by Far Freedom
“They all did.”
“They don’t understand, Sunny. They’re too young.”
Sunny’s father: a highly forbidden subject. Why was she mentioning his existence? Again, I couldn’t get my question out fast enough, if I even dared ask it. Aylis came beside us and put her arms around us. She made us stop walking.
“Hold still for a moment.”
“I hate - ” The lower-level corridor disappeared and the commons appeared. ” - gate travel!”
We walked toward the apartments by the lake with Aylis shushing me every time I tried to ask a question. I was trying to be brave for Sunny’s sake, and for my own sake. I couldn’t bear to have Sunny think I wasn’t trying to solve his mysteries for him. I gave up. All I could think about anyway was the possibility my son would die. Sunny walked too slowly, and I didn’t want to think about why, nor did I want to pull him along.
“Sunny won’t die if I have anything to say about it. I’ll put him in stasis if I must, until I determine what will stop his slide. So, don’t be so upset. “
“Sunny is eight years old!” I was unable to retain my composure in the face of such terror. Sunny was all I had! “Have you made any progress in that amount of time?”
“I’ve eliminated several avenues of research,” Aylis answered defensively.
“That’s all?”
“I don’t have much help on the Freedom! Most of my staff has left for very important tasks in barbarian space. I’m not a one-woman research juggernaut, as many might believe. I need help. If you want to put on the knowledge cap and learn all you can about molecular biology, then you can help me.”
“I will!”
“Good! And Sunny isn’t the only task that was set before me. It was no simple matter to put you back together. Of course, I had Mai’s help.”
I didn’t say anything as my mind was assaulted by one of the few facts about my history I was told. It still terrorized my imagination to think I was kept chilled for more than half a millennium, my brain just warm enough to interface with hardware that gave it power to do incredible and horrific things.
“Are you sorry we did put you back together?”
“I’m not sorry I’m Sunny’s mother.”
“What was my real mother like?” Sunny asked. He must have sensed he might finally get an answer. The most mysterious extinct alien.
“Sunny, we’re going to talk about your parents tonight,” Aylis said. “And also remember the others who died. I’ve wanted to have a second remembrance for a long time.”
How could I now feel both apprehensive and cautiously curious? “Is that why you came looking for Sunny and me?”
“To make sure you attended.” Aylis punched me for emphasis, trying to short-circuit my nerves and calm me.
“Why didn’t someone warn me?”
“Because I threatened everyone to silence, or else. Why would I want to give you a chance to escape?”
I sighed. I could have shuddered. I saw torture ahead.
“I want to see them,” Sunny said. “Are there pictures of them?”
“We have some beautiful pictures of your parents, Sunny. You and Milly weren’t told much about them. That will change tonight. Your father even wrote a journal for you to read. I wanted to wait until you were older to give it to you.”
We rounded the apartment block along the path to the lake shore. The fake sun had started its descent over the lake, painting the clouds with glowing colors. Many people had gathered by the lake, picnicking on the grass near the shore. I saw people standing and sitting on the patio of the apartment next to mine, the one that remained vacant for the last eight years. As we came closer I recognized everyone. As they saw us they stood and awaited our arrival. Sunny walked slowly. I was in no hurry to be subjected to what my fear made me imagine.
Oddly, I felt calmer as every person on the patio greeted me as though it was such a special event that I was in attendance. Perhaps it was. I always stayed away from any and all parties and gatherings. I was a social misfit at the least, a disaster at the most.
“Sunny-san!”
Sunny gathered himself to respond to Koji Hoshino. “Koji-san!”
Koji was Sunny’s favorite. Sunny left me for Koji and was soon surrounded by his many admirers, even the other kids who were jealous of him. Koji was also my favorite. He was so peaceful and undemanding. I knew he was part of my therapy but I wondered if he had some special feelings for me. Time would tell. We had lots of time.
Aylis pulled me into the apartment and away from everyone. I knew something more was wrong. I knew it would be about Sunny. I almost resisted her tugging. I would have called for help but I hated to draw attention to myself.
