In just about all situations, framing expectations to suit the Four Tendencies can bring more cooperation and completion, with less friction. In most cases, when we try to influence others, we use the strategies that would work on us. The Four Tendencies can help us, instead, to give other people what they need—not what we would need. And then we can work together more harmoniously.
13
Whatever Our Tendency, We Can Learn to Harness Its Strengths
Just as coffee can grow…under 7,000 [feet] and cedar over 7,000, I think that every human being requires a certain type of soil, temperature, and altitude, very narrowly defined for some, almost universal for others—in order to feel free and happy, that is to say, free to develop his nature to the utmost of which it is capable. I believe that one can feel completely free both in a Trappist monastery or at the court in Berlin; but I think it would have to be an unusual and an unusually gracious personality that would feel free in both places.
—Isak Dinesen, letter, August 19, 1923
Our Tendencies shape our experiences and our perspective. We respond to circumstances and language in different ways, and we flourish in different environments.
But whatever our Tendency, with greater experience and wisdom, we can learn to harness its strengths and counterbalance its negative aspects.
One afternoon, after I gave a talk about the Four Tendencies, a man asked me, “Which Tendency makes people the happiest?” I was startled to realize that this very obvious question had never crossed my mind. “Also,” he continued, with an equally obvious follow-up question, “which Tendency is the most successful?”
I realized that the answer is—as it is so often—“It depends.” It depends on how a particular person deals with the upside and downside of a Tendency. The happiest and most successful people are those who have figured out ways to exploit their Tendency to their benefit and, just as important, found ways to counterbalance its limitations. For all of us, it’s possible to take the steps to create the life we want—but we must do that in the way that’s right for us.
I’m haunted by a single line spoken by the novelist and Rebel John Gardner: “Every time you break the law you pay, and every time you obey the law you pay.” Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels, we all must grapple with the consequences of our Tendency—with its strengths and its weaknesses, its foibles and its frustrations.
When we understand our Tendency, we’re better able to grasp how, and when, and why to pay—and how to build the life we want.
APPENDIX
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
What a joy it was to write The Four Tendencies! I have so many people to thank for their help and insights in understanding the Four Tendencies.
First, thanks to my family—they’ve all listened to me talk about the Four Tendencies practically every day for several years.
Thanks to my brilliant agent, Christy Fletcher, and to Sylvie Greenberg, Grainne Fox, Sarah Fuentes, and Mink Choi of Fletcher & Co.
Thanks to my terrific editor, Mary Reynics, and to the extraordinary team of Diana Baroni, Sarah Breivogel, Julie Cepler, Aaron Wehner, and everyone who worked with me on The Four Tendencies.
And thanks as well to Lisa Highton of Two Roads.
Beth Rashbaum labored mightily to help me convey my ideas clearly.
Mike Courtney and Quyen Nguyen at Aperio Insights did an extraordinary job of building and supervising the Four Tendencies Quiz.
Thanks to the great people at Worthy Marketing—Jayme Johnson, Jody Matchett, David Struve, and everyone there.
Crystal Ellefsen helps me every day to get my words out into the world.
Mighty Networks built, maintains, and advises on the Better app. A huge thanks to Gina Bianchini, Audra Lindsay, Brian Vu, Rachel Masters, and everyone at Mighty Networks.
In podcast land, I want to thank the great people of Panoply: our terrific producer, Kristen Meinzer, former producer Henry Molofsky, as well as Andy Bowers and Laura Mayer. And also thanks to my cohost, my sister the sage, Elizabeth Craft.
FLASH EVALUATION FOR GRETCHEN RUBIN’S FOUR TENDENCIES
Many readers have requested a quick, informal method to figure out someone’s Tendency.
I’ve heard from managers who need to make hiring decisions, teachers who want to understand their students, health professionals who want to tailor their approach to suit individual patients, people going on first dates who want to assess a potential partner—and people who just want to use the Four Tendencies as a cocktail-party ice-breaker.
A few questions can provide a strong sense of a person’s Tendency. It’s important not to listen for a specific “answer,” but to pay attention to people’s reasoning, the kind of language they use. People’s answers are less important than the way they think about the question.
Because the Tendencies overlap with each other, two Tendencies might answer a particular question in the same way.
Note that Questioner and Obliger are the biggest Tendencies, so you’re more likely to be dealing with a Questioner or an Obliger.
