Letting Go

by J. M. Witt

  “Is that from Frida’s?”

  “Don’t. Just hush. What’s up?” Why the hell did he send me lingerie at work? He really was the devil.

  She was smiling from ear to ear and I knew then she saw what it was and I knew I was as red as a rose. “From James?”

  “Lena, what do you need?” I was totally embarrassed and she knew it.

  “I’m heading out to pick up the last of the donations. I’ll see you in the morning.” I looked at the clock and wondered where the time had gone; it was already after four in the afternoon.

  “Great. Thank you, Lena. Have a good one.” She winked as she closed my door. I sagged into my chair and peeked back into the box of lingerie once more. It was a gorgeous mix of satin and lace, mostly satin. As I rifled through, I finally found a note.

  I owe you some new panties.

  I couldn’t resist the rest.

  ~James

  I felt myself blush at the realization that JB3 just bought me a new wardrobe of undergarments. JB3. I never realized they were one in the same. I had heard most of the stories, but never paid them much heed. It was the job of the press to exaggerate, right? I couldn’t resist...I knew I shouldn’t…

  I pulled up my internet browser and typed in ‘JB3’. A slew of links popped up. This was bad. The first one was a link for the local paper. One after another I started clicking away. Almost every picture was of James and random girls. Only one face repeatedly appeared next to his. She was a pretty brunette named Melissa Westin.

  Not being sure how much time had passed, I was rubbing my temples when my cell started ringing. Pulling it from my purse I saw it was Cal. “Hello.”

  “Hey, sis. You okay? You sound stressed.”

  Sighing deeply, “I’m a fool, Cal.” I felt sick to my stomach.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “James…he’s JB3.” I was practically in tears.

  “He’s who? Cassidy, it’s after six. Are you home yet? I was planning to pick up a pizza and thought we could have dinner before my shift.”

  I loved my brother, overbearing ass and all. “I’ll be there soon. Just use the spare.” I disconnected the call and put my cell back in my purse. Gathering up my box of lingerie, laptop bag and purse, I decided to leave the flowers because my hands were so full.

  When I got home, Cal was getting out of his truck with a pizza box in one hand and a six pack in the other. I walked up the steps, unlocked the door before I hung up my purse, put my laptop bag down and ran upstairs with my box of intimates. Before heading back down, I changed into some more comfortable clothes.

  Cal was sitting on the couch and handed me a plate of pizza as I sat down. He was in uniform from the waist down, sporting a white t-shirt on top. Cal started eating, waiting for me to break the silence. Spotting that he brought my favorite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I grabbed one and downed half the bottle while he eyed me suspiciously.

  He sighed, “Cassidy, what’s going on?”

  “I told you, I’m a fool. He’s a notorious playboy. I’m just a notch in his belt.”

  He just scowled at me. “Cassidy, while at first I would’ve agreed with you, after talking to him this morning, I don’t think that’s true. He really cares for you, he told me so. What happened between then and now?”

  “He’s plastered in all the papers and now I’m there, too.” I got up and grabbed the article from my laptop bag and tossed it in his lap.

  “JB3? Are you the mystery woman?” He was smirking. “What’s the big deal?”

  “Are you kidding me? Really? After what we’ve been through; I deal with enough crap from those entitled asses I throw parties for, but to be dating one of them?” Now I was just talking shit because I was totally freaking out.

  “Cassidy, I know what’s going on here.” I looked at him doubtfully. “You really like him. You’ve never cared about what others thought before, not since high school. You’re just making excuses because you’re scared you’re going to get hurt.”

  I started crying. “I am not!” Damn, I hate when he’s right.

  “Ok, if you say so.” He went back to eating his pizza and I did the same. After a few minutes he got himself more pizza, water and me another drink. “I can’t tell you what to do. We all have a past; you know that better than anyone. His just happens to be well documented. Don’t let his past dictate your future. I know you have things you’d like to sweep under the rug.”

  Cal had a point. “You’re right. Sorry I freaked out. Thank you.”

