by E. K. Blair
When his shoulders tense up under my hands, he pulls away. I know it's hard for him to stop himself when we are together like this.
"Do you know how hard it was to concentrate on touching up that photo of you?
As I shake my head, he tells me, "You're so fucking beautiful."
I believe him when he says those words to me. I might not feel that way in a day from now, or even an hour from now. But right now, in this moment—I believe him.
After studio ends, Ms. Emerson asks me to stay so that she can watch how my solo is progressing. Last time I rehearsed with her, it was a disaster. I'm beginning to feel the power of the piece when I dance. I know she wants me to focus on myself when I hear the music, but I just can't go to that place yet. Instead, I think about Ryan and everything he's told me about growing up and the violence in his house. It's been enough to help me better connect with the piece.
"Okay, Candace. Are you ready?" she asks as she grabs the remote to the stereo and takes her place at the front of the room.
"Yes." I walk to the center and place my feet in fifth position, waiting for the music to begin. When the strings begin to echo through the speakers, I slowly relevè on my pointes and begin my series of chainès across the floor. The low hum of the cello vibrates within my chest as I work through the movements. My heart thumps harder with the staccato brushes of the violins, and I'm spot on when I turn into my fouettè sequence. I flow through the progressions and the twinge in my stomach courses through my body as the music slowly fades into nothingness.
The room is quiet except for the breaths flowing in and out of my lungs. When I look over at Ms. Emerson, she's walking toward me. Standing in front of me, she says without any inflection in her voice, "That's better."
She says nothing else, and turns to walk out of the room. When the door closes behind her, I let out a puff of breath and allow myself the relief of a huge smile. Replaying her words, those two simple words, in my head, I spend the next hour dancing and feeling. Even though I am feeling someone else's pain, I'm still feeling.
When I leave the studio and get into my car, I decide to stop by the loft and surprise Ryan before he has to go into work for the night.
"Hey, babe!" Ryan says when he opens the door. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you before you left for work."
Picking me up in his arms, I laugh before he kisses me.
"I've missed you this week," he says as he sets me back down.
"Sorry. Auditions are in a few weeks, and then I won't be living in the studio."
"Candace!"
Leaning over to look around Ryan, I see Gavin walking over.
"Hey, Gavin. What are you doing here?"
"Just stopped by to bullshit with Ryan."
I look back at Ryan and say, "I'm sorry, I should have called before stopping by."
Gavin grabs my hand and pulls me inside. "Wanna beer?"
"Um, no."
Walking past me, Ryan says, "I'll get you a water."
"Thanks." I love that he knows exactly what I need without having to ask.
Gavin and I sit down in front of the TV where they have been watching SportsCenter.
Pointing the neck of his beer bottle to my head, he jokes, "What's with the hair, grandma?"
"Don't be a dick," Ryan says as he hands me a bottle of water and sits down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder.
I shake my head at their banter and unscrew the lid to my water. "I was in the dance studio all day," I say and then take a long drink of water.
"How'd that go?" Ryan asks. He knows I've been having a lot of bad studios and rehearsals lately.
"It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo."
"Really? That's great, babe."
"Well, actually all she said was 'that's better' but coming from her, that's huge."
"You coming out with us tonight?" Gavin asks me.
"Umm," I say, turning my attention to Ryan, wondering what Gavin's talking about.
"Gavin's just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that's all."
"Oh," I say and turn my attention back to Gavin. "No, I've got plans."
I feel left out of Ryan's life with his friends. I know it's my own doing, so I try to not let it affect me. I know it's just me being over-sensitive, but I can't help the feeling of being left out.
"What are you doing?" Ryan asks.
"I'm going to Jase's to hang out. We haven't had a lot of time to see each other lately."
"Come with me to my office before you go," he says as he stands up and takes my hand.
"If you guys are gonna fuck, I'm out," Gavin says.
"Dude!" Ryan snaps at him.
Shrugging his shoulders, he says, "What? It wouldn't be the first time."
I look at him in disbelief when he says, "Just sayin'," as he leans back on the couch and turns up the TV.
Ryan starts leading me to his office, and when he closes the door, he turns around, placing his hands on the door, caging me in.
"Sorry about that. The guy has no filter."
The fact that he isn't denying what Gavin said is making my stomach turn. I want to run out of here, get some space, but I know he won't let me do that. I can't even look at him right now, so I keep my eyes focused on a stack of papers lying on his desk.
"Candace," he says quietly, and I turn my head and look to the floor.
He drops his head and sighs, "I'm sorry."
"Did you really do that?"
Our eyes meet when he looks up and by the look written all over his face and his creased forehead, I can tell he's ashamed to answer me.
He nods his head and says, "Yes."
I feel sick, and I look back down, not knowing what to say. Even though he didn't know me back then, it still hurts. It hurts to know that he has shared something so intimate with those girls. An intimacy that we don't share.
Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I look at him when I ask, "Is that what you want?"
