by Mark Twain
CHAPTER XXV.
THE news was all over town in two minutes, and you could see the peopletearing down on the run from every which way, some of them putting ontheir coats as they come. ?Pretty soon we was in the middle of a crowd,and the noise of the tramping was like a soldier march. ?The windows anddooryards was full; and every minute somebody would say, over a fence:
"Is it _them_?"
And somebody trotting along with the gang would answer back and say:
"You bet it is."
When we got to the house the street in front of it was packed, and thethree girls was standing in the door. ?Mary Jane _was_ red-headed, butthat don't make no difference, she was most awful beautiful, and herface and her eyes was all lit up like glory, she was so glad her uncleswas come. The king he spread his arms, and Mary Jane she jumped forthem, and the hare-lip jumped for the duke, and there they had it!?Everybody most, leastways women, cried for joy to see them meet againat last and have such good times.
Then the king he hunched the duke private--I see him do it--and then helooked around and see the coffin, over in the corner on two chairs; sothen him and the duke, with a hand across each other's shoulder, andt'other hand to their eyes, walked slow and solemn over there, everybodydropping back to give them room, and all the talk and noise stopping,people saying "Sh!" and all the men taking their hats off and droopingtheir heads, so you could a heard a pin fall. ?And when they got therethey bent over and looked in the coffin, and took one sight, and thenthey bust out a-crying so you could a heard them to Orleans, most; andthen they put their arms around each other's necks, and hung their chinsover each other's shoulders; and then for three minutes, or maybe four,I never see two men leak the way they done. ?And, mind you, everybodywas doing the same; and the place was that damp I never see anythinglike it. Then one of them got on one side of the coffin, and t'other ont'other side, and they kneeled down and rested their foreheads on thecoffin, and let on to pray all to themselves. ?Well, when it cometo that it worked the crowd like you never see anything like it, andeverybody broke down and went to sobbing right out loud--the poor girls,too; and every woman, nearly, went up to the girls, without saying aword, and kissed them, solemn, on the forehead, and then put their handon their head, and looked up towards the sky, with the tears runningdown, and then busted out and went off sobbing and swabbing, and givethe next woman a show. ?I never see anything so disgusting.
Well, by and by the king he gets up and comes forward a little, andworks himself up and slobbers out a speech, all full of tears andflapdoodle about its being a sore trial for him and his poor brotherto lose the diseased, and to miss seeing diseased alive after the longjourney of four thousand mile, but it's a trial that's sweetened andsanctified to us by this dear sympathy and these holy tears, and so hethanks them out of his heart and out of his brother's heart, because outof their mouths they can't, words being too weak and cold, and all thatkind of rot and slush, till it was just sickening; and then he blubbersout a pious goody-goody Amen, and turns himself loose and goes to cryingfit to bust.
And the minute the words were out of his mouth somebody over in thecrowd struck up the doxolojer, and everybody joined in with all theirmight, and it just warmed you up and made you feel as good as churchletting out. Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter andhogwash I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest andbully.
Then the king begins to work his jaw again, and says how him and hisnieces would be glad if a few of the main principal friends of thefamily would take supper here with them this evening, and help set upwith the ashes of the diseased; and says if his poor brother layingyonder could speak he knows who he would name, for they was names thatwas very dear to him, and mentioned often in his letters; and so he willname the same, to wit, as follows, vizz.:--Rev. Mr. Hobson, and DeaconLot Hovey, and Mr. Ben Rucker, and Abner Shackleford, and Levi Bell, andDr. Robinson, and their wives, and the widow Bartley.
Rev. Hobson and Dr. Robinson was down to the end of the town a-huntingtogether--that is, I mean the doctor was shipping a sick man to t'otherworld, and the preacher was pinting him right. ?Lawyer Bell was away upto Louisville on business. ?But the rest was on hand, and so they allcome and shook hands with the king and thanked him and talked to him;and then they shook hands with the duke and didn't say nothing, but justkept a-smiling and bobbing their heads like a passel of sapheads whilsthe made all sorts of signs with his hands and said "Goo-goo--goo-goo-goo"all the time, like a baby that can't talk.
So the king he blattered along, and managed to inquire about prettymuch everybody and dog in town, by his name, and mentioned all sortsof little things that happened one time or another in the town, or toGeorge's family, or to Peter. ?And he always let on that Peter wrote himthe things; but that was a lie: ?he got every blessed one of them out ofthat young flathead that we canoed up to the steamboat.
