by Lisa Campell
Every now and then, Aunt Trudy tried to start a conversation. When she realized that it only made things more awkward, she stopped.
Finally, the dinner came to an end. Caroline couldn’t remember ever feeling so relieved.
As soon as she finished dabbing the corners of her mouth, she rose to her feet, declaring that she would be retiring to her chambers.
Still not sparing Edward a single look, she took her leave.
When she reached her chambers, she spent a moment behind the closed doors, catching her breath.
It had been even more difficult than I reckoned it would be.
Nevertheless, she had made it through and that was all that mattered. Even when she had felt his gaze burning into her face, she hadn’t looked. She was utterly proud of herself.
Just as she pulled away from her door, three knocks sounded.
She froze, her eyes widening as her heartbeat became erratic yet again.
Could it be?
She knew they would have to speak at some point, but she wasn’t ready. Not yet.
Quickly, she looked around the room, wondering what she should do. She could pretend to be asleep, but she knew he would not believe that. She had only just left the dining hall after all.
The knocks sounded again. This time, they were accompanied by a voice.
“Your grace? It is I, Amelia.”
Amelia?
Caroline hit her head as she sighed. Of course it was Amelia.
“I have come to help you dress for the night.”
As always.
“You may come in, Amelia,” she responded finally, walking to her bed.
Her lady’s maid did just that.
An hour and a half later, Amelia said her goodnight and took her leave.
Caroline couldn’t help smiling. Despite her insistence, Amelia had taken her time, making her look beautiful. She had been soaked in oils, her hair had been done up, and a white night robe had been selected for her.
It was akin to the one she had worn on her wedding night.
She knew why her sweet lady’s maid had gone through the trouble. She just wished Amelia hadn’t bothered.
Nothing is going to happen tonight.
Just then, three knocks sounded on her door again.
Caroline looked around, wondering if her lady’s maid had forgotten anything. Her suspicions were confirmed when she found a familiar red scarf lying on the table.
“You may enter, Amelia,” she called out.
The door opened then and footsteps sounded.
“Your scarf is on the table,” Caroline said again, not looking up.
There was a moment of strange silence and in that moment, the hairs on the back of her nape stood again. That was when she realized it wasn’t Amelia at the door.
Finally looking up, she turned to him.
“Edward.”
There he was, in all his glory, shrouded in the shadows. Yet she could see him clearly—thanks to light from the gas lamp that illuminated his face.
He was still as handsome as ever. Yes, he had lost some weight—that, she could see. His eye sockets had become a little hollow and his cheeks had flattened.
This instantly worried her.
Had he not been eating well? Or had he simply missed her too much? Why had he sent her away, knowing he would be affected so?
Why does my heart keep going out to him?
He cleared his throat. “Caroline. Is it alright for me to be here?”
Was it?
Of course, it was.
Slowly, she nodded. “I suppose. We are wed, after all. As my husband, you are allowed to be in my chamber this late at night.”
“I wasn’t going to come. I know you don’t want to see me or speak with me. I could tell that much from dinner.”
There was a lingering but. She didn’t have to wait long for it. It came soon enough.
“But I couldn’t stay away. I tried. Yet all I could think of was you. I came here for you, Caroline. For us. Why do we have to wait one more day?”
He had never sounded or looked so vulnerable. How was she supposed to keep pretending not to care?
Swallowing hard, she glanced at the chair by her vanity.
“You wish to speak? Well, come in, sit down. I’ll listen to you.”
He heaved a visible sign of relief and her resolve broke even further.
There was silence as he took his seat. Even more silence afterwards. She went back to looking everywhere else but him.
“I’m waiting,” she said after a short while, breaking the spell.
He spoke then. “You weren’t surprised to see me. You were already aware of my presence. Lady Trudy must have told you.”
She shook her head. “It was James. You know, the little boy at the orphanage whom you almost hit with your horse. Apparently you visited, but somehow I didn’t get to see you.”
“I had just arrived when Lady Trudy told me of your new hobby.”
“It’s more than just a hobby,” she heard herself interrupt.
He was quick to agree. “Indeed. I find it admirable as well. Utterly so. It is a wonderful thing you’re doing for those children, Caroline.” There was a small pause. “I was eager to see you,” he continued. “I would have waited for your return but I just couldn’t. So, I got a horse saddled and rode all the way. Alas, when I arrived, you were with another man. You seemed to be enjoying his company.”
Caroline thought she could be mistaken, but it sounded like jealousy.