Of course, depending on the situation, people may not be truthful, for fear that an honest answer would reflect poorly on them.
“How do you feel about New Year’s resolutions?”
In general, Upholders enjoy New Year’s resolutions and will also make resolutions at other times.
Questioners will make and keep resolutions, but they often object that January 1 is an arbitrary date or that it’s inefficient to wait to start a resolution.
Obligers often say that they no longer make New Year’s resolutions because they’ve failed so often in the past. Or if they do make them, they often don’t keep them.
Generally, Rebels won’t bind themselves with resolutions. Occasionally, Rebels find it fun to do so, and they emphasize that they wanted to do it, they enjoyed it, they liked the challenge.
“Imagine that you see a sign on the wall here that says ‘No cell phones,’ and I pulled out my cell phone and started using it. How would you feel about that?”
Upholders will say they’d feel very uncomfortable.
Questioners will analyze the possible justifications for the rule and decide whether it is warranted. If they think the rule is senseless, they won’t be bothered by seeing someone break it.
Obligers will say that they’d feel uncomfortable, which they might explain by saying that cell phone use in public places can inconvenience or annoy others, or you might get reprimanded for using a phone.
Rebels will say that they don’t care. They might even get a kick out of the rule-breaking.
“Would you ever sign up to take a free course for fun? And if you did, let’s say someone close to you says, ‘It’s kind of inconvenient for me for you to take that class.’ How might you react?”
Most people will probably say something like “Well, it would depend on why it’s inconvenient, how serious the inconvenience is, how important it is to me to take the course, etc.” Assure them that the course would mean a very minor inconvenience for the other person.
Upholders will tend to say they’d go. They want to go; they signed up for it; they’re sorry that someone else is slightly inconvenienced, but they can live with that. They will emphasize the value of sticking to plans, following through on their expectations for themselves.
Questioners, ditto. But Questioners might also focus on the reasons and justifications for their decision to take the course in the first place.
Obligers will waver when they think that someone else might be inconvenienced. That outer expectation will be painful.
Rebels will say that they wouldn’t go if they didn’t feel like it. They might observe that they’d never sign up for a course—how could they know what they’d feel like doing that day? If they did sign up, they wouldn’t go if they didn’t feel like it.
“Looking back, can you remember a time when you succeeded in changing an important habit?”
An answer such as “For years, I walked every mor
ning with a neighbor—but she moved away, and I don’t do it anymore” suggests Obligers, while “I read a lot of the new research about the value of strength-training, and after interviewing a few trainers, I now strength-train regularly” suggests Questioners, and “I run when I feel like it” suggests Rebels. Upholders will have many examples.
“Do you find it easy to complete your own to-do list? What about someone else’s to-do list?”
Upholders complete their own to-do lists as easily as they complete to-do lists that others gave them.
Questioners more easily complete a to-do list they wrote themselves.
Obligers more easily complete a to-do list that someone else gave them.
Rebels usually ignore a to-do list, or they may put a Rebel spin on it, such as “I keep a running to-do list, and when I feel like tackling some chore, I’ll do it, but only when I’m in the mood.”
Even quicker questions to ask:
“Do people ever call you rigid?”
“Yes” suggests Upholders.
“Have people ever told you that you ask too many questions?”
“Yes” suggests Questioners.
“Do you agree: Promises we make to others shouldn’t be broken, but promises we make to ourselves can be broken?”
“Yes” suggests Obligers.
“Do you think that something’s more fun if it’s against the rules?”
“Yes” suggests Rebels.
For each Tendency, one question matters most:
• Upholders ask: “Should I do this?”
• Questioners ask: “Does this make sense?”
• Obligers ask: “Does this matter to anyone else?”
• Rebels ask: “Is this the person I want to be?”
FURTHER RESOURCES ON GRETCHEN RUBIN’S FOUR TENDENCIES
I have many further resources to help you understand and use the Four Tendencies framework.
The main additional resource is the Better app, discussed on this page. The Better app allows you to use the Four Tendencies to make your life better, by harnessing the Four Tendencies to meet your aims (or to help other people to do so); the Better app also makes it easy to form and join accountability groups.
