by Street, K.
“I’m sorry, Socks. I’m so damn sorry.”
“It’s not your fault; you didn’t know.”
“Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“It wasn’t you I needed.”
Those words landed like a punch to the gut.
“I know that’s hard to hear, but in that moment, I was racked with guilt and swallowed by grief. I knew I was in love with you—” She rested her palm on my cheek. “I am in love with you.” She held my hand again. “All the emotions that come with loss consumed me, and all I could think about was how much I needed to talk to Colin. I had to tell him. I know it sounds crazy—”
I shook my head, cutting off her words. “It doesn’t sound crazy at all. I know what it’s like to feel guilty, baby. Though my guilt was for a whole other reason. For a long time after Candace died, I blamed myself. I had nightmares that only compounded my guilt. She’d ask me why I didn’t save her.” I blinked, trying to evict the image from my head. “If we hadn’t gone skiing that weekend, she’d be alive. So, yeah, I know a thing or two about guilt. For a while there, I drank a little too much and withdrew from the people around me. Eventually, I got my shit together.”
“Candace’s death wasn’t your fault, Jase.”
“Rationally, I know that. Even so, it doesn’t lessen the guilt.”
Saylor yawned. “What would Candace say?”
“What do you mean?”
“If she knew you still carried guilt over her death?”
I thought about Saylor’s question. After a few beats, I had my answer. “Knowing her, she would tell me to get the hell on with it. She’d probably say she died, doing something she loved.”
“And that is what you have to hold on to.” Saylor’s eyelids were heavy. A combination of sleep deprivation and raw emotion.
I rolled to my back. “Sleep, baby.”
I kissed her forehead as she snuggled into me.
Saylor fell asleep with her hand over my heart and her head on my chest.
When we woke later, I ordered takeout from Tupelo Honey and picked up a T-shirt for Saylor to sleep in while I was there.
She was wrapped in a towel, and her hair was damp from the shower when I returned. She slipped on the shirt I’d bought her, and we ate at the small table. After dinner, we watched an HGTV marathon of a show called Love It or List It. Saylor curled into my side, and we tried to guess what the couples on the show would end up doing.
Later that night, she lay on my chest, eyelids heavy. “Jase?”
“Socks?”
“I love you.”
I would never tire of hearing her say those words.
“I love you, too.”
Forty
Saylor
I pulled into the driveway behind Jase, and together, we walked inside the farmhouse.
We’d stopped for breakfast before we left Charlotte. I had done a lot of thinking on the way back to Maplewood Falls. A little over three hours was a long time to think. Just because I’d finally admitted my feelings for him didn’t mean there weren’t other variables at play. Real life wasn’t that simple, and we needed to find a way to navigate new waters.
“Are you thirsty?” he asked once we entered the kitchen. “I can make you a cup of coffee, or there’s tea or water in the fridge.”
“Coffee sounds great. And we never got around to the tour on Friday night.” My cheeks heated at the memory of Jase’s mouth on me. “Is there a bathroom downstairs?”
“To the left of the staircase, there’s an alcove with a powder room.”
“I’ll be right back.”
I headed in the direction of the bathroom and caught sight of my overnight bag still on the floor. I picked it up and took it with me. As I stood at the sink, washing my hands, I caught sight of my reflection. My eyes, a little bloodshot and still slightly puffy from yesterday, stared back at me. The sadness I usually carried had been replaced by peace.
Yesterday, as awful and emotional as it had been, was soul-cleansing. The loss of Colin would always hurt. Knowing Knox’s memories would stem from my stories about his dad instead of an actual relationship with him would always break me. The wound would always be there. It wasn’t ever going to scab over, it would never heal, but it wouldn’t always bleed.
I drew in a deep breath, brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, and then brushed my hair into a ponytail. When I went back into the kitchen, Jase glanced at me and smiled.
He held a cup of coffee between his palms and gestured to the one on the counter. “The creamer is in the fridge. I wasn’t sure how much you liked in it.”
It was funny how I’d known him practically my entire life, but there were things we didn’t know about each other.
“Thank you.” I opened the fridge to find my favorite creamer on the shelf.
On second thought …
The corners of my mouth tipped into a smile.
After I fixed my coffee just the way I liked it, I replaced the creamer and then faced Jase. “Do you feel like sitting outside? I’d like to talk to you about something.”
“Sure.” He gently tugged my ponytail as he walked past me to open the door.
I stepped into the screened part of the porch and then through the door that led to the outer deck where we’d enjoyed our wine the other night. We took our same seats but adjusted our chairs, facing each other.
He set his coffee on the little table and reached for my hand, bringing it to his lips and softly kissing it. “Socks?”
“Jase?”
“Talk to me.”
I took a sip from my cup and placed it next to his. Our hands were joined between us.
“Are you sure about this? About us? And, when I say us … I don’t mean, you and me. Because being all in is a huge step, and I’m a package deal.”
“I’m all in, baby.”
“I love you for saying that; I really do. But, Jase, you need to think about this. About what being ‘all in’ looks like.” I had to find a way to make him understand, and for that, I needed my hands. There would be hand gestures.
