by Drew Elyse
“She’s not dealing,” I went on. “You gotta get her on that path.”
I watched Ash shift her posture, weighing out her words before she spoke. “Why me?”
What she really meant was, why not you? I’d done that for her, she didn’t get why I wasn’t giving that to a woman I was involved with, even if she wasn’t sure what level of involvement that was.
I gave her an answer, but it wasn’t the one she was looking for. “You got through your shit, living free and happy on the other side. You talk to her, show her it’s possible, she might start making moves to get there.”
Ash didn’t let me get away with avoiding it. “You were the one who got me through,” she pointed out.
“Helped you because I fired the other bullet and knew it was the one that hit. I can’t offer the same to her.” It was another bullshit answer.
“We both know that’s not the part that mattered,” she said, calling me on it.
Fine. She wasn’t going to let it go, I’d give it to her straight.
“I gave that once, ‘cause I didn’t see much other way. I ain’t up to giving it again. Ember’s got another option in you. That means you need to talk to her, and you need to get on that shit before she stops floundering and starts sinking. Yeah?”
She wanted to argue, but one good thing about Ash was she knew when a man was done, he was done and there was no arguing that.
“Yeah,” she agreed.
“Good,” I said, starting toward my bike. I needed to get out on the road and clear my head.
I straddled the seat when Ash called after me. I looked her way for her to ask, “Floundering?”
I knew what she meant, so I gave it to her. “Shit happens, you flounder a while. Eventually, you can’t sustain it anymore. Once you drown, there’s no going back.”
I didn’t watch that knowledge hit her. I started my bike and took off.
“When the fuck did I turn into your lackey?” Ace asked.
We were at Dad’s house, which I reminded myself again was now mine too. Dad was at work—as was Jager, not that that mattered overly much. Dad was also overprotective, so when I didn’t go to the shop with him or have plans with one of the girls that had me close to a brother, he had a brother at the house to babysit me.
I would have spoken up and pointed out that this bothered me, but I really wasn’t much in the mood to be by myself. So, I let it happen.
For whatever reason, Ace was the most frequent brother to get guard duty. He explained it by saying he’d been out of work from the garage healing after being shot—a story which I’d gotten in full from Ace during one afternoon of him watching me that freaked me out and made me seriously want to hug Ash. Since he’d been gone, they’d gotten used to not having him on hand, so it was easy enough for him to be useful elsewhere. I called bullshit, but I never got a real answer.
With all the time we were spending together, Ace had become my friend. Even more than the girls, he was the person I thought of as being a friend to call on since I’d moved to Hoffman. Because of that, I told myself he had guard duty so often because he felt the same way about me.
“Come on, she needs a bath. It’s not like I asked you to wash her for me, but you aren’t seriously going to just stand around while I do all the work, are you?” I shot back.
The “she” in question was my car. My baby needed a bath and there was nothing but sun in the forecast for once, so it was the optimal time to do it. I was already in a bikini under my tank and shorts and had the supplies ready to go.
“You’re a pain in my ass,” Ace shot back, getting to his feet. “Part of this gig is supposed to be that I get out of work.”
I threw a sponge at him. “Whatever, asshole.”
I led the way outside where I pulled my girl out of the garage and into the driveway. One definite negative of me moving in was the garage situation. Dad had a two-car garage where he typically kept his bike and the bird parked, but my baby wasn’t exactly the kind of car you left parked out in the elements. For the moment, he compensated by keeping either his bike or the bird at the clubhouse so there was room. If I was going to stay long-term, we were going to have to sort something better out.
I turned on the hose and let the bucket I’d brought out fill up, the soap I’d poured in sudsing up as it did. While that did its thing, I pulled off my tank and shimmied out of my shorts. I didn’t mess around with washing my girl and there was no reason to get my clothes all wet.
“Jesus Christ,” Ace muttered, and my head flew his way.
“What?”
“You realize I have a dick, right?”
I put a hand on my hip and gave him a droll look. “No shit.”
“You in that bikini, bendin’ over to get out of those shorts that were already a show of their own, you think that isn’t going to have an effect?” he demanded.
Actually…
“Well, no,” I told him.
“You shittin’ me?”
I wasn’t. He read that in my expression. His turned to one of disbelief, which confused me.
See, Ace had a secret. I knew it, from the first time he’d spent the day with me. I wasn’t even sure what made that knowledge so clear to me. There was just something about him that told me it was true. After that, I’d started to take an interest in him. After a couple weeks, I realized it was more than I first thought. Ace definitely had a secret, but it wasn’t just from me. It was from everyone. I couldn’t tell if anyone else realized he was hiding something, but they definitely didn’t know what it was. Naturally, I was now fascinated with the question.
About a week ago, feeling our friendship was cemented enough for me to do so, I’d brought it up.
“You have a secret,” I’d said, straight up.
“Everyone’s got secrets,” he’d answered.
This, of course, was true. Still, it wasn’t the same.
“You’ve got a big secret. Something no one knows about,” I’d replied.
“Not no one,” had been his cryptic response.
“Not the club,” I’d tried, wanting to verify what I thought I’d solved.
