by Jay Bell
As one, Tim and Ben both looked to Allison. She gave Tim a blank look before turning to Ben. Her eyes said “Don’t be mad at me,” and Ben understood. She had previously run into Tim and had told him Ben was in Chicago. Maybe he actually had been at the time, but she had never mentioned the encounter to Ben, which could only mean one thing.
“I’m guessing we go to the same school?” Ben asked, his focus still on his best friend.
“Yeah,” she confirmed.
“Jesus,” Tim said, sitting down at the table.
This was too much. “I have to go.” Ben stood clumsily, the chair almost tipping over behind him and was out the door before anyone could say anything to stop him.
“You should have told me!” he heard Tim scolding Allison before the door of the coffee shop closed.
Ben headed down the street at a pace desperate to become a run. He was heading toward Jace’s apartment until he remembered Jace would be out of town for three more days. Home was in the other direction, which would mean having to walk back by the coffee shop. Ben turned and saw Tim running down the sidewalk toward him.
“Wait,” Tim called out. “Please.”
Ben looked down at his feet, half-expecting to see the same dopey Smashing Pumpkins T-shirt that he was wearing the night that Tim had jogged past him.
“Hey,” Tim panted as he came to a stop. It sounded so casual, as if they were two friends who regularly saw each other.
“What do you want?” Ben shook his head, unable to imagine the answer.
“I don’t know,” Tim said. “I just want to talk to you, I guess.”
Ben breathed in heavily, the smell of Tim filling his nose and tingling on his tongue. This wasn’t happening. “I can’t.”
“I know you’re mad at me,” Tim said, stooping to catch Ben’s eye and failing. “Look, take this.”
A cell phone was pressed into Ben’s hand.
“I’ll call tonight, okay? We’re both in shock right now and need time to think, but I still want to talk to you. Cool?”
Ben nodded. Why the hell not? He could always dump the phone somewhere if he changed his mind.
“All right. I’m going now,” Tim started to walk away, but hesitated. “You were right, Benjamin.”
Ben finally raised his head. “About what?”
“About a lot of things. See you around!”
Tim flashed his winner’s smile and left. Ben watched him walk down the street, expecting him to disappear any moment like a phantom.
Chapter Twenty-one
There was no good cop, bad cop in this interrogation. Only bad cop, and he wanted answers. If need be he would cut off his prisoner from food or water. Or refuse to pay his share of the rent, or something.
“Sophomore year,” Allison reported from the couch, while Ben stood over her, arms crossed like an angry parent. “I would always pass him after composition. I noticed him right away, but it took Tim ages to see me.”
“But one day he did and stopped to talk to you?”
“Mm-hm. The first thing out of his mouth was a question about you. He wanted to know where you were, how you were doing.”
“And?”
“I didn’t tell him anything. Well, I said you were in Chicago, but that was it.”
“Was I still?”
“No. I lied and would have again today if you hadn’t been there.” Allison crossed her own arms. “I did it to protect you.”
“You could have told me. I wouldn’t have run off to meet him.”
“No, but you would have ended up in that hallway one day, just out of curiosity.”
Ben’s shoulders sagged. He knew she was right.
“So, anything else?”
“Not really. Eventually Tim gave up trying to pump me for information and we didn’t see each other after that year.”
Ben sat down on the couch and leaned against her for support. “Do you think I should answer when he calls?”
“No. Think about Jace.”
“Why? Talking on the phone isn’t cheating. It’s not like I’m going to have phone sex with him or something.”
Allison didn’t answer right away. Ben could tell that she was holding something back, trying to decide whether it would help or harm her case. Ben waited. If she decided not to tell him, he would force it out of her somehow.
“I’ve heard things,” Allison said at last.
“Go on.”
“Tim has a sugar daddy.”
“What do you mean?” Ben asked, his stomach clenching.
“Some old guy. I don’t really know details, but he’s supposed to be rolling in it. You really think someone as pretty as Tim is hanging around a rich old guy for fun?”
