by BlaQue
I paced back and forth; I tried to focus on the television. I even attempted to smoke a cigarette. Nothing was working. Time was moving so incredibly slow. Finally, three minutes passed and when I entered the bathroom I knew what was waiting for me before I could even get a good look into the cup. I pulled out the first test and it had a pink plus sign. I tossed it to the side because I had heard stories of women having false positives and I didn’t want to be one of them crying and tripping for no reason. I pulled the second test from the cup and it had two lines indicating that I was definitely pregnant.
I knew one thing…I was not going to stand there like I was defeated. I threw the cup in the trash along with both of the used tests. I left out of the bathroom sat on the bed and tried to sort out what to do next. I couldn’t help it. I cried. I was trying not to fall apart, but it was useless. I was breaking down, I was running from God only knows who and I was trying to protect my brother from some bullshit that Daddy had us twisted up in. My best friend hated my ass, so I couldn’t even ask her for help or advice at that point. She wouldn’t give me any advice being that I was pregnant by Dread. I was on the run and pregnant.
This shit should have been written in one of those stupid Urban Fiction books except it wasn’t fiction. This shit was really happening. It was really my life.
I was confused on what to do next. The tears were flowing and I could not stop them. I am not sure if I wanted to stop them. I wanted someone to be there with me to hold my hand, rub my back and tell me it would be ok. I wanted to be able to tell Dread that I was pregnant and he would tell me which decision to make. This is not how I imagined being pregnant. I was confused and alone and scared. I cried until I had finally cried myself to sleep. I was hoping that the answers to all of my questions would come to me in my dreams.
Chapter 29
The Boulevard
Largo, MD
I woke up with a nasty taste in my mouth. I felt a little better after sleeping for a few hours, but I still had no idea what I was going to do. The only thing I knew was that I was not going to do, and that was abort my baby. I’m way too strong to even think that having a baby would defeat me. My real issue was whether or not I should tell Dread that I was pregnant.
I made my way over to the window and peeked out around the cheap curtains. It had started to get dark outside. I decided that I would see what Neko had to say about becoming an uncle so I left my room and went next door to Neko’s room. I listened before knocking so I would not disturb anything he had going on. It sounded quiet so I decided to knock. I could hear him dragging himself across the floor. He must have checked the peep hole because he swung the door open wide and stepped to the side to let me in. I looked around the room half expecting to see the mystery chick I had bought condoms for to still be there. My guess was she was gone or Neko would have sent me packing. I took a seat on the foot of the newly made bed and Neko took a seat at the old desk that was across from the bed.
“So wassup?” He asked.
“I just wanted to tell you I got a lot going on right now Neko, and I need your help working all of this shit out. I went to the store today to buy a pregnancy test.” I paused to see if he was listening to me.
He was actually staring at me like I was going to tell him that I was in fact pregnant and it was his child.
I continued. “I took two of them, and they are positive. I am pregnant. That is why I have been so sick lately.” I blurted out.
I lowered my eyes feeling ashamed of what had happened. I should have known better than to fuck anyone without protection. I started to drift into my own thoughts when Neko moved over to where I was sitting and wrapped his arms around me.
“Awww…YaYa, that is great! I wonder what you are going to have. I wonder will the baby have our grey eyes. Will it look like Mom and Pop or will it look like the father?” His voice trailed off when I wasn’t giving him any responses.
“YaYa, are you ok with this? I mean are you thinking about having an abortion?” He asked.
I shook my head left to right. “No, I think I want to keep the baby. I just may be raising it on my own. I don’t think the father will be interested in having a baby with me. He barely even wanted to see me the last time we spoke.” I said with my voice shaking and with me on the verge of tears again.
“Don’t cry YaYa. I got you. All we need is each other. We can do this shit together. I don’t even see what you are fretting for. As long as this bread hits your account soon, we can bounce and then we can get you some pre-natal care. We gotta’ make sure we take care of my nephew!” He said excitedly.
Just hearing my brother being supportive made me feel a whole lot better about the situation. Neko hugged me tight.
“YaSheema, whatever we go through, we go through it together. I got your back.” He said. I felt so safe in my baby brother’s arms. I knew as long as we had each other we were going to make it through whatever storm came our way.
I was glad Neko was excited and ready for me to have a baby. I wasn’t so sure it was what I wanted. What did I have to offer the baby besides pretty eyes and a keen fashion sense? I was born of a ruthless hustler, and the only things he taught me were: sex, drugs, power, murder and mayhem. I knew one thing: my son or daughter would not be brought up to believe that was how they were supposed to live their lives. If they did, they would end up just like me. I looked over at Neko and he was still smiling. He was really excited about the baby thing.
“We have to decide where we are going to relocate too. We never put any real thought into it. That money from the insurance should be coming any day now, and the day it comes, we should already have a plan about where we are gonna’ go.” Neko said.
“I was thinking we could go someplace sunny and warm.” I finally said. I was feeling hopeful.
