by Beth Wiseman
Mom tilted her head to the side like she did sometimes when she was thinking. “Well, I’m going to bring you something up here, in case you change your mind.” She blinked back tears, and Grace felt ashamed. “Grace . . . we’re going to get through this. God will get us through this, okay?”
“There’s nothing to get through, Mom. Really. I tried something I shouldn’t have, and I didn’t like it.” Please, God, forgive me. Help me.
“Grace, this wasn’t the first time, though, and—”
“I know, Mom. I know.” Grace slapped her hands to her knees as she swung her legs over the side of the bed, cringing from the pain of her fresh wounds. “I messed up! I shouldn’t have done it. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?” The tears came full force, and Grace knew she shouldn’t talk to her mother like that. But Mom had a way of pushing until she heard what she wanted to hear. Didn’t Grace just assure her that it wouldn’t happen again?
“Okay, baby.” Mom held up one hand as her own eyes welled with tears. “We can talk more later.”
Great.
“Do you want me to stay up here with you tonight?”
“No.” She sniffled, wishing more than anything that her mother would just leave. “I just want to be alone.”
“Okay.”
Her mother had almost closed the door behind her when she peeked her head back in. “Grace?”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Skylar didn’t have anything to do with you doing this, did she?”
“No, Mom.” She rolled her eyes. If you only knew what a good person Skylar is. Grace thought about the way she’d treated Skylar. And felt another wave of self-hatred.
“Okay.” Her mother paused, tears in her eyes. “Do you know how much I love you?”
“With all your heart.” Grace choked the words out. And I’m so sorry for what I’ve done.
Mom blew her a kiss. “Yes, with all my heart. No matter what.”
Please just go, Mom.
Brad spit mouthwash into the sink, then stared at himself in the mirror. Lord, why is this happening?
He’d waited years to make partner. It should have been a day to celebrate. Instead, a war of emotions raged within him at the realization that he and Darlene had somehow failed one of their children. He pulled a white T-shirt over his head as he searched his mind for clues as to why Grace would harm herself like this. She was the middle child. Did she not get enough attention?
He walked to the bed, sat down, and tried to think. They’d never had any problems with Grace. The door to the bedroom opened. A tense, drawn face greeted him, and Brad swallowed hard.
“How is she?”
Darlene’s bottom lip quivered as she stood in the middle of the bedroom. “I don’t know. She said it was just something she tried and that she’d never do it again.” She sat down in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, her fingers tensed in her lap. “But I think there’s more to it than that. She needs to talk to someone, Brad. A professional.”
Brad rubbed his forehead, sighed. “She said she’d never do it again, Darlene.” He locked eyes with his wife. “Maybe we just need to trust her.” His fears matched his wife’s, but he didn’t want his daughter’s reputation ruined in this small town if there wasn’t going to be another incident. Being a teenager was hard enough without the added label of “mentally ill.” “The minute she steps foot into a shrink’s office, this whole town will know about it.”
“I really don’t care.” Darlene’s lips barely moved as she spoke. “I’m only concerned with our daughter’s well-being.”
“Like I’m not?” Brad stood up and walked toward her. “I’m just as worried as you are, but I don’t want us doing anything rash either. We need to think about this.” He put a hand on his hip. “Let’s just sleep on it, and we can talk tomorrow.”
“I’m calling someone tomorrow.” Darlene stood up, brushed past him, and went into the bathroom. Brad followed.
“So you’re just going to make that decision on your own? Did you even ask Grace what she thought? We’re not in Houston. You know how everything is public knowledge around here. The local psychologist is probably a classmate’s father, uncle, or grandfather.”
Darlene turned to look at him through the doorway of the bathroom. “Brad, our daughter is in trouble. She’s not old enough to make decisions about what is best for her. We’re her parents. That’s our job!”
“Yelling isn’t going to help.” Although Brad felt like hollering at the top of his lungs too.
“Well, neither is pretending that it didn’t happen.” Darlene threw her hands up in the air. “Brad, she’s got cuts all over her legs, and I’m sure those scars on her arms aren’t from barbwire. She’s already lied to us. Do you want her to hurt herself again?” Tears started to pour down Darlene’s face. “Our beautiful Grace. Why would she do this to herself?” She raised her head and dabbed at her eyes.
Brad couldn’t keep the tears from forming in his eyes again. There was a long, brittle silence before Darlene spoke again.
“And since this is my fault for not being here to supervise my children, I will handle it.”
Brad hung his head, shook it. He was surprised it took her this long to bring up his comment. “Dar, I shouldn’t have said that. And they are our children. We’ll handle it together. We don’t need to be fighting about it, we just need—”
“Actually, I’ve been thinking about quitting my job. I’m going to give notice tomorrow.”
“Don’t do that because of what I said.”
“I’m not.” She turned toward the sink and turned the water on. “I need to be home for my children.”
Brad knew this was a direct repercussion of his earlier comment, her attempt to lash out at him. Didn’t she realize he was hurting too? “Whatever. Quit then.” He turned to head back to the bed, his head splitting and his heart filled with worry about Grace.
“Yeah, whatever,” she said, slamming the bathroom door.
