“Sure—and to be honest, I can’t wait to join in. I see her with her kids, and I have to admit, my biological clock starts ticking. But I’m sure you know all about that.” He laughed.
I quirked an eyebrow. “Not exactly.”
“Really? You’re not ready to settle in and start a family?” He looked a little disappointed.
I started to sweat. I pulled my hand away from his and tried to cover my anxiety with a smile.
“Well, sure, I want those things—I think—but I’m not in any rush.”
“But there’s only so much time.”
“We still have plenty of time.” I laughed.
“Sure, if you want to be raising kids into your sixties.”
“How many kids?” I found it hard to breathe.
“Oh, I want a big family. Maybe six or seven kids.”
“Uh, that’s a lot.” I widened my eyes. “I mean, why not just go for an even dozen?”
“I’m not opposed to that.” Ben grinned.
I felt my uterus tighten into a tiny frightened ball. “Oh.”
“Don’t worry, I’m just kidding.” He shook his head. “I would like a big family, but you know, it comes down to what feels right.”
I laughed with relief. But he brought up some good points. I was searching for true love, but I hadn’t really thought about the steps that came after. Would the person I found love with be a suitable partner for the rest of my life?
“Have you ever been close to that step?”
“Once. At least I was. Looking back, I know now that she wasn’t. You know, it should be simple. You meet someone, share the same views, similar goals—you get married and have a family.”
“I wish it was that simple.” I laughed.
“Why can’t it be?”
I met his eyes and realized he was serious. There was no magic in love for Ben. It was a game of numbers. If everything lined up, then it was the perfect match. I grew a little uneasy as I realized he was likely calculating my potential. I couldn’t help but wonder how I added up.
By the end of our date, I still felt very little spark with Ben, but when he invited me out again, I accepted. Ben was nice, respectful and I had no doubt that he would make an excellent father.
Maybe he was on to something. Maybe it was more important to look at a future spouse from a logical perspective than a romantic perspective. I had to wonder if it was an idea worth exploring.
Chapter 24
The entire drive home, I tried to convince myself that a relationship without passion could work too. Scenes from romance novels I’d read over the years and romantic movie scenes played out in my mind. Without passion they were all lackluster. I just didn’t see how I could spend the rest of my life with someone I had no real chemistry with. I was sure that passion could fade over the years, but to start out a relationship with zero spark? I shuddered at the idea.
At my apartment I headed straight for my computer. I wanted to see if Blue had written me back. I felt a buzz of excitement when I saw that he had.
Samantha,
I don’t even know how to say this, but no.
My heart dropped. He didn’t even want to be friends? My vision blurred for a moment with panic. I blinked a few times and continued to read.
I know it’s not fair of me, but I can’t just be your friend. I can’t accept that I will never get to meet you. Samantha, if you give me another chance I can make everything right, or at least give you an explanation that you can understand. I have no right to ask, but I’m not asking—I’m begging. I need the opportunity to set things straight. Please, will you give me that chance?
Let me know if there is anything I can do to get you to agree. I will do it. No questions asked. Samantha, what we have is far too complicated for us to just abandon it. I need the opportunity to tell you the truth once and for all. I can’t do that in an e-mail. It needs to be in person. I may not deserve it, but I need just one more chance.
Love,
Blue
I sat back and skimmed over his words again and again. I wanted to feel sympathy for him, but I didn’t. I was angry. Angry that he would even ask me for another chance. I decided against typing a response, as I wasn’t sure that he would survive it. My blood was boiling.
I stood up and began to pace around the apartment like a caged animal. I wished I could see him in person and tell him what I thought of his needing one more chance. But underneath all of that anger was desire.
It reassured me to know that he still wanted me, that he was willing to fight for me. But wasn’t that just a fantasy? Blue, who claimed to be so interested in me, had yet to bother to meet me.
Ben had met with me twice in one week. He had a plan for the future, and no secrets to keep.
Maybe my lack of attraction to Ben had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my being attracted to the wrong kind of guys.
I was head-over-heels for Max. As I recalled our encounter in the garden, it made me dizzy.
Even though I hadn’t met Blue, I longed for him.
I adored two men who were completely unavailable to me.
I paused in front of the mirror and shook my head at my own reflection. “Maybe it’s you that’s asking for the heartbreak, Sammy. Ben would never hurt you like that.”
My phone began to ring. I grabbed for it and nearly tripped over my own feet in the process. My clumsiness was coming back, as was my insecurity.
“Hey, beautiful.”
“I’m not beautiful.”
“Okay. Hey, gorgeous.”
“Oh, Max.” I sighed. The last thing I needed was him plucking at my emotions with his kind words.
“What’s wrong? Bad date?”
“No.” I smiled. “Actually it was a great date.”
“Oh?”
“Ben is wonderful. I set another date with him. In fact things are going so well that I think I’m ready to stop dating other people. Ben has all of the qualities that I’m looking for.”
My confession was met with silence.
