A Mother's Heart (Sweet Hearts of Sweet Creek Book 6)

by Carolyne Aarsen

  “I would still like a dad,” Emma said, pulling her hands away from Claire and folding them over her stomach. “And I will keep praying for one.”

  That Claire couldn’t do anything about, and while a small part of her sometimes thought the same, she knew from experience that she and Emma were better off on their own.

  Nik got up from the couch, restless, not sure what to make of what had just happened. Trying to sort Emma’s comments from his kiss. Trying to put it all in its proper place.

  He had some breathing space to think about it now that Emma and Claire were gone.

  Thinking of his breakdown in front of Claire made him squirm. How had he let that happen?

  He pulled in a deep breath, old emotions battling with new. A memory of himself sitting in his room upstairs, arms wrapped around his knees, jaw clenched in a combination of fear and fury. Promising himself he would never cry again.

  All it had taken was one beautiful woman and a heavy dose of tangible sympathy and his promise faded like frost in the sun.

  Even now, after the storm of sorrow and the joy of kissing Claire, anger prowled at the edges of his consciousness like a dark, malevolent beast, waiting to pounce and dig its claws in him. He tried to shake it off. Tried to relive that glorious moment, holding Claire in his arms, feeling as if his world had found a calm and quiet center.

  And now that woman was upstairs putting her child to bed in a house that haunted him.

  He swallowed again, clenching and unclenching his fists as he looked around the living room. The boxes piled in one corner, the worn furniture, the soft lighting created a different atmosphere than the dank darkness he had always associated with this place. Even hearing Claire’s soft murmuring from upstairs as she put Emma to bed seemed to ease his bleak thoughts.

  He knew he should go, but he wanted to wait until Claire came down the stairs, so he could say a proper goodbye.

  And kiss her again?

  He squeezed his eyes closed, still not sure where to put everything. How to sort it all out. He was getting involved with a woman who had the potential to throw his world upside down. To make him change his plans.

  And why not?

  The three words swirled through all the other words and emotions, shifting and rearranging them.

  He shook his head. He had a plan and if there was one thing life had taught him it was to stick to your plans. Don’t let other people determine your life’s path. This had happened to him too many times.

  Finally, he heard a door close and footsteps down the hall. As soon as Claire came down the stairs her eyes met his and the relief on her face was evident. As if she were wondering whether he would leave while she was gone.

  “I thought I would stick around and say goodbye,” Nik said, slipping his hands in the back pockets of his jeans, not sure he trusted himself to get too close to Claire.

  “I’m sorry about Emma and her comments. She’s been out of sorts lately.”

  “Understandable. Your life has been tossed topsy-turvy the past few days.” As his had in the past few hours.

  Claire slipped her fingers through her hair.

  Nik took a breath. “I want to say I’m sorry—”

  “Emma was just being—”

  They spoke at the same time and when he saw the hurt retreat in her eyes, in how she wrapped her arms around her midsection. She must think he was apologizing for kissing her when he wanted to apologize for breaking down in her arms.

  But as his senses overtook his emotions, he realized this might be a good thing. He needed to back off, create some space.

  “Thanks again for fixing the smoke detector,” she said, her eyes fixed on her hands.

  For a moment he wanted to cross the room. To explain.

  However, maybe it was better this way.

  Yet, as he left, closing the door behind him, walking toward his darkened, empty trailer, he couldn’t seem to convince himself that he should have said something.

  Chapter 8

  “No, Chance. I haven’t changed my mind about the house.” Nik said, fiddling with the volume of the Bluetooth, fighting his second thoughts.

  Chance had first called when he was signing a contract with a track hoe operator whom he’d hired to tear-down the house after his other operator had bailed on him. Nik had ignored the call, but when he got into the truck and started driving and Chance called again, he connected the call through his truck’s wireless connection. He was just driving, anyway. May as well talk.

  “Just thought I’d check. You seemed a little uncertain last time we chatted.”

  “Chatted? Seriously? You been watching girly movies again?” Nik chose to deflect rather than let his friend find even the smallest crack in his defenses. Chance was relentless in his desire to see Nik settle down.

  “You could do with a few more chick flicks in your life. Help you get in touch with your softer side.”

  “What can I do for you, buddy?” Nik said, getting to the point.

  “Don’t tear down the house.”

  Relentless.

  “Well, I just spent all day yesterday and this morning lining up trucks and track hoes after my other contractor bailed on me, so that would be a no.”

  “Bailed on you? When did that happen?”

  “Thursday night.” After he had kissed Claire and then fought with regrets and concerns. “And this guy won’t be able to start for at least three weeks.”

  “That’s interesting. Did you ever get the feeling that these delays are happening for a reason?”

  “God intervening in my life?” Nik couldn’t keep the sardonic tone from his voice.

  “Why not?”

  “Because He never did before.”

  Chance was quiet a moment. “He brought you into Mrs. Huizinga’s place. He gave you a healthy body and the ability to make a living. A good living, I might add.”

  Nik had to concede that point.

  “And He brought you back together with your mother and sister.”

