“Dinner?” I did my best to hide the fact that I still hadn’t answered him.
“I can’t tonight. I have something. Maybe dessert?” He winked at me.
“Don’t tease me about dessert, Max, because you know just the way I like it.”
“Oh I know.” He stole one more kiss. “Hot, dripping, and covered in chocolate sauce.”
“Mm, yes, and don’t forget the cherry this time.”
“I won’t, I promise. Mint chocolate chip?”
“Yes, please.”
He grinned as he turned to leave.
I watched him go. I expected to feel thrilled; instead I had to wonder what he might have to do that would prevent him from having dinner with me. Did he have a better offer?
“Stop it, Sammy!” I growled at myself. But the more I tried to ignore my worries, the bigger they became.
To distract myself, I called Stephanie. I wanted to see if she could help me straighten out the mess in my head.
“Morning. Do you have a headache too?” Stephanie said, picking up after the second ring.
“I think it’s finally gone. I was wondering if you’d like to go to this new bookstore with me. It’s just a little shop and I want to see if they’d let me do a reading.”
“Oh, that’s a great idea. Of course I will. When?”
“After lunch? I need to try to get some work done this morning. I’ll text you the address and we can meet there.”
“Sounds great. See you then. No wine!”
“No wine!” I laughed.
With the way I’d woken up that morning, I had a feeling it would be a while before I enjoyed any more wine.
Chapter 12
Even though I really wanted to make some progress on my book that day, I spent most of my time reading it over. It was strange how some passages felt foreign to me, as if I couldn’t have been the one to write them. Others felt as familiar as the tattoo on my wrist. What I was looking for was some insight into why I had so much trouble trusting Max. He had never given me a reason not to trust him. Even the idea of his being Blue and keeping it a secret for so long hadn’t really bothered me that much.
What bothered me was the fact that I seemed to have such a hard time believing that he really loved me. Maybe it was because I had seen him with so many beautiful women, women who without question were much more beautiful than me.
I’d been working for so long to build my confidence, but all at once it seemed to have disappeared.
I decided to take some extra time to appreciate my body and how I looked before heading out to meet Stephanie. I took a long shower, used my favorite lotion, fixed my hair just the way I liked it, and applied my make-up. Then I chose a fun flowing dress to wear. I always felt more confident when I could swish. I swirled the skirt around my legs in front of the mirror. Yes, I had worked hard, and it showed, but still, my reflection didn’t come close to mirroring the women that I’d seen Max with.
Before I could dwell on it any longer, I headed out the door.
Stephanie was already at the shop when I arrived. She had her nose poked into a novel I recognized. It was a mystery. Stephanie seemed to have a mind for figuring things out. I hoped she’d be able to help me get to the bottom of things.
“Hi.” I stepped up behind her.
“Ah!” She threw the book at me. It hit me square in the chin.
“Ouch!” I grabbed my chin and glared at her.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Samantha.” Stephanie tried to apologize but she was laughing too hard. She picked up the book from the floor. “Are you okay?”
“I think so. What’s with the literary assault?”
“I’m sorry.” She was trying to speak through her laughter. “I started reading this book and I was right at the part where the guy was sneaking up behind her—”
“Oh!” I laughed too. “I remember that part. I slept with my light on for two nights straight.”
“I’m really sorry.” Stephanie inspected my chin. “Do you need ice?”
“I’m okay. At least, my chin is.”
“Well, you look fantastic.” She took a step back. “I love the dress.”
“Thanks. I was trying to give myself a little bit of a confidence boost.”
“Did it work?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head and walked over to a small sitting area. I sat down in an overstuffed chair and tried to think of how to explain myself.
“Samantha, it’s not Max again, is it? Please tell me you did not drunk-text him.”
“I didn’t. I swear. In fact he showed up at my apartment this morning.”
“How was he?”
“Not mad at all. He was worried that I was mad.”
“See! He adores you. You were worried about nothing.”
“Is it nothing, though?” I squeezed my hands together. “It feels like something.”
“Even though he’s not upset. I don’t understand. What does it feel like?”
“Just the fact that I was so quick to doubt him. I feel like he’s going to remember that and think that I don’t trust him.”
“Remember, men sometimes think a little differently.” Stephanie frowned. “I get why you’re upset about it, but what can you do?”
“I have to find ways to prove to him that I trust him.”
“I don’t know. Don’t you think that sounds a little strange?” Stephanie shook her head. “I’m sure that Max knows that you trust him.”
“How? How could he know?” I sighed. “After accusing him of such an absurd thing I feel like I have a lot to make up to him.”
“What about Max? How does he feel about it?”
“He just wants to move on from it. He said it was no big deal. But what if he thinks it’s a reason not to propose? I can’t let him go on thinking that I don’t trust him, when really it was my own insecurities that made me accuse him.”
“Alright. Alright, if that’s what you think is best, what’s your first step?”
“Well, I think it’s important that we be in situations where he sees that I trust him.”
“Like what?”
“Like tandem skydiving.”