  “Any time, sis. You know I’m here if you need to talk…or kick some ass, even if it’s yours.” He grinned and ruffled my hair.

  Smiling, I smacked his hand away. “Knock it off!”

  “I need to go. You’re good here?” Nodding my agreement, I stood up and he gave me a giant bear hug until I was giggling.

  “Put me down!” He obliged and headed out the door and I followed after him. I didn’t even ask him about his conversation with James. “Hey, what did you two talk about this morning, anyways?”

  He just shrugged his shoulders at me. “Bros before hoes, Cassidy.” He was laughing as I rolled my eyes at him. He got in his truck and took off.

  Unbelievable. Bros before hoes. What about sisters? Cal’s never liked any of the guys I’ve dated. Of course he’s never met any of them either. This could be interesting.

  Turning on my iPod, I selected Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. The song reminded me of Holly. I cranked it up before I sat back on the couch with another slice of pizza. I let the music flow in and of me as I just vegged out. I was replaying the events of the weekend over and over while lying on the couch. Several songs later, one I hadn’t heard in a long time started playing. How ironic that it came on at that moment. I sat and listened to it, loving it all over again. When the song ended I got up and hit repeat, replaying the song. Alter Bridge’s Blackbird blared through the speakers. I listened to the song one more time before turning it off and heading up to bed.

  

  ~ JAMES ~

  My plane landed and it was already late. I decided Mom could wait until morning and headed straight to the hotel. I managed to get some shut-eye on the plane and decided to get a workout in. After changing my clothes, I headed down to the hotel fitness center. I was alone in the gym, which wasn’t surprising given the late hour, and pretty much had the run of the house. I jumped on a treadmill after lifting some weights and put my ear buds in and selected my ‘workout’ playlist.

  Cassidy was all I could help to think about as my legs pounded away. She didn’t seem to care about my reputation, or she was clueless. Guessing by her lack of magazines and papers around her place, I was convinced she was clueless. This could get ugly. And Melissa…I couldn’t even think about her. Worst. Mistake. Ever.

  A while later, I slowed the treadmill to a stop and noticed I ran over ten miles; my goal was five miles every other day. I’d definitely be hurting in the morning. Seeing it was close to two a.m., I grabbed a towel, a bottle of water and headed back up to my room. After taking a shower, I checked my email, and after firing off a few, I was thankful to be feeling drowsy. I climbed into bed and let sleep take me over.

  Light filled my room when I awoke. Grabbing the bedside clock, I was surprised to see it was almost eight in the morning because I rarely slept more than three to four hours in a row. I stretched, showered and dressed in the span of twenty minutes. Wearing jeans and an oxford, I left my hair down and headed out the door. The valet brought the rental around and I jumped in to head to the clinic.

  I checked in at the front desk and then made the trek to my mother’s room.

  “Jimmy!” She held my face between her hands and kissed me before hugging me. “Oh, it’s good to see you, my boy. Let me look at you.” I felt like I was twelve years old again. “Something’s different. Tell me how you are? I was just headed to the cafeteria for some breakfast. Come on.” She wrapped her arm around mine and we walked in silence for a few mo
ments. She was too thin, but looked better than she did at my last visit several weeks ago; she had some color back in her cheeks.

  I got an omelet, bacon and some orange juice while mom grabbed two croissants to go with her eggs, fruit and coffee. When we sat down she placed one of her croissants on my plate. “Jimmy, they’re delicious, you must have one.” I nodded as I dug in to my breakfast. “So, tell me about this Cassidy.”

  I started coughing, practically choking on my bite of omelet. She was grinning from ear to ear. After I composed myself I glared at her. “Talking to Dad, are you?” She put a cheesy grin on her face and waved her hand at me in her usual ‘carry on’ manner. “There’s not much to tell.”

  “I know better than that, Jimmy. Your Aunt Bev emailed me a copy of that picture in the papers of you two. I’m sorry I missed the masquerade, it looks like you had a marvelous time.”