“I want to tell you a couple of things in private, Milly.” She let me have it, before I could put my hands over my ears. “First, Sunny needs to go into stasis as soon as possible.”
“Why? He isn’t that bad. Just tired.” Oh God, oh God! Why not just slap me further down with another great piece of news? That would make the gathering even happier.
“There’s a significant possibility of a sudden collapse of one of his systems.” Aylis was holding onto my upper arms, as though that would make any difference in my comprehension. “I don’t want to put him in stasis in critical condition. It complicates the procedure when we take him out of stasis to treat him.”
I sat down and had a cry. I knew I was not brave enough for what lay ahead. Then I thought: It isn ‘t Sunny I’m crying for, it’s me. I stopped.
“The second thing I have to say is, you’ll meet someone very special tonight. When he touches you, you’ll remember.”
“Meet someone? Remember? Who? What?”
“You’ll remember everything. Think about that while you learn some history tonight.”
The proceedings began in a most peculiar way. A thing appeared in our midst, obviously arriving by use of a gate. It scared me, until Aylis assured me it was not only intelligent but friendly. It was a Gatekeeper and it was named Shorty. It presented itself as a twelve-sided geometric solid. (I had to count the sides and judge its precision.) It was actually beautiful, in a mineral sort of way. But it was too close and I could feel the heat it radiated.
The necklace Aylis wore stopped being a necklace, raced down her arm, did a snaky dive onto the patio, and attached itself to the Gatekeeper.
Aylis didn’t seem disturbed by these fantastic creatures, until Shorty began to change its shape. It slowly extruded limbs and a head and became a sparkling dark silhouette of a human. The little one made a necklace of itself again, barely visible around the neck of Shorty. Shorty was no longer short.
“Am I disturbing you?” Shorty stopped to ask. “I feel self-conscious. I was expressing a human sentiment which might not be appropriate now.”
“It will be soon,” Aylis said mysteriously. “Welcome to our gathering, Shorty. You surprise me and delight me!”
Shorty found a place to rest where he wouldn’t cook anything important.
Aylis was a cruel woman, so cruel that she held me all through the hard parts of the evening - which is to say all evening. I learned many things I hadn’t wanted to learn. Why did they wait so long to assault me with this? Because they lived a long time. They were almost never in a hurry to do anything. Except put Sunny in stasis.
Person after person stood up and spoke at length, telling personal anecdotes and explaining the history and importance of one or more of the deceased.
Jon Horss began the merry wake with the story of his meeting a boy named Samson and an admiral named Fidelity Demba on a deserted African plain, nine years ago. I never heard the story before but I knew it was important. Why did I never learn of Samson? Who was he? Why did the admiral so love him? Where was he now? The implication was that he was dead. Was he the same child killed by a barbarian?
Setek talked about a person named Alexandros Gerakis. He was not his usual objective and factual self. He had passion; I always knew he did. It was strang
e to remember how alien I thought Setek was in the beginning. I learned how deeply Setek cared for Gerakis. Then he spoke of his younger son Pan. He almost made it to the end without losing his composure. I felt badly for him, knowing how he valued his self-control, yet he didn’t appear embarrassed.
Koji spoke in a more general way, telling the overall story of the barbarians and the actions of their group to counter them. They murdered his wife. He killed so many barbarians! I couldn’t imagine Koji harming anyone.
Jamie Jones was the daughter of Alexandros and Zakiya. She spoke almost angrily about their deaths in attempting to stop the Lady in the Mirror. Jamie’s anger turned to grief, forcing her to stop. Our children played together all these years and she remained distant from me. I always accepted the silence and distance from Jamie as my due, for having been who I was, for having caused her grief.
At that point, it became too difficult for me to endure the eulogizing. Pieces of the story were fitting together. Dead people were haunting me. Aylis squeezed me harder as I tried to leave. Sunny came and sat next to me and held my hand.
