* * * Xuân * * *
Izzzzzzz the shizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzznit! I wish I had some cantaloupe. And are these my shoes? I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!
January 13
Xuân showed me how she fixed up the still, and even how she and Mike had concocted the moonshine. I may not approve of the appropriation of my yeast stores, but they seem to have a knack for brewing interesting drinks (and explosions). I told them that if they don’t find work as brewmasters, they could always become demolitions experts when this is all over.
Later today, Dan took me around to discuss plans for expansion. He has some good ideas and had some rough drawings and measurements of a pretty log cabin that we could build within our fences. We wouldn’t even have to move the trailers to do it and could live where we are until it is finished. I think we may just try this out in the spring. I know that the spring here is not going to be anything like it is in Toronto, but we would at least have more daylight, and it will be marginally warmer than it is now.
David and I went walking to hunt for some more birds for food. I came across a nest with a small collection of eggs. I would love a proper omelette at this point. I am getting a little tired of eating the same foods all the time. While we were walking, we came across a zombie completely frozen to the ground. It appeared one of his arms had broken off in the cold Its eyes were wide and staring. It seemed as if it had fallen, and its fluids had stuck it to the ground on which it laid; it then couldn’t get away and the tundra’s temperatures had all but petrified it. I took my knife and cracked its head open so it wouldn’t come after us if it thawed, but I didn’t move it. It was too frozen to lift, and even if it wasn’t, we didn’t want to carry it all the way back to the compound to torch it. I shudder, thinking about it still. I wonder if its unblinking eyes saw my machete as it made contact.
* * * Xuân * * *
My head hurts. Damn, what I wouldn’t kill for a big greasy diner breakfast. Or for everyone to stop breathing so fucking loudly.
January 15
I finished my quilt! I am ridiculously proud of the fact that I actually made something useful with my own two hands that people are actually using. I gave it to the triplets today and Samantha declared it “pretty,” while the boys took turns wearing it like a cape. Xuân and Olivia helped me stuff it with feathers, and then I put a diamond stitching pattern in it so the feathers won’t all fall to one side, or corner, whenever you try to use it. The kids want to sleep with it on their bed, and I am so happy that they like it.
Dan held a meeting to discuss our plans for our new home; I think we will actually go ahead with it. So far, we are looking at a bungalow plan with five bedrooms and a large common area. We have chosen the boys’ monstrous SUV to take the windows out of so that each room will have an outside view. When the basic construction of the house is done, we will choose one trailer at a time and take it apart for plumbing and power needs. Dan is convinced he can jerry-rig an oven into a decent sized wood-burning stove/furnace, and the other can remain for cooking our food. Together, we can build more furniture and create cushions for comfort. All in all, this is exciting. It has been so long since we’ve had real plans for a future and something to be excited for! I love it!
If these plans actually work, Sebastian and Crypto will have real space to run around indoors, the kids will have room to grow, and we will have real privacy again. The first thing we’re going to do is build a pen for the gorals around their shed, not because they really need one, but building it will give us an idea of how good our tools and skills are and how best to work with the wood out here. If this works, we will probably move forward. Yay!
* * * Xuân * * *
Alexis and Dan came up with the idea of expanding our living space and actually making it a compound, with a log house and a garage, instead of a trailer park. That’s good. I think of ways to kill, and she thinks of ways to keep us civilized.
I wonder if we can rig giant logs to swing out and smash trespassers. I wanted spikes in my pits, but the guys argued that maybe people who legitimately need help might injure themselves. Hey, I wasn’t going to hide the fucking pits. If you walk into one and you’re not a zombie, then that’s your problem. Besides, when the weather gets warmer, there will be more bandits.
No, I can’t do giant swinging logs. Not enough rope.
I would love some turkey. With gravy. And stuffing. And potatoes. And a gravy volcano.
January 17
There are some concerns around here right now. We had some difficulty starting our vehicles to go and find wood to use for our pen. I think we may have to try and build a garage sooner rather than later. These cars were not made for this environment, and they have been left out in the elements this whole time. We have tried our best to keep them running and free of snow, but with the storm we had, and life just getting in the way, it’s been easier said than done. Quite frankly, we’ve been a bit neglectful. If we ever had to flee, we’d have no way to do that if our cars don’t work. And our supply of gas is now so low.
We think we have them working now, and we went and got some logs for our projects. The kids think it’s all good fun. They spent some time watching us and handing us tools, thinking they were being great little helpers. However, we are not as handy as we like to say we are. We banged several body parts with the hammers, and I cut through my glove at one point. Yet, in spite all of this, we made some progress. We got three sides of the pen for the gorals completed, and all we need to do is attach the remaining pieces to the shed.
The whole logic behind this project is safety. Sure, the area in our compound is fenced, but Dan suggests that if a wolf was able to get in that one time, it could theoretically happen again, or our animals could get out. I will not deny that he has a point.
