'So what are you proposing to do if you refuse to marry me?'
She shook her head and sighed.
'I don't know. I'd keep house for Gerard, but now he and Amanda are getting married, I can't do that. Oh, don't misunderstand me, I'm so pleased for them both. Perhaps I'll become a governess.'
He almost laughed.
'You don't need to earn your living, my love. You have your own money. Nothing that happened was your fault, so why are you punishing both me and yourself?'
'I – that isn't what I want! Oh, Lucien, it's impossible! You would always remember, and so would I!'
'Then we would need to bury these unpleasant recollections under pleasanter ones. My dear Fanny, I want nothing more than to be your husband. If we married, I would make no demands on you. I would not touch you apart from helping you into a carriage, I would not even kiss you until you are less frightened and give me leave. Could you not at least consider marrying me under such circumstances?'
She shook her head.
'It would not be fair to you. You will need an heir, and I – I don't think I could!'
'My dear Fanny! I am aware many men consider providing themselves with an heir is the sole purpose of life, but I am not one of them! Why should I care what happens after I am dead? I never expected to inherit the title, I don't want it, and I certainly don't want the problems of Escott Priory! I am perfectly happy at Beech Court. It isn't very far from your own country house, and you would be close to Amanda. Isn't that an incentive?'
Sadly she shook her head.
'I can't, Lucien.'
He stood up. He would have to give her more time, be patient.
'Very well. We will be staying here for some weeks, I expect. There will be Silas's trial at the next Assizes. Amanda may prefer to be married from here rather than from Beech Court, and she and Gerard wish to marry as soon as possible. Then they will travel on the continent until his house is ready, when the tenants leave. After all, my aunt has successfully arranged weddings for five daughters, and we do not have a mother to make arrangements at Beech Court. Now you must not be afraid. I will not mention the matter to you again, so you may treat me as just a friend of your brother's.'
He stood up and with a formal bow turned away from her and left the room. Fanny looked after him and sighed. Why had this to happen to destroy all her dreams of happiness? But she dared not give way. It was the only solution.
*
The wedding date was set for a month ahead. Gerard went back to London to make arrangements with his managers for when he was travelling on the continent after the wedding. At Amanda's suggestion they would combine it with visiting several potential customers who might be interested in buying any exports. Jethro had provided names and suggestions for what might be profitable.
Lucien departed for Beech Court, saying there were matters he needed to see to there. Fanny at first felt relief she need not meet him every day, then she began to wonder what he was doing, and when Lady Charlotte mentioned that one of his nearest neighbours, Emily Kerswell, a ravishingly pretty girl Fanny had once met in London, was back at home having disappointed her family by jilting the man she had been engaged to, she wondered rather despondently whether Lucien was seeing her.
She tried to feel generous, telling herself he needed someone to make him happy after her own defection, but it was difficult. Her sketching held no attraction now, it made her recall the utter terror she had felt when Silas had captured her. Amanda, much as she tried not to appear too happy when in Fanny's company, could not always prevent her joy from showing. Fanny tried to read, to distract her thoughts, but all too often found she had reached the end of a page and not taken in one word. Other occupations such as sewing needed little attention and her thoughts could roam freely.
Lady Charlotte ignored her misery, and did not attempt to restrict the conversation at mealtimes or in the drawing room. She was full of plans for the wedding, and Miss Pollock had been summoned from London to make Amanda's wedding gown, and those for her bridesmaids.
Amanda had chosen material in a golden satin. It could be used as an evening gown later, she said. Her attendants would be in blue. This raised the question of who might be her attendants.
'I can't have any of my younger cousins,' Amanda said. 'There are too many of them and those I do not ask will be offended. I want you, Fanny, of course.'
Fanny shuddered. She could not face being part of the bridal party, even though it was her brother's wedding. Lucien would be supporting Gerard. It would force her into too close contact with him.
'Please, Amanda, no! I can't do it.'