“It’s more than playing Horse and building leprechaun traps or being there for the aftermath of one nightmare. It’s ear infections and vomit, scraped knees and snotty noses. It’s about being on one hundred percent of the time. It’s meltdowns because you cut his sandwich the wrong way. Hours of your life will be lost, looking for things that aren’t yours. It’s a single question that will lead to a million other ones. It’s exhausting and painful. Have you ever stepped on a Lego in the middle of the night?” I crossed my arms.
His huge grin gave me pause.
He leaned forward, forearms on his knees. “I understand what you’re saying, but you’re forgetting a few things.”
“Cold and flu season. Doctor—”
“Not those things,” he cut me off. “I don’t have firsthand experience with being a parent. But you’re forgetting that it’s also being loved unconditionally, hugs and kisses, celebrating accomplishments, those moments of pride when they’re the person you’ve raised them to be. It’s Christmas morning and bedtime stories. It isn’t just about the sacrifices. There are rewards, too.”
“Knox is already getting attached to you. What happens if you leave, or when you …”
* * *
Jase
When you die.
Saylor’s unspoken words hung in the air between us. They were the crux of her fear.
What happens to them—to Knox, to her—when I die?
I had no control over that. Nobody did.
I stood, reached for her hand, and drew her into an embrace.
Yesterday, at the cemetery, I’d thought Saylor realized the depth of my love—not just for her, but for Knox, too. Yes, she’d made valid points, but it was too late. Because I loved them both. I was all in. I knew exactly what that meant. This wasn’t about Knox. Not really.
We were both scared. My only hope was that the next words I spoke wouldn’t have her running out my door for a
n entirely different reason.
I shifted, putting a few inches between us. My hands were splayed at her nape, and the pads of my thumbs rested on her jawline. I brought my mouth to hers and whispered a kiss over her lips. When our gazes met, I hoped like hell she could see the truth in my eyes.
“There are things in this life we have no control over. But I promise you, I will never willingly leave you, Socks. You’ll have to be the one to walk away. I want you. I want Knox.”
Saylor’s eyes filled with tears.
“One day, I want to put a baby in your belly and my ring on your finger. Colin will always be Knox’s father. I just want to be his bonus dad. I know you’re not ready for any of that. And that’s okay. I just need you to know that, when I say I’m all in, that’s what I mean.”
I touched my forehead to hers. “We’ll build the foundation brick by brick. No matter how long it takes, I swear to you, as long as I have breath, I’m not going anywhere.”
Her delicate fingers clasped my wrists, holding my hands to her face.
When our lips met, she tasted like the sunshine after a rainstorm.
We sat there, just holding each other for a while.
Saylor leaned back, looking up at me. “Where do we go from here?”
“I’m following your lead. Nothing has to change until you’re ready. However, I am absolutely down with sleepovers.”
If I had my way, Saylor and Knox would be under my roof by nightfall, but it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. They’d moved twice in less than a year. Not having her in my bed every night would suck, but it wouldn’t be that way forever.
“Knox is used to you being around pretty often. I think having a huge conversation with him is pointless. He’s four. Easton already knows.”
That he did. I’d called him this morning on the way back from Charlotte. We had a man-to-man. I told him a version of everything I had just said to Saylor. Almost everything. I’d left out the part about me wanting to put a baby in his sister. I was many things, but a fool wasn’t one of them.
“As far as sleepovers go, they’re definitely on the list.” Desire flared in her eyes.
“What time are your parents dropping off Knox?”
“Six.”
“We have hours.”
She gave me a flirtatious smile. “Whatever will we do?”
I grabbed her thighs, making her squeal as I lifted her off her feet. She folded her legs around me.
“I can think of a few things,” I said huskily.
I claimed her mouth as I carried her back inside.
Saylor got the special VIP tour. Naked. And we christened nearly every room in the farmhouse.
Forty-One
Saylor
Nearly Two Months Later
I still missed Colin every single day. The ache for him would always be there. I would always have moments of sadness, but there was also joy, laughter, and so much love.
A month after that day at the cemetery, I had taken off my wedding rings; my engagement ring was tucked away in my jewelry box, but my wedding band hung from a chain around my neck, close to my heart. I wasn’t moving on from Colin; I was making room for Jase.
We’d had a sleepover or two at Jase’s and a few at my place. The first time Jase had stayed here, Knox had woken up the next morning, and he’d straight-up asked Jase if he’d spent the night. When Jase had said yes, my son had just wanted to know if we were having chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. Four-year-olds were the best. You didn’t need to over explain, and they stood firm in the belief that the world revolved around their choice of breakfast food.
* * *
“Mommy, Papa needs”—he opened and closed his hand—“those things.”
“That doesn’t really help me, little man.”
“You know! Those pinchy things.”
“Tongs?”
“Yes. For a hot dogs.”
I pulled them out of the drawer and passed them to my son. He ran out the back door and onto the patio where my dad stood, manning the grill, which was funny, considering I was hosting.