  “Knowing Aunt Bev, she’s the one who took the picture.” I sighed. “She’s wonderful. She’s laid back, funny, beautiful, passionate…”

  She was beaming at me across the table. “You’re really taken with her. Oh Jimmy, that makes me so happy. I never thought I’d see the day when someone turned your head. And she’s not after you for your money?” It was a question everyone would ask.

  “She’s the most genuine person I know, Mom. I don’t think she quite comprehends all the baggage I come with.”

  “Dad said she’s a doll. I can’t wait to meet her and find out for myself.” I looked at her with my brow all creased. “Honey, I’m coming home. The holidays are coming and I miss my family.”

  “What do the doctors say?”

  “Jimmy, please let it go.” She wouldn’t look at me and started devouring her breakfast.

  She was evading the question. I slammed my silverware down a little too hard and she jumped. “Sorry.” She tilted her head at me and feigned a smile. “Mom, what do the doctors say?” I tried softening my tone.

  “Jimmy, we knew it was a long shot. I have some tests today and should have results in the next day or two. If this is going to be my last Christmas, I want to spend it at home.”

  I pushed my half eaten plate away from me. “Mom, don’t say that.” Resting my head in my hands I felt her squeeze her frail frame around my shoulders.

  “My sweet boy. We’ve been fighting for years; I was told I only had months. It’s been a good fight. No matter the results, I want to go home. There’ll be no more discussion.” My throat was constricting and I squeezed her hand. Defeated, I acknowledged my understanding and she sat back down to finish her breakfast.

  Chapter Fourteen – Rainbow…

  ~ JAMES ~

  We proceeded with a day full of tests for Mom. I gave her every appropriate detail about my time with Cassidy and she was the happiest I’d seen her in a long time. After dinner we went back to her room, and I could tell she was exhausted, so I insisted she go and get some rest and she did.

  I left her room to head out to the gardens to call Dad. “Dad, it’s me. Yes, she’s resting. Did you know she’s planning to fly home with me? Yes, I understand…”

  Dad told me, “Son, I know how hard this is. Your mother and I made this decision together. She wanted to be the one to tell you.”

  I could hear his voice cracking and it nearly sent me over the edge. “Ok. We’ll see you in a couple days. Love you too, Dad.” I sat down on the nearest bench with my head in my hands as the tears fall from my eyes to the grass below.

  After an hour of feeling sorry for myself I decided to go back to Mom’s room and found she was still sleeping. I left her a note telling her I would be back in the morning, went back to the hotel and headed straight to the bar.

  “Whiskey, make it a double.” The bartender nodded and fetched my drink. I down it in one gulp and the fire burned me all the way to my toes. The bartender looked at me. “Water, please.” I knew better than to have any more. Glancing at the menu, I decided to order a steak and salad.

  After struggling about whether or not to order another drink, I spoke to the bartender who made the arrangements to have my dinner sent to my room. I was scanning through emails and on the phone when room service knocked. I opened the door and the waiter brought the meal in on a cart. After handing him a few bills, he bowed and left the room.

  “Smith, just do what you need to get it done. Sabrina and Delaney should have all the necessary information. I want it done by Friday night, sooner if possible. You, too. Thanks.”

  Sitting down, I made hasty work of my meal before getting back to work; it was the only way to keep my focus off Mom. I worked into the wee hours of the night and decided to go for another workout. After another long visit to the gym, I showered and hit the hay.

  

  “What do you mean there’s no change? She’s been here for four months.” I was on the verge of hurling myself on the doctors. Of course I wanted her home, but home and in remission.

  “Mr. Benedict, I understand your frustration. While the cancer cells haven’t spread, neither have they receded.”

  “James, please sit down.” I was burning a path in the small office as I paced back and forth. I did as my mother asked and she put my hand in hers before looking back to the three doctors standing in front of us. “I’ve told my son that I’m going home. We’ll be leaving tonight. I appreciate everything you and your staff has done for me. We knew this was terminal five years ago.”