Then Mary Jane she fetched the letter her father left behind, and theking he read it out loud and cried over it. ?It give the dwelling-houseand three thousand dollars, gold, to the girls; and it give the tanyard(which was doing a good business), along with some other houses andland (worth about seven thousand), and three thousand dollars in goldto Harvey and William, and told where the six thousand cash was hid downcellar. ?So these two frauds said they'd go and fetch it up, and haveeverything square and above-board; and told me to come with a candle.?We shut the cellar door behind us, and when they found the bagthey spilt it out on the floor, and it was a lovely sight, all themyaller-boys. ?My, the way the king's eyes did shine! ?He slaps the dukeon the shoulder and says:
"Oh, _this_ ain't bully nor noth'n! ?Oh, no, I reckon not! ?Why,_bully_, it beats the Nonesuch, _don't_ it?"
The duke allowed it did. ?They pawed the yaller-boys, and sifted themthrough their fingers and let them jingle down on the floor; and theking says:
"It ain't no use talkin'; bein' brothers to a rich dead man andrepresentatives of furrin heirs that's got left is the line for you andme, Bilge. ?Thish yer comes of trust'n to Providence. ?It's the bestway, in the long run. ?I've tried 'em all, and ther' ain't no betterway."
Most everybody would a been satisfied with the pile, and took it ontrust; but no, they must count it. ?So they counts it, and it comes outfour hundred and fifteen dollars short. ?Says the king:
"Dern him, I wonder what he done with that four hundred and fifteendollars?"
They worried over that awhile, and ransacked all around for it. ?Thenthe duke says:
"Well, he was a pretty sick man, and likely he made a mistake--I reckonthat's the way of it. ?The best way's to let it go, and keep still aboutit. ?We can spare it."
"Oh, shucks, yes, we can _spare_ it. ?I don't k'yer noth'n 'boutthat--it's the _count_ I'm thinkin' about. ?We want to be awful squareand open and above-board here, you know. ?We want to lug this h-yermoney up stairs and count it before everybody--then ther' ain't noth'nsuspicious. ?But when the dead man says ther's six thous'n dollars, youknow, we don't want to--"
"Hold on," says the duke. ?"Le's make up the deffisit," and he begun tohaul out yaller-boys out of his pocket.
"It's a most amaz'n' good idea, duke--you _have_ got a rattlin' cleverhead on you," says the king. ?"Blest if the old Nonesuch ain't a heppin'us out agin," and _he_ begun to haul out yaller-jackets and stack themup.
It most busted them, but they made up the six thousand clean and clear.
"Say," says the duke, "I got another idea. ?Le's go up stairs and countthis money, and then take and _give it to the girls_."
"Good land, duke, lemme hug you! ?It's the most dazzling idea 'at ever aman struck. ?You have cert'nly got the most astonishin' head I ever see.Oh, this is the boss dodge, ther' ain't no mistake 'bout it. ?Let 'emfetch along their suspicions now if they want to--this 'll lay 'em out."
When we got up-stairs everybody gethered around the table, and the kinghe counted it and stacked it up, three hundred dollars in a pile--twentyelegant little piles. ?Everybody looked hungry at it, and licked theirchop
s. ?Then they raked it into the bag again, and I see the king beginto swell himself up for another speech. ?He says:
"Friends all, my poor brother that lays yonder has done generous bythem that's left behind in the vale of sorrers. ?He has done generous bythese yer poor little lambs that he loved and sheltered, and that's leftfatherless and motherless. ?Yes, and we that knowed him knows that hewould a done _more_ generous by 'em if he hadn't ben afeard o' woundin'his dear William and me. ?Now, _wouldn't_ he? ?Ther' ain't no question'bout it in _my_ mind. ?Well, then, what kind o' brothers would it bethat 'd stand in his way at sech a time? ?And what kind o' uncles wouldit be that 'd rob--yes, _rob_--sech poor sweet lambs as these 'at he lovedso at sech a time? ?If I know William--and I _think_ I do--he--well, I'lljest ask him." He turns around and begins to make a lot of signs tothe duke with his hands, and the duke he looks at him stupid andleather-headed a while; then all of a sudden he seems to catch hismeaning, and jumps for the king, goo-gooing with all his might for joy,and hugs him about fifteen times before he lets up. ?Then the king says,"I knowed it; I reckon _that 'll_ convince anybody the way _he_ feelsabout it. ?Here, Mary Jane, Susan, Joanner, take the money--take it_all_. ?It's the gift of him that lays yonder, cold but joyful."
Mary Jane she went for him, Susan and the hare-lip went for theduke, and then such another hugging and kissing I never see yet. ?Andeverybody crowded up with the tears in their eyes, and most shook thehands off of them frauds, saying all the time:
"You _dear_ good souls!--how _lovely_!--how _could_ you!"