She fought hard to hold back a chuckle. The thought tickled her.
“You mean Mr. Wright? He is one of the volunteers at the orphanage. He is also Mrs. Cleaver’s nephew. Mr. Cleaver is the orphanage’s caretaker.”
He bobbed his head. “I gathered as much. You seemed cozy, you and this Mr. Wright.”
It’s certainly envy.
“Well, I have been volunteering at the orphanage for over a month now. I have made fast friends—it is only to be expected. Mr. Wright is one of those friends.”
“So that is all there is between the two of you? Friendship?”
“What do you care if there is more?” she asked, cutting in with chin raised. “What does it matter? I happen to remember quite clearly someone telling me to live full and free upon my return to Yorkshire. If I had been exiled by my own husband, would it not be only fair to do just that? After all, in your own words, this is simply a marriage of convenience. You expect nothing from me. I believe loyalty is included.”
Edward’s head dropped—Caroline suspected it was in defeat—as she finished.
She almost wanted to take back her words. She had never seen him look so lost, so broken. Still, she could not. It was only a small price to pay for what he had made her suffer.
After all, she didn’t know what he might have been up to in London. If he had continued to drink and frequent the brothels. If he had turned to another woman to warm his bed.
“You are right to be angry with me,” he said after a while. He still wouldn’t raise his head. “Yes. I said all those words, knowing they would hurt you. Indeed, I had my reason. Nonetheless, nothing justifies the pain I have put you through, Caroline. You certainly deserve better. It is why I am here. To say that I am sorry, for everything.”
She shouldn’t forgive him so easily, but her heart was ready to.
“You have apologized many times before. How am I to know this one is any more sincere?”
“They have all been sincere.”
“Yet you continued to hurt me. Am I to so easily forgive you again? Only to be hurt once more?”
He looked up then, holding her gaze, making her heart ache with the look in his eyes.
“You have every reason to be doubtful.”
“It is for those same reasons that I should not accept your apology.”
He nodded. “I’d understand if you choose not to. There is only so much one can take, and I have put you through it all. I am sorry, Caroline. I regret every singl
e moment that I pushed you away instead of drawing you close. From that first night at Nathaniel’s birthday. I was so happy to see you again,” his voice broke.
“I had missed you so much. All those years away. Those lonely nights, the fearsome battles… Thoughts of you, of coming back home to you and being with you for the rest of my life, kept me through them. They kept me alive.”
Caroline’s eyes stung and she blinked hard, holding back the tears. What was this? What was he trying to say?
“Edward,” she whispered.
Somehow, she could just tell that it was going to be a long night. Perhaps she would finally get answers to the questions she hadn’t been able to stop asking.
Caroline wondered what those answers would be and what she would do with them.
Chapter Thirty-One
“I knew I had to return alive,” Edward continued. “I gave you my word as I left. I swore I would. I had to keep my promise to you. I hoped with all of my heart that you’d be waiting.”
Caroline was beyond awed to hear these words. Shaking her head, she said, “You said you’d wanted to see me married, nursing a child.”
Edward chuckled. “I lied. I was happy to see that you had not yet married. That you’d refused to choose another. When your father told me of Whittaker, I almost went mad.”
Caroline didn’t understand. “Why? I never said the words, but you must have known I waited for you. You treated me like a stranger, made me feel like I was an inconvenience in your life. I thought you didn’t care… that you never did.”
Edward heaved a deep sigh. “I cared, alright. I cared too much. I always did. I more than cared.”
He stared deep into her eyes and Caroline’s heart was in her throat. He looked like he would confess his love. Yet she was afraid to think it possible. To dare to believe that would happen in the midst of his revelations.
“You wouldn’t even speak to me. You avoided me most of the time.”
“Because I desired you more than my next breath. I feared if I didn’t stay away, if I didn’t push you away, I would lose my restraint. Every time you were near me, Caroline, I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to make you mine in the ways of a man and woman.”
She trembled as a tremor ran down her spine, making her body tingle all over.
“I don’t understand any of this, Edward. I was so confused. Some days, you were the sweetest, the kindest man, and I’d get a glimpse of the Edward I once knew. The boy I grew up with. Although other days, you were so distant, cold and unkind, it hurt me so much. I couldn’t fathom which was which. If you hated me or otherwise.”
“Hate you?” he said it as though it was a strange notion. “I could never hate you, Caroline. Not even if I tried. I could only ever love you as I always have, until my dying breath, and even beyond.”
Caroline didn’t think she had heard right.
Had he just said love?
