by Street, K.
He cautiously eyed me as I entered the kitchen, still wearing the old button-down of Colin’s and a pair of sweatpants that I had slept in.
I walked to the coffeepot and then opened the cabinet above it, reaching for a mug. “I’m going to keep Knox home today.” I poured the steaming liquid from the pot Easton had already made into my cup before replacing the pot.
“I can stay home and hang out if you need me to.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it, but I think I want to spend the day with just Knox.”
“You’re sure?”
I moved to the refrigerator for the creamer and poured some into my coffee and put it back. Then, I turned to face Easton. “I’m sure. We’ll be fine. I promise.”
“Take care, kid. Call me if you need me.”
“I will.”
Easton strolled out the front door, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Halfway through my mug of coffee, I decided to take down the Christmas decorations while Knox slept.
I put on my slippers and went into the garage to retrieve the boxes for the ornaments I had bought that day with Jase.
Suddenly, I realized I never texted him back on Christmas, and I almost felt bad. Thinking about Jase on today of all days seemed wrong, so I pushed him out of my mind, went back inside, and focused on the task at hand. One by one, I took the decorations off the tree and put them into their respective boxes as my mind wandered.
It had been barely three months since we moved to Maplewood Falls, and maybe it was time for Knox and me to get a place of our own. I loved the area, and I wanted to stay close to family. Colin and I had lived in Charlotte because of his job, but we hadn’t really had a support system there. My family had only been three hours away, but making spur-of-the-moment plans was impossible with the distance. I needed my family now more than ever, and I liked it here. Knox loved being outdoors, and when the weather warmed up, there would be so much for him to do. The more I thought about it, the more I grew attached to the idea.
By the time I finished taking the tree down and tidying up the house, it was almost nine. I showered, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and wove my hair into a side braid. I heard my phone and walked into my bedroom to grab it from the bedside table.
It was Jase. I sent the call to voice mail and then sent him an I’m okay text. I knew he was worried about me, but I just wanted to focus on my little man and getting through today.
Knox still wasn’t up, so I decided to wake him.
I twisted the knob and pushed open the bedroom door.
He started to stir as I took a seat next to him on the mattress.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.”
“Morning, Mommy.”
“Are you ready to get up?”
He shook his head. “I wanna stay with you.”
“Well, little man, you aren’t going to school today.”
“I am not?” His mouth fell open in surprise.
“Nope. I’m going to take you out for an adventure.”
He scurried from under the covers and found Rex in his tangle of sheets. “Hear that, Rex? We a going on a venture.” He jumped up and down on his bed without a care in the world.
For a second, a twinge of guilt twisted my gut.
When was the last time Knox was this happy? This carefree?
“Dude, enough with the jumping.” I reached for him, pulling him onto my lap. “We have to get you dressed, and then we’re going out for breakfast.”
“Then, what?”
I didn’t have that figured out yet because I hadn’t planned beyond breakfast. “It’s a surprise.” It was always my default answer when I didn’t have a plan.
“Yes.” His hand shot into the air.
“All right, you need to get dressed.”
He slid off my lap, and I helped him get ready.
Before long, we loaded up. With Knox buckled into his car seat, I climbed behind the wheel of my SUV and backed out of the driveway.
Nearly twenty minutes later, we pulled into the parking lot of The Stack Shack, a retro diner situated near the edge of Maplewood Falls. I had something special in mind for breakfast, and this was the only place in town I thought might be able to accommodate such a request.
I got out, went around to Knox’s side, and opened the door. He was getting more and more independent, so I patiently waited while he unfastened the straps and jumped down onto the blacktop.
He slipped his hand in mine, and together, we walked up the ramp leading to the entrance.
I tugged open the shiny silver glass doors and stepped over the threshold. Black-and-white-checkered tile covered the floor. Red booths with white tables ran along one wall. A long black countertop with red round stools separated the cooking and dining area. It really was like being transported back in time.
A woman who looked to be in her mid-seventies stood behind the counter. She was dressed in a vintage red-and-white waitress uniform, complete with a half-apron. Her beehive hair was accentuated by a red silk headscarf. “Come on in. Have a seat anywhere you’d like.”
“Mommy”—Knox tugged on my hand—“can we sit up there?” He pointed to the stools.
I smiled down at him. “Sure.” After I took a seat, I reached for Knox to help him climb up. “You have to be still,” I reminded him. The stools were a little high, and I didn’t want him to fall off.
“My name’s Vera.” The same woman who had greeted us set a menu on the counter before me, and then she reached for a paper kids menu and some crayons for Knox.
“Thank you,” he said when she set them in front of him.
“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy? You’re welcome, baby.” She turned her attention to me. “What can I get y’all? How about some coffee?”
“Can I get two scoops of chocolate ice cream?”
Knox bounced on his stool. “I love ice cream.”
“You want ice cream for breakfast?” Vera raised a brow at me.
I thought about the note Colin had left me the day he took Knox out for breakfast. They had eaten pancakes and ice cream.
I never did get that stain out of Knox’s dinosaur shirt.