Despite Amanda's pleas she maintained her refusal.
'I was planning to ask Emily too. She is one of my best friends in Shropshire. I could ask her sister Celia, I suppose, even though she is only sixteen. She will be making her come out next year, so it would be suitable.'
'They can both come here for a few days so that Miss Pollock can begin to make their dresses,' Lady Charlotte said. 'I will send a message to their Mama at once. I am sure she will be pleased to send Emily away after the uproar she caused when she jilted Lord Scott.'
Fanny had heard so much about Emily's beauty, though she had only seen her once. Her family, Lady Charlotte said, moved in different circles, and her father was an intimate of the Prince Regent. They rather held themselves aloof from most of Society, and attended only the most exclusive parties, never the crushes Fanny had been to.
She wondered if Lucien would return to Dean House while the Kerswood girls were here, and on the morning they arrived, having been driven in their own post chaise, she felt a sudden increase in her despondency. Lucien, looking happy and carefree, was riding alongside the chaise.
*
CHAPTER 14
Though preoccupied with wedding preparations, Amanda watched her friend carefully. Fanny's gaze followed Lucien constantly, until, as though she had suddenly realised what she was doing, she looked away and concentrated on something else.
Lucien, though friendly, made no attempts to speak privately with Fanny. Apart from when the girls were with Miss Pollock, Lucien spent much of the time with Emily. She was looking lovelier than ever, and sparkled with wit. She was friendly with everyone, and seemed to make a special effort to talk with Fanny. Since her conversation consisted mainly of details of her own and Amanda's gowns, speculation and envy of the wedding journey, and her relief to have found the courage to jilt a man she found she could not love, it did nothing to comfort Fanny.
'When I think of all the places you and Gerard will be seeing, I almost regret jilting Freddie Scott,' she told Amanda, laughing. 'Just think, I might have been going there ahead of you!'
Celia, her sister, was less friendly. She said she had heard something shocking had happened to unmask the false Earl of Escott, and was certain Fanny and Amanda would know what it was.
'He is going to be tried at the Assizes, and we must not talk about it,' Amanda said repressively, and refused to say any more.
Fanny could have hugged her. She was utterly convinced that if the gossiping Celia, who had already told them about two scandals involving her schoolfriends, knew the truth it would soon be all over Shropshire. And since Emily had told them different and less salacious versions when she heard about Celia's indiscretions, saying they were not really scandals at all, just unfortunate mistakes, she suspected Celia's story would be even more lurid than the truth should the girl come to know anything of what had happened.
They were sitting in a small room which Lady Charlotte said had been a favourite of her daughters. The windows overlooked the gardens and a door led straight to the terrace at the back of the house.
'I'm sure you will be going soon, Emily,' Amanda said. 'You won't be without several suitors once you go back to London. Are you going up to town for the Little Season?'
Emily gave a secretive smile.
'I don't think so, even though Mama wishes to. She is eager to marry me off, but I think
he has more chance of that by leaving me in Shropshire.'
Amanda cast a worried glance at Fanny. She was looking pale.
'Come and walk with me in the gardens, Emily. I am going to have a posy of roses, and I want to select which ones, which colours, will go best with my gown. I would welcome your advice. And Aunt Charlotte wants some for the dining room.'
'Will you come too, Fanny? You are looking pale, and some fresh air will do you good,' Emily said, with a brilliant smile in her direction.
'I have – I want to finish this embroidery,' Fanny said.
'But you haven't set a stitch all the time we've been talking.'
'That's why she needs some peace to finish it,' Amanda said quickly, and dragged Emily and her sister out of the room. She suspected Fanny had all she could manage to stop bursting into tears.
Celia said she wanted to see if her horse had recovered from a slight strain and went off to the stables. Amanda and Emily were in the rose gardens inspecting the blooms when Lucien joined them. He had been out riding with Jethro. They had been into Shrewsbury on business regarding Silas. Amanda was not sure what it was, but Lucien had earlier mentioned the Quarter Sessions, and said Silas would not be tried until the next Assize court, in Lent.
