by N. A. Alcorn
“Hi, Mrs. Jackson. I’m James Williams, a friend of Amy’s.” Hearing the word friend slip off of my tongue makes my chest ache. I don’t want to be just her friend anymore. I want to be more than that. I want to be everything.
“Oh James! It’s so nice to finally meet you! Amy has told me so much about you!” She puts out her arms out and yanks me in for an unexpected hug.
Amy talks to her mother about me?
Well, shit. Maybe this isn’t going to be as hard as I thought it would be. The fact that Amy has told her mom about me has my mouth turning up into a giant grin. Mrs. Jackson gently pulls away and her face is beaming in a motherly way. She is so warm and her positive personality is infectious. I wonder where in the hell Amy got her personality from…
“Linda! If that’s another god damn salesman trying to sell me encyclopedias, tell them I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d shove each and every one of those stupid books up their ass!” a deep male voice yells from inside of the house.
“It’s not a salesman. It’s one of Amy’s friends! Just mind your own business and set the table for lunch!” Mrs. Jackson shouts behind her shoulder. I hear faint grumbling from inside and cabinets opening and closing in what I’m assuming is the kitchen. Now it’s all making sense. Amy got her looks from her mother and her feisty, outspoken personality from her father.
“Please just ignore him. He’s a grumpy old man these days. I wish he would have never retired from the force.” She smiles sweetly at me and then rolls her eyes at the racket her husband is making from the kitchen. I guess she inherited the eye-rolling from her mother.
I laugh a little at her ability to handle Amy’s father with finesse. I should probably take notes from her, seeing as Amy is the spitting image of him. “Is Amy home?” I ask as I slide my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
“Actually, she just left for a little bit. She went to her brother Benny’s gravesite.”
Holy shit. Not only did I not know she had a brother, I didn’t know her brother had passed away. Now I’m starting to understand…everything.
The freak-out she had when she tried to take care of the young boy in the ER, the little boy who drowned early yesterday morning in his family’s pool. Before we found her in the bathroom, Ellen had disclosed that Amy had lost someone close to her when she was a teenager, that someone had drowned in a pool. And the look on her face when I found her in the stall… She was terrified and panicked and her face was full of unquestionable grief. That look, the grief and fear in her eyes, reminded me of all of the soldiers I’d seen in Iraq who suffered from PTSD. The horrible, gruesome things and traumatic events they’d had to witness during their tours caused them to have nightmarish flashbacks.
“Can you tell me where that is?” I ask hesitantly.
“I’m not sure if she wants anyone there, hun,” Amy’s mother responds with concerned eyes.
“I know she’s stubborn and probably decided to go there by herself, but I need to be there for her. Can you please tell me how to get there?” I’m begging. I need to go to her. I don’t want her to be alone right now. I want her to know that I’m here for her always, no matter what. I’m always her friend first and foremost. Even if she really doesn’t want to be with me, I will still always be there for her. I love her too fucking much.
She grins up at me. “You’re quite convincing when you want to be. I can see why Amy likes you so much.” Her brown eyes warm and soft, soothing my nerves. “The gravesite isn’t that far from here. Benny is buried at St. Richard’s Cemetery. If you head back out onto Eastern Parkway, go south, and St. John’s will be on your right about two miles up the road. Amy is driving her dad’s red pickup truck. You won’t be able to miss her. The cemetery isn’t very big.” She places her petite hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. “Take care of her, okay? I know my Amy can be a ball-buster, but she really does have a big heart.”
“I know she does. And she can bust my balls any time she wants. I can take it.” A smirk spreads across my face, and Mrs. Jackson smiles back at me in return.
Chapter Thirty-Three
“Avoiding isn’t an option anymore.” - Amy
The warmth of the sun washes over my face as sparkles of sunlight speckle my vision. I slowly walk past the gravestones that line the walkway towards the one place I haven’t been in far too long. I just haven’t had the strength, the ability to do this, but I know it’s something I need to do. Benny deserves at least this much from me.
Benny. Sweet, kind, rambunctious Benny. I miss him so much; my heart aches and threatens to jump from chest whenever I think about him.
I can’t believe it’s been fourteen years since I saw him last.
Saw his toothless smile, his soft brown eyes. Heard his contagious laughter fill my ears. It feels like it was just yesterday that I saw him bounding down the stairs with his superhero cape, pretending he was Batman.
Tears fill my eyes and I take a deep, shuddering breath when I reach his gravesite.
Benjamin Thomas Jackson
April 5th 1991- June 1st 2001
Precious son and brother
Heaven finally got a superhero
Heaven really did get a superhero. A small smile grabs my lips, turning the corners up, encouraging me to remember my sweet little brother. Remember the good times I shared with him, the days of our childhood that we spent together. The memories of enjoying holidays with our family, frequent movie nights, and playing outside swirl around in my head. It feels good to think about him. I’m comforted by these memories.
“I can’t believe it’s been fourteen years, Benny. I miss you so much and I find myself thinking about what you’d be doing right now if you were still alive. Probably sweeping some lucky girl off of her feet.” I kneel down and place my palm against the cool marble surface. My fingertips slowly run across the inscription.
