But now I don’t feel his goals benefit the whole family, and I get annoyed that he’s seeking “extra” things and has fixed deadlines for things that I don’t find important. We have three small kids that he helps a ton with, true. But I still feel like he’s rushing through helping with them to get to his own goals. He also gets up super-early (5:00 a.m.) to accomplish things—and he often wakes me up. After being up with babies or kids multiple times each night, and after many years of sleep deprivation, it really annoys me to get woken up for his goals.
He acts like he has so much to do, but in my mind he doesn’t, because these things aren’t outer expectations. At a time when I’m barely hanging on by a thread, I want him to focus on basics and not take on extra goals that inevitably become my goals, too. If I act disinterested in his goals, then I might as well not be around, because that’s all that seems important to him.
I can appreciate both perspectives there. I have to say, as an Upholder, this Obliger’s lament gave me a whole new insight into why Obligers get impatient with Upholders.
Obligers may get frustrated when Upholders refuse to provide accountability.
Upholders may feel uncomfortable when Obligers say, “I’m doing this because you told me to do it” or “I’m doing this for you.” Upholders want people to do things for their own reasons—which is a big demand.
Understanding the Tendencies can help reduce conflict. One Upholder wrote, “Learning that my partner is an Obliger improved our relationship, because now I understand that if he doesn’t follow through on something, it isn’t because he’s careless or undisciplined. He just needs outer accountability.”
Upholder-Rebel
In general, Upholders and Rebels don’t pair up easily. They see the world in very different ways and thrive in very different environments. Breaking the rules makes the Upholder uneasy, while the Rebel gets a kick out of it. Over time, this can lead to a lot of problems. As one reader wrote: “I’m an Upholder married to a Rebel. He has great difficulty working under bosses, hates our church, is unhappy most of the time that he has to work. He only does jobs around the home that he selects and wants to do. I go to a counselor myself, but he won’t go. I do love him. He was my white knight through a very difficult cancer treatment (no sign of the Rebel then!).”
Also, Upholders tend to love schedules, plans, and assignments, and dislike changes of plans or failure to complete them, while Rebels resist binding commitments. The more the Upholder tries to put something on the calendar or to-do list, the more the Rebel wants to ignore it.
The Upholder-Rebel matchup can be tough when it involves a parent and a child, no matter who’s the Upholder and who’s the Rebel.
A Rebel friend has a young Upholder son. I asked, “Say your son’s school had a rule like ‘Children have to wear button-down shirts on Friday.’ What would you do?”
She considered for a moment. “If it were important to him, I’d buy him the shirt,” she said. (She’s a Rebel who puts great emphasis on being a loving, understanding parent.) “But I would never make him wear the shirt.”
As always, whether an Upholder and a Rebel can pair up successfully will depend on their other personality traits. For instance, in marriage, an Upholder might pair well with a Rebel who puts a high value on the identity of being a loving, helpful partner.
And an Upholder and a Rebel can get along well in a relationship where they don’t have many expectations for each other. One Rebel wrote, “My Upholder roommate was absolutely horrified that I get up at a different time every day. I was horrified by the fact that she’s so regimented that she recognizes the other people in her subway car!” While they’re astonished by each other’s behavior, their own lives aren’t affected by it, so it doesn’t hurt their friendship.
The fact is, no combination of Tendencies is doomed; given the right combination of personalities and circumstances, any pair can work. As one Upholder explained:
My partner’s Rebel Tendency balances me and helps me tone down my Upholder side. I love being an Upholder, but there have been times when it was my downfall—particularly when I was struggling with realizing I was gay. Coming out felt like letting myself and my family’s expectations down simultaneously, which for an Upholder was almost too much to bear.
By contrast, my partner never struggled with coming out when she was younger, because she was more than happy to go against the grain. As a result, her Rebel Tendency helped protect her emotionally during what for most people is an extremely trying period of self-discovery. Her confidence in who she is is one of the things I’ve always admired about her.
Her spontaneity can be frustrating, but it also forces me to lighten up and realize when I’m “upholding for the sake of upholding.” For example, I struggle with canceling plans, but if I’m not feeling well or have had a stressful week, she takes pleasure in watching me finally bend and cancel, which counterbalances the feeling that I’ve not met expectations I placed on myself. And despite her Rebel tendency, she does want to make me happy and will therefore acquiesce to my lists, calendars, and the endless planning that I inject into our daily lives (though she does bring a fair dose of humor to it).
Another Rebel explained why she thinks the Upholder-Rebel pairing can be a good match: “I admire my Upholder husband’s extreme dedication and tireless pursuit of his goals. He values my independence and nonconformist thinking. We both belong to the two ‘extreme’ tendencies, and neither of us really understands Obligers or Questioners. To us, they seem inconsistent and mushy.”