Our pen is not the most aesthetically appealing, but it is sturdy and will do its job. We did good work today. I’m proud of us. We celebrated with some moonshine and music tonight. Mike was actually able to do a bit of work today, and this also helped to improve his spirits a lot. Next is a shelter for our cars. I don’t think it will be a full garage, but a roof with a couple of walls would be very helpful. We have some plans drawn up for this, and I think that putting up real walls will be just the practice we need before we try to build ourselves a home. We don’t plan to build all four walls. Putting up tarps to block wind and snow should be sufficient in lieu of a fourth wall. This we believe is achievable.
The one thing I realize is that this step we’re taking is a step towards true permanence. We are accepting that this is our home, probably forever. You don’t build a house in a spot you’re going to live in for a few weeks or months. I am dedicated and resigned to making this work for us all.
January 18
Everyone else was hard at work on our garage today. I stayed in with the triplets. All three of them woke up with colds, and they were completely miserable all day. They refused to nap, pulled everything off every shelf, emptied every drawer, and pulled all the chairs over onto the ground. It was a day filled with tears, screaming, and snot. I was run completely ragged. I don’t blame anyone one bit for wanting to stay as far away from our trailer as possible. I just wish it didn’t leave me an exhausted, crabby mess.
I swear the children coordinated every attack on our home together behind my back. It seemed that each time I ran after one child to pick up a mess, a different one made a bigger, worse mess on the other side of the room. Ethan spent a good chunk of the morning alternating between crying and banging my pots together, while Benjamin wanted to do nothing but toss my books around. Poor Samantha was wailing all day while trying to move all the furniture around. I don’t know what she was trying to accomplish with this, but she seemed so aimless and miserable. They didn’t want hugs, or drinks, or anything I could come up with to help them.
Meanwhile, outside I could see everyone was building the walls. They had taken several logs and had notched them so they all fit together like giant Lincoln Logs. They had man
aged to build it to about five feet tall before dinner and seemed very proud of themselves. It looks fantastic. I wish I could take a break and join them in their work, but my kids need me today.
Tomorrow, the plan is to finish the walls and start on the roof. Our designs have the garage with a pitched roof so the snow slides off, rather than gathering and adding a lot of weight. If we can pull this off, the cabin will have the same design.
January 19
Today, David had kid duty while I took on building. It was definitely harder than it looked, but we managed to complete the walls. While building, we had a minor zombie incident as one approached our fence, but it was swiftly eliminated, and we continued with our work.
With the three walls done, we started work on the roof. We aren’t building the door as per our previous plans, but we will tie a tarp across the front of the garage to keep blowing snow from getting in and onto the cars. Hopefully, this whole thing will keep everything warmer, safer, and in good working order.
We celebrated our good work with hot cocoa that we have been saving for a special occasion, and some spray can whipped cream. It was a nice enjoyable treat that the kids were actually able to partake in.
David says that they were doing a lot better today, and they actually took some much-needed naps after he gave them a bath and got them to eat their meals. I’m glad he had an easier time with them than I had had the day before.
January 21
The garage is complete and the cars are safely stowed inside. It is not the fanciest structure, but it is sturdy and neat looking. Before we put the cars in it, we all stood beneath its roof and took in the fruits of our labours. The walls seemed to keep most of the wind out, and no snow landed on our heads, as the roof did its job keeping us dry. Not bad for a first attempt at building, if I do say so myself.
The triplets were allowed out to look at what we had accomplished. They are still getting over their colds, and I am feeling a tad overprotective of them. I still remember the fear I felt when Ethan had taken ill last year. They wandered around the garage and thought that it was pretty cool that we had built a “fort” for our cars. Mike thought that was awesome and proclaimed our garage to be “Fort Auto.” Dan said he’d get right on making a sign to hang from the roof with our new building’s name on it.
That evening over dinner, we discussed what we’d learned from the garage project, and how we could do better when it came to building our house. We definitely need to find a way to block the wind from blowing through the cracks in the logs. Other than that, our construction seems sound, and I believe we can do this. I am genuinely excited! We don’t need much by way of electricity, just the fireplaces for heating, and an oven. We ditched the plan to have the entire place heated by one wood-burning stove; however, I suggested that it would be nice to have a proper wood-burning fireplace in the main living area. If we’re going through all this trouble to build a real house, why not add a chimney and have a central area like in the family rooms back home? Xuân and Olivia agreed with me, and I think we’re going to do it. This is going to be great! We just need to finalize our measurements and decide where in the compound the house will go. We have two acres to look at, and we want the flattest, most even ground possible. We’re not going to regrade the land. That would be silly.
January 22
We are in the middle of another cold snap. Now, more than ever, I am glad that we built our garage to protect our vehicles. The one good thing about the temperature outside is that the zombie threat is entirely nonexistent. It was never that high before, thanks to where we are, but now, they would all be like that one David and I found frozen solid.