“Dad misses you. He talks about you often, little brother. Mom misses you too. Even fourteen years later, things just aren’t the same without you. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, but at least I’m here. Just because I didn’t visit doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you. I’m always thinking about you. Wishing I could go back in time and change everything, change what happened to you. Change my selfishness and save you.” Tears spill down my face, and it feels like a weight has been lifted, the constant ache in my chest slowly starting to disappear
My lashes sweep down as I close my eyes and lie down next to his grave. My hand rests softly on his gravestone. The heat of the sun beats down on my skin, wrapping me up and keeping me warm. My breathing slows and my muscles relax as I enjoy the peace and quiet. This moment that’s just Benny and me.
A moment that has been a long time coming.
Chapter Thirty-Four
“Can I get an Oorah?!” - James
I spot the red pickup truck parked on the side of the cemetery road and spot her instantly. She’s lying down next to her brother’s grave. I ache for her. My entire body is desperate to rush over to Amy, wrap her up in my arms, and take away her pain. I cut the engine to my Harley and make my way towards her brother’s grave, my boots crunching the gravel with each step. My shadow hovers over her face, and she’s absolutely beautiful in the sunlight. Her brunette hair is splayed out in the grass, her petite hand resting on her brother’s gravestone. Amy’s eyelids flutter open and her gaze locks with mine.
I’m looking down at her, watching her. My emotions are intense with only love and affection for this woman. My woman. My Amy. She sits up slowly, her hands fidgeting with her yellow sundress. She nervously clears her throat and looks down at the grass, pulling tiny blades out with her small fingers.
“What are you doing here?”
“I just thought I’d stop by and see you.” I smile softly at her, my eyes squint from the illumination of the sun.
“Stop by? Louisville isn’t exactly right up the street from Charlotte.” Her chin lifts a little as she watches me inquisitively, curiosity and p
uzzlement noticeable on her face.
“I’d drive anywhere, go anywhere, and do anything for you, Amy. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” I peer down at my black boots, sliding my toe through the freshly cut grass, holding back from giving in to the overwhelming urge to lift her into my arms.
After a few moments of silence, her petite form stands up and her fingers lightly brush her dress off. Her attention goes back towards her little brother’s grave.
I stand beside her, smiling down as I read the inscription. “So this is Benny?”
“Benny, this is James. James, this is my little brother, Benny.” She glances over at me, her lips threatening to turn up at the corners.
God, she’s beautiful.
“Nice to meet you, Benny. Has your sister always been this stubborn?” I laugh a little as I steal another glimpse of her, preparing for her kneejerk reaction in regards to my comment about her never-ending obstinacy.
“Hey! Stop being an asshole.” She smiles at me—a full-on actual smile—and my heart fills with more love for her. More love than I ever knew was possible. I need to touch her, feel her next to me. I wrap my arm around her shoulder, tucking her against me, and lightly kiss her forehead. I allow my lips to linger, savoring the feel of her skin.
As I exhale a held breath, I whisper against her forehead, “I missed your laugh, your smile, and your ability to always call me an asshole without batting an eye. You know what I missed the most?” I reluctantly pull my lips away from Amy to find her beholding me with a thousand questions in her big, brown eyes. “You. I missed you, Amy.”
“You just saw me yesterday, James.”
“Sweetheart, it only takes a second without your presence and I miss you.” I kiss her forehead gently again. “I had to come see if you were okay and let your obstinate little ass know that you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here for you always.”
“Okay,” she quietly whispers.
A few moments of quietness pass between us. Then she takes a heavy breath, clearing her throat, visibly preparing herself for something.
“I feel like it was just yesterday. I was the only one home that day with my little brother. I was fifteen, and it was just a few months past Benny’s tenth birthday. I remember him saying “I’m gonna swim my laps, Am,” and then walking out of the sliding glass patio doors with a smile on his beautiful face. A red towel hung over his shoulders and his brown eyes shone with excitement. His chestnut hair hung partially over his eyes. My mother had been pestering him earlier that day about getting a haircut.” Amy pauses for a few beats.
I use that time to pull her into my embrace, her back against my chest. I wrap my arms around her waist, resting my chin on her shoulder. I’m silently praying that she continues to open up to me, to finally let me in, to finally let me know all of her.
She relaxes into my arms. “I didn’t know that the moment he walked out of those sliding glass doors would be the last time I would see him alive. I didn’t get to say I love you or goodbye. I didn’t get to say anything because I didn’t know. I didn’t know that was going to be our last moment together. If I could turn back time, I’d do that entire day differently. I wouldn’t have invited my boyfriend Sam over. I would have talked Benny into skipping the pool and hanging out with me. I would have taken him for ice cream or went to a movie or walked to the park—anything else but what I did. I would have done anything to save him.” She sighs heavily and a few small tears make their descent down her cheeks. I swipe them away with my thumb.
“When Benny swam his laps, he was usually in the pool for about thirty minutes. I remember the panic setting in when I realized an hour had passed. I had been so busy spending time with my boyfriend that I hadn’t even thought about checking on my brother. He was always such a good swimmer. A lot of people considered him one of the best in the city for his age group. I should have known. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. But I was. I got lost in the moment, and when I glanced at the clock and realized an abnormal amount of time had passed, I had a bad feeling.” Amy’s chest rises and falls with shaky breaths.