  “A mother who gave me up, but not her daughter.”

  Another moment of quiet followed his outburst. Nik slowed down, making the long turn onto the road leading to Sweet Creek.

  “Sounds to me, from what you’ve told me, that she was in a tight spot. I’m sure she didn’t do it because she didn’t love you. I’m sure she did it because she did.”

  Chance’s reasonable words slipped in behind the anger that Nik had held onto for so long, nudging at it. His anger had defined his relationship with his mother. But every time he saw his mother face-to-face, that anger was harder to hold on to.

  "I have to think of a quote from Psalms,” Chance said. “‘Can a mother forget the child of her womb?’ Or something like that. The fact that your mother held on to Cory and did what she could to keep her, shows that she probably regrets what she did with you. And if she had even had a chance, she would've kept you too."

  Nik held that thought for a moment, letting it settle as he eased out another sigh.

  “She was happy to see you, wasn’t she?”

  “Not the first time.”

  “Guilt is a hard thing to bear,” Chance said. "But they went looking for you, so I'm thinking she's been struggling with guilt and regret this whole time. That can't be easy for her."

  His comments gave Nik more to mull over.

  "I don't think you need to make this complicated,” Chance continued. “Allow yourself to see her as a broken human being who did the best she could. I know, deep down, you care about her, otherwise you wouldn’t feel so strongly about your perception of her giving you up for adoption.”

  “See, this is why I keep you as my friend," Nik said. “You put things into perspective."

  “Speaking of perspective, how are things with you and Claire?"

  "I don't see how the two are connected," Nik said.

  Though having the other contractor quit on him was a royal pain, he was thankful for the busyness it created. Rustling up a new contractor had kep
t him away from Claire and her precocious daughter the past couple of days. The kiss he had shared with Claire haunted him every waking minute.

  He swallowed again, reliving that moment, that feeling of utter rightness he had never felt with anybody else.

  “Not connected at all,” Chance said. “But I couldn't find a smoother way to segue from one into the other."

  “The only thing I'll say is that it's complicated."

  “This is a conversation, not an update on your Facebook status.”

  “She has a kid," Nik said. “So that makes it complicated. I can't just waltz in and out of her life. It's not fair to Emma."

  “Then don't waltz out,” Chance said. “Stick around.”

  Nik tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, reason fighting with the lonely and yearning part of him that wanted to see Claire again. Wanted to spend time with her.

  "I wish it were that easy," Nik said.

  “Don't over analyze this," Chance said. “Sometimes it’s okay to decide with your heart, not your head.”

  “Thanks for the tip,” Nik said. "I'll take it under advisement."

  “And while you're doing that, once again, I'll be praying for you."

  “I do appreciate that," Nik finally said. "One of these days, I should do that for myself."

  “No time like the present," Chance said with a chuckle.

  Nik was about to answer with some smart remark to lighten the mood, when a number flashed on the console of the truck showing another call coming in. Cory.

  “Sorry, Chance. I have to take another call.”

  “Popular guy this morning,” Chance said. “Take care and, like I said, don’t think about this too much. Be responsible but allow yourself some happiness.”

  “That’s a contradiction if ever I heard one. But I’ll try.” He hit a button on his steering wheel to disconnect the call and connect with his sister.

  “Hey Cory, how are you?” he said.

  “Good. Catch you at a good time?”

  “Just driving. Had to do a bunch of running around.”

  “For the house?” Her hopeful tone made him feel guilty. The last time they spoke, she had offered to help him paint. He had smiled and thanked her, unable to tell her the truth about his long-term plans.

  “Yeah,” was all he said, again being intentionally vague.

  “It was good to see you at baseball practice the other day,” she said, the warmth in her voice coming through the phone. “It made me feel so good to have actual family around. Hasn’t happened before.”

  “I know what that feels like,” he said. “So yeah, it was fun for me, too.”

  “I feel like I’m constantly invading your life.”

  “That’s okay. You’re my sister.” He smiled as he spoke those words. “I’ve never had a sister before.”

  “But you had a foster sister?”

  “Not really.” He couldn't go back there so soon. Not after practically crying in Claire’s arms. The memory brought a mixture of shame that he had been so weak, yet it also produced a feeling of peace. Of coming home.

  The irony of this happening in the place he least considered home wasn’t lost on him.

  “We can delve into that later,” Cory said. “I wanted to see if you are busy this afternoon. I know I should have called sooner, but my brain hasn’t been functioning well the past few days.”

  “Too much wedding planning?”

  “Something like that. Anyhow, Matthew, Mom and I are going to the church picnic and we’d love it if you could come. It starts at 5:00 and will be at the main park just off Main Street, across from City Hall. But if you want supper, bring your wallet. There’s a basket auction.”

  “Are you making one?”

  “Well, yeah,” she spoke as if this were a foregone conclusion.

  “Let me guess, you want me to come so I bid on yours in case Matthew doesn’t,” he teased.

