Letting Go

by J. M. Witt

  “Did you have any luck finding out who provided the story to the paper?” I was looking at Smith.

  He sighed, “I’m still looking into it. The editor isn’t revealing his source.”

  I slammed my fist on the table.

  “Dude, I’m not done. I’ve done a background check on all the employees. Turns out one of the copy editors had a kid in the same rehab facility with Dan over the summer.”

  “That’s got to be it.” Annie agreed and I thanked Smith. “That douche bag. What is the point of all of this?”

  Annie and Smith both dug through their files and each pulled out folders. I set the other files aside as we started thumbing through Dan’s files again. After a good hour or so we were about to go through the files for the third time when Annie gasped.

  “Son of a bitch!” Annie started ripping some papers out of Smith’s folder and comparing them to hers.

  “What is it? What did you find?”

  “Mayor Calhoun had a sister, Hilary Young, who was in rehab when he had the affair with Abigail Charles.”

  It only took me a second to register the connection, “Jesus Christ.” I dropped my head in my hands and rubbed my scalp vigorously. “This is beyond fucked up.”

  Smith looked confused for a moment then asked, “Are you saying that Dan Young was Mayor Calhoun’s nephew?”

  Annie started to talk and I stopped her. “Mayor Calhoun was more than his uncle; he was his guardian and had been for years. Hilary was in and out of rehab programs, all paid for by Calhoun. After Abigail’s death, Calhoun died a few months later by accidental overdose if I remember correctly. I remember Dan bragging about all the money he was getting, left to him by his uncle. Well, the joke was on him. Calhoun was in so much debt that his estate was worthless. There was only enough money left for Dan and his Mom to afford a tiny apartment on the other side of town. With Dan’s mom back in the picture, he started using alongside her. I forgot about all this because Jason died a month later.”

  “Damn, that’s messed up. But why torture Cassidy?” Smith asked what we all wanted to know.

  Annie chimed in, “My guess is he wants to be paid off. He must have known you’d put it together. Or he’s just cruel.”

  Annie might’ve been right. Maybe this was all about money, but I was worried that it was more than that. “Dan isn’t logical and he has a nasty streak. Let’s hope I can talk some reason into him.”

  “James, should we be looking into Calhoun’s death? Accidental overdose sounds suspicious to me.”

  “Smith is right, James. We need to tread lightly. Her brother is a cop, right? Why don’t you start there, maybe he can have some push to get the case reopened.”

  I felt sick but agreed with them both. Cassidy wasn’t going to handle this very well. There was no telling when Dan knew who Cassidy was. Either way, she would feel like a fool. I would talk to Calvin to get his opinion before we made any moves on Dan. Though, I’d prefer to kill Dan. God help him if he was ever in my presence again. I pulled out my cell and called Cal.

  “Cal, its James. Are you free? I need to see you. No, my office would be best and the sooner the better. Thanks, man. See you soon.” I set the phone on the table. “He’s on his way. Smith, can you let security know he’s coming?”

  “No problem. Be right back.”

  Once Smith left the room, Annie placed her hand on mine and said, “You love her.”

  I turned to look at her. She was smiling broadly while studying me. I ignored her remark and started asking her some legal questions about restraining orders and such. We discussed these issues for quite a while.

  “James, you love her.”

  “What is your problem?” Why did everyone keep saying that? I’d never been in love and probably wouldn’t know it if it smacked me in the face.

  “There’s nothing wrong with it. She must be pretty spectacular if she’s managed to tame the beast.”

  I sneered, remembering her nickname for me.

  “Have you told her?”

  “Annie, how do you know?”

  “That you love her?” She waited for my nod. “Does she consume your thoughts, night and day? Would you walk on broken glass if she asked you to?”

  “I’d kill for her, lay down my life if it meant she was safe.”

  “You love her.” She patted my hand and smiled, “I’m so happy for you. You need to tell her.”

  There was a knock on the door and Cal walked in. He looked at Annie’s hand on mine and raised his brows.