We tossed ideas back and forth about where we should go. I was set on Atlanta because it was far from DC and in the south, but it wasn’t really country like going to South Carolina. Atlanta was busy, just like DC yet with southern charm. Neko, on the other hand was thinking Texas, Florida or Louisiana. I was against all three. I wasn’t feeling Texas because I just kept thinking about cowboys and racist people who didn’t like rich black folks. I wasn’t going anywhere near Louisiana because of Hurricane Katrina. After she took aim on the Gulf Coast there was nothing in this world that could convince me that living in that state was safe. I was almost feeling Florida because of the heavy drug trade. I knew I could fit right in there and feel right at home, but the weather kept me from committing to Florida. They always had a storm or something brewing. So that shit was out too.
Neko and I sat up all night trying to figure out where we would go to live and raise the baby. We kicked around several ideas on what we wanted to do once we left here.
“I was thinking that if we settle in Atlanta I can set up a little boutique. I am sure I could learn those country, outdated hoes a thing or two.” I laughed.
“I could open a car detailing shop and make cake in the south. You know how those southern bammas like to keep their whips fresh. I mean I could hook them up with the candy and custom paint jobs, rims and everything.” Neko said daydreaming.
I sat back feeling good about the fact that we were mapping out our future and it had nothing to do with the drug scene. We were both eager to get the hell out of DC alive and not trying to establish a drug empire somewhere else. Although it was what I was taught to do, I just didn’t want any parts of it anymore. I had someone else to live for now. My mind drifted back to Dread. Atlanta was the place to be for aspiring artists, so I knew he may consider coming along. He had even said that his boy, Lucky Lamar, was based out of the A.
I was starting to feel at peace with all of the decisions I was making and I just wanted to hurry up and execute my plans. I rubbed my belly and said a silent prayer for my future and everyone in it.
Chapter 30
Crystal Skates
Temple Hills, MD
Time felt like it was moving slower than mo
lasses. I was growing restless. Neko and I had settled on moving to Atlanta. I was more than ready to go. Days had passed and still no money in my account from the insurance company. I had called them to confirm they had received all they needed to make the transfer happen. I had been on the phone with them for the past hour trying to get more information on when the money would be in the account. The lady finally told me that the funds had been approved and that the money should be available in the next seventy-two hours at the most. I thanked the lady who had given me the status update and disconnected the call.
I felt like I was making some progress. I sat in my room wondering if I should tell Dread that I was carrying his child. I also contemplated telling him where I was going. I already had it worked out in my head that he could continue his music career in Atlanta. Lucky Lamar was his ticket into the music scene there and he could record as much as he wanted once we got settled. That was the easiest part of my plan. The hard part was telling him that I was pregnant and it was his baby. I wasn’t sure how he would process that information. I figured it was now or never though. He could reject my idea of him coming south with us or he could embrace the idea. Either way, I was going to Atlanta and starting my life over. I just hoped he wanted to start a life with me.
I gathered myself and figured I should start packing up all of my belongings scattered about the room. I had kept the maids from coming inside my room because I know some of those shady bitches got sticky fingers. All it would take is for them to find out I had large amounts of cash in the room before they tried to help themselves to a pay raise. I didn’t see any reason to stay there another night. I had the confirmation I needed about our money. We could leave. We had more than enough cash on hand to make the trip to Georgia, and get settled. I needed to let Neko know that the money would be in my account in a few days and that we could push. I hadn’t really seen him much over the last three days. I was sure he was in his room freaking.
The walls in the run down hole in the wall were thin, so I could hear his late night escapades. He would stop over to my room to check on me every now and again to make sure “we” were ok. It was fine by me that he left me alone because I was frustrated and didn’t want to take it out on him.
This day was different though. I could almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. We would be headed 85 south real soon and away from all of the chaotic bullshit in DC. I perked up just thinking about not having to look over my shoulder every time I went out to the ice machine or to the store for snacks. I would be free of worrying about my “so called” sister trying to take my head off.
I decided to shower and get out of the room. I needed to get the conversation with Dread over with. There was no need to prolong it anymore. Either he was coming or he was not. Either he wanted the baby and to be a part of my life or he didn’t. No matter how it played out, I owed it to him to know he had a choice in some of everything that was going on. He deserved that much. I couldn’t see having a baby and not at least giving the father the option of being in the child’s life. I rummaged through my bags and found a pair of Love Pink sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and headed out of the door.
I was feeling better than I had in the past two days. I guess having some clarity could do that for you. I knocked on Neko’s room door. He didn’t answer. I knocked harder. I could finally hear him moving about the room. When the door opened I was shocked that it wasn’t Neko. It was female who was wrapped in a towel. She was obviously in the middle of a shower and I had disturbed her.
“Um, is Neko here?” I asked
The girl had the nerve to cock an attitude. She crossed her arms across her large chest and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, he’s here. Who are you?” She demanded snapping her neck and rolling her beady little eyes.
I just smiled and tried to remain civil. I really wanted to smack her for trying to be cute. “I’m his sister. Can you tell him that I have to step out and I will be back in a few hours.”