“Not the club,” he’d agreed.
I’d pushed for a while, trying to get him to tell me, but it had been a no-go. When he was done with my pushing, he’d said, “Like you, Ember. I haven’t made a secret of that. It might be that we keep on being tight and you earn that knowledge. I think you appreciate what that means since you already figured out my brothers don’t know that shit. Right now, I’m not ready. Feel me?”
I’d felt him, so I stopped pressing. But that didn’t mean I stopped trying to guess for myself. With time, I’d landed on an answer. There was only one thing that fit, and it definitely gave me cause to be confused about what he’d just said.
“Ember, what the fuck?” he demanded.
“I know, Ace,” I told him.
“You know what?”
“Ace,” I said, bugging my eyes out for emphasis, “I know.”
He was starting to look pissed. “Babe, you need to tell me what you think you know because I’m really fuckin’ not following right now.”
Crap. No one else was around, but it still didn’t feel right for me to be the one to say it when it was his secret.
“I know,” I started, trying to find the right words, “that you don’t…view women that way.”
Silence.
Ace stared at me for a long time before he hesitantly asked, “You trying to say you know I’m gay?”
“Yes,” I answered, trying to convey through my expression there was no judgement here. We were friends and that couldn’t matter less to me.
Then, he burst out laughing.
I had no idea what was going on. Was this some weird expression of relief that his secret was out?
He laughed for so long, he bent double, his arms clutching his sides. I started to worry he was having a psychotic break.
“Are you okay?”
“Ember,” he choked
out, still hysterical, “I’m not gay. Fuck.”
“What?”
He wiped at his eyes as he tried—and failed—to get the chuckles under control. “I’m not gay. That’s not my fucking secret.”
“But…I…” I stammered.
“You seriously thought that shit?”
“Yes!” I snapped. “It all made sense!”
“Gotta know, how exactly did that make sense?”
“Well, it was the only thing I could think of that you might hesitate to tell the brothers,” I explained.
He was still chuckling and it made me want to punch him. Instead, I grabbed another one of the sponges, this one wet from sitting in the bucket, and lobbed it at him. He jumped out of the way, but still got hit with the water flinging from it.
“Goddamn,” he said, rubbing at his eyes again, “that was the funniest shit I’ve ever heard.”
“Shut up.”
“Just to make it really clear, I’m not gay,” he stated. “Don’t have a problem if that’s who a man is, but that’s not me.”
“Kinda got that,” I replied.
“And if I were, I wouldn’t have patched in if I didn’t know the brothers were cool with that, which means there’d be no reason not to tell them,” he went on.
Well, that made sense.
“Then what can’t you tell them?” I asked.
That sobered him, and I felt like crap for bringing it up.
“Look, what I’ve been hiding isn’t about how the brothers would take it. I know not all of them would be thrilled about it, but they wouldn’t try to take my patch or anything. Me not sharing that shit is about me not being ready to face the serious, huge fuck up I made.”
Then, like what he said was super heavy, he turned and got the sponge I’d thrown from the neighbor’s front law. When he faced me again, that somber expression was gone, just wiped away like it hadn’t even been there.
Whatever it was he was keeping to himself, it was eating him up inside and had been long enough that he knew how to fake it.
“Alright, let’s get this beauty washed,” he said, looking at my hot rod.
Knowing as well as anyone pushing wasn’t going to help, I let him change the subject. I went back to my bucket, which was already overflowing onto the driveway and grass, turned off the hose, and added a bit more soap to make up for the run off. Then, we got to work.
A while later, while I rinsed the suds from one side and Ace scrubbed the other, I decided to lay it out.
“Whatever it is, it won’t matter to me,” I said soft, but clear. “Whether it was something you did or who you are, it makes no difference. Whatever happened, you obviously made a mistake and you regret it. That tells me, no matter what it was, you’re a good person like I know you to be. So, whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
His eyes told me what those words meant and I felt it run through me. When he was ready, he knew I’d be there for him. But there was more to it than that. I knew, without him saying a word, he was telling me the same. Whenever I was ready, he’d be there to talk.
Knowing I recognized that, he broke the heavy again.
With a grin, he said, “Still can’t believe you thought I was gay.”
Asshole.
I lifted the hose in my hand, took aim, and opened fire.
Shit was tense to say the fucking least.
Church could get that way. Not one man with the Disciples’ patch on his back took that lightly. That meant the decisions about how we handled club business meant a lot to everyone who sat at that table. When the business at hand involved disrespect or a direct threat, that ratcheted it up further.
“Tell me you fucking found something,” Roadrunner requested.
He was at the end of his rope, and not one man in the room could fault him for that. It had been two months since Ember was delivered to our door and we’d managed to sort out a fat lot of nothing.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. We knew exactly who sold her to us. That was all we had. We weren’t necessarily looking to go to war with Pasha Kuznetsov or his pseudo-Bratva over what happened. Provided shit went down the way we anticipated—that Ember’s name was offered up by someone else and she was brought to us as soon as they learned her Disciples connection—we’d let shit slide.
However, we’d only let it go if we found the fucker who put Ember on radar in the first place.