  “That’s my cue. I’ll be in touch.” She smiled at Cal before gathering her things and walking out the door.

  Cal gave me a questioning look. “She’s my attorney and a friend. Nothing to worry ‘bout.” I sat down on the couch and he did the same on the opposing one.

  “Dude, what’s going on? You’ve got me all suspicious.” He was trying to smile while wringing his hands together.

  I puffed out my cheeks as I exhaled. “I need you to think like a cop and not like a brother.” He processed my words before nodding in understanding. “You’ve seen the papers.” He nodded. “You know Dan.”

  “I know of him and his record of drug abuse. Of course I didn’t find out until after the shooting. Cassidy wouldn’t have been dating him had I known.”

  “I’m partly to blame there, too, man. Anyways. This is where it gets messy. Dan is the nephew of Brent Calhoun.” I paused to give him a minute and I saw the change come over his face when he put it together. His jaw clenched as his eyes grew dark. “Calhoun had custody of Dan when this all went down fifteen years ago.”

  “Custody? Wouldn’t Dan have been an adult?”

  “I believe he was seventeen at the time, a year younger than me.”

  He got up and started pacing my office. I understood his frustration completely. “What the fuck? You’re sure about this?” I confirmed. “Is this some revenge plot?”

  “Not sure, but it seems that way. There’s more.” His shoulders sagged visibly. “I’m not sure if you know or not that Calhoun died a few months later.” He said he knew. “Did you know his cause of death is listed as an accidental overdose?” This was news to him.

  “Holy shit. You think he killed his uncle.”

  “Suspect. I’ve known Dan since we were kids. He’s never sat well with me; there’s always been something off about him. Calhoun gave Dan a life of prestige and privilege. I wouldn’t doubt that if he felt threatened by your Mom…”

  We both paled as my words resonated with us both. This just got worse and worse. Cal grabbed a bottle of water and started guzzling it down.

  “Cal, I’m sorry. I didn’t think this through.”

  “No. It’s fine. You think he killed Calhoun and my mother?”

  We sat in silence and I could see the cogs turning in his head.

  “Cassidy needs to know. As much as I want to keep this from her, she has to know.”

  I began to object.

  “Dude, you don’t know everything.”

  Now I was the one chugging down some water. How could there possibly be more?

  “How much did she tell you about Mom’s death and what happened after?” I told him all the gory details as he dropped his head and tilted his neck from side to side eliciting a few pops and cracks.

  “It broke her. She blamed herself for Mom’s death for a long time. It was the most vulnerable time in any girl’s life, but to have that guilt on her, too, destroyed her spirit. She was in therapy for years.”

  “Nothing wrong with therapy.”

  “Did you try to kill yourself?” I was speechless. “She swallowed half a bottle of pills, James. Dad found her just in time. Another ten minutes and she would’ve been gone.”

  “I had no idea. I never…”

  “Don’t hold it against her. She was so young and lost. She worked really hard for a long time to overcome those demons. If she finds out what we know now about Dan…well…I…she has to hear it from us sooner rather than later. T
he more prepared she is, the more proactive she can be in dealing with it.”

  “Okay, that makes sense. Shit, I wanted to keep this from her.”

  “I feel ya, dude. Is she home? I can follow you. Afterward, I’ll call Dad to fill him in. God, this timing sucks; the wedding is less than three weeks away.”

  “She should be home.”

  “You need to be prepared for firestorm Cassidy. You got a glimpse last weekend, but she’s got one hell of a temper.”

  “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

  He laughed, “Dude, I’m telling you. Prepare yourself.”

  I simply nodded before gathering my things.

  Chapter Twenty-Six – Firestorm…

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  I was numb and pissed off. Mom was pregnant? I guess she really was planning on leaving Dad, and us. I didn’t understand and I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I didn’t think I wanted to understand. James must’ve thought I was a total basket case. After checking my cell phone and seeing I had no missed calls or texts, I decided to bake some brownies; chocolate would help. I cranked the stereo, grabbed my laptop and started browsing aimlessly while waiting for the brownies to finish.