Ben didn’t reply. He didn’t want to imagine his high school sweetheart grunting over some old bag of bones for cash. Maybe he shouldn’t take Tim’s call. Why tarnish his memories even further with more lurid details?
“Why don’t you call Jace instead?” Allison suggested.
She was right, of course. That’s just what he would do.
* * * * *
Summer burned and blazed with a vengeance, as if it had something to prove. Ben tossed and turned in bed, the sheets tangled up around his legs. The window air conditioning unit couldn’t cope with more than mild warmth, so he had shut it off and opened the other window. Cicadas buzzed outside, invigorated by the heat.
Ben had stripped down to his underwear but was still sweating as he drifted in and out of sleep. He hadn’t called anyone that night and no one had called him. Ben had fiddled with Tim’s phone, looking at the stored numbers and wondering what sort of people were on the other end. Each male name listed was a leering old man in Ben’s mind, clutching a wad of hundred dollar bills in one hand while gesturing to the bulge in his plaid trousers with the other. Then there was the number listed as “Home.” Where did that lead to? A place of Tim’s own, or to his parents back in the The Woodlands? Eventually Ben grew tired of wondering and longed for the blissful limbo of sleep. He left the phone on the pillow beside him, and it was still there when it began to buzz like a bee.
Ben groped around until he found the vibrating phone. He answered blearily, forgetting that it wasn’t his own. “Hullo?”
“Hey! Were you sleeping?”
Ben jolted awake. “No! I mean, yeah.”
“It’s only 11 p.m.,” Tim chided. “What sort of college boy are you?”
Ben hesitated. Should he enter into casual banter, or should he start shooting off questions? He didn’t want to pretend nothing had happened and that they had always been on good terms.
“Where were you?” he tried.
“Oh. I had a study group and we went out for--”
“No. I mean, where were you?”
“What? You mean the last five years?” Now it was Tim’s turn to lapse into silence. “All right, uh, high school. Fuck. Senior year I went to Conroe High School instead.”
“Just to get away from me?”
“To get away from myself,” Tim corrected. “Man, you aren’t going to make this easy, are you?”
“No.”
“Maybe doing this over the phone was a bad idea.”
Maybe not, Ben thought. Not being able to see how handsome Tim was went a long way in helping Ben stay angry. He switched on the bedside lamp and reached for the photos from London. He flipped through them until he found the photo of the London Eye. While riding the massive Ferris wheel, Jace had held the camera out at arm’s length and snapped a photo of him and Ben kissing. That memory was like a cold shower right now.
“Can’t we meet up? Talk face to face?” Tim tried.
“No, I don’t think so.” Ben almost laughed.
“Why? Are you indecent? Lying in your bed with nothing but your boxers on?”
Ben paused. He had heard a strange echo over the phone.
“You’re still so damn scrawny!” Tim chuckled from the window, snapping his phone shut. “But it suits you.”
�
��Jesus Christ!” Ben swore. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Let me in before somebody calls the cops,” Tim said, pressing his face against the screen.
“I should call them myself! How did you find me?”
“Looked up Allison in the phone book. C’mon, let me in.”
Ben shook his head ruefully and grabbed a shirt. He headed to the front door, but stopped to check himself in the bathroom mirror. Not for anyone else’s sake but his own, he promised himself. He wanted to look good so Tim knew exactly what he was missing. Ben decided to make him wait even longer and went for a glass of iced tea before opening the front door.
Tim stepped in, ignoring Ben’s personal space. He smelled like cologne and beer, an enticing combination.
“You know what?” Ben placed a hand on Tim’s chest to stop him, not the best move considering how impressive it felt. “This isn’t a good idea. Wait outside. I’ll get dressed and we can go for a walk.”
Tim looked disappointed but shrugged and stepped back into the night. Score one for the home team, Ben thought. I’m in charge of the situation, not him. He hurried to get dressed, a sense of excitement welling up within him that he mentally chastised before giving into. Why not be excited? He would finally get all the puzzle pieces he had been missing over the years. Tim would answer his questions, Ben might even flirt, but at the end of the evening there would only be blue balls. For them both probably, but at least Ben could call Jace and talk dirty for some release.