  “That might be a consideration. I should warn Matthew he might have a contender.” She chuckled, and the sound warmed another lonely part of Nik’s soul. Their easy give and take surprised him. They barely knew each other and yet she was comfortable to be around. Biology truly created a connection which was difficult to explain. “Anyhow, it’s just a casual event. Might be a good time for you to re-connect with Mom. I know the last visit was kinda tense.”

  “It was hard to find out that Mom kept you and gave me up.” His words sounded harsh, but he couldn’t stop the truth.

  Another beat of silence followed his admission.

  “She told you the reasons.”

  “Which explains what happened to her but didn’t help me much.” He pressed his lips together as he fought other emotions. He'd never had a hard time keeping them under control before. But since he met his mother and Cory and since Claire, it was getting harder.

  “I’m sure it didn’t,” she said, her voice quietly understanding. “And I wish we could change that.”

  “It’s done,” he said. Abandonment was something he’d been dealing with for many years. Rebecca took him for counselling, which helped him identify the issue. He thought by doing that he’d put it behind him, but his reaction to his mother’s story made him realize what a joke that was.

  Allow yourself to think of her as a broken human being.

  Chance’s words returned, creating a flurry of other emotions.

  “We would like to see you again,” Cory continued. “Please consider coming. If not for Mom, then for me. You don’t have to spend the whole time with us. Even just a few moments would be nice.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  Apparently, she wasn’t the only one hoping he would show up. He had to smile as he thought of Emma’s blatant appeal for him to attend.

  “Okay. That’s all I can ask for. We have to leave, so maybe we’ll see you there.”

  He said goodbye as the truck swooped down the hill and over the river into town. He turned off and drove down Main Street, slowing as he passed the two and three-story brick buildings with their moldings and fancy windows. Wrought iron lampposts curled over the street. Flowers, still blooming, hung from hooks below the lights. Benches flanked by flower pots dotted the brick sidewalks. Each corner of the street also held large brick planters overflowing with purple, pink and white petunias.

  His foster mother would have loved this place. He appreciated what the town had done to maintain an old-world beauty without succumbing to kitsch.

  Nice place to live, he thought, slowing suddenly as a young boy rolled across the street on a skateboard, licking on an ice cream cone as his dog pulled him along. The boy waved nonchalantly at Nik, clearly unperturbed by the fact that he held Nik up. Despite his minor annoyance, Nik smiled back. His smile grew more genuine when the boy stopped on the other side of the street to talk to a group of young girls.

  He remembered walking down these streets the few times he’d sneaked out of the house. It was often quieter when the stores were closed but the Riverside Inn was open, as were a few pubs. He would saunter down the sidewalk, as if he belonged there, his heart pounding each time he heard someone call out. The penalty for his momentary freedom would be hard and swift, but only if he were caught. So he made sure he wasn't.

  He made another turn down a winding street that followed the river.

  As he got closer to the house, the old familiar dread seeped into his veins. He sucked in a deep breath as he parked his truck on the driveway.

  Claire’s car was gone. Probably at the picnic.

  Nik shut the engine off, staring at his trailer. The thought of going in there and eating supper by himself held no appeal. Nor did going out for supper by himself.

  There’s the picnic.

  Cory wanted him to come. Emma wanted him to come.

  And he would see Claire again.

  Drumming his fingers, he considered his options. Spend time with people or sit and brood in an empty trailer?

  Be alone or possibly see Claire?

  Be
fore he could change his mind, he started up the truck again, backed out of the driveway and headed back to the park.

  He parked his truck a couple of blocks away because there were so many vehicles. He wondered how popular a church picnic could be. Turned out; very.

  Thankfully the weather was balmy. Sun shone and a few

  leaves that had already changed skittered across the road in front of him. Soon they would all be yellow and orange. He looked up to the mountains that protected the town, remembering how they glowed like they were lit from within when the aspen and poplar trees changed color. And then, later, how snow blanketed the harsh rock, softening the edges, sharply delineating the snowy peaks against a blue sky. The times he had snuck out and walked around, he could not keep his eyes off the mountains sheltering the town, wishing things were different for him. Wishing he were staying with another family so he could enjoy being here.

  In his meanderings he would sometimes walk past the school, wondering if he would see Claire. Occasionally he did but she never seemed to notice him.

  The confusing memories, some good, some bad, blended with each other as he walked closer to the park, still thinking of Claire. He heard music and people talking, someone was speaking over an intercom system.

  “So, we got another basket for your consideration,” the announcer said.

  Sounded like the auction had started and, as Nik got closer, he saw some people sitting by tables, already eating and others waiting, gathered around a large gazebo in the middle of the park.

  He stayed on the edge, looking over the crowd, trying to find Cory.

  Or Claire.

  “Hello there. Are you visiting?” A woman with long, blonde hair, and a baby carrier over one arm stopped by his side.

  “Is it that obvious?” Nik shifted his stance, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “You looked like you weren’t sure where to go. Do you want a guide?” She angled her head toward the crowd. “Just follow me.”

  He was about to protest, still not certain he wanted to be there, but it would be rude to ignore her. So he followed her past the overhanging trees to the open space now filled with people.