Tiffany had always been too good for me, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to make her happy. But I could be there for her, be a friend like I promised. Even if it killed me to be anything less than hers. I inhaled a sharp breath at the thought. I didn’t fucking belong to anybody but myself. I needed to get this girl out of my system. She was messing with me hardcore.
Todd was home when I walked through the front door. “Hey, bro.” I gave him a short smile as I headed to my room.
“Wait up a second, Seth,” Todd called from the couch.
“Where’s Lily?” I asked.
“She’s already at work. She had to pick up Tiff…” He gave me a wary look. “So?”
“So what?” I wasn’t in the mood for an inquisition. I met his glare and didn’t look away, even when he narrowed his judgmental brown eyes at me. “What?” I tightened my jaw.
“You did… you fucking did… I told you not to shit where I ate man. I knew it, and now it’s weird, and Tiff’s—“
“You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.” My fist curled.
Todd stood and almost came toe to toe with me. “Explain it to me then. You left with her last night. You stayed at her place? Please, explain to me why you thought it’d be a good idea to fuck around with Tiff.”
My temper boiled over, and I shoved him square in the chest making him stumble backwards. “I didn’t.”
Todd gained his balance and clenched his teeth before he spoke. “You didn’t?”
“No, I didn’t. I told you… I’d never fuck Tiffany.” I took a long breath in an effort to calm my temper.
“That’s a damn lie and you know it, you’ve got it bad for that girl. Seth, I’m not stupid.” Todd ran his palm through his hair forcefully. It was a nervous habit he had and one of his many tells. The idea of Tiff and I together freaked him out because he had to work with her. But, he was also my best friend and wanted me to be happy.
“It’s not like that with us.” I let my shoulders relax. Todd was just looking out for her. I had to respect that. Todd knew the monster inside me. He had seen it first hand when we first moved in together. He knew my taste for women was a bit darker than most. My thirst for control ran deeper than he thought was right. He kept that shit to himself, though. Back in the day, Todd had been just as big of a slut, if not bigger, than I was now.
“How is it then?” He sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit too. I didn’t. This wasn’t fucking sharing time, or girls’ night out. Lily had made him soft.
“It’s not your business, bro.”
“I’m gonna to tell you the exact same shit you told me back when I was being an idiot like you.” His smirk was pompous and it irritated the shit out of me.
“Oh yeah? What was that?”
“Pull your head out of your ass and look at what’s right in front of you.” The line of his mouth was serious. “Seth, you like her, so fight for her, even if the fight is with yourself. Aren’t you tired… tired of the game?”
I was exhausted, but I didn’t know anything else. Love, relationships, compromise — all that shit was never taught to me. No, I taught myself about the world. I was a voyeur of the human experience. A boy should never have to grow up without a mother. For so long, I had lacked that empathy, the ability to feel that “special something” that everyone talked about.
“Todd… I just don’t know how… how to be with another person like that. How you are with Lily… I’m just…” I wasn’t denying my feelings for Tiffany. They were there and ever present, but they were burning holes in my heart and in my lungs. Each breath of her scorched its way through my vital organs. It was my naiveté of what to do with all that shit that complicated things. “…I’m at a loss, man. I can’t make her go through all this with me. I’m—“
“Fucked up? Yeah, I know.” He shook his head. “She’s not like all those other girls or your mother.”
“Is that all Dr. Dixon? Am I free to go?” The muscle in my jaw pulsed. His words carried a heavy weight, and after the day I’d had today, I didn’t have the strength to deal with it.
“Don’t be a dick, man. You either like her or you don’t. I think you do. I think you need to stop being a pussy and move the hell on.” Todd stood from the couch and headed to the kitchen.
“I don’t remember asking you your thoughts on the matter.” I was being a stubborn prick. It was just who I was.
He sighed. “Whatever. You do you, yeah? See where that gets you. You’ll lose her, man, and you’ll fucking regret it. Some motherfucker will come along and scoop her up and then… well, you should know this. This was the shit you spoon-fed me when I was hurting over Lily. You want Tiffany screwing other dudes?”
