by Blitz, Sarah
I hugged Sam. “We’re gonna miss you when you’re not on the boat, buddy.”
He smiled his bright youthful smile and said maybe he’d be back to spend a few weeks in the summers. He could help us break in whatever new cabin boy we found. As they walked away, I tried to understand what it was that seemed so strange about the differences between their smiles, and when I figured it out, it staggered me. I sat on the little loveseat and felt tears streaming down my cheeks. It was me. I was the one Cap had loved, and he’d spent his life lonely because he couldn’t have me. I cried for a long while thinking about the decades he’d lost and the last ten years when I would have run to him if I’d known. Finally, the tears purged all of the regret until only empty possibility remained.
I didn’t know what to do, so I figured I’d have to rinse the emotion away. I got up and went to the shower in the cabin, stripping out of my clothes and letting the heat of the water flow over me until the tears stopped and I felt better. It was amazing how my mind worked because as soon as I stopped feeling sad, my mind traveled instead to fantasy. I hadn’t thought of Cap as anything other than a friend since I was twelve years old. Sure, before then my crushes would skip between Rich and Cap on an almost daily basis. Since Rich and I were together, though, Cap was like a brother rather than a relationship target.
Now, though, my mind turned to thoughts of his face, his rugged looks and the way his dark eyes seemed to hold so much behind them that he appeared deeper than the ocean that had been his life from that first summer at sailing camp. I turned off the water but just stood in the shower and thought about him, the way his muscles bulged when he fought with a marlin, the way he laughed and clapped kids on the back when they caught their first fish, the way he somehow took complete control when the seas were rough so everyone’s fears became manageable in a storm. I thought about how many times I’d cried on his shoulder since Richard died how many times he could have easily had me but held back for my sake. I think as I stood in that shower I fell in love with him, or maybe I was already in love with him and I just realized it at that moment.
I was lost in those thoughts when the shower door opened and I turned in shock to see Rich standing naked at the door, holding a bar of soap. He was just as shocked as I was, and we both stared at each other for a second. Finally, he seemed to realize we were both naked and backed away quickly. Does it make me some kind of a superficial bitch that one of the foremost thoughts in my head was that he had a very large penis. I’d never really thought about the size of Richard’s cock. It was nice, and I loved him and I loved it, but Cap’s was enormous, and I guess it makes me a complete whore that it added to my feelings and almost confirmed them like the size of his cock was some kind of a sign that my feelings were right.
“Jesus, I’m sorry Ellie,” Cap said from behind the shower door. I saw a robe appear over the top of the door, and I took it and slipped it on. “Um…we got a couple of rabbits right away. I’ve already got them in crockpot. I… God, Ellie. I thought you were asleep in your room.”
I stepped out of the shower. He had a towel wrapped around his waist, and I smiled softly at him. “It was an honest mistake, Cap. Don’t beat yourself up. Besides, remember back at Lake Frederica when we were kids.”
My eyes lit up and he blushed bright red. “God! We were such kids then. Have I ever apologized for that?” I’d been swimming in a cove surrounded by tall slopes, and when I’d come out of the water, my bikini top had fallen off. Richard had grabbed it and danced around and tossed it back and forth to Cap while I hid with my breasts under the water until they finally gave it back.
“Only about a million times,” I said. Then, I opened the robe and let it fall to the floor. Cap let out a gasp, but I ignored him and stepped close.
The first kiss was profound, and Cap’s shock gradually gave way to passion as I flicked my tongue against his and felt my body melting into him. I held his head close to mine and ran my fingers through his hair, recording every detail of how he felt, how he smelled, how he held me. His hands were rough from his work, but where they touched my skin they seemed to send me sparks of electricity that made me even more determined to have him. I got more aggressive with the kiss, pushing my tongue into his mouth and wrestling with his as it fought to explore his mouth. Finally, he pushed me away and stared at me.
The break lasted for only a second before he was kissing me again, and this time he was in charge, simply devouring my mouth with his as his hand moved from the small of my back to squeeze my ass and pull me to him. I could feel that he was hard beneath the towel, and I let my hands trail down his back to pull it from him. I wanted him. I needed him. The desire was so strong that I felt dizzy with it, and when he broke the kiss, I couldn’t wait. I dropped to my knees and reached for his cock. He groaned when the fingers of one hand wrapped around his shaft. He moaned when the other hand reached up to softly caress his balls. He gasped when I leaned forward and encircled the head with my lips.
He was big, and since my only experience was with Richard, it felt strange and awkward, but I moved my tongue in circles around his crown as I stroked him, just as Rich had liked it. I supposed it was common to all men when Cap moaned and reached down to stroke my hair. I began moving my head up and down in time with my hand, trying to go deeper each time although I only made it about a third of the way down before it pushed against the opening of my throat and I needed to back up a bit. I wasn’t sure what came over me, but that wasn’t good enough for me, so I moved my hands to his ass cheeks, gripped hard, and started forcing myself deeper onto his cock.