Upholders and Rebels can learn a lot from each other. I’d written that my Upholder motto is “Discipline brings freedom,” and a thoughtful Rebel replied, “As a motto for us Rebels, I propose flipping your Upholder motto, Gretchen, on its head. Upholders and Rebels could, after all, be described as antithetical. So while you live by the motto, ‘Discipline brings freedom,’ I live by the motto: ‘Freedom is my discipline.’ ”
Questioner-Questioner
For some people, the pairing of two Questioners works well, because both partners understand and appreciate the importance of getting answers to questions. One Questioner explained:
My husband and I are both Questioners, in different ways. He’ll spend hours researching a purchase like a tent for camping, and I would never do this (I make quick decisions regarding purchases), but even though I wouldn’t do it, I find satisfaction in knowing that he did the research.
I’ve observed how different we are from some couples, because we don’t feel threatened or criticized when we question each other. We understand the need to look at a decision from multiple angles—we find it helpful instead of hurtful. It’s refreshing that he doesn’t feel criticized when I question decisions, purchases, plans. He gets it, he even appreciates it.
On the other hand, two Questioners can sometimes find it hard to make decisions. A Questioner friend observed, “Because we’re both Questioners, we can get stuck.”
“Like what?”
“When we were renovating our house, we needed to replace our dishwasher, and every time we’d go to replace it, next thing you know, we’re standing out in the yard deciding whether to add a second floor. Every question seemed to lead to more questions.”
“So how did you two finally decide?”
“For a good two years, we lived with a nonfunctioning dishwasher, because we just couldn’t decide what to do. Finally I decided that any dishwasher is better than no dishwasher. I said, ‘We’re having houseguests next month, and we have to get the new dishwasher installed by that date.’ We both respond well to deadlines.”
The pairing of Questioner parent and Questioner child often works well. The parent sympathizes with the child’s resistance to doing anything arbitrary or unjustified, and may be willing to give reasons for parenting judgments. The Questioner child respects the Questioner parent’s sound decision making.
However, the Questioner’s dislike of being questioned can cause frustration. The Questione
r parent says, “We’ll eat whatever I cook for dinner,” or the Questioner child says, “I’m dealing with my science project, I don’t want to talk about it.” Explanations exist—these are Questioners, after all—but Questioners often don’t want to be questioned.
Questioner-Obliger
Obligers team up well with Questioners, but there are potential points of conflict. One Obliger gave a small but telling example: “I use crosswalks and follow the walk signals, while my Questioner husband doesn’t find it important to use crosswalks or signals, so he jaywalks.”
Obligers can get exasperated by Questioners’ constant demand for reasons, information, and justifications. One Obliger recalled:
I worked for a Questioner boss who could never get enough information to make a decision until the very last minute. As an Obliger who did financial modeling and forecasting for her, I spent countless hours creating new models with slightly different assumptions that all ended up with nearly the same answer as the original model.
Obligers do well to remember that Questioners are much more cooperative when they understand why they’re being asked to do something. One Obliger wrote, “Now I know that when I ask my Questioner husband to do something, I need to explain why it’s important. I’m used to thinking that if it needs to get done, then he should just do it, but he needs a reason to do it. We’ve had hours-long ‘discussions’ that we could’ve avoided if I’d just known to give him the whys up front.”
An Obliger parent can get very impatient with a Questioner child, whose questions can seem tiresome or cheeky. An Obliger told me:
As an Obliger, my view is that if your parent, teacher, or coach tells you to do something, you do it—no questions asked. But my Questioner daughter refuses to do anything until she understands why she’s being asked to do it. I know that she doesn’t mean to sound smart-alecky or uncooperative, but I worry that other adults in her life won’t be so patient.
When Questioners see Obligers fail to meet an inner expectation, they can sometimes be dismissive or harsh; because they don’t have trouble meeting inner expectations, they have little sympathy for Obligers’ struggle. Similarly, when Obligers complain about something they “have” to do, Questioners don’t have much sympathy, because they think, “If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it” or “Why did you say you’d do it, if you don’t want to?”
Questioner-Rebel
Questioners and Rebels have an affinity. Both Tendencies feel justified—to a greater or lesser degree—in setting the rules for themselves and rejecting outer expectations. One Rebel wrote, “I get along well with Questioners. They’re like ‘I don’t care what people say we’re supposed to do, that doesn’t make sense for me, I won’t do it. What about you?’ and I’m like ‘Oh, I don’t feel like doing it, either.’ ”
To Upholders and Obligers, this attitude can sometimes look like a self-involved disregard for expectations intended to apply to everyone. But Questioners and Rebels are amazed that anyone would behave otherwise.
However, Questioners can get impatient with the Rebels’ automatic contrarian position and refusal to do what’s fair or efficient or reasonable; Rebels are unmoved by the Questioners’ insistence on information and justifications. I heard from a reader:
I’m a Questioner, and now there’s a Rebel in my office. He does his own thing when the group has already decided on another course of action. He wastes time on things that don’t add value. I love my job, because my job is to ask why things are the way they are and to come up with answers based on data and research. But I come home frustrated because this person ignores new data and research and focuses on what he feels he should be doing instead. I’m frustrated because he misses deadlines, and my own questions aren’t answered.