My nostrils flared as a wave of nausea flooded my stomach. “Point made.” I clipped.
He nodded. “Just telling you the truth… like you did for me.” His smile was smug as he walked into the kitchen.
Todd was a loyal guy. His love for Lily, his family, his friends… it was fierce. He wanted to see the virtue in everything. He wanted to see the good in me. But it wasn’t there… I was incapable of love… real love… I was selfish. I was sick… the wounds from my past were still rotting. Tiffany’s choice to keep things platonic was smart on her part. Like I’d always said, in the end, we’re all animals, and her self-preservation must have kicked in. She was the first girl to see through my veneer, and it must have scared the shit out of her.
BLUE BAR WAS WALL-TO-WALL people tonight. The stench of men’s cologne mixed with sweat was overbearing. Todd and Lily had just finished their set. They had started playing together here after she got back a few months ago. On occasion, I played drums for them, or filled in for Todd if the bar was busy. Not tonight. My decision to come was last minute because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see Tiffany. But for the first time, Sawyer and Elizabeth, our friends from up north, had come down from Ogden to watch Todd and Lily perform, and I hadn’t seen them in a long time. They were married and had a little girl so they never got to go out. Colby, Todd’s brother, and Cammie, his brother’s fiancée, watched their baby tonight so they could have a “date night.” Sailor was a cute kid, beautiful like her mom.
I’d always had a weird thing for Elizabeth, despite the fact we ran in two different crowds in High School. In my freshman year, my father was still dirt poor. We had very little and lived in a small two-bedroom house with hand-me down furniture from the thrift store. My dad worked two jobs just to keep food on the table. He pushed me into football so I could be good enough for a sports scholarship, just in case his master plan to build his company back from rubble didn’t work. He wanted my brother and me to go to college so badly he practically suited us up every week for practice. Because of that, I was king of the jocks, but I still remember the first time I saw Elizabeth at school. She stood out.
The quad was full; it was the second week of the first semester of my freshman year. Lunchtime was always the worst. I never knew who to sit with. I’d just joined the football team, but the guys were in “hazing mode” so I wasn’t allowed to sit with them. Today I chose to sit on my own. The sun was beating down from the late summer sky, causing sweat to bead on my forehead. I took a swig of my drink, and that’s when I saw her. Elizabeth. She was walking with this guy, Todd, I had met in my math class.
Rumor was this Elizabeth Haddington chick lived with Todd because her parents had both killed themselves when she was little. The story was she grew up with him on his family’s farm. The clique of rich girls I had English with first period always gossiped about her. They were jealous she was such good friends with Todd, I guess. These girls were mean, and I couldn’t understand why. They had everything. I was beginning to see what my father had always taught me; I was finally seeing females for what they were… pack animals. These girls in particular were wolves.
I’d had a crush on Samantha. She was the leader of their popular girl group. I’d asked her out on a date once, and the bitch laughed at
me. She looked at me like I was scum. I was too poor for her taste. She was the meanest about Lizzie, too. She called her “Lezzie” behind her back.
My eyes watched Elizabeth’s thick, chocolate hair fall across her face as she laughed openly with Todd. She pushed her glasses up with her pointer finger as she walked to an empty table. She had curves in all the right places. Elizabeth had filled out quicker than most of the girls in school. She bent down, placing her bag on the concrete, and I gulped. Being a teenage boy was impossible. I was too young to want the things I was thinking as I watched this girl’s full breasts slightly bounce as she sat down.
Samantha walked by her table and pretended to trip, knocking Elizabeth’s drink over and onto the ground. She sneered and laughed as she walked by, but Elizabeth did the most surprising thing. Instead of looking sad, instead of crying or just letting it happen, she swore and gave Samantha the middle finger.