'You and Gerard will be back by then, and he will give evidence. Did you know he is back from London? He arrived just after we came back.'
Amanda gave him a beaming smile, picked up her skirts and ran, dropping the roses she had been picking for her aunt.
*
Fanny could see the rose garden, and though she told herself she was being foolish to care, she could not help looking at Emily. She was so pretty, it was no wonder the men all fell in love with her. Lucien was probably no different from the rest.
She was thinking of him when he appeared, and soon afterwards Amanda ran towards the stables. Lucien and Emily continued to stroll about the garden, and with a stifled sob Fanny turned away.
Why did she care? She had decided she could not marry him, so why did it hurt her when he consoled himself with someone else?
She picked up her embroidery, but put it down again when teardrops fell onto the material. How she wished she could go away, but there was nowhere. Her home was occupied by strangers, but they would not have allowed her to go alone in any case. Their only relatives were distant cousins, a branch of the family that had ignored them ever since Gerard's and her grandfather had involved himself in trade, so there would be no possibility of visiting them. Briefly she wondered whether she could hire a companion or chaperone, plead illness, and say she needed to drink the waters at Bath or some other spa. Lady Charlotte might accept that excuse, but she would not allow Fanny to leave before the wedding, which was coming inexorably closer.
When the door opened she looked up in alarm. It was Gerard, alone, and he closed the door and came swiftly across to her.
'Fanny, my dear, what is it? Why are you weeping?'
She shook her head and refused to tell him. How could she, when she didn't know herself why she was feeling so miserable?
'Tomorrow I'm going to visit our home, to see the people renting it and make arrangements for when Amanda and I come back. Will you come with me?'
She was about to refuse. She did not want to do anything, but then she realised she would not have to see Lucien and Emily together if she were away for the day.
Her tears were dried, and she was able to present a calm face for the rest of the day. Gerard was starting out early, driving his own curricle which had been fetched from their home some time beforehand, so she was away from the house before she had to meet anyone else. Gerard did not mention Lucien or his marriage, but talked mainly of the business and what he had arranged with his managers in London. It was strangely calming, and Fanny was able to make some sensible comments and ask questions which Gerard treated seriously. By the time they returned to Dean House she was feeling much better and readier to hide her misery under a veneer of calm.
*
The wedding was over, and the guests returned to Dean House for the wedding breakfast. Amanda and Gerard were staying for two nights, then leaving for London on the following day. From there they would go to Paris, and afterwards where the whim took them. It would be almost Christmas before they were back home. Fanny was to stay with Lady Charlotte for most of the time, but Lady Short had invited her to go with her to London for a few weeks during the Little Season.
'It feels so strange not to have Jane with me,' she explained to Fanny as they walked back from the village church.
Fanny did not know what to reply. She suspected that Lady Short hoped to find her another husband, and that the notion had been suggested by Lady Charlotte. Was her kind benefactress tired of her, annoyed with her continuing misery? She had no desire to find herself in London again, obliged to go to parties and behave as though she were enjoying herself, but did she have a duty to everyone to try and pretend?
She was thinking about this when Amanda, smiling at Jethro, who had made the toast to the happy couple, stood up.
'In the past they sewed bows and ribbons onto a bride's dress, and people snatched at them, to share in her good fortune. Now we don't want our gowns ruined, so we throw the posy instead, and the girl who catches it is the next to be married.'
She tossed the posy of bright red roses across the room, and laughing, Emily and her sister stretched out to catch it. They both failed, and Fanny, who had not moved, found the posy in her lap. She stared down at it in alarm, shaking her head, then Emily began to clap her hands.
'Oh, Fanny, you're such a dark horse! I didn't know you had a beau. Who is going to be the fortunate bridegroom?'
'Someone who is half blind,' Celia whispered.
