by N. A. Alcorn
“I really need to thank you. Thank you for taking care of me when I was a weak, pathetic shell of a person.” My lips involuntarily slip into a frown. My subconscious is still running my emotions.
“I’m always here for you, Amy. Always.” He brings his hand up to lightly touch my cheek, giving off an unfamiliar feeling of comfort and love. My body trembles slightly.
“You’re a good friend. The best.” I force a tight smile across my lips.
James runs his finger across my bottom lip, spurring another rush of emotions to cloud my head. “I was worried about you, sweetheart. So fucking worried about you. Ellen saw me near the physician’s lounge when she was on her way to find you and I could tell she was panicked. She told me what happened and I more than willingly dropped everything.” He kisses my forehead with enough tenderness to wrench my heart right out of my chest.
“You didn’t have to do that. I know you had a slew of patients to see today. I’m sorry I fucked up your day. Don’t feel like you have to sit here and babysit my pitiful ass. I’ll be okay.”
“There’s a difference between having to do something and wanting to do something. I wanted to be there for you, I want to be here for you, and I’m not going to let anything stop me from doing so.” His lips lightly brush my forehead again, and I find myself scooting closer to him, letting him embrace me tighter.
“I don’t deserve you.” A sob threatens to escape my throat.
“I never want to hear your mouth spout bullshit like that ever again. You hear me?” James’s voice is stern and laced with a hint of anger.
“Did Ellen tell you? Did she tell you everything?” My voice stutters.
“No. She just told me what I needed to know so I had an inkling of understanding about the state we were going to find you in.”
I inhale deeply.
My emotions are mixed up, a convoluted clusterfuck of relief and disappointment. I’m relieved that Ellen stayed true to me, yet disappointed that James doesn’t really know the truth. That he doesn’t get to know that part of me. A part of myself I hide from everyone, including myself.
“Amy, you can tell me anything—anything at all. I care about you more than you probably even realize, sweetheart.” His fingers rub soft circles along my lower back.
“You care about me?”
“Of course I care about you. I lo…” He pauses mid-sentences and takes a deep breath. “I care about you so much it nearly chokes me to death. I wish you could understand. I wish you would allow yourself to understand instead of just constantly avoiding it.”
I lightly smack his chest, desperately trying to make light of this conversation. “Shut up, idiot. Now you’re talking crazy. I get that you still have the urge to get me naked, but let’s not start getting all emotional and talking feelings and caring.”
James’s body tenses immediately. His back is ramrod straight and every single one of his muscles is stiff.
Silence.
James sighs noisily; frustration and anger exude from his pores.
“Fuck, Amy. When are you going to open your eyes and realize that me wanting to be close to you, be friends with you, hang out with you, has nothing to do with wanting to fuck you? I just want you. All of you. Every single part. I just want you.”
I peek up at him through wet lashes. His eyes are closed tightly, mouth grim, his forehead creased in frustration. I slide my palm up to his face and he leans into my touch as I caress his warm, soft cheek that has a hint of stubble. My breath hitches when I feel his hand grip my waist, and a soft moan escapes my throat when he pulls me flush against him. Against his body. His strong, masculine body that is thick with corded muscles. Muscles that are clearly defined, hard with contoured edges that can be felt through his clothing.
His eyes open and sink into my skin. Searing me with every blink, every look, and each time they glance over my body, I feel a shiver run down my spine and settle inside of my core.
God, I want him. I want him so fucking bad, but I don’t deserve him.
“I don’t deserve for someone like you to care about me, James. I’m toxic. Every inch of me is covered in flaws. My selfishness is destructive. I’ll hurt you. I’ll destroy you,” I whisper into the quietness of the room, the last words that escape my lips leaving a painful ache deep inside of my chest. I’m vulnerable, so very vulnerable. I’m voicing things that I’ve kept locked up for so long—too long. Things I’ve refused to face. The death of my brother has left so much grief; so many self-deprecating thoughts have remained inside of me.
His green eyes sear me. It’s like they are reaching inside of me and gripping my heart, gripping my soul.
“I don’t care if you cure me or kill me, baby. You are worth every moment of my time. You are worth everything.” He takes a deep, cavernous breath. Our eyes are locked, so connected in this moment. It’s like we’re the same being. His lungs are my lungs. My heart is his heart. “Your only flaw is that you’re flawless. In my eyes, you’re flawless.”
His words steal my breath.
They scorch me, taking every last ounce of fear in their wake. My vulnerability is shining through my every pore, and for once in my life, I don’t care. I want to be exposed for him. I want James to see me for exactly who I am.
“Take me. Take me, James. Fucking take me right now.”
I’m keening in desperation. I’m frantic for him, and my body has been in misery, absolute agony, since the night he turned me down. I’ve spent too many nights fantasizing about James. Wishing things could be different. Wishing I could just give in to this and let him take control. Let him prove to me that he really did turn me down because I was too drunk. And now, I want him to prove to me that those words he just spouted off were not just a bunch of fucking bullshit. I want him to prove to me that every word he said is one hundred percent the truth.
