by Jay Bell
Saturday was a scorcher, the heat making work on his thesis twice as grueling as usual. As if reading his mind, Tim called him on the cell phone.
“Two words,” he began. “Swimming pool.”
He could have said “free ice cubes” and Ben would have come running.
The pool behind the house had an elegant winding shape, edges lined with stained wood, the walls with decorative tile. Tim, wearing swimming trunks and a plain grey tank top, balanced a serving tray loaded with pitcher and glasses. Chinchilla was busy dragging towels around the edge of the pool, growling as if she’d just vanquished a deadly foe. Ben sighed, unable to picture a more inviting scene.
“Monsieur,” Tim said as he poured a glass of Kool-Aid.
Ben took a sip and tried not to wince. The drink mix contained too much sugar, but at least it was cold. Ben downed the rest before stripping down to his trunks and jumping in the water, Tim cannonballing after him.
“This is really nice,” Ben said, treading water after submerging a couple of times.
“It’s not bad,” Tim said. “Too small to do any laps though, making it a glorified bathtub.”
“Whatever you say. Pools are meant for relaxing, not working out.”
“Working out is relaxing.”
“Whatever, muscle boy,” Ben teased.
“I don’t remember you ever complaining.” Tim dove underwater, performing an underwater handstand before surfacing again. “Finals out of the way?”
“Yeah,” Ben nodded.
“And Jace? You two patch things up yet?”
Ben turned in the water, not wanting Tim to see the unhappy look on his face. “Kind of the opposite. We’re taking a break.”
“Wow,” Tim said after a moment of silence. “Benjamin Bentley is back on the market.”
“Not exactly.”
“No?”
“I don’t know.”
Ben let the topic drop. He didn’t want to think about it right now. Instead they started splashing Chinchilla, who ran around the edge of the pool, barking. She would dodge the water before running back to drink from the puddles they left behind. Soaking her would have been easy, but they made sure to miss on purpose. Eventually they tired of the pool, so they retreated to the deck chairs.
“Put some oil on my back?” Tim asked.
Ben snorted. “Could you think of a more clichéd line?”
“Tried and true,” Tim replied shamelessly. “It’s withstood the test of time for a reason.”
“Fair enough.” Ben sat on the edge of Tim’s deck chair. He was about to squeeze some of the oil onto his back when Tim rolled over.
“Think my front needs some, actually.”
Ben waited for a laugh, but Tim’s face had grown serious. The bottle of oil almost shook in his hands as the oil dribbled onto Tim’s chest. The nervousness soon turned to lust when Ben re-experienced just how good Tim’s body felt. He rubbed his pecs, feeling the nipples harden beneath his hand. Then he moved down to the six-pack.
Tim was transparently hard by this point, but then, so was Ben. Thoughts faded into the background as instinct took over. Tim grabbed Ben by the arms, pulling him down for a kiss. Lips and tongues danced as Tim’s hands pulled and yanked at their swimming suits. Ben worked with him, squirming until his trunks were low enough to be kicked off. He glanced down at Tim’s dick, which looked even bigger than it had when he was a teenager.
Their kisses intensified while they rubbed against each other. Ben was about to go down on him when Tim grabbed the oil. He squeezed some onto both of their cocks, grinding them together momentarily before pulling Ben upward so that he could get between his legs. Before Ben could protest, Tim took him by the wrists. With his hands pinned behind his back, Ben was forced to lay all of his weight on Tim. He gasped in pain and then pleasure as Tim entered him. Then Tim began pumping like a piston, the hissing of his breath in Ben’s ear reminiscent of a steam engine.
Ben squirmed and writhed, eager to reach down and play with himself but unable to with his hands restrained. His cock rubbed against Tim’s stomach, sending waves of pleasure through him that threatened to drive him mad if he didn’t find release soon, but Tim didn’t relent. They continued in this manner for what felt like an eternity, both of their bodies slick with oil and sweat, until Tim’s thrusting increased in speed. The friction was enough to send Ben over the edge at the same time that Tim reached his climax. They moaned loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear before collapsing in an exhausted heap.
Tim released Ben’s wrists and wrapped him tightly in his arms. “Welcome back,” he murmured.
* * * * *
Allison pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. Then she dropped her hand and shook her head while giving him a “Mm, mm, mm, mm.” Ben hated when she was this dramatic, but he probably deserved it.
“I knew it,” she said, picking up her fork and poking at the leftover crème brulée. “As soon as you offered to take me out to dinner, I knew you had done something stupid.”
“Stupid might be putting it strongly,” Ben said in defense.
“Jace.”
All right, that put him in his place.
“You’re right,” Ben sighed, “but I don’t even know where things stand with him.”
“Do you still love him?”
“Yes.”
“Then what are you doing?” Allison’s expressive eyes pleaded with him to start making sense. “I know we’re both shocked to learn that Jace isn’t perfect, but how many times has he forgiven you? Patch things up with him and put as much distance as you can between you and your past.”
Ben shook his head. “Tim isn’t my past, not any more. He’s just as much a part of my life now as Jace is. Was. I know you’ve never forgiven Tim for hurting me, but I love him. It’s inexplicable and probably stupid, but I do.”
