of the Santerian god Oggun had given her the courage to experiment with magic. Her experiment hadn’t been entirely successful, but she’d learned from it, and that was the important thing. Now she thought she was ready to take another step forward, to see what else lay along the path she’d chosen to walk.
“Okay,” Jackson said. “Why don’t we start with our first exercise. I’d like you all to put on one of these.”
He opened a box that had been sitting beside him and handed it to the person on his right. She removed a long strip of black cloth and held it up before passing the box to the next person.
“These are blindfolds,” Jackson explained. “There’s one for each of you. When you get yours, tie it around your eyes. And make sure you can’t see out the bottom or the sides,”
he added sternly. “I don’t want any cheating.”
As each person took a blindfold she or he put it on. Kate took hers and placed it over her eyes. She was surprised at how the light was cut off instantly and she was plunged into darkness. As she knotted the ends of the blindfold behind her head, she was reminded of the night when she, Annie, and Cooper had undergone their dedication ceremony beginning their year and a day of studying Wicca. They had been blindfolded then, too, and she had been extremely nervous. She hadn’t known what the witches were going to do to her, or what was expected of her.
She felt a little bit like that now, but this time she knew that nothing bad was going to happen to her. She knew that she was among friends, even if she didn’t know most of the people in her path. She also knew that Jackson wouldn’t let anything bad occur, and that made things easier.
“All right,” Jackson said. “It looks as if you all have blindfolds on. Now I’d like you all to stand up.”
Kate felt around and carefully pushed herself up off the floor. Standing was more difficult than she’d expected without anything to hang on to or any way of knowing where she was. But she did it, and all around her she heard the others standing as well.
“Now I want you to make sure you’re still in a circle,” Jackson said. “Everyone take the hands of the people on either side of you.”
Kate reached out, feeling for hands. She found one and closed her fingers around the other person’s. It felt good to have something to hold. With her other hand she waved around until she met someone else doing the same thing. The two of them laughed, and Kate could tell that the other person was a man by the sound of his voice. She gripped his hand and he moved to stand closer to her.
Jackson was walking around them, and Kate could hear his voice getting closer and farther away as he moved. “That’s good,” he said. “There are still a few of you who only have one hand being held. Keep looking until you’ve found another.”
A minute later he said, “Perfect. You’ve accomplished your first task. But don’t get excited. It gets harder now.”
There were groans from the participants at that news. Kate wondered what Jackson would make them do next, and if she could do it. She felt secure standing in a circle with people on either side of her, and she didn’t want that to change. But she suspected that Jackson had other ideas for them.
“Now I want you to drop the hands of the people beside you,” he said.
Kate let go and felt the fingers slipping out of hers. As soon as her neighbors had let go she felt alone. She stood there, her body swaying slightly. She wished that someone would reach out and touch her. Suddenly she was overcome by the irrational thought that everyone except her had left the room, and that she was standing there all alone. Or worse, that everyone else had somehow been instructed to take off their blindfolds and they were all standing there, watching her. She almost reached up to remove her own blindfold when Jackson began to speak again.
“I want you all to turn around,” he said. “Just keep turning until you hear me say stop.”
Kate began to turn slowly, moving her feet carefully so that she wouldn’t fall down. Why was Jackson having them do this? she wondered. What purpose could it possibly have? All it seemed to be doing was making her dizzy and disoriented. But she continued to turn until she was totally unsure of whether she was facing forward or backward or somewhere in between.
“Okay,” Jackson called out. “Stop.”
Kate froze. Her head was still reeling a little, but that passed after a moment. She still didn’t know which way she was facing, however.
“Now I want you all to walk forward,” instructed Jackson. “Go as slowly as you need to, but walk straight ahead. And when you find yourself bumping into someone, stop and take that person’s hand.”
Kate hesitated. She was having a hard time willing her feet to go forward. What if she tripped over something? What if there was no one in front of her and she just kept walking until she hit a wall?
“Don’t worry about falling,” said Jackson. “I’ll be walking around watching you. And if you’re really going nowhere I’ll give you a little nudge in the right direction.”
Hearing that made Kate feel slightly better, and she stepped forward. She was still worried about tripping, and about running into someone else, but she did it. She put her hands out in front of her so that she could feel anything she came into contact with.
She took half a dozen steps without touching anything. All around the room she could hear people moving, but she wasn’t running into any of them. Was she going the right way? What was the right way? She had no way of knowing.