The girl looked like she didn’t believe me. “How I know you are really his sister?” She asked me in a huffy tone.
“If I wasn’t his sister I would have beat the shit out of you if I would have caught you in there with my man.” I said pointing into the room. “Just let him know I will be back and that he should be ready to make some moves when I come back. Can you handle delivering that message or should I write it down for you? You can read can’t you?” I shot back. I was trying to rile the stupid bitch up since she wanted to get cute.
She looked like she wanted to say something else, but I didn’t even give her the chance. I put my hand up in her face to stop her.
“Make sure you give him the message and be gone when I come back because you don’t want it with me for real.” I said chuckling. She just didn’t know I would punish her little ass.
I walked away from the dumbfounded broad standing in the doorway and proceeded down the steps to the car. I could hear her young dumb ass fussing and cursing at Neko as I got in the car. I sent Neko a message letting him know I would be back and that he should be ready to leave in the morning.
I knew he probably had his hands full with his big-breasted female friend, and he wasn’t going to get the message until he could calm her down. I decided I wanted to buy a few things for the road. I went to a Walmart that was located further up the street. I bought a cooler and some new luggage. I got the kind that had a lock on it. I wanted to transfer the money we had in cash into the luggage and lock it away inside. I wanted to pull out of DC looking like we were going on vacation rather than looking like we were fleeing.
I bought a few personal items too and stopped to look in the beauty section. I had never shopped in Walmart. It wasn’t exactly my normal style, but I couldn’t help grabbing up some hair dye. I would change my whole appearance, hair color and all. I may as well switch it up. I was moving to a new area, I might as well change what I look like too. I picked out a spicy cinnamon color. I walked through the baby aisle and could not move from there. I looked around at all the bottles and booties. I looked at the blankets and all of the things I was going to have to purchase when I got to Atlanta.
I started to wonder what I had created. Was it a girl or boy? Would it be healthy? Would I be a good mother? Then it hit me. I wasn’t supposed to be shopping I was supposed to be leaving so I could live long enough to know what I would be having. I pushed the cart down the aisle and headed to the register to pay for my items. I paid for my things and left. As I got in the car, I started making one of my last trips across the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. I didn’t have to put any thought into where I was headed. I crossed the bridge and headed up 295 to the Southside.
It was time. It was time for me to tell Dread. I couldn’t stall or conceal this secret from him anymore. I had too many other little secrets, but this one was different. I couldn’t keep it from him. I found myself parked in front of his building again. My palms were sweaty and I was nervous. No matter how much I had prepared myself for our needed conversation, I really wasn’t ready to have it. I sat there fighting the urge to say fuck it, crank up the engine, leave and never look back. I felt like I was chained to the seat. I can’t explain why I didn’t just go in there and tell him; instead I sat there in what felt like the safety of my car. No one knew I had switched rides. The windows were tinted just enough so no one could see inside. I fumbled through my purse and found a pen and a piece of paper. I wrote Dread a letter instead.
Dear Dread,
There are so many things I want to tell you. I know the circumstances surrounding my life may have complicated what could have been. I will understand if after you read this, you never want to speak to or see me again.
I have been careless and wreckless my entire life. I have lived carefree and done many things I am not proud of; however, after meeting you I may have found a reason to stay on the straight and narrow.
I have finally decided on heading south. I know you aren’t ready to leave your life here in D
C behind, but you have created a life within me. I found out I am pregnant. This is a lot to take in, I know. I could not keep this from you. Every child deserves the right to know his or her parents. I hope you can forgive me for telling you this way, but I could not face you to tell you this. I couldn’t take either sadness or rejection. Nor could I take you being the man I think you are and face you if you were happy about this life we have created together.
I am putting the ball in your court. I will contact you once I make it to Georgia. By then, I pray that you have digested all I have told you and make a decision on what could be the start of something beautiful.
Love Always,
YaYa
I finished the letter and folded it. I knew if I second guessed myself, I would chicken out and not take it to his door. I walked out into the courtyard with my head down, hoping no one, including Dread, would pay me any attention. I slipped inside his building and up the steps. I crept the whole way. I felt like my heart was beating so hard it would burst through my chest. Once I reached his door, I swallowed hard. It was now or never. I could knock and tell him face to face or I could slide the note under the door to his apartment and haul ass down the steps and push it back across the bridge, grab my brother and get the fuck out of the DMV. I decided on the latter of the two and quietly slide the letter under the door and silently made my way back down the steps. I never looked back. I walked straight out of the front door and had to stop myself from making a run for it to the car. Instead, I walked briskly to the car like I had somewhere to be and got in the car and got out of there as fast as I could.
I blew through the stop sign at the end of the block. My heart rate didn’t return to semi-normal until I got to the mouth of the Wilson Bridge. I took the first exit across the bridge and pulled into the first place I saw. I was shaking and breathing heavy like I had run across the bridge instead of driven. I got out and threw up. This pregnancy shit was going to be rough.