“Wow, that’s definitely showing trust.” Stephanie laughed. “Are there any steps before that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe surfing?”
“Oh, that’s a great idea! It will get you out in the water and give you and Max a chance to work together.”
“And he might be able to save me from a shark.” I grinned.
“Okay, well, let’s not hope for a shark. Anything else?”
“Well, maybe parasailing?”
“Hm. I’m seeing a theme.”
“Yes, a theme where I’m in situations where my life depends on Max. What better way to show him how much I trust him?”
“Okay, I get what you’re saying, but I think you’re missing the point.”
“The point?”
“Trusting Max with your life has never been the problem. Trusting Max with your heart is the issue.”
Chapter 13
Stephanie’s words hit me hard. I realized right away that she was right. I would trust Max to drag me out of alligator-infested waters. I just didn’t trust that he could really love me—not as much as I loved him.
“I want to so badly.”
“Okay, well, you have time to figure out what’s holding you back. I mean, Max is fine with what happened, and he adores you. So just take a breath and realize this isn’t a crisis. It’s just a tiny roadblock.”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “Max is going to realize that this isn’t right eventually.”
“Samantha.” Stephanie pursed her lips thoughtfully, then she took my hand. “I’m only telling you this because we’re friends and I would want someone to tell me if it were me.”
I nodded, giving her permission to continue.
“I think that you’re reading way too much into this. Max loves you and he’s always accepted you for who you are.”
“Sure he loves me, but obviously he doesn’t want to marry me.” I stood up and walked over to the shelf of books that lined the side wall of the shop. “See this? An entire wall of relationship books. An entire wall and I’ve never read a single one of them! How did I ever think I was going to manage without any of this information?” I picked one of the books from the shelf, skimmed a page quickly, and handed it to Stephanie. “This one says that early signs of mistrust are the leading reason why marriages end in divorce. If one partner acts as if they don’t trust the other, then there won’t be any stability in the relationship.”
“Samantha, this is just a book. It was probably written by some old lady surrounded by cats.”
“Oh, that’s who I’m going to be, isn’t it?” I sank back down in the chair across from Stephanie. “Because when Max doesn’t propose, I’ll never be able to love again. I’ll hole myself up in my apartment and write. I’ll need cats to stem my loneliness. Or maybe gerbils. Maybe I’ll be an old gerbil lady.”
“Wow.” Stephanie set the book down on the table between us. “Samantha, I think you need to get out and have some fun.”
“No, what I need is for you to see how serious this is, Stephanie. This is my future we’re talking about. If I don’t nip this in the bud now, Max and I will never travel the world, we’ll never have babies, we’ll never get matching canes—”
I looked over at Stephanie to see that she was trying not to laugh. I started to get angry, but then I saw my own reflection in the plastic panel of a book display. I looked wild, with wide eyes, red cheeks, and mussed hair. Maybe Stephanie was right. Had I gotten too carried away?
“What kind of fun?”
“We could go out dancing.” Stephanie smiled. “Just you and me.”
“Okay, that sounds good.” I began to relax. “I haven’t danced in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve been slacking when it comes to exercise.”
“I think a little fun will remind you that things are not as serious as they seem. Sometimes you just have to be patient.” She squeezed my hand. “And no more reading these books.”
I nodded. “Do you want to go to dinner first?”
“I can’t. I can meet you around eight, but there’s somewhere I have to be around six. Okay? We can meet up at Evermore. They’re having nineties night.”
“Okay, that should be fun.” I already started to feel more relaxed.
I said goodbye to Stephanie and was about to leave myself when the wall of books caught my attention once more.
How Do You Know He Loves You?
What Can You Do to Avoid Dating Disaster?
Are You Good Enough? Ten Ways to Improve Your Worth.
Each title I read made me feel more insecure. If relationships were so difficult that this many books had to be written about the topic, it was hard for me to believe that I wouldn’t make a mess of things with Max.
I grabbed a few books off the shelf and took them to the counter. The woman who rang me up had a nose ring and bright pink hair. I admired how brave she was with her style choices.
“Anything else for you?” She skimmed her eyes over the titles of the books as she bagged them.
“Anything you would recommend?”
“We have a great new series about gerbils.” She smiled brightly.
I was mesmerized by tiny pictures that seemed to be etched onto her teeth. Were there teeth tattoos now? Had I missed that? Was I getting so old that I didn’t have a clue what was hip anymore?
“What?”
“Gerbils. You know—the perfect pet.” She laughed.
“No, nothing about gerbils, please.” I shuddered at the idea.
“If you give them a chance you might like them. Much better company than anything you’ll find in these books.”
I frowned. This was why I bought most of my books online—judgmental bookstore clerks.
“It’s for research. I’m a writer.”
“Oh?” She smiled. “Let me guess, romance?”
“Not exactly.”
“I get so tired of selling all of these romance novels to people. They act like it’s such a great story, but it’s not. It’s one big lie.”
“Well, not for everyone.”