“Max, are you there?”
“I thought you had a date with that Spence guy?”
“I do. But I think I’ll cancel it. I want to spend more time with Ben. He seems like he’s really into the idea of commitment and moving forward in life. I’m ready for that.”
“How?”
“What do you mean how?”
“How are you ready for that?” Max’s voice was hard and louder than normal. “You just had your heart broken by Blue. You need time to heal. Or Ben is just going to be a rebound.”
“Max, Ben can’t be a rebound if I’ve never even met Blue. What is going on with you?”
“Sammy, I just think you’re moving too fast. You barely know this guy.”
“That’s the point, isn’t it? I want to get to know him. I don’t see a reason to keep dating around if he is the one I’m interested in.”
“Does he make you happy?”
“He’s very nice.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“Yes, it is. He shows up for our dates. He treats me with respect. He’s a good man.”
“Being a good man doesn’t make him the right man for you, Sammy.”
“Who are you to lecture me on love?” I laughed a little to soften my words. But I meant them. I was annoyed that Max couldn’t be happy for me.
“I’m not lecturing you, Sammy. I just—I don’t know—I just think you should give it a little more time.”
I sighed and closed my eyes. Max usually knew me better than I knew myself. Maybe he was seeing something that I wasn’t.
“Alright, I’ll give it more time. I don’t even know if Ben wants to be exclusive.”
“Good. Sammy, you know I only want what’s best for you. You know that, right?”
“I do.” My heart filled with warmth.
I did know that Max loved me in a sacred way that no one else would.
After I hung up with him, I decided that I needed to
clear my head and my spirit. I hadn’t been to meditation class in a long time. I thought it might help me get more clarity on my situation.
Luckily, I knew of one group that met that night. I was so caught up in listening to so many opinions that I could no longer hear my own.
I changed into something more comfortable and decided to try to write for a bit.
Chapter 25
When I arrived at the meditation class, the group was already seated. It was awkward to pick my way carefully between people and legs—some of which resembled pretzels—and attempt not to disturb those that were already chanting. Once I found an empty space I settled in.
All around me, I heard the breaths that people were drawing in and then releasing. It reminded me to breathe as well. I needed to calm my mind—to sort through all of the worries that had been thrust upon me—and all of the hurt. It had been some time since I’d heard that clear, still voice inside of me.
As the layers of my daily life began to fall away from my thoughts, images surfaced in my mind. There was an image of Max and the way he’d looked at me when he called himself dangerous, and then an image of Spence as he sought a kiss I wasn’t ready for. Both ignited a different type of passion within me.
With Max, it was all longing—a deep desperation along with a hint of sadness, because I would never truly experience the desire I felt for him. With Spence, it was pure primal need—a need to be drawn into wild euphoria without thought for consequences.
As those two images subsided, there was a ripple of blue light. It didn’t need a face or even a name. It caressed me on the inside. It touched my deepest emotions. It awakened an urge to blend energies. I recognized it and it recognized me…on a metaphysical level.
I opened my eyes with a jolt to find everyone in the room staring at me, including the man who was running the class. I assumed from the intense visuals that I’d experienced that I had fallen asleep and perhaps begun snoring. However, the flushed cheeks and mildly horrified expressions concerned me.
“Are you okay?” A woman beside me reached out and touched my wrist.
“I’m sorry. Did I fall asleep?”
My question was met with silence. A few people looked in my direction but quickly looked away. I wondered what I’d done to draw so much attention and elicit such a strange reaction.
The woman beside me leaned close and whispered in my ear. “Do you do guided meditations? Because I’d love to go on that journey with you.”
“What?” I frowned. “What exactly are you talking about?” My heart started to beat just a little faster than normal as I waited for her response, but I didn’t have time to press her for more information before the class instructor was interrupting our conversation.
“Class, sometimes when we have a deeply moving spiritual experience, it awakens all aspects of us—spiritual, emotional, and sexual.” He looked right at me.
My eyes widened. Was I being sexually harassed by a meditation teacher?
“It’s perfectly natural to experience your urges intensified by the connection to the universe. I’m sure that it was very liberating for you, Samantha, wasn’t it?”
No. No. I refused to believe it.
“I don’t know.” I frowned. “I thought I fell asleep.”
“You were groaning like a beast!” Someone in the back of the room finally revealed the truth to me.
“I was not!” I stood up. “I think I would know if I was.”
“We all heard it.” Another man grinned at me.
My face was hot. “I’m sorry if I interrupted you.”
I tried to get past the folded legs that surrounded me. Every step I took seemed to lead to another appendage to trip over. I was nearly to the door when someone nearby decided to stretch out their legs. I caught my foot beneath their calf and face-planted into the pretzeled legs of the meditation teacher.
“Oh, well, that was unexpected.” He cleared his throat—which in the meditation world was akin to screaming in horror.
I jumped up and nearly fell back over a woman who’d leaned forward in an attempt to catch me. I managed to catch my balance and did a little pirouette right out the door of the classroom.