Today, Xuân and I went out, in spite of the temperature. We were running severely low on protein, and it was either go hunting or eat the gorals. The children would kill us if they ever found out we murdered and ate Boba or Dog. Doogoo we would leave alive, as we still need her milk.
As Xuân and I went walking, we came across a car. I recognized it immediately as the car Dan and Mike’s friends had been driving the day we first met them at the gate to our compound. Xuân and I exchanged worried looks with each other as we approached. The windows were completely frosted over, and the car was ice cold to the touch. I rapped on the window with the handle of my knife and got no response. I could see the dark shape of a man sitting in the front seat, and I knocked harder. Xuân gently pushed me aside, and then used the butt of her hunting rifle to shatter the glass. I will never forget the sight. Both men had frozen to death. Their faces were pale and they had a slightly starved look to them. It was as if they had just stopped driving, turned the engine off, fallen asleep, and let the cold take them.
The two of us rooted through their belongings and found a little food, but it was frozen and looked rotten. Their weapons were out of bullets, and they had no knives. I wondered what they could have been thinking as they drove away from Dan and Mike. Where did they think they were going, so ill-prepared?
When Xuân and I returned with our prey, we pulled the boys aside and told them what we had found, and where. Both Dan and Mike were visibly upset by the news.
“I told Steve and Bruce that they were complete idiots for going off without us,” Mike said.
“They should have stayed,” Dan said.
I stood there watching them, not knowing what to say. The truth of the matter is that I feel guilty about the whole thing. If I’d invited them to stay with us at the beginning, when we’d first met them, they would all probably be alive right now. Tomorrow we go back for the bodies to give them a proper send-off. It’s only the right thing to do.
* * * Xuân * * *
Today…today was not a good day.
January 23
In spite of our efforts to protect them from what we had seen, Dan and Mike insisted on going with David, Xuân, and Olivia, to get their friends’ bodies. I stayed behind with the children and waited for them to return. It felt like the longest five hours of my life.
When they finally came back, they carried two tarp-covered bodies into the compound and laid them down on the ground. David ran to me and took me in his arms.
“They were frozen to their seats,” he said to me. “Prying them out was nearly impossible. I don’t think they’re taking it too well. They want to hold a funeral. They don’t want to just toss them into a fire like zombies.”
I agreed with him about this. The rest of the day, we built a pyre for the two men. After dinner, we went out and laid them on the piles of wood. Mike insisted on using moonshine as the accelerant. He said that his friends would think it appropriate. As we lit the fires, Dan spoke about them.
“Steve and Bruce had been friends of ours since grade school. We were a bunch of little shit-disturbers, always getting into one kind of trouble or another. We went into high school together and this continued, but we were best friends. We all started dating at the same time. Our girlfriends were friends. We went to university together—were roommates. When all this went down, we knew we would still have each other’s backs. We ran off together. I find it ironic that it was us splitting up that got you guys killed. I’ll miss you. I should have fought you harder to make you stay. I’m sorry.”
Mike teared up during Dan’s speech but didn’t try to add anything of his own. He seems like he prefers to keep his feelings bottled up. I don’t necessarily think that’s the healthiest option, but I can’t judge. I fluctuate between mourning those I know I’ve lost and being in complete denial about losing them. I stood watching the flames destroy what was left of Steve and Bruce, and I cried. I wasn’t crying for them—I was crying for Loren, for my parents, for Marilyn, for David’s parents, for my sister Jodi, and for David’s sister, Jenn. More and more names kept streaming through my mind. I know they can’t all be alive, but I can’t help feeling they can’t all be dead either. It doesn’t seem right for there to be no one left.
After the burning of the bodies, we held an impromptu wake. We drank and sang various classic rock son
gs that Dan and Mike said were their friends’ favourites. We toasted to the memory of two men we’d met only once, and hadn’t even spoken to. Dan and Mike left with Xuân and Olivia to go to bed late at night. They seemed content with the send-off we’d given Steve and Bruce. It was a lot more than most of the people we cared about had got, or ever will get.
* * * Xuân * * *
We found the bodies of Mike and Dan’s friends. I think they froze to death. Getting them out of the car was…not easy. Their limbs had to be broken because we couldn’t get them out of the car intact.
They had been the ones who Mike had watched make moonshine, so we used some of Hank Scorpio to light their funeral pyres. Mike said they were fanatic Simpsons fans and would have appreciated it.
When he and Dan lit the pyre, only I saw him choke.
I don’t know how to help. We don’t talk that much about the past or emotions, really. We try to live in the here and now, try not to get real feelings involved…we don’t know what will happen tomorrow.
He woke up in the night, almost screaming, coming out more as a gasp. I held him and said nothing. He said nothing either, but I felt him shaking. I hope it’s what he needs.
I don’t know what to say or do. He sits on our bed, staring into space. I think it’s some kind of shock. I just hold his hand. I don’t know what else to do.
January 25
The Bath Salts Journals: Volume One Page 9