When he was about to turn off the bedroom light he noticed the London photo and pocketed it to use as a talisman, should his body stop listening to his heart. When he left the duplex he found Tim leaning against a sports car in his best James Bond pose. Ben wondered if Tim’s sugar daddy had bought it for him as the image of the leering old man returned to his mind. He made sure to ignore the car, no matter how impressively shiny and new it was. He walked past Tim, gesturing that he should follow.
“Same old Benjamin,” Tim remarked as he pushed away from the car. “Always knowing what you want and getting it.”
“Yeah, well, not everything’s the same,” Ben retorted, not having a clue what he meant. All he knew was that he needed to sound more mysterious than he actually was. “So how did Conroe High treat you?”
“Same shit, different school,” Tim replied. “Well, not completely the same. There was no you.”
“What about girls?” Ben asked.
“Tried to avoid them. Just had a prom date senior year.”
“Krista Norman again?” Ben spat, feeling surprised at how much he still despised her all these years later.
“No. Not Krista. I stopped seeing her about the same time that we beat the crap out of Bryce.”
Ben smiled at the memory.
“That was another good reason to switch schools,” Tim added. “I’m sure Bryce was aching for a rematch. They give you any more trouble?”
“Not really.” There had been the usual name calling but nothing more, although Ben had carried pepper spray until graduation.
Ben led them to a tiny park squeezed between two parking lots. There was only space for a couple of benches, a tangle of untended plants, and the occasional drunk. They pushed past the bushes to a large flat rock that offered seating next to the river.
“Nice view,” Tim commented.
The tranquil sound of the water combined with the reflection of city lights on the river made this one of Ben’s favorite places for solitary thinking. Occasionally he brought Jace along. They once had frenzied sex here, wondering all the while if they were going to be caught. Bringing Tim here wasn’t a betrayal. Ben was using the memories of Jace as reinforcements to his willpower.
Tim let Ben sit first before plopping down himself. With both of them cross-legged, the little rock didn’t afford enough room for them to sit without their knees brushing against each other. Ben readjusted, pulling his legs up and holding them against his chest.
“So what about you?” Tim asked. “Drag any lucky guys to the prom?”
“So straight from high school to Austin then?” Ben asked, ignoring the question.
“Yeah, pretty much. My dad graduated from here and insisted that I do the same. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I agreed. It’s worked out pretty well so far. People are so liberal in Austin that it’s easy to be gay here.”
Ben almost toppled over. “You came out?”
“Yeah.” Tim beamed at him. “Got kicked out of a fraternity because of it, too.”
“Seriously?” Ben asked, grudgingly impressed.
“Yeah. It was stupid, too, since I’d slept with half of them before coming out. Well, not half, but you know.”
Ben didn’t know, but he couldn’t help imagining. He thought such things only took place in porn movies.
“A lot of the frat boys were the same way I used to be,” Tim said. “Some just liked to mess around, which was all right, but some guys were so closeted they couldn’t even admit it to themselves. I guess I got a good taste of what I put you through.”
Ben was silent. He hadn’t expected Tim to ever come out. That he had was incredible. How had his life changed since then? Did he have boyfriends? Did he take them home to meet his family? How did his parents feel?
“So tell me about your life,” Tim pressed. “Was Chicago just a lie to keep me away from you?”
“No, I was there for almost two years.”
“Did you like it?”
“I loved it. Everything but the weather. The museums were amazing, the shopping—just the city itself. There was always something going on. Culture thrives there. It didn’t feel like a dead city, like Houston.”
“Yeah.” Tim nodded, remembering. “Austin must seem boring in comparison.”
“Not really. It’s taken me a little while, but it’s starting to feel like home.”
“You know,” Tim leaned toward him, “they say home is where the heart is.”