  The female doctor nodded her head. “We’ve discussed this in great length at our sessions, Mrs. Benedict. We all respect and honor your decision.” The doctors took their turn hugging my mother before leaving the room. Mother just looked like everything was fine. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. “Jimmy, go back to the hotel. I just need a few hours to pack and say my goodbyes. I know you need to make some phone calls.” Good ol’ mom, ordering me around like it was business as usual.

  “I’ll be back in a couple hours.”

  We left the small office and I kissed her on the cheek before she headed toward her room. As I made my way for the car, I pulled out my cell and called the pilot to put him on standby.

  

  It was the middle of the night when we landed at home. Dad was waiting for us and Mom was thrilled to see him. They’d always had a very loving and tender relationship. It made me ache for Cassidy. I told her I would be in touch and I hadn’t been; she would probably be furious with me. It was near dawn on Thursday morning, Halloween. I couldn’t go to her now. I was an emotional mess and I could only imagine how busy she was with work. Smith was waiting with the Rover so I climbed in and he took me back to the hotel.

  

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  The week had flown by with the exception of missing James. The auction was the next day and I hadn’t heard from him all week. Maybe my gut was wrong; I thought for sure that I would’ve heard from him. Besides the lingerie, flowers and the pictures in the paper, it was like he, we, didn’t exist. There was another picture in Tuesday’s paper of us chatting outside his office building on Monday morning.

  After another long day at work, I was walking into the parking garage behind my building. I had worked late to avoid the kids surely knocking on my door for Halloween. It was then that I looked up and he was there, his bike parked behind my car, and he was just sitting on the seat staring at me.

  I froze in my tracks. I couldn’t help it; the smile that spread across my face revealed how super excited I was to see him. He stood up and put his hands in his pockets with that look on his face that made him irresistible. I took a deep breath and continued walking toward him.

  “Cassidy.” He looked down to his boots, rocking nervously back and forth when I tried to scowl at him.

  I halted a couple arm lengths in front of him and crossed my arms over my chest. “James.” I wasn’t sure what to do. Never having been in a situation like that before, I was pissed at him for not calling, but so thankful he was there in front of me. He looked up at me and reached for me but I stepped ba
ck to avoid contact. “When did you get back?”

  “Early this morning.” The anger started rising in my gut.

  “I see.” He was just standing there; both of us speechless. I unlocked my car with my fob and started toward the driver’s door, attempting to walk around him.

  “Cassidy, please, help me out here.”

  Angrily I swung on him, “Help you out? I’m sorry, but what do you need help with?” He looked at me like he was surprised by my rebuttal. “You said you would call. It’s Thursday and I’m still waiting.”

  “I’m sorry. I was really busy; there’s a lot going on you don’t know about.” He did look sorry, but I was so mad.

  “A lot I don’t know. You can say that again, James. Or should I call you JB3?”

  “God dammit.” He started running his hands through his hair and began pacing. “I fucking hate that nickname.”

  “I wasn’t expecting to see my face plastered all over the papers. A little warning might’ve been nice.” The frustration was emanating from him. “I feel like any minute reporters will figure out who I am and come knocking down my door.” Ok, I was exaggerating a little and just felt bad for both of us.

  “Cassidy. I’m sorry. I couldn’t figure out if you didn’t care who I was or if you truly didn’t know.”

  “Yes and yes.” He stopped walking and looked at me like he forgot his original question to me. “I don’t give two shits who you are or what the papers have to say about you. They’re paid to tell stories. I just wish I knew about it all before you left.”

  Looking slightly relieved at my statement, he closed the distance between us. He bent down to my level and put his forehead on mine; his hands were on my hips. “I’m so sorry, baby. Forgive me?”

  Trying to ignore him, I could see he was pouting out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t resist him; I’m a junkie and he’s my drug. His scent traveled through me and I was a goner and suddenly flooded with emotion. I rolled my head to the side and buried myself in his chest, wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed him tight. “I missed you so much. Don’t do that again.”