“Yes! This is a best day ever.”
For him, it was, but for me … it was the first anniversary of the worst day of my life.
No. Today is for Colin. I can be sad tomorrow or next week but not today.
I shook off my impending sadness and forced cheer into my tone. “We are absolutely having ice cream for breakfast.” I turned my attention to Vera. “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, a short stack of pancakes for us to share, and an order of fries.”
Vera pulled a pencil from her hair and wrote our order on the pad. “Anything else?”
“Can I get an apple juice for him, and I’ll take a cup of coffee with vanilla creamer if you’ve got it?”
Vera gave us a warm smile. “I’ll be right back with drinks for y’all. Oh”—she pulled a quarter from the front pocket of her apron and gave it to Knox—“this is for you. See that jukebox over there?” She pointed to the back corner, near the restrooms.
Knox followed her gesture.
“You go put that quarter in there and play us some music.”
I smiled at her, and she winked at me.
“Can I, Mommy? Please.”
“Come on.”
I stood and helped him off the stool, and we strode to the jukebox.
He perused the selections as though he could actually read them and pointed to one. “That one. I want that one.”
“All right.”
I showed him where to put the quarter in and what button to push. Seconds later, The Rolling Stones poured through the speakers as we made our way back to our stools.
Vera set two small stainless steel bowls next to our drinks.
“You added sprinkles,” I commented with a grin.
“I figured, if you’re going to eat ice cream for breakfast, you ought to do it up right.”
“Thank you, Vera.�
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“You’re welcome. I’ll have everything else out in a hot minute,” she said and walked away to tend to other customers.
I turned to Knox and smiled. “It’s good, huh?”
He licked his spoon clean before dipping it back in. “I love chocolate.”
“Me, too, little man. You know who else loves chocolate?” I realized I had used the present tense in place of past, but I didn’t correct myself.
“Who?”
“Your daddy.”
“What else do Daddy love?”
An intense feeling of peace came over me as I sat next to my son and told him about his father. My voice didn’t crack, and there were no tears. I had spent a year mourning my husband’s death. Today, we would celebrate his life.
Twenty-Five
Saylor
Tomorrow, at the stroke of midnight, a brand-new year would begin. A fresh start. A do-over. It wasn’t the new beginning I wanted to mark but the ending of the worst year of my life. I wouldn’t kiss Colin at midnight. There wasn’t a party to go to. Though, if my brother had his way, I’d be in Atlanta with him and his friends. Our parents had offered to keep Knox for the weekend, and East had tried to get me to go when he left this morning. When I’d told him no, he’d insisted on staying home.
He worried about me. My little breakdown the other day had done nothing to help ease his mind. It had taken a lot of convincing, but he’d finally left an hour ago after I assured him a dozen times that I truly was fine. As for me, I planned to party hard this weekend and ring in the New Year in style—in my pajamas with my son. Chances were, we would be asleep well before the ball dropped.
The only thing I wanted to do today was hang out with my little man and play with the toys he had gotten for Christmas. Poor Rex had already been cast aside for the Lincoln Logs.
The toys rattled as Knox tipped over the container on the living room area rug. “I build a tower as big as the sky.”
“Wow. That’ll be awesome.”
“Mommy, you help?”
“One sec, little man.”
I palmed my phone and opened the stream of text messages from Jase that had been sent over the last few days and read them all, including the one that had come in a few minutes ago.
Jase: Sweet dreams.
Jase: I’m thinking about you.
Jase: Are you okay?
Jase: Socks, please talk to me.
Jase: I know what today is, and I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m going to call you.
Me: I’m okay.
Jase: I miss you.
I miss you.
I didn’t have a single clue as to how to respond. Our late-night phone conversations had ceased after he found me on the kitchen floor in the days leading up to Christmas, and tomorrow was New Year’s Eve.
While Jase had visited his family for the holidays, I had been consumed by a nervous breakdown. But the truth was, I missed him, too.
Me: I miss you, too.
I set my phone aside and turned my attention to Knox.
“What happens if we run out of logs?” I asked, reaching for a few.
“We have lots a logs.”
“I hope you’re right. After we build a tower, maybe we can make a village.”
Knox chattered away as we built the tower taller and taller.
“Mommy, take a picture.”
I grabbed my phone and stood. After I turned the camera on, I asked, “Are you ready?”
He jumped to his feet. “Pickles, no cheese.”
I took the photo. “One more, silly boy.”
“Cheesy pickles.”
After I took the picture, Knox bounced on his toes. “I wanna see.”
My finger slid over the screen.
“You can send to Gigi and Papa.”
“I will. How about some lunch? Are you hungry?”
“Yes.”
“All right. I’ll go make something.”
As I walked into the kitchen, I sent the photo to my parents and then opened the fridge. My phone started ringing in my palm.
Jase’s name and number lit up the screen.
For a split second, I debated on whether to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Socks. What’s up?”
“I’m making lunch for Knox. How are you?”
“Good. I have a question for you.”
I grabbed the strawberry jelly from the icebox. “Ask away.”