His lips are parted. His breathing has increased to lustful heaving. “Fuck.” Both of his hands are now gripping my hips, pulling me closer, so close that I can feel his hardness pressed between us. “I’m not a saint, Amy. I’m not a fucking saint. You can’t say shit like that to me and expect me to be a good guy and not take advantage of the opportunity.”
“James, I’m not asking. I’m telling you. Take me right now. Take me away. Make me forget. Let me feel you prove everything to me.” I lift my leg up and wrap it around his waist, grinding my body into his arousal, hitting that oh-so-perfect spot. The spot that sends tingles throughout all of my nerve endings, turning my body into a live wire, ready to explode at any moment.
James shuts his eyes and then opens them slowly. Those green eyes are blazing with heat, with intensity, with pure, unadulterated passion. He grasps the back of my neck and pulls my lips towards his in a crashing movement. Our kiss is furious, rough. We’re lips and tongues and teeth, wild with desire and the overwhelming need to move quickly, not letting this moment pass.
We’re nearly eating each other whole. He presses himself against me and I whimper at the feel.
James sits up on the bed and quickly slides my scrub pants and panties off of my body before removing my shirt and bra. He’s staring down at me with reverence, with desire, with undeniable want. I’m panting at the emptiness inside of me, my body begging for him to put his hands on me, in me, all over me. “Touch me, James. Touch me. ”
“I’ve been waiting for this moment for what seems like an eternity,” he says before leaning forward and latching his mouth onto my breast, suckling and licking my nipple. Swirling his tongue in delicious circles that spur tingles of arousal to course through my entire being.
My breaths are coming in short pleasure-induced bursts. “You have too many clothes,” I hoarsely moan into his ear. My hands grip his hair, urging him on. James stands up off of the bed and makes quick work of his clothes.
And then I finally see him.
Really see him.
Naked and beautiful.
So devastatingly beautiful in a masculine, please-come-fuck-me-now
sort of way.
“God, you’re beautiful,” James declares as he climbs back onto the bed, his body hovering over mine. “So fucking beautiful. I’m never going to forget this. You lying naked on your bed.” He runs his palm down my chest, resting gently on my stomach. “Your hair splayed out on your pillow.” His hand reaches my hair, running gently through the tangled strands. “You panting and moaning and flushed pink with desire.” His index finger lightly runs along my bottom lip. “Your arousal glistening between your thighs.”
I lean up on my elbows and watch his fingers smoothly crawl down my stomach before they reach the one spot I’m aching for him to be. His thumb starts to run smooth circles on my clit. My head falls back onto my pillow and my back immediately arches at the feel of his touch. His palm runs down my body. His fingers dance along my sternum, moving down past my chest and onto my abdomen, creating a burning path with each slow descent. His thumb continues to work me over.
“That feels so good,” I purr in approval.
James grins down at me as he kneels between my thighs, gently nudging them apart. His thumb is still touching my clit, sending shooting surges of pleasure through my core.
“You have to take me. Right. Now. Take me right now!” I’m moaning and begging and writhing around on my bed. My body pleads for him to fill me.
Take away the emptiness.
“Show me I deserve you,” I moan, I beg, I plead with a shaky breath.
James grasps his cock in his hand and slowly rubs the tip along my slick heat, my hips compulsorily jerking into his touch. He guides himself inside of me, just enough to make me crazy with need, with want, with absolute desperation.
“Ah, fuck.” My eyes close shut and I’m trembling in devastating desire. “Please. Please. I need you.” My voice is nearly a sob.
Kneeling between my legs, James slides his hands under my thighs, lifting up so that my feet are resting on his shoulders, edging his cock in an inch farther. “I’ve wanted this. Wanted you. I can’t believe this is happening. Thank god this is happening.” James thrusts inside of me in one deep, penetrating motion. His head falls back once he’s seated inside of me, stretching me, filling me to the hilt. “Amy.”
James’s chest is rising and falling in thick, heaving breaths. His eyes are open again, watching me, watching me feel him inside of me. Watching me tremble and shake. Clutching my upper thighs, he starts a rhythm that has my brain swimming with intensity, with desire, with undeniable euphoria. He’s relentless with each deep thrust, each swift penetration, bringing me closer to the edge each time. I’m so close. I’m so close to that vital moment where all rational thought is gone and the only thing left is a raging inferno fueling my desperation to feel each pleasurable wave.
The silence in the apartment amplifies our breathing. The sounds of James and me. We’re linked together in the most sensual way. This isn’t fucking or screwing or me trying to get my rocks off with some dumb schmuck I picked up at a bar. This is me opening myself up to James, letting him inside of me, letting him intimately know me. I’m allowing him inside a part of me that no one has ever seen. No one—except James. A small part of my brain, the part that thrives off control and protecting everyone from me, is beginning to panic. Panic that I’m losing control. Panic from my vulnerability and my willingness to allow this to occur.
Oh god, I can’t. I can’t do this.
My anxiety is immediately pushed out of my brain when James leans down and brushes his lips against mine. His tongue slips inside and intertwines with mine. He kisses me with reverence, with absolute burning need.
I moan into his mouth and tightly clutch his back, hanging on in desperation, not wanting him to stop. “Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.”