Once outside, I laughed with embarrassment but also with relief.
I had my answer.
I needed that passion in my life. My body craved it, as did my spirit.
The question was, could I have it with Ben?
I realized that during the meditation Ben hadn’t even entered my thoughts. Maybe the problem was that I had too many romantic loose ends roaming around in my mind.
There was Max, who I’d come to understand would always be there in some way. Then there was Blue, who, despite our rocky relationship lately, apparently stirred the deepest desire in me. No wonder I felt no spark with Ben. There wasn’t any left for him!
As I walked back to my apartment, I made a decision. Before I could move forward with Ben, I needed to end things with Blue.
Chapter 26
I sat in front of the computer for what felt like hours. Really, it was probably more like twenty minutes. I agonized over exactly what I wanted to say to Blue. I didn’t want to give him false hope or set myself up for another disappointment.
I took a deep breath and remembered the way I’d experienced the sensation of him during my meditation. This wasn’t just an e-mail, it was a letter to perhaps the only man that would ever make me feel that way.
Dear Blue,
I mean that. You are dear to me in ways I can’t begin to explain.
You don’t deserve another chance. You have hurt me with what I can only assume has been a manipulative game.
Of course my heart wants to believe that there is some kind of reasonable explanation for your behavior, but my heart seems to be getting me into trouble these days.
It may not be the wisest choice on my part, but the truth is that you’re stopping me from being able to move forward with a man who I believe would treat me very well. He deserves my affection and attention, but I can’t give it to him, because when I close my eyes, it’s you that I see. When I feel a touch on my skin, it’s yours. When I feel my heart flutter, it’s because of thoughts of you.
It is embarrassing for me to admit all of this, but you need to understand that I am not interested in just you.
Blue, you have become a part of me—a part of my life and a part of every date I have with any other man.
I will give you one more chance. Not for you, but for me.
You must understand the impact your game will have on me if you decide not to show up again. I’m not just some faceless stranger on the other side of a computer. I’m a woman with a heart that is delicate and wide open.
One more chance. That’s it.
Sunday night—six—at Shannon’s. I’m sure you can look up the address.
Just be there.
Samantha
I didn’t read it over. I’d taken so long to write each word that I knew them by heart. I wanted him to know that I was still angry, but I also wanted him to know how important he was to me. It was time to put all of my cards on the table. If he didn’t show up, at least I’d taken the time to tell him how I really felt. It was intimidating, but I felt some relief for having spilled it all.
Then anxiety began to creep in—about whether he would respond, whether he would show, whether or not he really was some sadistic man giggling at my obsession. Of all the aspects of falling in love that I’d focused so much on, risk wasn’t one that I’d really thought about. Now I knew that giving my heart to someone was possibly the most dangerous act I’d ever committed. It reminded me of what Max had said to me in the garden after Blue had stood me up.
Curiosity certainly could be dangerous.
Later that day I tried to work on my book. The romance part was a huge stumbling block. In fact, I was at the point that it made me angry to even work on it. I felt like I was selling lies to my readers about what love was like. How could I write it without firsthand
experience? Then I realized that there were tons of romance writers out there. I didn’t think that all of them had experienced romance in this way either.
The writing group that I’d joined was focused more on refined literature. Maybe I could find a group that was just for romance writers. I might be able to get some great ideas from them.
I did a quick Internet search and found a group that met the next afternoon. I could go to the meeting before my date with Spence. It might even put me in a better mood to enjoy his company.
I was glad that Max had talked me out of hopping right into things with Ben.
I did feel that I needed to see where things might potentially go with Spence. He was rough around the edges, but I hoped that underneath he and I might have a deeper connection.
Before I went to bed, I checked my e-mail. I was surprised not to see anything from Blue. I felt like things were starting all over again. He was pulling back—not responding, even though I’d finally given him what he wanted. Then again, maybe he’d been put off by the harshness of my e-mail.
I went to bed with that battle going on in my mind.
When I woke up the next morning, I had to fight the urge to check my e-mail right away. I didn’t want to be drawn back into the chaos of waiting for communication from Blue.
As I headed for my computer with a cup of coffee, my phone chimed.
I picked it up to see a message from Ben.
I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon. Just wanted to see how you’re doing today? I hope you’re having a great morning.
I smiled at the sweetness of the text. It meant a lot to me that Ben went out of his way to connect with me. As I went to text him back, I noticed that there was an e-mail from Blue on my computer screen. I got distracted and nearly dropped my phone into my cup of coffee. I managed to catch it right before it slipped into the hot liquid, but I mashed a few buttons in the process. I scowled at the computer screen as if Blue could see my displeasure. After all, it was his fault that I’d almost dropped my phone.
I sent a quick text back to Ben.
Thanks for the check-in. I’m looking forward to our date too. Thanks for the note. I hope you are having a great day too.
Single Wide Female in Love Complete Bundle: Books 1-4 Page 8