Admiral Igor Khalanov (“Call me Iggy!”) gave a passionate account of his life with Admiral Demba and his former life with Zakiya Muenda. He finished with a eulogy of his first wife Ana.
Phuti Mende spoke of their careers in Deep Space Fleet and the forbidden attraction he always noted between Alex and Zakiya, and between Aylis and Setek.
Patrick Jenkins tried to tell about the funny things that happened, tried to lighten everyone’s mood, and then began to cry.
Direk told the story of the dead androids who sat at the corner of the patio. They weren’t androids, they were spontaneous autonomous machine intelligences - sentient persons born by chance from complex computer programming. Freddy spawned his own child in the android named Fred. Both died in the assault on the Lady in the Mirror. Freddy saved billions of lives by disarming some kind of doomsday machine left behind by the Lady in the Mirror. I don’t know why, but the death of Freddy was very poignant to me, and made me quite sad.
As if sensing our sadness, Direk took up the challenge to raise our spirits. He told about a part of his life playing bass in a trio of jazz performers. I was amazed at his story and at my reaction to it. I could almost breathe again. I could almost remember a time when I could smile.
Aylis spoke last, still sitting beside me. “Before we get to the part Sunny wants to hear, let me tell you about another young man none of you knew. Like Milly and Sunny, like Zakiya and Samson, we were mother and son.” That caused a stir. “I was not his biological mother. I was not even me. I was, as he put it, the terror of his life. I made impossible demands of him. He did as I demanded because I threatened to send his mother in his place. Zakiya was his mother.”
“Aylis?” Jamie stood up and took a step toward Aylis. I wondered what all of this meant.
“Your brother, Jamie. Zelda’s father.”
“But why do you call him your son? He was your rapist!”
“I raised Petros. I took him from Zakiya. My duplicate acted as I would have and I share most of her memories, so I feel responsible. Petros worked for the Clinic for many years, helping to spread its locations throughout the Union. He also managed our secret research facilities, where we made Direk’s copies. Where we made him and his mother very formidable. Then, for some reason, we felt that something else needed to be done. Someone needed to try to penetrate the barbarian ranks through the Navy. Petros volunteered, because he was afraid I would ask his mother to do it if he didn’t. I don’t think I had any moral or logical reason to do what I did to Petros, even though the outcome became vital to our success. I’m sure Petros - as Etrhnk - didn’t understand the feelings he had for me. Like many of us, he didn’t remember who he was. He gave more than any of us. He lost more than any of us.”
“How could he…”
“Jamie. Please. Don’t hate him.”
“I don’t want to hate him, Aylis. But I don’t understand why you kept this from everyone.”
“I was ashamed. I’m still ashamed. But I don’t want us to remember Petros as anything less than the hero he was.”
Jamie sat down next to Direk and leaned against him.
Aylis waited until she could regain composure. I could feel her trembling as she held onto me. I realized I might be as much comfort to her as she was to me. Aylis took a deep breath and continued. “Sunny, here is a picture of your mother and father.”
A hologram appeared in our midst. As curious as I was, I avoided looking directly at it. Sunny released my hand and got up. My eyes followed him as he walked up to the images and circled them. Perhaps my fear and anxiety were dulled by the barrage of emotion-charged speeches and facts incriminating to my unremembered past. I was able to let my eyes be attracted to the radiantly golden image of Jessie, Sunny’s mother. She was beautiful. I don’t know what I felt at seeing her, perhaps many things, all summing to a powerful force. I began to shake. Aylis again tightened her hold on me.
Then I saw him. Sunny’s father. He was Korean. How did I know that? I shook harder. Both Mai and Nori came over to help Aylis hold me.
“This is too much for her!” Nori complained.
“She can do it,” Aylis decreed.
“She knows who he is,” Mai said.
I did not know who he was! I did not know why I was reacting so strongly! I was upset that I was so ignorant and so out of control. Everyone was looking at me, perhaps entertained by my distress. No, that was wrong. They cared about me, perhaps the cruel Aylis most of all. I breathed heavily and deeply until I became calmer.