He gently takes my face in his hands, and when I blink, I can feel the heat of my tears rolling down my cheeks.
"No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me."
"That's the problem, though. I can't give you what they could."
"You give me everything." Taking his thumbs, he wipes the tears from under my eyes. "You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you're ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won't be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them."
He leans his forehead against mine and even though I feel upset about the way Ryan was before he met me, I'm also upset for me, that I can't give him what I want to. I can see the pain and regret in his face.
"I shouldn't be upset. I didn't know you then."
"You have every right to be upset."
Not wanting to drag this out, I wrap my hand behind his neck, draw his head to mine, and kiss him. I don't want to think about it anymore; I just want to have peace with Ryan.
"I've missed you," he mumbles over my lips, and when he does, I pull him closer to me and cover his mouth with mine. "Stay with me tonight?"
Parting our lips from each other, I whisper, "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I promised Jase I'd stay with him."
Ryan lets out a deep sigh, hanging his head down, and I know he's frustrated, but I don't ask. I haven't spent the night with him since last Sunday, and I'm sure it's bothering him.
"You have to work anyway," I say.
"I want you in my bed when I get home."
I release my hands from his neck and look down, feeling guilty, that I'm not giving him the closeness that he wants. I know he'd prefer moving this a lot faster than we are, but I feel like I'm pushing myself as it is.
"Ryan..." I whisper.
"I know," he says as he leans his forehead against mine.
I know he doesn't really understand my feelings of apprehension, and it hurts me that he
's feeling this way because of me.
I cup his cheeks and pull up on my toes, pressing my lips into his, and when I do, he holds my head in his hands as well. We hold the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away.
"I should go."
"I'll walk you out."
We walk through the house and Gavin looks up and asks, "You heading out already?"
"Yeah, I gotta go."
"Good seeing you again."
I smile and turn toward the door with Ryan and say goodbye.
"Ryan's frustrated with me."
"What makes you say that?" Jase asks while chopping up the peppers for the stir-fry he's making.
"I just get the feeling that he is. I mean, we've been together for a few months and haven't done anything more than kiss. He has to be getting annoyed with me."
"But he hasn't said anything?"
"No, I don't think he would though."
"Do you trust him?"
Taking a sip of my wine and setting down the glass, I say, "Yeah, but I'm scared he's going to compare me. I mean, how could he not? It's only natural, right?"
"No, it's not. It's not like that. You're someone new to him, and he clearly loves you. He would be a total ass to compare you."
I widen my eyes when he says that Ryan loves me, and he catches the look on my face when he sets down the knife and questions me, "What?"
"God, Jase, you think he loves me?"
"Candace, have you seen the way he looks at you? Yes, the guy loves you." He scoops up the peppers and onions and dumps them into the hot skillet, shaking it around and flipping the vegetables. When he turns back around, he laughs. "Why do you look so surprised?"
"Because, I just...I mean..."
"Do you love him?"
"Jase!"
"Seriously. Do you?"
"At times when we are together I feel like I do. I mean...I think I do. Honestly, I am overwhelmed most of the time. But I'm scared. All I know is that I have never felt this way about anyone else."
"What are you so scared of?"
"Everything."
He turns around, picks up the skillet, and pours the stir-fry onto our plates. We walk into the living room and set them down on the coffee table to cool when he continues, "Explain to me what everything is."
I empty out my thoughts with Jase because I know I can tell him anything and he will never judge me. "I'm scared I might freak out on him, and he'll think I'm weird and won't want to waste his time with me. I'm scared I'm not enough for him. I'm worried he will somehow know what happened to me, and he'll be disgusted by me. And I'm scared of losing him, for whatever reason. What if this thing ends up badly and I'm left hurt?"
"If that does happen, you'll be okay. You're strong. I know you don't see it, but I do. You're the strongest person I know."
"I don't feel like it."
"You are. And everyone has fears in a new relationship. It doesn't make you weak; it makes you real. I was scared when Mark and I got back together. Scared that somehow I would screw it up again. That I would fall for him and then he would realize what a dick I was and leave. Scared that his family wouldn't like me. I was scared of a lot, but I still wanted him more than I wanted to give up."
"But everything that Mark was telling us. The stuff about all the girls. It's true."
"What did he say?"
I don't tell Jase everything, because what Ryan told me is private, and I want to keep it that way, so I say, "He said it was a rough time in his life, and he used women as a distraction. I asked him how many and he just told me it was a lot. But today when I stopped by his place, one of his friends was there, and he made a comment that's really been bothering me."
I pick up my plate and start moving the food aimlessly around as I continue, "So, Ryan and I were walking to his office to talk, and his friend made a remark about us having sex in there and that it wouldn't be the first time Ryan has done that."
"God."
"I know. So, when we were alone, I got upset, but then I felt bad for him. You should have seen the look on his face, Jase. It was horrible. I know he felt embarrassed, so I let it go and didn't say anything else."
"That's probably best. I mean, what is there really to say?"