He crawled into bed.
Congratulations to me for a long-awaited, well-deserved promotion.
It was possibly the most selfish thought he’d ever had, but it had surfaced just the same.
Darlene leaned her head all the way down to the sink and let the tears fall again, hoping the running water would drown out her sobs. Brad wouldn’t have made the comment if he didn’t at least believe it to be partly true. Maybe if she’d been home, she would have noticed a change in Grace, possibly prevented this from happening.
Even though she felt bitter about having to quit her job, losing her independence, and leaving the students—especially Cara—her own kids were more important. And Grace needed her.
She washed her face and brushed her teeth, all the while thinking about how hard it was going to be to give notice to Myrna. But the vision of Grace’s legs, the blood on the bed, in her lap, on her clothes . . . Darlene shivered.
As she climbed into bed, she stayed far on her side. This wasn’t Brad’s fault. She wasn’t sure if it was her fault. But one thing she knew for sure, she needed to find out more about this cutting and get Grace some help. No matter what Brad thought.
At breakfast, no one said much, and Brad left early for work. Grace almost acted like nothing had happened, and she seemed to be trying to lift everyone’s spirits. She joked with Chad, who didn’t react much. And she offered to take Ansley shopping on the square in Round Top later that afternoon. It was unusual for all the kids to be up so early during summer break, but they’d been waiting to watch the space shuttle on television this morning. Darlene was glad to see that Grace had gotten up for it.
She’d already instructed Chad to keep an eye on Grace, thankful that he didn’t have to work today, and even though her insides churned, she knew she had a responsibility to go to work. But maybe Brad was right. Maybe Grace was just trying something out, and it would never happen again. Her intuition told her otherwise, though.
Chad reached for the last cinnamon roll,
and Darlene blew them all a kiss. “See you tonight.” She glanced at her son. “Call me if you need me.” He nodded, and with much anxiety, Darlene left for work.
Myrna took the news much better than Darlene expected, probably because Darlene had told her the truth about Grace, despite Brad’s worries. Myrna also gave her the name of a psychologist who specialized in “these types of troubles,” as Myrna had called it. Darlene had offered to give two weeks’ notice, but Myrna told her that she would combine her granddaughter’s one-on-one study with Cara’s until she could find Darlene’s replacement, insisting that Darlene needed to stay close to Grace and get her some counseling.
When she’d voiced her concerns about the children at the school, especially Cara, Myrna said that God would guide them all. At the mention of God, Darlene realized that she hadn’t said any prayers last night, for the first time in as long as she could remember. Too much on her mind with Grace, but she knew that Grace’s situation was even more reason to reach out to God for guidance.
Myrna thought it best not to say anything to Cara or Dave today, although Darlene felt terrible that she’d just stop coming after today, never showing up to teach again. When Dave showed up at five o’clock to pick up Cara, Darlene could hardly look him in the eyes.
“Glad it was another good day,” Dave said after Darlene gave him a report on Cara’s accomplishments for the day. He offered a weak smile, and Darlene thought again about how Dave had opened up at the gala, then shut down afterward. Sometimes she still wondered what she’d done to cause him to run cold again. Not that it mattered, she supposed. Today was her last day. “We’ll see you tomorrow.” He reached for Cara’s hand, and together they left the classroom.
Darlene’s whole body felt like a lead weight. She wouldn’t see them tomorrow. Or the next day.
God be with you, Cara.
And please be with Grace and our family.
Darlene walked down the hall to tell everyone good-bye. She knew in her mind and in her heart that she needed to be with Grace right now, but Brad’s comments, his blaming her, rang in her mind, as if he accepted no responsibility for Grace’s actions.
All she’d ever wanted to be was a good wife and mother. Was it so wrong to seek just a little bit of independence outside of those two roles?
Apparently so.
Chapter Thirteen
Grace held the nails in a small pouch, handing one to her father each time he asked for one. Normally she wouldn’t have offered to help her father repair the fence, but she was desperate to talk to him without anyone around. It had been two weeks since she’d been caught cutting herself, and she hadn’t done it since then. But her mother was on a mission to get her to see a shrink, like she was a crazy person. Mom had made her an appointment for next Tuesday.
Her father had worked late every night that week, so she hadn’t had a chance to talk to him privately. Today, though, he was working on repairs around the farm, starting with the fence.
“Dad?”
“Huh?” He wiped sweat from his brow, then adjusted a fallen board back into place. “Another nail, please.” He held out his hand without looking at her. She pulled a nail from the pouch and handed it to him. Across the pasture, Layla was riding one of her horses. Grace waved, and Layla waved back. She hadn’t seen Layla in weeks, but she knew her mother had visited her. Mostly her mother was hovering over Grace, making Grace feel like she was suffocating. She wished Mom had never quit her job. Grace had cured herself of the cutting. Now she just had to convince her father.
“Daddy, please don’t let Mom take me to a shrink.”
Her father finished hammering the nail into place before he looked up at her. “Grace, maybe it’s the best thing for you to talk to someone.”
“No, Dad. I stopped. It was a stupid, dumb thing to do, and I haven’t done it since. Please don’t let Mom take me on Tuesday. Please.”