“Do you know why these people affect you so greatly, Milly?”
“Probably because I killed them,” I answered miserably.
“We don’t think you did. Do you remember that?”
“No!”
“Perhaps their existence and their death will always be a threat to Sunny’s love for you.”
“That isn’t fair! I’ll love Sunny no matter how he feels about me. Are you going to tell me the real reason I can’t bear to look at them ? “
“The real reason? I wouldn’t presume to know. Perhaps it depends on who you are, Milly. You don’t know who you are.”
“I’m Sunny’s mother!”
“In every practical sense, yes. I should say it differently. You don’t know who you were. But we know who you were.”
“There are no records! I never existed! As far as I know, Earth didn’t exist!”
“Your name is Millicent DuPont Lee,” Aylis stated confidently. “You were born July first, nineteen fifty-five, in a military hospital in Washington DC. You were what they called an Army brat and lived in many different places. You attended Princeton University. The year before you earned your doctorate degree in mathematics you had a nearly fatal automobile accident and became a paraplegic. When you returned to college you met your future husband.”
This was all news to me, but it was like a lot of the cute little English idioms and phrases that kept popping into my head. It was interesting but I lacked the background history to have it mean anything. Did I really want to remember my parents and any brothers and sisters I might have had? Did I really want to remember what it was like to live in the 20th century? Did I really want even more heartache to add to what I feared must come?
Aylis looked over at the hologram of Sunny’s parents. I didn’t follow her gaze, didn’t wish to restart my tremors. Sunny ran back to me and took my hand, tugging on me.
“Look at them, Mom! They’re wonderful! Are there more pictures?”
The hologram changed. I closed my eyes. I heard an audible reaction, perhaps a sigh of sadness, from many in the group around us.
“The family portrait, the day they left us,” Aylis said.
I tried to look quickly, just a glance, but I was trapped. They were seated before us, with Jessie holding a tiny golden baby. It was Sunny, just as I remembered him the first time I saw him. They were trying to smile but I could see
their hearts were breaking. They knew they would never see their child again. I don’t think many of those gathered here tonight had seen this image, or if they had, it renewed its impact on them.
“How do you know who I am?” I asked.
I spoke softly. Aylis leaned closer, as if to whisper back. “He told us.”
“Who?”
“Samuel Lee. Sunny’s father. Your husband.”
My husband? Not Sunny’s mother’s husband? I looked at him again. I was so brave. I looked away. I looked at my hand holding Sunny’s hand. My mind was momentarily stuck. My eyes hurt from crying. My nose was running. Mai and Nori, as it turned out, came well supplied with tissues.
“He was my husband? Sunny’s father?”
“I suppose I can’t make you feel any worse than I already have, but this image was made the day they set out to find you, Milly, to rescue you.”
“Why did she leave her baby?” It was all I could think. I couldn’t imagine ever giving up Sunny. How could she?
“Jessie was the most extraordinary person you could ever meet, Milly. I won’t tell you much about her right now. She was an immortal being who came to love your husband more than life.”
How petty of me to think about living in the shadow of this beautiful alien saint for the rest of my life. How typically human of me to feel jealousy. I was surprised I could feel anything more, I was so overwrought. All I could do was keep breathing and lean on Aylis.
“We had so little time with them.” Aylis sighed.
“Are you ready?” Mai asked Aylis.
“Yes, Mai. As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Ready for what? ” Jamie asked.
“Jamie, as you must know, I’m very good at keeping secrets. Just wait.”
Mai walked away into the apartment. She returned shortly leading a boy about ten years old by the hand. He had a shy yet mischievous smile, as though he had played a joke on everyone. He looked at everyone’s faces and everyone looked at him with utter astonishment. Then he stopped to gaze at the hologram of Samuel Lee and Jessie. Everyone waited in complete silence.
The boy glanced at Sunny and me briefly before returning his attention to the holographic image. He seemed familiar. He spoke. “He was my father?”