"I know. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about that stuff happening at his place, and now I'm hanging out there."
"That sucks, but you can't think about all that. It's just going to eat at you."
I take a big bite of food, tilt my head back, and say, "I know," so that none of it falls out of my mouth.
Laughing at me, he jokes, "Is that how they taught you to eat at the country club?"
We both laugh and enjoy our dinner, dropping all serious conversation aside.
After dinner we simply hang out like we used to, watching trash TV and relaxing. We decide to call it a night around midnight. We lie down in his bed to sleep. We have been sleeping together for the past four years. I have always found it to be comforting, not sexual at all. Being able to have that closeness with Jase has really bonded us together. I know I can totally be free and open with him, and I need that. I don't have that with anyone else. He's seen me at my absolute worst, and has never abandoned me.
I've been studying and trying to get ahead in my classes this afternoon. Knowing that my audition is in a couple of weeks, I have been spending most of my free time at the studio. Kimber has been at her parents' house all weekend, so I have the house to myself.
I've been working on a project for one of my classes for the past few hours when Ryan drops by. I welcome the distraction as we hang out in my room and talk. I can tell something is bothering him, and I just assume it has something to do with what Gavin said yesterday at his place.
But before I can say anything, he says, "I need to talk to you about something."
Sitting on my bed, I cross my legs and say, "Okay," feeling a little nervous at the seriousness in his tone.
"Look, I get your relationship with Jase, and I haven't ever had any issues with it, but I don't like that you guys still sleep together."
"But, it's not like that."
"I know, but I still don't like it."
"But..."
He turns to face me, placing his hands on my knees, and says, "I know it isn't like that with you two. I get it. But I don't like the thought of you in bed with another man holding you. I want to be that guy. I want you to want me to be that guy, not Jase."
When I hear the crack in his voice, I know that this is really affecting him. Returning the honesty, I tell him, "I want you to be that guy, but I don't know how. Jase is so unthreatening to me because he's just my friend."
"Why do you think I'm threatening?"
My hands begin to fidget when I tell him, "Because you could easily walk away from me." I have to look away from him because the honesty I just put out there is too much for me.
He scoots right up next to me and says, "You think it would be easy for me to walk away? It wouldn't be easy, babe. And I doubt there is anything you could say or do that would make me want to walk away. It kills me that you're so scared of me."
When I look up at him, I confess, "You're the only person I've ever felt this way about, and I don't want to lose you."
He shifts on his knees and leans into me until I am lying on my back. He's supporting himself above me on his one elbow and wraps his other hand around my head, pulling me in for a slow kiss. I hold his face in my hands as his lips dance across mine. When he pulls back, he takes his time staring at me, and I get lost in his clear-blue eyes for a moment before he says, "You're not gonna lose me, babe. I love you too much to let you go."
The pounding of my heart is all I can hear as I try to digest his words, and I know that I love him too. I just can't bare myself that much to him, so I clench my need to say it back to him. The love I feel for him overtakes me, and I start to blink out the tears that fill my eyes. When I nod my head, he leans down and melds his mouth to mine, gliding his tongue across mine. I pull him down on me
as I grab his hair with my other hand. I need to be close to him, to somehow show him that I do love him, even though I can't say the words yet.
He reaches down and skims the skin between my pants and my top with his knuckles, and I begin to quiver under his touch, but I allow it. I need to give him more. He flips his hand and begins running his palm up my stomach slowly. My breaths become short, and I try to focus more on his kisses than his wandering hand.
Holding him tight against me, I lean my head forward and nestle it in the crook of his neck. His hand stops right below my bra, and he keeps it there. I know I have to try, so I whisper with a tremble, "It's okay." Dropping his mouth on my shoulder, he grazes his lips across my sensitive skin, kissing and gently sucking as he covers my lace-covered breast with his hand. Pushing my head harder into his shoulder, I hold on tightly to him.
"God, you're perfect," he mumbles between his kisses, and when I feel his thumb skim across my nipple, a whimper escapes my mouth.
Lifting his head up, he says, "Don't hide from me, babe."
I slowly let my head fall back onto the pillow and open my eyes. A few locks of his hair have fallen over his forehead, and his eyes are locked on mine. Keeping his hand on my breast, I pull him down for a kiss. He hooks his finger under the lace of my bra and slides it across my bare skin. Our legs are tangled together, and when he starts to tug at the fabric, I get a flash of Jack tugging at my bra, and my body tenses up. "Please, don't."
Ryan doesn't say anything as he slides his hand from underneath my shirt and moves it to my head, threading his fingers through my hair.
"I'm sorry."
"Look at me," he demands, and when I do, he continues, "When we're together like this, I don't ever want you to be sorry for anything, okay?"
Nodding my head, he kisses me lightly, barely brushing my lips with his when he says one more time, "I love you, babe."
Sitting at my desk, I finish emailing a paper to one of my professors when there's a soft knock on my bedroom door.