Well, then, pretty soon all hands got to talking about the diseasedagain, and how good he was, and what a loss he was, and all that; andbefore long a big iron-jawed man worked himself in there from outside,and stood a-listening and looking, and not saying anything; and nobodysaying anything to him either, because the king was talking and they wasall busy listening. ?The king was saying--in the middle of something he'dstarted in on--
"--they bein' partickler friends o' the diseased. ?That's why they'reinvited here this evenin'; but tomorrow we want _all_ to come--everybody;for he respected everybody, he liked everybody, and so it's fitten thathis funeral orgies sh'd be public."
And so he went a-mooning on and on, liking to hear himself talk, andevery little while he fetched in his funeral orgies again, till the dukehe couldn't stand it no more; so he writes on a little scrap of paper,"_Obsequies_, you old fool," and folds it up, and goes to goo-gooing andreaching it over people's heads to him. ?The king he reads it and putsit in his pocket, and says:
"Poor William, afflicted as he is, his _heart's_ aluz right. ?Asks meto invite everybody to come to the funeral--wants me to make 'em allwelcome. ?But he needn't a worried--it was jest what I was at."
Then he weaves along again, perfectly ca'm, and goes to dropping in hisfuneral orgies again every now and then, just like he done before. ?Andwhen he done it the third time he says:
"I say orgies, not because it's the common term, because itain't--obsequies bein' the common term--but because orgies is the rightterm. Obsequies ain't used in England no more now--it's gone out. ?Wesay orgies now in England. ?Orgies is better, because it means the thingyou're after more exact. ?It's a word that's made up out'n the Greek_orgo_, outside, open, abroad; and the Hebrew _jeesum_, to plant, coverup; hence in_ter._ ?So, you see, funeral orgies is an open er publicfuneral."
He was the _worst_ I ever struck. ?Well, the iron-jawed man he laughedright in his face. ?Everybody was shocked. ?Everybody says, "Why,_doctor_!" and Abner Shackleford says:
"Why, Robinson, hain't you heard the news? ?This is Harvey Wilks."
The king he smiled eager, and shoved out his flapper, and says:
"Is it my poor brother's dear good friend and physician? ?I--"
"Keep your hands off of me!" says the doctor. ?"_You_ talk like anEnglishman, _don't_ you? ?It's the worst imitation I ever heard. ?_You_Peter Wilks's brother! ?You're a fraud, that's what you are!"
Well, how they all took on! ?They crowded around the doctor and tried toquiet him down, and tried to explain to him and tell him how Harvey 'dshowed in forty ways that he _was_ Harvey, and knowed everybody by name,and the names of the very dogs, and begged and _begged_ him not to hurtHarvey's feelings and the poor girl's feelings, and all that. ?But itwarn't no use; he stormed right along, and said any man that pretendedto be an Englishman and couldn't imitate the lingo no better than whathe did was a fraud and a liar. ?The poor girls was hanging to the kingand crying; and all of a sudden the doctor ups and turns on _them_. ?Hesays:
"I was your father's friend, and I'm your friend; and I warn you as afriend, and an honest one that wants to protect you and keep you out ofharm and trouble, to turn your backs on that scoundrel and have nothingto do with him, the ignorant tramp, with his idiotic Greek and Hebrew,as he calls it. ?He is the thinnest kind of an impostor--has come herewith a lot of empty names and facts which he picked up somewheres, andyou take them for _proofs_, and are helped to fool yourselves by thesefoolish friends here, who ought to know better. ?Mary Jane Wilks, youknow me for your friend, and for your unselfish friend, too. ?Now listento me; turn this pitiful rascal out--I _beg_ you to do it. ?Will you?"
Mary Jane straightened herself up, and my, but she was handsome! ?Shesays:
"_Here_ is my answer." ?She hove up the bag of money and put it in theking's hands, and says, "Take this six thousand dollars, and invest forme and my sisters any way you want to, and don't give us no receipt forit."
Then she put her arm around the king on one side, and Susan and thehare-lip done the same on the other. ?Everybody clapped their hands andstomped on the floor like a perfect storm, whilst the king held up hishead and smiled proud. ?The doctor says:
"All right; I wash _my_ hands of the matter. ?But I warn you all that atime 's coming when you're going to feel sick whenever you think of thisday." And away he went.
"All right, doctor," says the king, kinder mocking him; "we'll try andget 'em to send for you;" which made them all laugh, and they said itwas a prime good hit.