“Never,” James growls into my mouth. “I’m never going to stop.” His lips brush across my jawline to my neck, licking at the sensitive spot behind my ear. My walls tighten around him, clinging to his shaft. “Fuck, Amy you feel so good. Too good.” He pulls out and I whimper at the loss.
My eyes beg for him to slide back inside of me. My legs are now wrapped around his waist, urging him back where I’m frantic for him to be. James plunges in, pressed deeper than I ever thought was physically possible. He is so deliciously deep and I’m writhing in painful ecstasy. My body is nearing the brink. Intense waves creep down my spine and settle inside of my core. My hunger and wild desire are taking over. My body screams for my release. I scratch my nails down his back, urging him on, begging him to get me where I want to be, need to be.
“Harder! Harder!” My voice is thick with wantonness.
James’s large hands grab my waist and he gives in to my commands.
Deeper.
Harder.
His relentless rhythm pushes me over the edge and brings me to my release.
“Yes! James! Yes!” My voice resonates in the stillness of my bedroom. My chest heaves up and down as my orgasm washes over my body, practically plowing through me. I’m left panting and whimpering and trembling in pure euphoria. James continues driving to unfathomable depths with several hard penetrations and then stills above me. His lips are parted and his eyes are clenched tightly as he pours himself inside of me.
As I come down from my euphoric high, an icy blast of rationality becomes front and center in my brain. My body tenses underneath him.
“Sweetheart, don’t panic.” James lies down beside me and pulls me on top of his chest, clutching my waist and holding me tightly. “Don’t panic. I’m here. I’ve always been here. I’m right here because I love you.” His lips brush across my cheek, his face nuzzles into my neck.
My heart rate picks up speed at the sound of his words, at the realization of what he just said.
James tenderly runs his fingers through my hair and eases my head down to his shoulder, his chin resting on top. “Just close your eyes and enjoy this moment with me. You don’t need to say anything, just feel, baby. Just feel how much I need you, how much I want you, how much I care about you. You deserve this, Amy. You’re worth everything.”
My body feels drained emotionally and physically, and my eyelids flutter closed inside of his warm embrace.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“I’m finally going to face my demons.” - Amy
I wake up to the feel of warm sunlight on my face and warm hands splayed out across my abdomen. I turn my head slightly and see James’s face soft with sleep, his breaths smooth and even. He looks beautiful with this easy vulnerability fixed on his face. I glance at the clock that is sitting on my nightstand and see that it’s already three p.m. My brain fumbles through today’s events, trying to make sense of everything. The realization that I slept with James is starting to set in.
I can’t believe I slept with James.
The unsettling feeling of what happened washes over me. James didn’t just sleep with me. He didn’t just fuck me—he made love to me.
James made love to me.
“I love you.” My mind replays the words he said, the reverent, affectionate look on his face. The way he touched me and the way he felt inside of me. The emotions that rushed through me when I saw him hovering over me, giving himself to me.
Fuck.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why did I allow this to happen? I’m solely responsible for instigating our friendship past our normal boundaries of platonic. I urged him—no, I begged him, nearly demanded him—to do the things he did. I commanded him to take me, to give himself to me. And he did. He gave himself to me, and in return, I opened myself up to him in complete willingness, in complete and desperate need to be with him intimately. I was the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. My body feels icy cold and my mind screams for me to run. Run away. Run as fast as my feet can take me.
Avoid.
Avoid facing him. Avoid having to talk about what happened. Avoid everything, because I can’t face him until I get myself together. I quietly slide out from under his arm, using quiet, smooth movements to prevent him from waking. I qu
ickly start packing, tossing random articles of clothing into a duffle bag. I know what I need to do, where I need to go.
I need to go home—home to Louisville.
I glance at James sleeping on my bed one last time before heading out the door. His arm rests in the now empty spot where my body was and his face is still deep in sleep. My heart aches at the sight of him. Emotion clogs my throat, practically choking me. I feel terrible for walking out on him like this, but there is something I need to do, have to do.
Benny.
I have to see Benny for the first time in fourteen years. So that’s what I do. I leave a still sleeping James on my bed, grab my keys, and leave my apartment. I’ve prepared myself to take a road trip to Louisville, to see my parents, and to finally face something I’ve avoided for far too long. I get in my car and send Ellen and Lizzy a quick text message to let them both know I’m leaving town for a few days.
Me: I’m going home to Louisville for the weekend. I should be back by Sunday.
Don’t miss me too much.
I get an immediate phone call from Ellen.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I just need to do this. This morning, in the ER… It was just too much.”
“I know. I’m here for you, Amy. Do you want me to come with you? I can keep you company.”
“That’s a generous offer, but I need to do this on my own. Besides, you’ve got a baby at home. Lucy needs you more than I do right now.”
“Did you tell James you were leaving?”
“No.” My voice shakes slightly and my tone immediately sounds uneasy.
“Is there something you’re not telling me?” Her concern is apparent.
I take a breath and strive to hold my emotions back. “Y-yes, but I just can’t get into that right now. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Okay. Call me anytime, day or night. And, Amy?”
“What?”
“I love you, labia face.”