Love?
“You love me?” she asked, her voice shaking as tears filled her eyes.
“With all that I am. For as long as I can remember, from the moment I knew what the word was.”
She lost the war as awe filled her. The dam broke free and the tears poured. Caroline made no move to stop them. It was hopeless.
“Why? How? I… Why didn’t you tell me? How can you claim to love me when you’ve done nothing but hurt me? How? Is that what love is to you?”
She hoped he wasn’t lying just to earn her forgiveness. As much as she was happy to hear those words, as much as she wanted to keep hearing them, if they were not the truth, then she would never forgive Edward.
“I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I did all I did, believing it was the best for you. For us. Believing you deserved better.” There was a pause as he lowered his gaze again. His Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed.
“I was also a coward. I couldn’t reveal the truth I was hiding from you. It was better for me to lie to myself that we could not be together because I would not allow it. I believed if I told you of my condition, you would reject me. I knew I never would have been able to live with that. So, I continued to lie instead.”
“Condition? Are you ill?” He seemed fine to her. He had always seemed fine.
He nodded, astonishing her further. “You could say so.”
She would have asked him what this illness was but he looked like he would tell her, regardless. So, she waited as he gathered himself.
Finally, he spoke. “Caroline, I cannot have children.”
Her eyes widened, almost pulling from their sockets.
“What?”
He nodded. “There was an accident. At war. It was the last battle I fought in. We were ambushed. Outnumbered, at least five to one. The French came prepared with their guns and their cannons. Many of our brothers fell. I took a bullet to my thigh. I laid there on the ground, with the war still raging, my fallen brothers scattered all about. I felt myself growing weak; I was losing too much blood.”
He was staring into emptiness and Caroline knew he was no longer present. He had gone back to that dreadful night.
Her heart broke for him all over. She didn’t realize when she stood up and went to him. She sat at his feet, holding his hands in hers, letting him know he was not alone. That he was safe with her, away from the battle ground. All the horrors he must have seen. When he hadn’t returned with any physical injury, she had thought he had been lucky.
She had been wrong. His mind was scarred, his soul damaged. His spirit must have been broken several times over. It turned out he hadn’t been spared physically, either.
“I can’t have children.”
She was almost certain she had felt his engorged member one too many times before. How was it possible he couldn’t have children if he could still perform?
She was drawn out of her thoughts when he continued to speak.
“I saw my end approach. I had been injured many times before in battle. However, I always had comrades to pull me away, take me back to safety. That night, anyone who could have helped was either already dead, dying, or terribly injured. I would have accepted it, that it was indeed the end. But then I thought of the promises I had made. To Aunt Helen and Uncle Ethan. To my parents, but most especially to you. I’d sworn I would return. I intended to keep that promise. I wanted to return to you, Caroline.”
He looked at her then, palming her face softly.
Caroline’s eyes fluttered closed as she rubbed her cheeks against his roughened palm. No doubt made so by the pistols he had had to carry, the rocks and ropes he had had to climb.
Her eyes opened when she felt wetness against her forehead. That was when she realized he was crying.
She wanted to hold him.
“You did…” she whispered.
He managed a small, sad smile. “Barely. I started to crawl towards the camp. I thought if I was lucky enough, I would arrive at the camp before I fainted. That someone would find me, and I could be nursed back to life. I had barely made it a hundred feet when a blast sounded, its force throwing me into the air. It was the last thing I remembered as my world went dark.”
Caroline squeezed his hand, shifting even closer.
“I awoke a month later in an infirmary. I was wound up in bandages. For another two weeks, I could barely speak. Everything hurt so much. I would later come to learn that the blast had thrown me against a rock and that it was a miracle I had survived. When my comrades found me, they thought I was dead. Luckily, they managed to feel a mild pulse.” He chuckled.
“The army doctor believed sheer will and lots of powerful prayers kept me alive. I had hit my head badly. I had about six broken ribs. The remaining were bruised. I had also dislocated my knee and ankle. My jaw was in a terrible state. It would take a few months to completely heal, I had been told. So, I remained in the hospital five more months before returning home.”
He heaved a sigh. “There was something else, the doctor told me. Something that killed the dream I had nursed for ove
r a decade. He said I had suffered injuries to my… member. That if I was ever able to lie with a woman again, I should consider myself lucky. However, even if I did, it was unlikely that I would ever have children. That part of me had been destroyed.”
Caroline finally understood. “I believe I might have heard of such conditions. One’s seed is considered… impotent, despite being able to perform.”
