by Street, K.
I reached for something to say, some sort of justification, but found none.
“You need to pull your shit together.” His words stung.
“You don’t get to judge me.” I wanted to tell him to mind his own damn business. I wanted to know exactly what made him an expert on the subject.
“I’m not judging you.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, Saylor, I’m not. However, I am worried about you.” The concern was evident on his face.
I dropped my head, stared into my cup, and whispered, “I know.”
He crossed the space between us, slipped an arm around my shoulders, and pulled me into his chest. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I wish I could fix it, but I can’t. He isn’t coming back.”
My body went rigid.
Unable to hold back, I asked, “Don’t you think I know that?” I pushed against him.
My brother just hugged me tighter. “You’re still here.”
Why are his words so hard to hear? Didn’t I just give myself a version of the same speech?
“Some days, I wish—”
“Do not finish that sentence.” His tone was sharp, but I didn’t miss the fear underneath it.
Silence fell between us, and after a few minutes, I was the one who broke it.
“I keep waiting for it to get easier,” I whispered.
“It’s going to take time.”
Time. I hate that damn word.
“I need to start looking for a job. And Knox needs to be around other kids.”
“I might be able to help with the employment aspect.”
“Really?” I asked. “How so?”
Before he could give me more details, Knox’s voice rang out. “Mom-mee. Mommy?” A hint of panic was in his voice.
Before I could get up, Easton called out, “In the kitchen, buddy.”
“I w-want Mommy.”
“I’ll get him,” Easton said.
Seconds later, he reappeared, holding Knox.
I stood and opened my arms. “Good morning, little man.”
Knox reached for me, his bottom lip quivering. “I waked up. You were all gone.”
Correcting his speech had become second nature to me, but it died on the tip of my tongue when his arms wrapped around me as he buried his face in my neck.
Emotion burned my nose. “Shh. It’s all right.” I rubbed small circles on his back and tried not to break. “Mommy just needed a cup of coffee. Are you hungry?”
He nodded.
Easton tousled Knox’s hair. “Do you like pancakes?”
His head remained on my shoulder, but he turned toward his uncle and nodded again.
“You want to help me make breakfast while your mom takes a shower? We can put chocolate chips in the pancakes.”
“Hey.” I set Knox on the counter but held on to him. “Look at me.”
He lifted his head.
“You can help Uncle East, and after I have a shower and we eat breakfast, we can go to the park. How does that sound?”
“Can Rex come, too?”
I laughed. “Yes, Rex can come, too.”
“And Uncle East?”
“Yes. Uncle East, too.”
“Go on. I’ve got him,” Easton said.
“I’ll make it quick.” I lifted Knox off the counter and set him on his feet.
“Take your time.”
“Thank you … for everything,” I said and strode out of the kitchen.
Four
Saylor
“Be careful and play nice,” I told Knox.
He tugged on my hand. “Come, Mommy.”
“I’m going to talk to Uncle East. I’ll be right where you can see me.”
He scanned the area, searching for something.
I felt another tug on my hand.
“Sit at the table.”
I followed his line of sight to a blue plastic-coated picnic table. “I will. I promise.”
After he got my blessed assurance, Knox dropped my hand and made a beeline for the slide, Rex smacking against his leg as he went.
Easton chuckled beside me as we followed Knox across the grass to the playground.
“He’s a great kid.”
“Thanks.”
After a beat, he asked, “Were you serious about finding a job?”
“It’s time. Besides, it would be good for me.”
“You should come work for me.”
“What?” I choked.
“Why not?”
“For starters, you’re overbearing and bossy, and you don’t play well with others.”
East clutched his heart as though my words had wounded him. “That hurts, kid.”
“It’s true. Remember the time I beat you at Monopoly? You put toothpaste in my conditioner bottle. My eyes watered for a week.”
He chuckled. “I remember. Mom threatened to take my keys for a month.” He bumped my shoulder. “Relax. I’ve matured since then.”
We sat backward on the bench part of the picnic table, facing the play equipment.
I kept my eyes on Knox and the little girl he’d started playing with while I mulled over my brother’s offer.
Working for him would have its perks, I supposed. If anything came up with Knox or he got sick, I’d be able to take care of him. That would be nearly impossible, starting over at a new company. I didn’t even know if there were any accounting firms in Maplewood Falls. I hadn’t thought much beyond the move.
“What would the job entail?”
Easton had a degree in civil engineering and owned his own firm. While he focused on structural design, he dabbled in real estate development and had recently flipped a few properties. He also acted as a consultant on several projects with the city of Atlanta.
I was a numbers girl, and I didn’t know anything about buying and selling properties or flipping houses. I couldn’t draw a stick figure with a damn ruler, so I wasn’t sure how I’d fit in at his company.
“Crunching numbers mostly. You’d also act as my assistant when needed, deal with payroll and bookkeeping. That sort of thing.”
I turned my gaze to him. “Do I have to get you coffee?”