My parents had met us at noon in the town square for the Maplewood Falls Memorial Day Parade. Jase set Knox on his shoulders to watch the action. My son waved his little flag and sang the wrong words to “The Star-Spangled Banner.” After the parade, we’d all headed back here, except for East and Jase, who had run to the store.
I stood at the counter, attempting to cut the watermelon into star shapes, when Jase and East walked through the door with ice, a case of beer, and more hamburger and hot-dog buns.
“Hey, baby.” Jase kissed me as he walked by. “I’ll be back in a sec.”
“We found a stray.” East chuckled at his own joke and followed Jase out the door.
My younger cousin, Lucy, made a face at my brother behind his back. “Saylor, has he always been this much of a pain?”
“Worse.” I washed the sticky-sweet watermelon juice off and then gave Lucy a hug. “Mom and Dad are out back. There’s a cooler with drinks and a makeshift bar, too, if you’re interested.”
“Good. I’m parched.”
She went outside, and I started cutting up strawberries because the watermelon was pissing me off. When Jase came back in, he gave me a one-armed hug from behind and dropped a kiss to my neck.
“Are you almost done?”
“Close. Check out my watermelon stars.” I gestured with the tip of the paring knife.
“Stars. Is that what those are?” he teased.
I lightly jabbed him in the ribs with my elbow.
“I have a little present for you.”
“I’ve seen your present, dude. It’s not little.”
His laughter shook the both of us. “Well, I do have to give it to you in the bedroom though.”
“I bet you do.”
He held up a gift bag.
I rinsed my hands and followed him to my room. Once we were inside, he closed the door and gave me the bag.
Mirth danced in his eyes as I stuck my hand inside the bag. I pulled out the gift and started to unwrap it.
“Really?” I squinted my eyes at him. “You got me panties? With frogs on them.” I dropped them back in the bag and stalked toward him.
He wasn’t having any of that. Jase picked me up and tossed me onto the center of my bed. Then, he buried his face in my neck, tickling me with his beard. I cackled and squirmed beneath him.
“There is a houseful of people.” I giggled.
He gave me a smug look. “No, there isn’t. Technically, they’re all outside.”
“My parents are here.”
“So is your grandma. You should wave.”
“What?” My gaze shot to the open blinds.
Grandma’s back was to us, but she was there.
Jase rolled off me and onto the mattress as he roared with laughter.
“You’re incorrigible.” I pushed off the bed. Inside the bathroom, I fixed my skewed ponytail.
Jase approached me from behind, his arms enveloping me. Our gazes found each other in the mirror, and we both smiled.
“Socks?”
“Jase?”
“I love you.”
I swiveled to face him. Standing on my tiptoes, I put my arms around his neck. “I love you, too. I’m so proud of you.”
Jase’s cheeks pinked a little with my praise. “Thank you.”
The construction on the tasting room had been completed two weeks ago. And, next week, a photographer was coming out to take photos for a feature spread on local Georgia wineries. It wouldn’t publish until the fall, but it was still exciting. The grand opening of The Tasting Room at Turner Creek was scheduled for the weekend after the Fourth of July. My family would be there for the occasion.
Family. That reminds me.
“We should probably get out there.”
His eyes darted to my shower. “Or we could make use of the sex bench.”
I was tempted. Just then, the doorbell rang.
“I gue
ss I’m taking a rain check,” Jase commented and then planted a chaste kiss to my lips.
I shook my head as we exited the room. “I still can’t believe you bought me freaking frog underwear.”
He just snickered.
I went to the door and pulled it open to find Layken on the other side.
“You made it!” I exclaimed.
“Sorry I’m late.”
“Hey, Layken,” Jase greeted her before going outside.
“Hi, Jase.”
I waved her off. “You aren’t late.”
She followed me into the kitchen, carrying a light-blue bakery box from Sifted Bliss. Layken and I were becoming close friends. As one did with their dealer. My addiction had started with the crack croissants. It’d only escalated from there.
“What’s in the box?” My fingers itched to open the box, so I could peek inside.
“Strawberry cupcakes and a few lemon-blueberry ones, too.”
“Yum.”
Layken helped me finish the fruit basket I had been attempting to make.
Twenty minutes later, everyone was outside in the backyard. Jase made Knox a plate. East chatted with Layken. Lucy sat next to Grandma, showing her pictures of my cousin Blair’s newest addition. And I stood between my parents.
“You okay, Tater Tot?”
“I’m better than okay, Daddy.”
He kissed me on the top of my head. “Yes, you are.”
My mom slipped her arm around me. “I love you, Saylor Rayne.”
“Love you, too, Mama.”
“Hey, kid.” East looked up from the burger he was making. “Didn’t you make potato salad?”
Shit.
“It’s in the fridge. I’ll go grab it.” I opened the door and then closed it behind me. I pulled out the drawer to grab a serving spoon when I heard a knock at the door.
I had no idea who it could be. As far as I knew, everyone was here.
I crossed the living space and twisted the knob, pulling the door open.
My mouth gaped.
“Hey, Saylor. Is East here?”