Lizzie had always been a force. In school she was always dressed in jeans and some worn out band T-shirt. She had these black-rimmed glasses that most of the kids thought were for nerds, but I thought they were cool. She didn’t give a fuck that people called her Lezzie behind her back or talked shit about the fact her parents had killed themselves. She was strong. She was a survivor like me. She built herself from nothing. She didn’t care about labels or money. Looking at her now, married to this great guy with a sweet kid, she’d done it, and she’d got what she’d deserved.
That bitch Samantha… She was all over me by senior year. By that time, my dad’s business was on point, I was the first string quarterback, and I had the status she desired. She used me for my money, for my popularity. She was the first girl I fucked, the first girl I left behind, and I’d never looked back.
“So how’s teaching? You liking it, Seth?” The familiar sound of Liz’s voice made me smile and pulled me from my darker thoughts.
“I am, it’s a sweet gig. You miss singing?” Me, Elizabeth and Todd had been in a band together back when we all went to the same college.
“Sometimes. But being a mom, going to school still, I’m a busy girl.” She smiled warmly at me. Her husband, Sawyer, took her hand in his.
“She’s crazy. I tell her all the time she doesn’t have to work. But she won’t hear it.”
“Stubborn?” I laughed at Lizzie’s scowl.
“Like a damn ox, brother.” He chuckled, and Elizabeth smacked his giant bicep. Sawyer was an ex-Navy SEAL and made a shit load of money as a carpenter.
“I want to work, I want to help people. I’m not stubborn… I’m… charitable.” She laughed. Elizabeth was going to school to be a recreational therapist. She had a soft spot for war vets with PTSD.
“You’re too sweet, Cricket.” Sawyer brought his mouth to her full lips. She let him kiss her softly; she led the motion and deepened the kiss by pulling her teeth across his bottom lip. He groaned and her cheeks blushed. She pulled away from him and their eyes searched one another. “I love you, baby.”
“Love you, too.”
My stomach turned. I’d never know what that was like.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” I excused myself.
I moved quickly toward the bar, eager to talk to Tiffany. I hadn’t had the chance to say hi yet since I’d arrived late. Maybe some small part of me hoped she would have sought me out instead. The need to maintain my edge was for my own sanity. This whole falling at her feet shit I had going on was making me feel all out of whack.
Tiffany was smiling and laughing, and it was like a punch to the gut. Slowing my approach I noticed Scott, the tool bag from the tattoo shop, was here and flirting with her. My palm scrubbed down my face as I tried to reign in my desire to rip his throat out. I let the humid, sweaty air fill my lungs as I attempted a casual pace to where Scott and Tiffany were having their little chat.
“You’re free tomorrow night, then?” Scott traced his thumb across Tiffany’s knuckles and the acid in my stomach stirred.
Please say no.
“Yeah, actually I am. I just have inventory here until about seven.” Tiffany’s lips quivered into a nervous smile. My head started to throb as the blood rushed through my veins, making it hard to hear.
“I’ll pick you up, your place at eight. My friend’s band is playing at a bar up town. We can get a late dinner first.” Scott pulled his hand back and grabbed his phone out of his back pocket. “What’s your address?”
Tiffany began to speak. She rattled off her address and, just when I was about to walk off, her eyes met mine. I held her gaze, my pulse was threaded, my breathing rapid. Her lips parted as if to speak, and the slight tinge of pink in her cheeks paled. A shadow shrouded around her big hazel eyes, and I couldn’t take it.
“Shit, excuse me.” A tall brunette stumbled and her drink spilled down her dress. “Hey… I know you.” She grinned, her red lips spread across her overly made up face. Dark mascara encased her lashes as she blinked more than necessary attempting to flirt. “Lisa… from Ute’s Pub, I believe we met the other night.”
“We did.” I put my game face on. “Sorry about the dress, can I get you another drink?”
She leaned in and pressed her tits against me. The black wrap dress she had on was going to be easy access. I needed to get Tiffany off my mind and out of my blood. She had moved on. So why shouldn’t I? “I’d rather we start where we left off the last time I saw you,” she whispered suggestively in my ear.