“Well, as my assistant, that would be part of your job.”
“No deal.”
“I’m kidding. Think about it. Just know you’ll have your work cut out for you. I hired a temp from an agency, but she required micromanaging, and I didn’t have the time for it. Having her there created more work. Not less.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Molly screwed me in more ways than one.” He said her name like it left a bad taste in his mouth.
My poor brother, the cliché. Molly had been his assistant.
“I’m sorry.”
He raised a brow at me. “For what?”
“For being so caught up in my grief. I should have tried harder to be there for you.”
“Stop.”
“What happened between you two anyway?”
My eyes darted back to the massive playset. Knox and his little friend were stomping back and forth on the clatter bridge.
East leaned forward. Legs apart and forearms braced on his knees. He didn’t look at me when he said, “To be perfectly honest, I have no fucking idea.” Aware that little ears were around, he kept his voice low.
I hadn’t known Molly well. She and East had had a whirlwind romance. He’d hired her straight out of college. Molly was more than nine years younger than my brother. I wanted to claw her eyeballs out for hurting him.
“Have you heard from her?”
“Nope. Not directly. Can you believe she listed me as a job reference?” He shook his head in disbelief.
“Damn. She’s ballsy. I have to give her that.”
“Right? Hell, I’m almost proud.”
“You miss her.”
His mask slipped and I saw his pain.
“Every damn day,” he mumbled so low that I almost missed it.
Before I could co
mment, Knox hollered from his perch, “Mommy, I wanna swing.”
I stood and then gave Easton’s shoulder a squeeze. “Duty calls.”
The wind kicked up, and children’s laughter hit my ears as I made my way to the slide where Knox was headed.
He plopped down at the top, wearing his father’s smile. “Catch Rex.” He let his dragon go, and before the stuffed toy reached the end, Knox lay on his belly, sliding face-first. “Now, me.”
I held his hands while he found his footing.
“That was fun,” he shrieked.
His little hand slipped in mine, and we walked toward the swings.
“Next time, go down on your bottom.”
“Okay,” he agreed sweetly.
I shoved Rex into the deep front pocket of my jacket and lifted Knox onto the swing. “Hold on tight.”
He wrapped his little fingers around the chains.
Standing behind him, I gave a gentle push.
Knox chattered away.
A few minutes passed, and then he was ready to get down and move on to something else.
I crouched down to his level, met his gaze, and held his hands. “Five more minutes, and then we need to go.”
“Okay.” He nodded. Then, his eyes went wide, and his mouth made a perfect O. He looked around, almost frantic. “I need Rex.”
I stood, pulled the dragon out of my pocket, and gave him to Knox.
Knox went back to the slide, and I walked toward Easton, who was on his cell.
He hung up and offered me a smile. “Mom and Dad are coming over tomorrow.”
“Oh?”
“Dad wants to watch the game. I thought we could grill out.”
The look on my face told him how overjoyed I was at the idea.
“What’s with the face?” His smile erased the heaviness of our earlier conversation. “It will be fine. You know they’ve been chomping at the bit to see Knox anyway.”
“I know. I’m surprised they’ve held off this long.”
“Me, too. I’ll get Knox, and then we’ll hit the grocery store on the way back to the house.” Easton got up and strode over to my little boy.
I watched my brother play with my son. As much as the sight of the two of them made my heart melt, it also hurt.
Colin should be here.
The single thought ran constantly through my head like a record that refused to quit skipping.
Five
Saylor
The knife clacked against the cutting board as I sliced an onion for the burgers.
Easton was outside, getting the grill ready while keeping an eye on Knox.
I glanced at the clock on the microwave. Our parents would be here any minute.
Just then, the doorbell rang, as if the single thought had conjured their appearance. I quickly washed my hands, wiped them on a dish towel, and then headed to answer the door.
“Hey,” I greeted.
My gaze landed on a broad chest and traveled upward to a face I hadn’t seen in years.
All six feet two inches of him. His eyes were blue—not ordinary blue, but middle-of-the-ocean blue. Jase’s dirty-blond hair was trimmed short on the sides and a bit longer on top. I’d had the biggest crush on him when I was a kid.
He had always been off-limits. Not only because he was my brother’s best friend, but he was also six years older than me. When I was in the bowels of hell—also known as middle school—Jase and Easton graduated high school. He didn’t even know I was alive back then. Nothing more than his best friend’s little sister. And I was reminded of that every time he made fun of my socks or tugged my ponytail whenever he was around. Jase Turner hadn’t known I was alive at all … until that one summer when I was sixteen and Jase was twenty-two.
I hadn’t thought about it in years, yet I still found myself slightly mortified. The younger version of myself had had more moxie; that was for sure.
I dressed in my bikini and a pair of denim shorts because I was supposed to meet my best friend, Lindsey, at the lake, but I wasn’t allowed to go until I folded the towels and swept the floor. “First Time” by Lifehouse blared through the earbuds connected to my iPod. Since I was the only one home, I sang at the top of my voice.