“You can’t have both of them,” Allison said. “There’s a reason you never see three old people walking through a park and holding hands. It just doesn’t happen.”
Ben wasn’t sure about that. The world was a big place, but it was a moot point since Jace wouldn’t have it. As possessive as Tim could be, he probably wouldn’t either.
“Tim was your first in a lot of ways,” Allison pressed. She pointed through a waiter to the entrance. “If Ronnie Adams walked through that door right now, I’m sure my heart would be all pitter-patter as well, but we had our chance and it didn’t work out. We’ve both moved on, and that’s for the best. You moved on too, but Tim never did. Now he’s dragged you right back to where you left off.”
She had a point. Regardless of the years that had passed, they had started up again as if nothing had happened. But she was wrong about them having had their chance. His relationship with Tim had been cut short, ended by Tim’s fear of what society and his parents would think. Now he was old enough to live the kind of life he wanted without fear of being kicked out of the house. Allison and Ronnie’s relationship had played itself out naturally, but his romance with Tim never had.
“Earth to Ben.”
“Sorry. You’ve just given me a lot to think about.”
“Let me ask you this,” Allison said. “What is it you see in Tim? I mean aside from his drool-worthy good looks and the whole high school sweetheart thing. I get that, but is there really more to it?”
Ben had never found this easy to explain. There was so much more to Tim beneath the surface that others didn’t see. The vulnerability on his face when he’d given Ben the painting as a birthday present was a good example. Everyone figured Tim was as proud as he acted, and maybe he often was, but there were other times that he was anything but confident.
Those emotions had been easier to see since their reunion. The sentimental way Tim spoke of Eric and how naturally he’d taken to caring for Chinchilla. Then of course, there was the way Ben felt needed by him, the way Tim’s desire almost overwhelmed him. None of this was obvious to anyone but him.
“I know this is going
to sound lame,” Ben said at last, “but when he and I are alone together, he’s different. He needs me. Sometimes I look at him and all I see is that hurt teenager whose parents never treated him like they should. I see that, and I want to help him. Jace is the opposite since he has it so together. I know he loves me, but he was fine before we met and will be now that it’s over.”
“That’s it exactly,” Allison said. “The way you feel about Tim needing you is exactly how Jace feels about you. He’s always been there to support and guide you, and I bet that makes him feel complete. There’s no way he can just shrug that off. If you can’t say good-bye to Tim so easily, then don’t think Jace cares so little about his role in your life.”
Ben’s mind was abuzz with this new perspective. “God, you’re awesome.”
“I know.” Allison smiled before getting back to business. “You can reward my excellence by promising me something.”
“What?”
“Go see Jace tomorrow. Don’t call him, just go over there, look him in the eye, and talk. That’s all.”
Ben nodded.
The next day he began the drive to Jace’s apartment, but then he imagined telling Jace that he had slept with Tim. Jace would probably confess his own infidelities then, which would hurt almost as bad. The entire scenario sounded heart wrenching. Ben just couldn’t face it. Allison would want a full report if he went back home, so instead he drove to Tim’s house.
No one was home, but Ben found the sliding door in the back unlocked. He let himself in after allowing Chinchilla to potty in the yard. Entering the silent home felt like unearthing a tomb that had been sealed for centuries, one full of potential treasures and traps. As much as Ben felt he knew Tim, he always had the nagging sensation that there were details he didn’t know, too many thoughts kept hidden. As Ben explored the house, he knew that he was searching for those answers.
One thing stood out. Despite the house being full of art, none of it was Tim’s. Even in their youth Tim had one of his paintings on his bedroom wall. Maybe this was a hobby he didn’t pursue anymore, but Ben found that hard to believe. Surely he had a studio hidden away somewhere.
Ben explored the house from top to bottom and turned up nothing. While looking out the staircase windows he spotted the garage. Tim never parked his car inside, even though he still fawned over his vehicle like a beloved pet. Ben tried the door on the side of the boxy building, but it was locked. This led to another search. Finally he found a set of keys in a kitchen drawer, and one worked.
The garage was flooded by natural light from a skylight. Except for a clear area in the center where a lone easel stood, the rest of the room was lined with paintings, stacked three or four deep. Tim had been a busy boy!
Ben began looking through his work. Some pieces he recognized from the past; others were new. Tim’s painting had become much more expressive. Some were wild and daring, with shocks of vivid color dominating the canvas. Others were dark, small, and claustrophobic. Is that how Tim felt when he hid from the world? Or were they from his time alone after Eric had died?
Then there was a third style found in only a handful of paintings. These contained elements of realism, usually an object in the center that was surrounded by small wisps of color, making it glow with an etheric light. Ben had never seen anything like it before.
The painting on the easel was done in such style. It featured an older man who looked sickly and tired. This was no doubt Eric, but bathed in the radiance of Tim’s new technique, he looked more like an angel than a dying man.
The sound of Tim’s car pulling into the driveway snapped Ben out of his thoughts. He hurried out the door, which was thankfully on the opposite side of the building, just before he was spotted.