I’ve created two summary guides to act as quick references to the Four Tendencies. To get a PDF, go to gretchenrubin.com to download it or to email me a request:
• The Flash Evaluation—to help you determine someone’s Tendency quickly and casually
• The Nutshell Guide to the Four Tendencies—a summary of the Four Tendencies, with their strengths, weaknesses, and patterns of behavior
You can also email me to request:
• The Discussion Guide for The Four Tendencies—for book groups, work groups, faith- and spirituality-based groups, workshops, accountability groups, and the like
• The Starter Kit for launching an accountability group
• Further Reading on Other Personality Frameworks—if you love a good personality framework as much as I do, you’ll be interested in these other works
I also frequently write about the Four Tendencies on my blog, gretchenrubin.com, and my cohost and sister, Elizabeth Craft, and I often discuss the framework on our podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin. For instance, we focus on each of the Four Tendencies in episodes 35, 36, 37, and 38.
THE BETTER APP: GRETCHEN RUBIN’S FOUR TENDENCIES
With the outstanding team at Mighty Networks, I’ve created an app, Better. It’s all about how to use the Four Tendencies to make your life…better.
Better helps you harness the Four Tendencies framework to create a better life—and it can also allow you to help and persuade other people more effectively.
I can hardly drag myself away from the conversations in the app; people’s insights, experiences, and tips are fascinating.
The Better app allows you to:
• Join accountability groups tailored to your specific Tendency. Obligers, you know you need this! Accountability that’s always with you, right in your pocket.
• Meet other Obligers, Questioners, Upholders, and Rebels to get support, encouragement, and ideas for navigating your Tendency—as well as navigating other people’s Tendencies.
• Join discussions on topics related to the Four Tendencies, such as:
Work and career
Productivity
Children and parenting
Guiding teams, patients, or clients
Love and relationships
Achieving goals
Fun with the Four Tendencies (this is where I really let myself get whimsical)
Building habits
Accountability
Better health
Learn more online at www.BetterApp.us, or search for “Better Gretchen Rubin” in the app store.
NOTES
Note about emails, posts to the blog, and other personal stories: While I’ve changed identifying details and edited comments for clarity and length, all the illustrations come from real people.
Chapter 1: The Four Tendencies
To test my observations about the Four Tendencies…Quantitative survey conducted by Aperio Insights among nationally representative sample of U.S. adults, geographically dispersed with mix of gender, age, and household income. Four-minute online survey fielded July 18–August 2, 2016, n=1,564.
Chapter 3: Understanding the Upholder
one study of Facebook status updates…Matt Huston, “Status Updates Don’t Lie,” PsychologyToday.com, July 8, 2015, https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201507/status-updates-don-t-lie.
Chapter 5: Understanding the Questioner
one survey in which 26% of doctors agreed with the statement…http://www.consumerreports.org/health/resources/pdf/best-buy-drugs/money-saving-guides/english/Drug ComplianceFINAL.pdf [Website no longer active].
For instance, legendary entrepreneur and business leader Steve Jobs…Walter Isaacson, Steve Jobs (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2011), pp. 43, 453–56.
Chapter 7: Understanding the Obliger
People who enrolled in a weight-loss program with an accountability partner…Kelly McGonigal, The Willpower Instinct: How Self-control Works, Why It Matters and What You Can Do to Get More of It (New York: Avery, 2013).
when a group of children was trained as “change agents”…Nalika Gunawardena, et al., “School-based Intervention to Enable School Children to Act as Change Agents on Weight, Physical Activity and Diet of Mothers: A Cluster Randomized Controlled Trial,” International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity 13 (2016):45.
Chapter 9: Understanding the Rebel
a New York Times article about patterns of marriage, housework, and earning…Claire Cain Miller and Quoc Trung Bui, “Rise in Marriages of Equals Helps Fuel Divisions by Class,” New York Times, February 27, 2016, A1.
Girls’ Lounge
GRETCHEN RUBIN is one of the most influential writers on human nature. Her books, such as the blockbuster bestsellers The Happiness Project and Better Than Before, have sold almost three million copies in more than thirty languages. She also hosts a popular, award-winning podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin. She’s been interviewed by Oprah, eaten dinner with Daniel Kahneman, and walked arm in arm with the Dalai Lama. Rubin started her career in law and was clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor when she realized she wanted to be a writer. She lives in New York City with her family.
gretchenrubin.com
facebook.com/GretchenRubin
@gretchenrubin
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