  The brownies were cooling on the stove when I heard the front door open. I watched as James walked in followed by Cal. Lord help me.

  “Ever hear of knocking?” I looked back and forth between the two of them and they both looked guilty. “What the hell is going on? I know what this is and I’m not in the mood.”

  “Cass, we need to talk to you.” Cal walked over to the couch, sat down on the end with his body turned toward me and put his hand on my foot.

  “About what?” Looking to James, who was being too quiet and eyeing me suspiciously, I grew nervous.

  “I didn’t want to tell you, but Cal said its best that you know and I’m starting to agree.”

  “You guys are scaring me. Just spit it out.” I set my laptop down on the coffee table, placed my feet on the floor and started ringing my hands in my lap.

  They told me everything they knew about mom, Dan and any other information they had at the moment. I was speechless.

  Comatose.

  After several minutes, all I heard was the gravely drone of their voices. James was kneeling in front of me with his hands on my calves. I stood up and his hands fell to the side as he let me pass. Cal grabbed my wrist as I tried to walk past him.

  “Cassidy…”

  “Don’t.” I jerked my wrist violently out of his hand and looked to James, “How long have you known this?” He looked to me and back to Cal. “HOW LONG?”

  “I’m not sure what you’re asking. We just put the pieces together today. If you’re asking how long I’ve known Dan is bad news, the answer is since we were in high school together.” He looked as distraught as he sounded.

  “That’s what you were trying to tell me that night wasn’t it?” I started pacing between the living room and kitchen. “What did I do to deserve this, what did Holly do? I don’t understand. If you had said something sooner maybe Holly would still be here.”

  “Cassidy, he had no way of knowing.” Cal came to James’s defense.

  “Cassidy, you have to know that if I could change what happened that night I would.”

  Cal was right and I knew James would change it if he could, but I was unraveling, losing control. I was so God damned mad at the universe, Dan and my mom. My blood was on fire and I could feel my body shaking as the anger took over.

  

  ~ JAMES ~

  She was devastated, again, exactly what I didn’t want. All of it was my fault. I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes, knowing the pain that would be on her beautiful face. Before Cal and I could take cover she started screaming and throwing everything and anything at us, the wall, and the floor. It was a hail of glass and knick knacks and throaty screams.

  The shattering stopped as she walked toward the mantel and grabbed the beloved picture of her and Holly, examining it. Just when I thought she was about to throw it she put it back in its honorary spot. I looked to Cal and nodded. He seemed to understand.

  “Cassidy, I’m going to go now. I love you. You’re going to be alright.” Looking back to me he said, “Please stay in touch. I’m not working tonight. I’m going to go see Dad and Lisa and fill them in.”

  Cal was gone and her shoulders were heaving as she tried to get her breathing under control. I walked toward her as glass crunched under my shoes. For the first time I noticed she was barefoot and there were spots of blood on the floor. I reached my arm out and gently took some strands of her hair between my fingers and she shuddered in response. Then, like a chain reaction, she started sobbing.

  I cradled her to me before she sank to the glass covered floor; her sobs were so guttural that I was on the verge of begging her to stop. Her legs completely gave out so I lifted her in my arms. She was limp except for the sniffling and raspy breaths she let out between sobs. Her head was resting against my chest and her hands were lifeless in her lap. I turned to the stairs and started walking us to the bedroom and she began to quiet.

  Setting her down on the end of the bed I said, “Stay here, I need to check your feet.” I walked to the bathroom doorway and checked to see she hadn’t moved. Rummaging through her cabinets I looked for bandages, ointment and tweezers.

  I sat down next to her with my supplies before placing her feet in my lap and examining them one at a time. Her left foot seemed to be fine. I ran my fingertips gingerly over the pads of her toes, the ball of her foot and the heel and didn’t feel any slivers of glass and she didn’t flinch. When I lifted her right foot, splotches of blood covered the bottom of it. I didn’t even know where to start cleaning.