“Wow,” Tim grinned. “Think hard enough about something and it’ll come true.”
“What do you mean?”
Tim took him upstairs to his bedroom and showed him. Afterwards, Ben lay with his head on Tim’s chest, idly finger-tracing the lines and contours that shaped his body.
“What are we?” Ben asked.
“After that? Exhausted.”
“Seriously.”
“Well,” Tim replied, “I’d like to think that you’re my boyfriend.”
An unasked question hung in the air. What about Jace?
“Are you staying in Austin after you graduate?” Ben asked, changing topics.
“I guess so. I don’t really want to go back to Houston. Do you?”
“No. Do you ever visit?”
Tim shifted underneath him. “For the holidays, yeah.”
“Your parents will be surprised to see me in your life again.”
Tim didn’t say anything. His silence spoke volumes.
“They don’t know you’re gay, do they?” Ben prompted.
“Why bother telling them?” Tim said. “They’re hardly a part of my life.”
Ben propped up on an elbow so he could better scrutinize his would-be boyfriend. “You said you came out!”
“I did! To friends and lots of other people. I don’t tell my family anything about me.”
“But what if they found out?” Ben said. “Last time that almost happened you ditched me rather than be discovered.”
“I’ll tell them if you want,” Tim grumped. “Am I supposed to call them right now, or can we relax?”
Ben wanted to retort with something smart, or ask why all of his paintings were hidden away in the garage, but he didn’t want to ruin the afternoon. Instead he offered to make something to eat, the cooking time buying him some solitude to think before he served the meal. Ben debated whether or not it mattered that Tim’s parents didn’t know. Now that Tim was no longer dependent on them, they had no say in his life. Ben could imagine that they weren’t close to their son. Still, it hurt him that the one secret that had ruined their relationship the first time was still being kept. If Tim wanted Ben to be a part of his life, that would have to change.
* * * * *
When Ben thought of defending his thesis, he usually imagined a trial—judges sitting high above him in a cold and stony courtroom, scrutinizing his every word and demanding answers to questions he had never thought of. As he discovered Monday morning, the process was much more relaxed than that. He faced one of his professors and two other faculty members who were politely bored throughout his presentation. They asked a few token questions before informing him that he had passed. Ben was glad a graduation ceremony was still to come—otherwise his academic career would have ended with a yawn rather than a bang.
Ben had planned to meet Tim in the cafeteria for lunch, but had finished earlier than expected. He had a good idea where Tim’s current class was and decided to meet him there instead. The halls began to fill with other students as he reached the right area. Finally he spotted Tim. He raised a hand and was about to call out when he saw who Tim was talking to.
The other person had highlighted, primped hair and clothes that were a bit too flashy for someone not on stage. And yet, there Aaron was, chatting casually with Tim, school books in hand. Ben practically gave a battle cry as he ran toward them. Aaron was turning away by the time he reached them, but Ben grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around.
“You go to school here?” Ben snarled.
“What the hell?” Aaron said irritably, but then his face registered recognition. “Oh god! Leave me alone!”
He tried to pull away, but Ben grabbed him with his other hand and tightened his grip.
“I thought you were from out of town. You’re a student here, aren’t you?”
“Ask Tim!” Aaron squealed. “Leave me out your little love triangle.”
Ben let him go, having heard enough. He barely spared Tim a glance as he turned to leave, but now it was his turn to be restrained.
“Benjamin, wait,” Tim said. “Let me explain.”
“You lied! And I was stupid enough to believe you. And now Jace--” He choked on the name, tears welling up. He wasn’t the only one. Ti
m was clenching his jaw, fighting back tears of his own, but a few had already escaped.
“I would do anything to be with you,” Tim said, voice strained. “Yeah, I lied, but I don’t regret it. If that’s what it took to get you back, then it was worth it.”
Ben barely heard his words. He kept thinking of the pain he had put Jace through, and how much worse it would be when Jace learned that he had been with Tim.
Tim tried pulling him in close, but Ben put all his strength into pushing away. He ran to the parking lot, Tim trailing behind and saying anything he could to get him to stay. His words fell on deaf ears until Ben was unlocking his car door.
“You wanted to believe the lie.”
Ben dropped his keys.
“You wanted an excuse to come running to me. You wanted your relationship with Jace to fall apart just as much as I did.”
Ben turned and leaned against his car for support; Tim reached out and caught him by both shoulders. He was right. If Ben was completely honest with himself, he knew Jace would never cheat. Especially with someone as superficial and tasteless as Aaron. Ben had shut away any rational thought when fighting with Jace. He did it to be free. Free to love Tim again. But why? Jace was everything he had always wanted. Why throw that away for a little excitement?
“What is it with us?” Ben asked. “Our lives are always so fucked up when we’re together. Is that what makes us attracted to each other? It’s like those studies where a woman meets a man on a swinging bridge over a crevice and finds him extremely attractive, but when she sees him in a safe environment she barely gives him a second glance. We like each other now, but what happens when the danger dies down, when our love is no longer forbidden or a secret? What’s left between us then?”
“A lot,” Tim said. “I promise.”