I finished the laundry and carried the basket from the utility room, so I could put it away. I made it as far as the living room when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.
“Ahhh!” The scream ripped from my throat like I was being murdered. The basket toppled over, and my earbuds were yanked from my ears.
“Holy shit! Jase.”
“Damn, Socks. I didn’t mean to scare you. The car was in the driveway, and I knocked, but nobody answered.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I didn’t hear you. I was listening to music.”
“I can see that.” He chuckled. “I heard it, too.”
Kill me now, I thought.
“What are you doing here anyway?”
“I’m supposed to meet your brother. We’re leaving this afternoon to go camping.”
“That’s right; I forgot. I can’t believe you guys are driving to Yellowstone.” Being trapped in a car on a cross-country road trip didn’t appeal to me in the least. “I’m not sure when Easton will be home.”
“He should be here in twenty minutes or so.”
I knelt to gather the mess.
“Let me help you.” Jase dropped onto his knees.
We reached for one of the towels at the same time.
Our faces were mere inches apart. He smelled so good.
A shiver of awareness moved through my body. My face heated. I swallowed hard and lifted my eyes.
Our gazes locked. Blue against blue but completely different shades. Mine were the color of the sky on a clear summer day. His were a deeper blue.
“Jase.” His name was barely a whisper when it fell from my lips.
“Socks.”
Neither of us moved. My heart pounded so loudly inside my chest that I was certain he could hear it.
Kiss me, I silently begged.
My tongue darted out, licking my lips.
I had wanted to kiss my brother’s best friend since I was thirteen years old. A chance like this only came around once in a lifetime. Sometimes, a girl just had to take what she wanted. Before I could chicken out, I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and planted a chaste kiss on Jase’s mouth.
It took less than a second for me to be completely mortified by my actions. I covered my face with my hands.
“Saylor.” Jase’s tone was soft. Not angry.
But he’d called me Saylor. And I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.
I couldn’t look at him. I was humiliated.
“It’s okay. Look at me.”
I couldn’t, and I wished more than anything that I could disappear.
“Please look at me.”
I finally dropped my hands, but I couldn’t look at him. “I’m so embarrassed, and I’m really sorry.” Nope. That was a lie. “Actually, I’m not sorry. Not really. I’ve had the biggest crush on you for so long. But you’re so much older than me, and you’re Easton’s best friend. I’ve thought about kissing you forever. And, now, I feel like an idiot, and I really want a hole to open up in the floor and swallow me.” I threw a hand over my mouth. Too late. The words were already out there. I’d spewed them like a kid who had indulged in too many hot dogs and too much funnel cake at the county fair.
Jase laughed softly, taking my embarrassment to the next level.
“That’s just great. Now, you’re laughing at me.” I wanted to strangle him.
“I’m not. I promise. Come on; I’ll help you clean up the mess.”
“You don’t have to help. I’ve got it,” I huffed.
I folded the two towels that had gotten messed up, stuffed them in the basket, and carried it to the bathroom without so much as a glance back.
After I put the towels away, I went into my bedroom to freak out without an audience.
“Socks?” Jase knocked lightly on my open bedroom door. “Can we talk?”
Apparently, I wasn’t capable of a proper teenage meltdown because I couldn’t even remember to slam the door. I knew I was being a tad dramatic, but this was worse than running onto the football field, naked, during halftime at homecoming. Not that I had ever done that.
“Say?”
The last thing I wanted to do was talk about how I’d just made a fool of myself. My face smashed into the pillow, so my words were muffled.
“Sorry, I missed that. Maybe try not talking into the pillow.”
I rolled over and stared up at the ceiling as I repeated myself, “I said, I’ve had enough humiliation for one day, so I’ll pass.”
He walked to the side of my bed and reached out his hand. “Come here.”
I groaned but placed my palm in his, allowing him to pull me to my feet.
His gaze met mine. “You’re beautiful and kind and smart.”
“And I’m your best friend’s kid sister. I get it, Jase. Can we please stop talking about it?” I pulled my hand from his.
“That isn’t what I was going to say.”
“It’s not?” I quizzically looked at him.
“Have you ever been kissed, Socks?”
“No.” It wasn’t the truth. I had been kissed, but I tried to block it out. However, something made me want to tell Jase the truth. “I mean, there was this guy, Eric, last year. I’m not sure you could call it a kiss. It was gross. Like all teeth and spit and incredibly awkward.”
Jase laughed. “That bad, huh?”
“It was pretty awful.” I laughed, too.
“Give it time. Someone will come along and sweep you off your feet.”
“I feel like such an idiot.” Any second now, smoke would rise from the floor due to the holes I was staring into it.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. I’m sorry about before.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Jase kissed my forehead and walked toward my bedroom door. “Saylor?” He glanced at me over his shoulder.
“Yeah?”
“If only you were older.”