Cap groaned as I gagged and forced myself deeper, I got almost to the base before he realized I was choking and pushed me away. I looked up at him and bit my lip. “I want to,” I whispered. I opened my mouth, got a firm grip on his ass, and pushed forward, forcing him in while I gagged until his cock ran out. My nose was pressed up against his abdomen, and I swear to God I felt such a tremendous surge of triumph even as I gagged and tears from the choking ran down my cheeks. He pushed me back again, and his eyes held traces of anger now. “Cap,” I said, “You’ve waited so long, and now I realize I’ve been waiting too.”
His eyes softened as he said, “I haven’t waited so you could kill yourself choking on me.” As the absurdity of the comment slowly dawned on him, I watched the corners of his mouth pull up into a smile and started giggling. He laughed too and sputtered out, “Okay, I suppose it’s pretty silly to think I’m so big I’d kill somebody, but still.”
I smiled and reached for his cock. “Come on, massive man.”
He batted my hand away. “I have something else in mind,” he said, and he reached down and lifted me up. I thought he was just going to bring me to my feet, but he lifted me up completely and threw me over his shoulder like a burlap bag filled with rock bass, and I giggled and beat at his ass and his thighs with my fists. “Settle down back there,” he quipped and then stepped out of the bathroom. I suddenly realized that Sam could see us, and I stopped giggling in a momentary bout of terror. We made it to my room quickly though, and when Cap tossed me on the bed, the blood rushed out of my head and the room spun a bit.
It was still spinning when I felt him part my legs and his tongue was suddenly delving between my wet folds. I groaned and put my hands on his head. His stubble felt prickly against my thighs, and I lifted on leg over his shoulder so my foot rested on his back as his tongue drove me wild with its exploration. I realized as he kissed and licked and nibbled at my pussy that he was the first man I’d been with since Richard, the first man I’d been with in more than a decade. I hadn’t even masturbated except for the first three months, late at night when I’d imagine Richard was still close to me, wear the shirts that still smelled of him, and tried to pretend is was him and not my fingers.
The sensations running through my body were matched perhaps only by the feelings running through my mind. Cap’s tongue flicking at my clit created spasms of pleasure, and those spasms seemed to trave
l everywhere. They moved up to my breasts and made my nipples ache for touch. They traveled down my legs so my toes tingled. My entire body reacted from what happened between my legs, and I held onto Cap’s head and moaned like I had when I was younger. But my head—now that was where the reactions were entirely overpowering. Even as the hour or so of crying on the loveseat had released the pressure of unknown love so too my mind was now creating all of my possible futures. They swirled within my head in a chaotic storm of choices and options.
When I came, it came from deep within me, and I think I came from the stimulation and from the emotion but perhaps even more from the realization that life had actually offered up an alternative to the decade of emptiness I’d chosen. Waves of pleasure coursed through me and I moaned and pushed myself against Cap, twisting my fingers in his hair and gripping him as though to let go was to return to the despair that had characterized a quarter of my life. Cap kept it up, stimulating me with his mouth until the stimulation became torment and then finally moving upward.
I suppose it makes me some kind of a silly romantic that when he moved on top of me and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, the weight of him flooded me with emotion that made me clutch him tightly and become possessed with the sudden fear that he would leave, that it would end. I held him tightly enough that it took a while for him to adjust himself to actually enter me. When he did my orgasm grew stronger, and I suppose size really doesn’t matter much at all because as he moved and I lifted my legs to rest my calves over the small of his back, all I could think was that he felt right, just as Richard had felt even though Richard wasn’t endowed nearly as substantially as Cap. I held his back and ran my hands over his head and tried to whisper, but no words came to me and so instead I just repeated his name over and over except I didn’t call him Cap but George.
Afterwards, still reeling from physical release, the emotional restoration, the ascendency and then dismissal of guilt and the sudden recognition of love below the surface of my behavior, I stood and wrapped myself in a sheet. I walked back to the shower and let the water run over me. Cap joined me there, and we made love again, this time in the shower, and there was something about the water that seemed apropos. We left the shower and almost again made love in my room, and if Sam hadn’t called us from the front, I think we would have.
It was Sam’s trip, really, and we walked out freshly scrubbed and smiling and he looked up at us from where he sat on the couch and said, “Now? Now when I’m leaving is when you two finally figure things out?” Cap stuttered a bit and then excused himself to check of the rabbits but Sam would have none of it. “For the last ten years you two have been moping around like you don’t see what’s in front of your face. I swear to God I was going to yell at you two about it tomorrow. I figured it wasn’t my place while I worked with you, but…well Jesus, it’s about time.”
Cap was unused to that kind of speech from Sam, and I watched anger boil up, but just when I feared it would break, he smiled and the smile became a laugh. I joined in and Sam did as well, and then, on the loveseat and trying to catch his breath Cap said, “I suppose we were pretty God damned depressing, weren’t we.”
Sam laughed and said, “It’s a wonder I didn’t jump overboard.”
As for me, I didn’t join the conversation though I joined the laughter. I sat and watched Cap with a real smile, with genuine joy; and I supposed that most of the rest of my life would be laughter. Sure, some of it would likely be bittersweet, but it had been far too long for me. Far, far too long had I lived with the bitter and not with the sweet.