Fanny heard and turned a vivid scarlet, as red as the roses. She wanted to run away and hide, but she could not disrupt Amanda's day by any such show of emotion, so she swallowed her chagrin and tried to smile.
'Be quiet!' Emily hissed at her sister, and came across to hug Fanny. That kindness was almost more to bear than Celia's malice.
Somehow Fanny got through the rest of the day. Most of the guests were local friends, only a few were staying at Dean House, so most of them left early enough to drive home before it grew dark. Thankfully, Fanny was able to retreat to bed, though not to sleep.
She did not believe in those old superstitions, she told herself. It had been an accident the posy had come to her and not to Emily, where she was sure Amanda had meant to toss it. She would never marry. The very thought of being touched by any man in the way Silas had touched her made her want to vomit. She knew she had been unconscious for some of the time, but not all, and still the memory of his fat hands on her shrinking flesh made her cringe with both embarrassment and distaste.
*
She rose early the next morning. If she could not sleep she would walk in the gardens. They were extensive enough for her to be able to avoid any other guests who might be taking the air.
Ought she to accept Lady Short's invitation? She had not enjoyed her time in London, but did Lady Charlotte want her to go? Was her kind hostess becoming weary of her unhappiness? Then she began to think of the time after Christmas, when Gerard and Amanda would be home. Did they really want her, or were they simply being kind when they said she was to make her home with them in both Shropshire and London?
'After all, here it is your home before it will be mine,' Amanda had said, 'and we will be buying a house near the City for Gerard's convenience when he has to be in London.'
None of these questions were answerable. Perhaps, when Gerard and Amanda had departed on their wedding journey, she would see her way more clearly.
It was warm for the time of year and time of day, and Fanny found a secluded bench in the little spinney that was at the side of the orchard, where ash and oak and elm trees had grown to great heights. She rested there, leaning back against the trunk of an ash tree. Her sleepless night made her drowsy, and she was half asleep when Amanda found her.
/> 'Fanny? Are you all right?'
Fanny woke with a start.
'Amanda? You are out early.'
'Its not early. You've been asleep. It's time for luncheon, and Lady Charlotte sent me out to find you. Come on, back to the house. You can't hide away.'
'I was not hiding,' Fanny said as she began to walk back to the house. 'It was a beautiful wedding,' she said, feeling it necessary to say something about the previous day.
Amanda giggled and glanced at her.
'It was a lovely night, too,' she said softly. 'No, don't blush! Would you not rather hear that I enjoyed being with your brother than otherwise?'
'I – I cannot imagine it,' Fanny said. 'I cannot believe that being in bed with a man can be enjoyable!'
'Oh, my dear, I was forgetting. But Silas was a monster, he was nothing like your brother, or mine. He was a brute, but Gerard was most considerate. Lady Charlotte talked to me, since I haven't a mother. But from what some of my friends say, I suspect many mothers do not advise their daughters what to expect on their wedding nights.'
Fanny was still blushing. She had had female friends in India, some of them married, but none of them had ever talked with the same freedom as Amanda. Her own mother had never mentioned the topic, merely saying once, when she was urging Fanny to accept Silas's offer, that it was the duty of husbands to train their wives to please them.
The word train had made Fanny wonder exactly what marriage entailed if wives had to be treated as animals, like hunting dogs or the performing bears which were made to dance. The latter, she knew, were forced to dance by being prodded with sharpened sticks. The reflection that wives might suffer the same treatment made her smile and feel more cheerful.
By now they had reached the house, where the remaining guests were beginning to gather in the dining room before starting to make their ways home. Amanda went to join Gerard, and smiled up at him in a way that made Fanny envious. Lucien, Fanny saw, was laughing at something Emily said as she sat beside him. The Kershaw sisters were going home that afternoon, and Fanny wondered whether Lucien would be leaving with them, but she dared not ask and show her interest. She took a seat and was dismayed when Celia came to sit beside her.
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