My hand gripped her waist, and I pulled her hips into mine. “Follow me.”
I chanced a look over at Tiffany, and she wasn’t there. Again, that small part of me wished she was, maybe she’d stop me. I knew she wouldn’t.
Lisa followed me through the back hall and out the back door of the bar. This alley way was always secluded. It was more temperate than normal… this would work just fine.
I took Lisa’s hand in mine and led her a few more steps away from the door.
“Out here?” She smirked at me and bit her lip.
“It’s this or nothing.”
Her smile widened. “This… definitely this.”
Her heels slipped in a puddle from the earlier rainstorm. My fingers dug into either side of her hips as I stopped her from falling.
“Thanks.” She giggled.
“Don’t thank me yet.” My hand fisted in her hair, and I pulled her head back with a light force. She moaned as my free hand trailed down the deep plunge of her dress pushing back her sleeve and the strap of her bra over her shoulder. My lips fell along her neck. She tasted like salt and sweat — I almost couldn’t stomach it.
I whispered in her ear. “On your knees.” My voice was rough.
“Yes.” The pulse in her neck was visible as I stepped far enough away for her to kneel down in front of me. Her pale knees touched the asphalt of the alley.
She was quick with my buckle, like she was used to this, like she’d done it a thousand times. I didn’t kid myself, she probably had.
The sound of my zipper being pulled down, the feeling of her warm breath against the tip, the moment she took me fully into her mouth, all of it made my jaw clench in pleasure. My fingers wrapped into her hair, moving her head at the pace I desired. The image before me, this girl with my dick in her mouth, her eyes watering as she struggled to take in my entire length, it was a powerful thing.
I let my head fall back as she worked me with her lips and tongue. The muscles in my arms constricted and the grip I held in her hair tightened. She began to move faster, and I wouldn’t last much longer. My breaths became fast and uneven as I got closer.
“Shit,” I growled and held her head still, my hips thrusted into her mouth as I came.
She stood and wiped her mouth after I released her from my hold. “Come here.” My hands framed her face while the pads of my thumbs wiped the mascara from under hers eyes. “Stay like this,” I commanded in a whisper.
My foot eased her legs apart as my right hand trailed down past her breast and down her hip. I slowly lifted the light fa
bric of her dress at the hem. She shuddered as I dragged my nails across her inner thigh and peeled her panties down. I reveled in the flash of anticipation that crossed her eyes. She licked her bottom lip as my thumb started to work in slow circles between her legs.
Her thighs began to tremble, and, just as she was getting close, the back door of the bar opened. I shoved her against the wall and dropped her dress. Tiffany came out of the bar with a bag of trash in her hands. She hadn’t seen us. I quickly zipped my pants and started to buckle my belt, the metal seemed to clang loudly in the quiet alley. I heard her gasp.
“Seth?” Tiff’s hazel eyes were wide in horror. Never, not once had I ever regretted a choice I had made. But right now, I’d do anything to take back the last ten minutes, to take back the look of disappointment on her face. Tiffany watched as I finished buckling up my jeans. Lisa giggled and pulled herself together as well.
“Tiff—“
“Don’t.” She interrupted me and shook her head. “It’s fine.” She threw the large white garbage bag she was holding into the dumpster. Tiffany didn’t look at me as she walked back into the bar. She didn’t look at me when I came back inside to say goodbye to everyone. She didn’t watch me dismiss Lisa like a whore. She just smiled at Scott as if nothing happened. As if she didn’t just catch the guy she’d just bared her soul to the previous night possibly getting fucked in a back alley.
Her indifference was warranted. She shouldn’t care about me; she shouldn’t want me. But I wanted her to. I wanted her to scream, yell, and call me a bastard. I had gift wrapped Tiff and handed her over to Scott with a bow. What the hell had I done?
Still Surviving Page 7