“Do you and Knox want some company?”
“Well, I’m not sure you can handle all the excitement.”
He chuckled.
“Lincoln Logs and peanut butter and jelly is serious business.”
“What kind of jelly?”
“Strawberry.” I reached for a bowl, took it out of the cabinet, and grabbed the peanut butter from the pantry. “As if there were another acceptable flavor.”
“Thank goodness. If you had said grape, I would’ve had no choice but to rescind my offer.”
This time, I laughed. “Sure, come on over. It’s just the kiddo and me, hanging out. Living our best life.”
“I’ll be over in a little bit.”
“See you soon. Drive safe.” I hung up and walked back into the living room. “I’ll finish lunch in a minute. I’ll be right back.”
I went to the bathroom, ran a brush through my hair, gathering it into a messy bun, and then headed into my bedroom to change. It wasn’t that I was trying to impress Jase. However, I looked like the hot-mess express, and I was still in my pajamas; plus, I wasn’t wearing a bra.
I threw on a sports bra and opted for the freshly laundered sweats my mother had gotten me from Victoria’s Secret Pink collection for Christmas. By the time I dashed back to the bathroom to put on deodorant and brush my teeth, the doorbell rang.
“Mommy.”
“Shit,” I muttered under my breath. Then, I yelled, “I’ll be right there. Do not answer the door.” I wasn’t sure Knox could open it, but I wanted to cover all my bases.
I strode to the front door, unlocked the dead bolt, and pulled it open to find a smiling Jase on the other side. I scanned the length of him—from his heather-gray knit cap–covered head, over the navy henley that made his ocean-blue eyes pop, and down to his worn jeans and hiking boots. Then, back up to his face. He really was handsome, and I was seconds away from making things awkward.
“Hey,” I said. “Come on in.” I stepped out of the way for him to enter and closed the door. “Do I need to take that?” I asked, gesturing to the bag.
He passed it to me. “It’s just a little something.”
“Thank you. You didn’t need to get me anything.”
“It’s nothing really.”
I glanced inside the large brown grocery sack to see two bottles of wine and a beautifully wrapped package that looked a little tattered along the edges. The thoughtfulness of his gesture touched me while simultaneously confusing the hell out of me.
“It isn’t nothing.” I offered him a smile before I turned my attention to my son. “Knox, say hello to Jase.”
Instead, Knox asked, “Mommy, why you look pretty.”
Heat rushed into my cheeks. “I just changed clothes, little man.”
Jase smirked.
Knox shrugged, then looked at Jase. “You can play with me.
“Me and Mommy building towers. You can help.” In a move that surprised me, Knox reached for Jase’s hand and pulled him to the corner of the room with all the toys.
“So, I’m going to go make lunch.” I jerked a thumb over my shoulder and pointed to the kitchen.
Jase and Knox were already engrossed in building something, and neither one of them looked up.
In the kitchen, I set the bag on the counter by the sink, washed and dried my hands, and then reached into the silverware drawer for two spoons.
Everything else was still out from earlier, so I unscrewed the lid from the jar of peanut butter and repeated the process with the jelly. Most people put peanut butter on
one slice of bread and jelly on the other. However, I considered that sacrilegious.
I made PB & J the same way my mama and grandma did. Peanut butter went in the bowl first, followed by the jelly, using a clean spoon—nobody wanted traces of peanut butter in their jelly jar because that was gross. I mixed the ingredients together in the bowl. Once the perfect PB to J ratio was achieved, I snatched the bread off the counter by the fridge and made the sandwiches. Then, I plated the food and added some carrot and celery sticks, along with apple slices to balance it out.
“Lunch is ready. Knox, go wash up.”
I overheard my son talking to Jase, “We can play after we eat.”
A few seconds later, his footsteps carried him down the hallway.
Jase entered the kitchen, went to the sink, and turned on the faucet.
“Sorry about Knox monopolizing you.”
Jase gave me a sideways glance. “Why are you apologizing?”
I shrugged. “Hanging out with a four-year-old on a Saturday afternoon is not what most guys would consider fun.”
He dried his hands on a paper towel and tossed it in the trash. “I’m not most guys, and there is no place I’d rather be.”
The truth in his words went straight to my heart.
Knox ran into the room with the cars Jase had made him for Christmas clutched in his grasp. “You made these for me.”
Jase knelt to be eye level with Knox. “I sure did. Do you like them?”
“They go fast. Wanna see?”
I ruffled Knox’s hair. “Did you remember to tell Jase thank you?”
Knox opened his arms and squeezed Jase’s neck in a hug. “Thank you.”
Jase put one arm around my son and hugged him back.
Their interaction lasted only a few seconds. That was all the time it took for my heart to fragment for two very different reasons. It hurt knowing Knox would never again hug his daddy like that and the emotion on Jase’s face as he held my son made me ache.
I shoved my feelings down and cleared my throat.
“Let’s eat.”
I took my and Knox’s plates to the table while Jase carried his. Then, I poured drinks for the three of us and sat at the table.