“Yes, for everyone. It’s not as if love actually works like that. It’s not all fluff and passion. There’s plenty of darkness in love, and the problem is that the romance novelists gloss over that and make it seem like every relationship is perfect. Then, even though you might be in a perfectly good relationship, just because it doesn’t match the romance novel idea of love, you think it’s wrong. I mean, how many times can Reginald really toss a woman down with passion without throwing his back out?”
“Huh. I never really thought about that.” I laughed a little at the idea of a poor handsome hero from a romance novel tripping and falling from his lady’s discarded petticoats. It would really ruin the mood.
“I like love just like the next person—but real love. I mean, I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. Sometimes it’s great and sometimes it’s annoying. Sometimes we fight so loud the neighbors bang on the wall. But that doesn’t mean our love isn’t real.”
“Thanks.” I smiled at her.
“You’re welcome. But like I said, I highly recommend gerbils.”
Chapter 14
As I walked out of the bookshop her words soothed my nerves. She was right. I had been ready to throw the idea of love out just because Max and I had one little argument, which wasn’t even really an argument. Instead of trying to think about ways it could bring us closer together, I thought of ways that I could transform our relationship back into the romance that I thought it should look like.
Even as friends, Max and I had disagreed on more than one occasion. In fact, that was one reason I trusted Max as much as I did—because he didn’t hide how he felt from me, which was exactly what I was doing to him.
I hid how I felt about my disappointment over the lack of a proposal. I hid how I felt about what I imagined between him and Stephanie. All because I didn’t think I was worthy of his love. It was the same reason that I’d been so blind for so long that he did love me.
It still seemed impossible to me that he could actually love me.
I had to be honest with myself. My head was a mess. My emotions were in chaos. Despite the fact that everything should have been fine, I was not fine. I couldn’t even figure out exactly why I wasn’t fine.
I decided to take a walk along the harbor. There was only one thing that could make the walk along the water more beautiful. That was Max.
I texted him to see if he would join me. Maybe my issues were coming up because I’d been missing out on time with him. He was busy and I was always trying to prioritize my book. Sure, we saw each other every chance we could, but maybe there was too much on our minds.
Be there in ten.
I smiled at the text I received almost instantly after sending the invitation, then I tucked my phone into my back pocket.
I stared out across the water and let the tranquility of it wash over me. I did a few deep yoga breaths and willed my mind to settle into a peaceful state. I was ready to seize the moment and live only in the present.
It was a balmy afternoon, and as usual, the pedestrian traffic along the water was pretty intense. The sea of faces had once made me feel a little lonely; now it just made me feel lucky, because I knew that Max was one of those faces. I was no longer alone in the crowd, and there was only one face that I looked for. Once my great love had been a mystery to me, but now I had the luxury of heading straight for him.
A few boats were making their way into the harbor. Joggers whizzed past me along with a handful of cyclists. I leaned against the railing and took another deep breath. It always amazed me how the tall buildings became hulking monsters in the water’s surface. Their reflections were distorted to the point of appearing supernatural, and yet all I had to do to know the truth was look up.
“Hi, beautifu
l.” Max stepped up beside me.
I turned to hug him and nearly knocked over a skateboarder. Luckily he caught himself before he could get hurt.
“Watch it, lady!” He scowled.
“Pedestrian traffic, kid. Nowhere does it say you can use your skateboard!” Max bristled.
I loved it when he stood up for me.
“Shove it, old man!”
Max started to turn as if he might go after the kid, but I grabbed his elbow and steered him back to me.
“Don’t go. Stay right here with me.” We shared a lingering kiss.
When he pulled away he still looked flustered.
“Old man?” He quirked an eyebrow. “When did we become the old people?”
“We’re not old. We’re just refined.”
“Refined?” He let out a loud laugh. “I don’t think we can pass for that.”
I wrapped my arms around him. I loved being held by him. Usually it made me feel as if I was the only person that existed. Tonight it made me feel wonderful, but that pesky concern was still there.
“So what’s your thing tonight?”
“Thing?”
“You said you couldn’t do dinner because you had a thing.”
“Oh, right. Yeah, I do.”
“So what is it?” I grinned at him.
“I’m just meeting with someone.”
I stared at him. What kind of answer was that? I didn’t think it could be more evasive or vague.
Live in the moment, Sammy. Focus on the positive, Sammy. Deep breath in and deep breath out.
“Max why won’t you tell me who you’re meeting?”
Max’s expression tightened. “Sammy, not this again.”
“Well, it just seems odd to me.”
“It’s personal.”
Those words actually hurt. What could be so personal that he would need to keep from me? It wasn’t like he had to make a visit to the gyno for a check-up. Getting a Pap smear—now that was personal; but meeting with someone shouldn’t be. I wanted to ask him a million questions. Then I remembered my conversation with Stephanie. She had warned me that I was reading too much into things.
“Okay.” I turned back toward the water.
“Sammy.” He slipped his arms around my waist from behind. “There are some things I have to do alone, you know.”
Single Wide Female in Love Complete Bundle: Books 1-4 Page 14