He locked eyes with her for a moment as sweat dripped from his forehead. It was already a hundred degrees, and it wasn’t quite July yet. They were all going to melt come August.
“Grace, I don’t know . . .” He shook his head. “Your mother really thinks that it would help you to talk to someone. Don’t you think it might feel good to talk about your feelings, to maybe understand what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” He playfully tapped her on the forehead. She smiled, but was no less committed to getting him on her side.
“Dad, I feel great. Better than I have in a long time. I was so sad when I found out about Tristan. I’d heard other girls talking about cutting themselves to make themselves feel better, and I thought maybe it would work for me. But it didn’t.” God, forgive me.
Her father put a hand up to block the early-morning sun rising above the colorful pasture filled with wildflowers. “Are you sure, Grace?”
She touched his arm. “Yes, Daddy. I’m sure. Please talk Mom out of taking me.” Grace had heard them arguing about this several times, and she knew she needed to weigh in on her father’s side of the argument. “I’d just die if anyone around here found out that I went to a shrink. I couldn’t stand for everyone to think that I’m crazy. I might as well just die if that happened.”
“Grace, don’t say that.” Her father kicked a board into place, then reached his hand out to her for another nail. “Your mom said the counselor is in Eagle Lake. That should be far enough away to keep it private. I can understand how you don’t want this to get out, but having said that—it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Sometimes we all need someone to talk to.”
“I talk to God.” It was the truth. How could he argue with that?
“And that’s good. But I still think—”
“Dad, I can’t go! Please!” Her eyes started to water up, and even though she knew it would soften her father, the tears came without force. She really couldn’t stand the thought of trying to explain something that she didn’t totally understand herself. And she truly was scared to death that people would find out. She’d heard Glenda and the other girls bash people who had far less significant problems than Grace had. “Please just talk to Mom.”
Her father put his hands on his hips and faced her. “Grace, are you sure you feel okay now? And that you don’t have an urge to hurt yourself anymore?” He cupped her cheek. “We just want to do right by you, Grace, to take care of you.”
She put her hand on his. “I know, Dad. But if you want to help me, please get me out of this appointment. It is causing me so much stress, and I’d be way better if I didn’t have to worry about it.”
He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “Okay, munchkin. I’ll talk to your mom.”
Over the years, Grace had told him that she was much too old for that endearment, but at the moment, it was music to her ears. She’d won him over. “Thank you, Dad.” She reached her arms around his waist. He kissed her on the top of the head.
“You’re welcome, baby.”
It was early evening when Brad cornered Darlene in the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around her waist while she was loading the dishwasher. Things had been strained between them since their argument about Grace. And instead of fewer hours at work, his new position was demanding more hours, so he really hadn’t had a chance to talk to her much. She was quiet, and he knew she missed her job. And she was worried about Grace.
“Let’s go to dinner tonight, just the two of us.” He twirled her around until she was facing him. “We haven’t had a date night in a long time.”
“That sounds good.”
It was nice to see her smile. She was the love of his life, and while they might not always agree on everything, he couldn’t stand it when they were distant. “Where do you want to go?”
“It doesn’t matter. I can make something for the kids ahead of time, or—”
“Or they can just make a sandwich. They’ll survive one night without a hot meal.”
“I guess so.”
Brad needed to talk to her about Grace, and maybe a relaxed atmosphere a
nd a nice restaurant would make it easier for them to communicate.
“Why don’t we just go to Joe’s Place in Fayetteville?” she asked as she eased away from him and started the dishwasher. “We won’t have to get dressed up, and a steak sounds good.”
“Wherever you want to go is fine with me. I’m going to jump in the shower.” He leaned around her, kissed her on the cheek.
Thirty minutes later, he started down the stairs in a pair of blue jean shorts and a white T-shirt. He’d heard the doorbell, and Darlene was opening the front door as he stepped onto the landing. Brad was surprised to see Skylar. Grace’s friend hadn’t been to the house in a long time. He waved to her as she walked past him and toward the stairs, then he glanced at Darlene, whose brittle smile didn’t fool Brad. They both waited until Skylar was upstairs before they said anything.
“Do you think everyone will be okay for an hour or two?” Darlene’s eyes searched his.
“Yes.” Brad knew that Darlene’s worries about Skylar mirrored his own. It was wrong to judge the girl by the way she dressed, but they were both so worried about Grace, everyone was a target for blame.
Grace heard a knock on her door and put down the book she was reading. When she opened her bedroom door, she was surprised to see Skylar, especially after the way Grace had treated her at school. Skylar had called a few times, but Grace hadn’t called her back. “Hey.”
“Hey. Just wondering if you were okay.”
She didn’t deserve a friend like Skylar. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She stepped aside so Skylar could come in.
“Whatcha reading?” Skylar nodded to the book on Grace’s bed.
“It’s a novel. A story about the Amish.”
Skylar grinned. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Grace liked reading about the Amish because of the peaceful lives they led. It was an escape from her problems, but she didn’t feel like explaining. She felt like crying. She’d been horrible to Skylar, and yet here she was, acting like nothing was wrong.