Every so often she heard people cry out in triumph as they found someone else in their path. She’d been moving around for a long time. Was she the only one who hadn’t yet partnered up? She began to panic again, but then she remembered that Jackson was watching to make sure nothing bad happened. Still, she was anxious to find someone.
Then her hands touched something. It felt soft. It disappeared for a second, and Kate found herself trying to find it again. Then it was there, under her fingers. It was a shirtsleeve. She ran her hands down the person’s arm until she found a hand, which she gripped in triumph.
“I thought I was going to end up all by myself,” Kate said.
“So did I,” said a female voice.
“It looks as if everyone has found a partner,” Jackson said. “But don’t take off your blindfolds yet. Now I want you to sit down facing your partner.”
Kate and her partner held hands as they lowered themselves to the floor and positioned themselves so that they were directly in front of one another. They continued to hold hands, as if neither of them wanted to let go again now that they’d found someone to touch.
“Okay,” Jackson said. “Now for the really fun part. Each of you is going to tell your partner a secret about yourself. And that secret is going to be what it is you are most afraid of.”
Kate felt her heart stop in her chest as Jackson spoke. She had to tell this person she couldn’t even see what it was she was most afraid of in the world? She couldn’t do that.
“I don’t want you to say things like snakes or heights or really big dogs,” Jackson continued. “Really think about it. Think about what it is you most fear in this world. Once you know, tell your partner.”
Kate was still holding her partner’s hand, and she felt her fingers stiffen. Is she as afraid as I am? Kate wondered. No, make that terrified. She was being asked to tell a complete stranger her biggest fear. How could she do that?
But she’s blindfolded, too, she reminded herself. You can’t see each other. Strangely, that made things worse instead of better. It meant that she couldn’t see the other person’s face. She couldn’t tell whether her partner was someone she knew or a stranger. She was just a pair of hands and a voice.
“Wow,” Kate said finally. “This is hard.”
“Don’t talk too much,” Jackson warned them, making Kate jump. “Work quickly. You’re trying to make it easier, and this isn’t supposed to be easy.”
Kate breathed deeply. Should she go first? Should she wait for her partner? The other person wasn’t saying anything either. Were they both just going to sit there forever? Finally, Kate couldn’t stand it any longer.
“I’m afraid of never trusting anyone again,” she said, surprising herself. She hadn’t been thinking that at all. She’d been thinking about how she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to make a decision when the time came to choose whether or not to be initiated into Wicca as a full-fledged witch. But at the last second the other statement had come out.
Now that it had, she realized that it was true. She was afraid of never trusting anyone. The situation with Tyler and Annie had weakened the trust she’d had with each of them, and now she saw that it had shaken her more than she’d been letting herself believe.
But it wasn’t the time to think about that. She was supposed to be listening to her partner. She tri
ed to focus on the person whose hands she was holding. But she wasn’t saying anything. Kate could hear her breathing, and could feel her fingers trembling, but she wasn’t speaking. Then her voice came, quickly and trembling.
“I’m afraid my sister is going to kill me,” she said.
The words hit Kate like a splash of cold water. But before she could react to them Jackson said, “It’s time to stand up again. When you’re on your feet I want you to spin around again. When I say stop, stop and walk forward twelve paces. Then you may take off your blindfolds.”
Wait! Kate cried out silently. I can’t just leave things this way. Her partner had just told her that she feared for her life. If Kate did as Jackson asked, she wouldn’t know who she’d been talking to.
But her partner was standing, pulling Kate with her. Reluctantly, Kate got up as well. She wanted to pull her blindfold off, but she didn’t dare. Then her partner let go of her hands, and Kate was alone again.
“Spin,” Jackson said. “Spin until I say stop.”
Kate did as he said, turning around and around. As she did the words her partner had spoken kept repeating in her mind. I’m afraid my sister is going to kill me. I’m afraid my sister is going to kill me. I’m afraid my sister is going to kill me.
“Stop,” Jackson called out. “Now walk forward and take off your blindfolds.”
Kate moved ahead, no longer caring whether she fell or ran into someone else. She counted out twelve steps, then reached up and removed her blindfold. Blinking in the sudden harshness of the light, she looked around. Who had her partner been? Where was she now? People were all over the library, each of them staring around. There were several women around Kate. Her partner could have been any of them. She had no way of knowing for sure which of them it had been.
“Wasn’t that intense?”
Kate looked up and saw Star standing a few feet from her. Had she been her partner? Kate tried to remember how the voice had sounded, but suddenly it was slipping away from her. She looked at Star and smiled weakly.