I grab her hand and rub my thumb over her palm in soothing circles. I don’t interrupt her; I give her time to find the right words.
“I extricated myself from Sam’s lap and headed out of the sliding glass doors to check on Benny. And then…my entire world fell apart in a mere instant. I’ll never forget seeing his lifeless body face down in the water. I screamed the moment I saw him. I ran to my brother. I ran to him as fast as I could and jumped in the pool. I was still dressed in my clothes, still wearing shoes. When I pulled him into my arms, I saw the blood seeping out of a large gash on his forehead. He was lifeless. His lips were blue and his body was cold. Too fucking cold. The water in the pool was stained from his blood. It was enclosing us, surrounding me with the devastation of what occurred. I held him close to my chest and I knew. I just knew that he was gone.” Amy turns around and wraps her arms around my neck.
I hold her tight and whisper words I hope will comfort her, reassure her, in her ear. I let her know that it wasn’t her fault. I tell her that she did nothing wrong. I tell her I’m sorry that she lost her brother. I tell her all of the things she deserves to hear. I just hope she takes the time to listen to them, to let them sink in, to actually believe them. I’m just so thankful that she opened up to me. I’m thankful that she felt comfortable enough in my presence to tell me everything.
“Thank you,” she says quietly. “Thank you for being here, James.”
I nod my head and watch her pull away from me. I give her space, allowing her to work through her emotions. Silence descends over both us; it’s not awkward or uncomfortable, just peaceful. I appreciate the quiet with her in this moment. I enjoy the stillness of this warm, summer day that is only interrupted by an occasional light breeze swirling throughout the air.
I know her mind is starting to run through a million questions and twice as many possible answers. She’s biting down on her lip and sliding the toe of her flip-flop through the grass. This is what Amy does when she’s deep in thought. She has these adorable nervous habits that she only seems to perform when her brain is otherwise occupied.
“You ready to go?” I softly rub her back, and she gives a small nod.
“Bye, Benny. I love you, little brother.”
We start to walk towards my bike and her dad’s truck; I grab her hand, gently intertwining our fingers as we slowly make our way across the cemetery.
“Will you take a ride with me?” I grab the extra bike helmet I brought for her from the back of my Harley.
“I’m sorry, James. I can’t… I just can’t.” She abruptly pulls her hand from mine and steps back, turning her head to the side, trying her best to avoid looking at me.
“So we’re back at this again?” I’m attempting to prepare myself for the things she’s going to say, the things she thinks will get me to walk away and move on. Not happening.
“This is where we should have always been.” Her brown eyes look devastatingly sad when those words pass her lips.
I set the bike helmet down and drag my hands through my hair, taking a long, deep breath. My frustration is starting to get the best of me and I’m doing my best to squelch it down, to stay calm and rational, because that’s what Amy needs right now. She needs calm and rational, not a raging asshole who can’t seem to find the patience to give her time to work through things.
“I disagree. This isn’t where we should be. We shouldn’t be anywhere close to here. You belong with me. Do you understand that?” I let out a profound sigh before finally laying everything out on the line. “You can’t push me away, Amy. I’m yours, baby. I’m yours and there’s nothing you can do about it. The only question that really needs to be answered is when are you going to be mine? When are you finally going to let your guard all the way down and let me in? Let me in, baby. Just fucking let me in.”
After an eternity, her chin lifts and she’s finally looking up at me. Her eyes glist
en and a rogue tear slowly makes its descent down her cheek. I step closer to her, our faces mere inches away from each other. Placing my hands on her soft cheeks, I swipe the errant tear away with my thumb. I rest my forehead against hers, and my breath is close to shuddering from the emotion that’s flowing between us.
“Just let me in, baby,” I whisper against her lips. “Just let me in. Because, Amy, I love you. I fucking love you.”
She closes her eyes tightly and her chest rises as she inhales a cavernous breath. I can no longer fight the urge to kiss her soft lips, to wrap her up in my arms, so that’s what I do. I bring my lips to hers—softly, lightly, reverently. Her lips move with mine and the relief I feel that she’s not pulling away has me kissing her deeper. My tongue slips inside of her soft mouth. Our tongues touch, entwine, and dance together. She wraps her arms around my neck and presses her body against mine.
Yes. Please, sweetheart, don’t fight this.
“I love you,” I pull away and hoarsely say into her ear. “I love you.” I start to kiss along her jawline, down her neck, pressing my face against her skin. “I love you.” I wrap my arms around her waist, holding on for dear life.
“I love you, too,” I think I hear her say.
My eyebrows rise as my eyes blink in disbelief; I jerk my face away from her neck, securing my eyes with hers. “What?”
A small smile spreads across her lips as tears begin to stream down her cheeks. “I said I love you. Do you need your fucking hearing checked?”
Her stubborn, feisty attitude is obviously still intact.
“Just say it one more time.” My eyes are filled with relief, and I’m ignoring the urge to jump up and down like a fool.