“They also say you can never go home again,” Ben pointed out.
“Touché!” Tim shrugged. “So what about guys? I guess you’ve probably dated a lot?”
Now it was Ben’s turn to shrug. Part of him wanted to keep Tim in the dark about his love life, to reinforce that Tim had forfeited his right to be a part of Ben’s life. Then again, bragging about Jace would be satisfying. Inspiration struck. Ben took the photo of him and Jace out of his pocket and handed it to Tim.
“His name is Jace. We’ve been together for over two years. Someday he’s going to take me to Paris.”
Tim took the photo and examined it wordlessly. He swallowed roughly. He was holding back tears! Ben instantly regretted his decision and cursed himself.
“I guess I deserve this.” Tim’s voice was trembling.
“I’m sorry,” Ben whispered, wanting to reach out and comfort him in ways that he no longer could.
“Don’t be,” Tim said, pulling himself together. “I missed my chance, right? A guy like you doesn’t stay single.”
“You either,” Ben smiled sympathetically.
Tim shook his head. “Nope. Not since you.”
“But you said-- The frat boys?”
“That was just sex,” Tim snorted. “All the guys I’ve been with were nothing more than a one-night stand or fuck buddies. None of them meant anything.”
In Ben’s darker moments, he had hoped that Tim would never find anyone else and would always regret leaving him. Now that he was face to face with that reality, Ben wished the opposite. They should be sitting here, both boasting about their boyfriends and exchanging stories of their romantic escapades. The idea of Tim being alone all these years was tragic. A bit unlikely, too!
“You can’t tell me that none of those guys fell for you,” Ben challenged. “If not a frat boy, then someone.”
Tim grinned, having fully recovered himself. “There were a few, yeah, but they weren’t--” He shot a glance at Ben and let the sentence hang before he stood and stretched. “I tracked you d
own tonight in the hopes of seducing you, but instead the evening was completely embarrassing.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“You aren’t the one who almost cried. I think I’m going to cash in my chips and call it a night. Hey, you still have my phone?”
“Yeah.” Ben stood to dig it out.
“Good. Here, trade me. You can have this one,” Tim handed him one that was nearly identical. “I bought it to stalk you tonight, but I obviously don’t need it anymore. It’s all paid up.”
“I can’t,” Ben protested.
“You can. Besides, I like the idea of being able to get a hold of you whenever I want.”
“Oh. Well, thanks.”
They walked back to Tim’s car in silence. Ben struggled for something to say. So much of his life revolved around Jace that making conversation without bringing him up was difficult and he didn’t want to upset Tim further. As they approached the car, the sugar daddy issue came to mind, but there were some things Ben would rather not know about.
“I’m happy for you, Benjamin,” Tim said. “I’m glad that someone recognized how special you are and held on tight.”
“Thanks,” Ben said awkwardly. “I’m sure there’s someone out there for you, too.”
“Oh, there is.” Tim winked.
Ben didn’t know quite what to make of this as Tim slipped into his car and was gone. He looked down at the new cell phone in his hand. What had he gotten himself into?
Chapter Twenty-two
Ben didn’t know what Tim’s major was, but it wasn’t in subtlety. He didn’t hesitate to make use of the cell phone he’d given Ben. He called the next morning just to “test the phone” and to ask what classes Ben had. Then he called in the afternoon to invite him go-kart racing. Ben gave a flimsy excuse not to go. In the evening Tim called to inform him that he was picking him up anyway.
Ben gave in, despite Allison’s disapproval. On the go-kart track that night, an epic race of tiny proportions took place. Ben took the lead, the symbolism of being chased by Tim not at all lost on him. He half expected a go-kart version of an airplane, piloted by Jace naturally, to descend from the sky and attack. Like a miniature Red Baron, Jace would rain twin trails of bullets down the track until Tim’s car exploded into flames. Of course this never happened. Instead Tim announced that Ben had earned a round of beers on his tab for winning the race and chauffeured him off to a bar.