“Louis is the link. Fucking sure of that shit,” I answered. “There just ain’t shit that can be dug up that proves anything. Whoever he is, wherever the fuck he came from, that man is fucking gone. Name’s a paper trail, nothing more.”
Roadrunner cursed, hitting his fist on the table to punctuate it. Brother was going to blow if we didn’t get answers soon.
Stone looked like he was ready to be done dicking around. “Ember’s got nothing that can help trace this fucker?”
I expected Roadrunner to answer, giving the group the intel he’d given me. Ember had been with Louis less than three months. Short romance, no fire, fizzled out quick. She’d never been overly interested in him, but had given him a shot. Never got beyond casually dating in her eyes.
It was Ace who spoke. “All she’s got is what he told her. She never got close enough to meet family or anything that might open up intel.”
What the fuck?
Why was he answering?
Stone moved his eyes to Roadrunner, who nodded his agreement, and Pres shook his head. “Leaves us only one choice.”
“Sit-down with Kuznetsov,” Tank voiced the answer.
“That ain’t gonna go too well,” Gauge offered. “Motherfucker has a very loose understanding of what respect means.”
“I don’t give a fuck,” Roadrunner spat. “He wants to fashion himself king of the fuckin’ hill, I say let him. We gotta go in there and play it like he’s got some power in this region, what the fuck ever. So long as he gives a name, I don’t give a shit about the rest.”
“Brother, that’s a slippery slope,” Doc warned.
It was. Giving in to anyone else’s sense of power always was. If we gave Kuznetsov the impression he could easily bowl over the Disciples, he might get a mind to do just that. The club took a hit to our status by pulling out of the ventures that got us on radar. There were whispers that we weren’t so ready to defend our turf anymore. Word got out that we were kissing Kuznetsov’s ass, even a mistaken word, it could mean challenges coming for us. We’d best that if we had to, but it didn’t mean it was something we needed.
“We go in there guns blazing and demanding shit, we’re just as likely to end up at war with those wanna-be mafia motherfuckers,” Roadrunner shot back.
He wasn’t wrong.
Stone laid down the law. “We go in with respect. Let him think he’s the big man. He oversteps, we deal with that after. Right now, we need that info and he’s the only one who has it. I’ll set it up, figure out who’s in.”
“Gonna have to lay down the law with Ember,” Ace said to Roadrunner. “Girl’s got it in her head that she should try to connect with Louis. She does that, he knows she was taken by now, he could get squirrelly.”
Roadrunner rubbed his eyes. “Dammit, Ember.”
“Told her not to, but your girl’s fucking stubborn,” Ace replied.
“When’d she get that bright idea?” Roadrunner asked.
“The other day when we were washing her ride. I’ll keep trying to talk her down from that ledge, but it’d probably work better if you give her a firm no on the idea.”
Again, what the fuck?
“Maybe you should focus on keeping an eye on shit and less on her.”
All eyes came my way, Ace raising an eyebrow in challenge. “You got something to say, brother?”
“You’re there, it’s because you have a fuckin’ job to do, not to shoot the shit with her,” I told him, not shifting my position from how I was reclined in my chair even though I was ready to go to blows.
Ace shot to his feet. “Well, som
eone’s gotta get that girl talking before she has a fuckin’ meltdown from holding all that shit in. Don’t see you making that play while you treat her like free fucking pussy!”
I got up and leaned across the table, ready to fuck him up—brother or not—when Stone stood.
“Sit. Down,” he ordered.
Neither of us moved.
His hands slammed on the table, jarring the thing as he roared, “Both of you motherfuckers better sit the fuck down before I bury a bullet in one of you!”
I was tempted to stay where I was, challenge the threat and odds that I’d be the one getting the bullet. I’d brought Ace into the club and I’d fucking take him out of it if necessary.
What the fuck are you doing? I thought to myself. Throwing down with a brother over what? Some pussy?
It felt wrong to even think it. What Ember gave me was precious, more than just some chick giving it up to anyone in a cut. But that didn’t change facts. Ember wasn’t my old lady, and she wasn’t going to be. Anything shy of that wasn’t what you went against a brother for.
I relaxed my stance and Ace read me. We sat at the same time, a sign of respect after what we’d just had.
“Right. This shit is done. I take care of the meet, we go from there. Anything else we need to see to?” Stone demanded of the room.
No one spoke up, so he banged the gavel and walked out.
One by one, the guys filed out. Ace and I stayed where we were.
When we were alone, I spoke first.
“Sorry, man,” I gave it to him straight.
“Don’t want to push your buttons, Jager. I’ve got nothing but respect for you and you know that,” he started. “But you need to sort your shit. You want to lay claim to her, I get the distinct feeling she would let you do that. If you aren’t into that, then you can’t get up in the face of anyone you feel disrespects something you don’t even have with her.”
He was right, and he knew it. I didn't need to confirm.
Ace stood, straightening his cut in a proprietary way. That cut was as much his as it was mine, even if I let myself get fucked in the head enough to think for a minute it wasn’t.
“We’re good. Just be careful, man,” he said as he walked out.