  “Cassidy, I should clean this in the sink first.” She was silent except for the small moan she released as I scooped her up.

  I set her down on the counter and turned her to place her right foot in the sink. I turned the water to warm and let the water flow over her foot. The blood started to disappear from her foot and circle the drain. When the blood was all gone, I turned the water off before examining her foot again. I could see a glint of glass on the ball of her foot and I removed it easily with the tweezers. The bleeding seemed to have stopped, but I covered it with a bandage anyway.

  She had another piece stuck in the pad of her big toe that I couldn’t retrieve with the tweezers. I stuck her toe in my mouth and began sucking. That seemed to get her attention as she watched me with little emotion on her face. Eventually, I sucked the glass far enough out that I managed grab it with the tweezers. It didn’t bleed so I carried her back to the bed.

  “I’m sorry.” She wouldn’t look at me, her voice was hoarse, but I was happy to hear her speak.

  “You don’t have to apologize. You have every right to be angry.” We were lying down on the covers face to face, though she still wouldn’t make eye contact. “I just want you safe and happy. I’m sorry it’s so complicated.”

  “I don’t deserve you.” Her voice was cracking again.

  “Shhh, you’re right, you deserve more.” I pulled her to me as she clung to my shirt. I wrapped my arms and legs around her and soon I felt the calm coming over her, knowing she had to be utterly exhausted.

  I went to get up to go clean the mess downstairs and she latched on to me tighter. I looked to her face but her eyes were closed and I swore she was asleep.

  She whispered, “No, please don’t go. I need you, I love you, please don’t leave me. Everybody leaves.”

  Her words were like a punch to the gut. “I’m not leaving you Cassidy…ever.” I held her for quite some time before I drifted off to sleep with her, wondering if she knew she’d spoken the words to me out loud and not just in a dream.

  

  I woke to find her curled in a ball on the other side of the bed. I noticed that it was dark and looked at my watch; it was past six p.m. I covered her with a blanket and headed downstairs, thinking about her whispered words ‘I love you
’.

  I cleaned up all the glass and the mess. After searching her fridge, freezer and pantry I began making dinner when I heard her gentle steps treading down the stairs. She poked her head around the corner like a child who had been recently scolded.

  Realizing the mess was gone she said, “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “Shut up, Cassidy.” I raised my eyebrows at her, not sure if she was referring to the mess or to dinner. She looked lost in her own home, unsure of her next move. “Dinner’s almost ready if you want to set the table.”

  She nodded, grabbed plates, silverware and glasses and took them to the table. She sat down as I carried the food over. I scooped some pasta onto her plate, along with a chicken breast, before returning with sauce.

  “It smells delicious.”

  Waiting for me to join her before taking a bite I said, “Your brother told me what happened to you after your mom died.” The clank of the fork on her plate was deafening. “Cassidy, I don’t want any more secrets. Cal told me out of concern.”

  Her face paled before it flushed and her spine went rigid. “Well I don’t have any more secrets now, do I?” She placed her head in her hands and started rubbing her scalp.

  “Cassidy, please talk to me.”

  “What is there left to say? You have your out. I’m the crazy girl who swallowed a bottle of pills. I understand if you want out. Go, go ahead. I’ll survive. I always survive.”

  I pushed my chair out, standing abruptly, causing her to flinch. I squatted down in front of her and grabbed her chin from its hiding place, forcing her to look at me. “Listen closely. I’m not leaving you. We all have regrets, things we’d do differently. You’re not going to do what you did again, are you?”

  “I’m so embarrassed. Of course not! I was young and stupid. You have to know that.” Her eyes were glassy and her chin was quivering.

  “You truly are a phoenix, but you’ll always be MY blackbird.” I leaned in and kissed her gently. She hesitated for a moment before giving in. I pulled away leaving her breathless. “I want you to eat.” I moved my plate and sat next to her, holding her hand while we finished our dinner.