One Questioner partnered with a Rebel set out the pros and cons of this matchup:
We really understand each other when we make off-the-wall choices that go against the mainstream, because I’ve researched and feel good about it, and it makes him oddly happy to do something unexpected. On the other hand, decisions like car choices can hang us up. I’ll drown in research, and he’s terrified at the prospect of being “bound” to the same car. We both frequently agree outer expectations mean nothing to us.
Obliger-Obliger
Depending on the circumstances, a relationship between two Obligers can be very harmonious—two of the happiest married couples I know are Obliger-Obliger—but they can also struggle to get into action. An Obliger explained, “We want to eat healthfully, but when one of us says ‘Want to get pizza?’ the other one says ‘Heck, yes!’ We have a hard time being motivated to do healthy activities together, such as exercise. It’s easy to make grand plans for everything we could do, and then it doesn’t happen.”
The key for Obliger-Obliger pairs is to set up systems of outer accountability—which may often mean accountability outside the pair. A married couple who wants to stick to a budget might struggle to hold each other accountable, but regular meetings with a financial adviser or coach might give them accountability.
An Obliger parent with an Obliger child can work well. Parents feel accountable for their children, and children feel accountable to their parents, so together they can get a lot accomplished. One Obliger wrote:
I needed accountability to get me out of bed in the morning. My mom wanted to get up early, too, so I proposed that we be Bible buddies. I call her at 7:00 a.m., and we have a quick catch-up, then we read a passage and discuss it, then we pray for each other. It’s the perfect solution, because it gets us out of bed and also instills a new habit of reading the Bible daily, which I’ve always wanted to do. Plus it makes us both really happy to share this time together.
Obliger-Rebel
This very striking pattern of pairing is discussed in chapter 10, in the section “Dealing with a Rebel Spouse—and the Pattern of the Rebel/Obliger Couple.”
Some Obliger-Rebel pairs do experience frustration. For instance, many Obliger adult children have told me that it’s tough to have a Rebel parent.
A friend said, “My mother adores her grandchildren, but if I ask her to babysit, she wants us to bring the kids to her house, at the time she chooses. Everything has to be on her terms. And she misses out because of it. My husband and I often don’t include her because we think, ‘Well, we want to get there on time, or do things a certain way, and she won’t go along with it.’ ”
Another Obliger wrote to me, “I once told my father that something started at 6:00, when it started at 7:00, because he’s chronically late. He told me that I’d been manipulative. Fair enough.”
Manipulative—or realistic? It’s a fine line.
Rebel-Rebel
Rebels often don’t tend to pair up well with other Rebels. An Obliger observed, “My husband and daughter are both Rebels, and ironically they both hate the Rebel streaks in each other. They judge each other most harshly for doing exactly what the other does—they call each other lazy, point out each other’s faults, and clash all the time.”
A reader wrote to me: “I know one Rebel-Rebel pairing, and it works for two reasons: (1) The husband makes a lot of money at his own business, which he loves obsessively, and his wife stays home and does whatever she feels like after getting the kids off to school. (2) They both have strong identities that make them want to be good parents and family members.”
I was intrigued by this rare spotting of a Rebel-Rebel pair, so I wrote to ask, “How do they decide what to do? Say, when and where to go on a vacation?” Rebels generally resist being told to do a certain thing at a certain time, even if they want to do it.
My source wrote back:
I love hearing their vacation planning stories. The wife picks exactly what she wants, and then the husband decides whether he wants to go as well. So far, he’s rarely wanted to be left behind, but she puts no obligations on him to go. If he’d asked her to book that vacation, she would’ve resisted. They plan most events this way: one person cares very much, and
the other person shows up, or doesn’t. When it comes to kid obligations, they take turns as much as possible, because each of them finds it painful to do what they’re “supposed” to do. I don’t think their relationship would work if they couldn’t afford to outsource so much.
One Rebel-Rebel pair described their relationship:
I’m the type I would call “the libertarian rebel” [REBEL/Obliger]. I need autonomy, space, freedom, flexibility, to move often, to change perspective, not to feel bound too strictly. I want to change plans the very moment a plan starts forming in my head. My husband is different, but still a Rebel. I’d call him “the identitarian rebel” [REBEL/Questioner]. He wants to be original, do things his own way, be true to himself, express himself in what he does and how he does it.
As for our life together, to be honest, there’s not much of that. I work in a different town, so we’re a living-apart-together couple. We have two flats. Every time we spend some days together, I start feeling restless. Neither of us sees the point of devoting much thought, time, energy, or money into keeping the flats in order, so we devote very little time to these chores.
These two Rebels make a successful couple because they’ve set up their lives to work for them instead of trying to follow a conventional model.
I’ve talked to many people who’ve told me, “I’m a Rebel with a Rebel child, and I don’t know how non-Rebels figure out how to handle a Rebel kid.” Though one Rebel mother told me, “I used to feel guilty about the fact that I wasn’t checking up on my daughter, reminding her to do her homework, or anything like that. Now that I realize that she’s a Rebel just like me, I know that it’s better not to do those things.”
The Four Tendencies Page 18
