by Sally John
She blinked back tears.
“Susan, I guarantee Drake will see life differently when he holds that baby. Just never, never give up on him.”
Alone again in the beach house, Susan sat in her favorite spot by the window, cell phone in hand, Pugsy snoring on her lap. Julian’s words echoed in her mind. Just never, never give up on him. They kindled a flame of hope.
“But, Lord, it’s so hard to take another first step toward him!”
She reminded herself of last night’s laughter and smiled. In the midst of silliness, the women had related on a level deeper than she thought possible. Kenzie, Natalie, and Pepper—all three of them—had mellowed almost beyond recognition. They insisted, however, that if it came to a vote, she won first prize for the most unrecognizable.
She agreed. She pinched her arm now in an effort to convince herself she wasn’t dreaming. Positive developments nearly eclipsed all the shadows on her horizon. Communication lines with her daughter and Aidan’s mother were wide open. The Martha Mavens hovered about her like guardian angels. She—shy little Susie Anderson—was on the same prayer wavelength as Mildred, the prayer warrior of all prayer warriors. A big soft spot in her heart enveloped the formerly intimidating Tess Harmon. Susan felt like a joyful bird who couldn’t stop singing. What more could she want?
Besides reconciliation with Drake.
Even in her atypically weepy state, Natalie had taken issue with Susan’s desire to call him. “Let God have His way with him,” she said.
Susan replied, “You sound like Drake condemning Kenzie. ‘Let her suffer the consequences, then she’ll turn back to God.’”
Natalie cricked her neck, twisting her head in that way of hers while she considered how much opinion to verbalize and how much to hold back. “It’s close, but not the same thing.”
“Kenzie came back after I contacted her. After I expressed as best I could my unconditional love for her. How can I not offer Drake the same thing?”
Natalie had shrugged, but tears glistened in her eyes.
Just never, never give up on him.
Susan opened her phone and pressed Drake’s cell number.
“Susan.” Drake answered his phone on the first ring by saying her name.
Susan’s chest felt the same way it did when she heard Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus.” What did one do with such joy except sing?
She restrained herself and only whispered in her heart a prayer of thanks. Drake recognized her number on his caller ID! He evidently had the phone at his fingertips! Was he eager to hear from her?
“Drake. Hi.” A nervous giggle escaped.
“Hi.”
“I…I was just wondering how you are.”
No reply.
“Drake?”
“I’m here. I’m…well, I guess you could say I’m not myself. Which, according to some people, might be a good thing.” He heaved a sigh. “I didn’t mean for you not to come home.”
“I know.”
“Or for your friends not to come to church.” There was no hint of condescension in his tone.
“I know. And that has nothing to do with why they’re planning—But how are you?” She didn’t want to talk about the other thing yet. “Are you eating and sleeping?”
“More or less. How are you?”
“I’m doing really well.” She recalled Julian’s description; it said it best. “The sabbatical is working.”
She heard his sharp intake of breath.
Withholding a quick reply to downplay how great she felt—she didn’t want to sound calloused to his depressed state—Susan placed a hand at her chest and prompted herself. No more straitjacket. No more binding myself.
He had to hear the truth about her as well as things about his daughter. The tension drained away.
She said, “Kenzie spent last night with me. We got along fine. Probably the best we have in years.”
“Hmm.”
“She’s working at a coffee shop. She’s been to a doctor. The baby’s heartbeat is strong and regular. She’s healthy. The band is scheduled to record a CD. Aidan keeps busy writing music. And they have quite a number of engagements scheduled, weddings and parties. Sometimes the guys play in clubs. Not Kenzie, of course, since she’s not old enough.” Whew. She’d told him everything, even the part about bars. “So I guess that’s all her news.”
“Hmm.”
She didn’t let his lack of enthusiasm dismay her. At least he gave a response. At least he was listening. She went on.
“I called to see how you are. I miss you.”
“Will you come home?”
“I will when…um, I just…I just need to feel comfortable about you and Kenzie. I need to know that when I call her or go see her or when she comes to the house, you’ll be all right. You won’t condemn our relationship or…or send us away.”
“What about Friday night?”
His subject change eluded her. “What do you mean?”
“Your friends’ antics.”
“My friends—? Oh.” The boycott. “Drake, I’m sorry it looks like antics, like they’re choosing sides. They simply want to show their concern for all of us. They believe it was the only way to get your attention.”
“Well, they were right about that. It got my attention all right. No doubt whatsoever.”
“It’s understandable if you’re furious, but I hope you’ll see their love in what—”
“I was furious at first.” He paused. “Now I’m confused and hurt.”
She ignored the hint of a sulky tone. “Of course. The thing is, they want us back together again. All five of us.”
“Five?”
“Five.” She waited for him to catch her drift.
It took a moment. “We do not have five people in this family. Kenzie broke us apart. Does your little clique really believe that because they won’t be in church Friday night I’ll change my mind about our prodigal? Reverse my teaching on letting children suffer consequences?”
“Yes.”
“Susan, that is not going to happen.”
“Oh!” She didn’t hide her instantaneous frustration. “You’re as pigheaded as she is! Would what you’re doing to Kenzie have worked with you back when we were unwed and pregnant? If you’d been kicked out of seminary, what would you have done?”
“It’s a moot point. We got married.”
“And didn’t have the baby. But if the school found out about us, neither of those would have mattered. It was written in black-and-white right there in the rule book. Intimacy before marriage meant no degree, no support from that institution.” Susan felt lightheaded, as if her brain were cut off from oxygen. She couldn’t think about what she said; the words shot straight out from her heart. “We lied, Drake. We lied. At least Kenzie’s not hypocritical. Not letting her come home is condemning her to a death in the same way you would have been condemned to a death. Getting kicked out of that school would have ruined your life. Your rejection of Kenzie cuts a hole so deep in her heart it will never go away.”
She ran out of words.
Drake did not respond for a few seconds. “Susan, I don’t know you anymore. You’re like a stranger.”
“Then let me introduce myself.” Evidently she had more things to say. “I’m Susan Starr and I just discovered Jesus likes me. As a matter of fact, He’s crazy about me. Even when I’m not perfect. I believe He wants me to live accordingly.”
Drake didn’t reply.
“Does that make sense to you?”
“I have to think about it. I met with a few deacons earlier.”
She knew he studiously avoided naming names. He didn’t want her image of his board members tainted.
His next words came as no surprise. “They back my position a hundred percent.”
Her shoulders sagged, and she didn’t bother to ask which exact details he’d told them that they would support.
“In the interest of all fairness, I’m meeting with some others later today.”
“All right.”
“All right.”
Silence.
“Drake, are we making any headway?”
“Does it feel like it?”
“I don’t know. Is this how it is when you counsel married couples?”
“How do you mean?”
“Do they feel sort of…unfinished after a session?”
“I…I’ve never been on this end.” His voice wavered.
“Should we talk to someone?”
“Between your Marthas and my deacons, I think we’re talking to quite enough people, thank you very much.” He was backing off, gaining control again.
“I meant to a marriage counselor about us.”
“I don’t think the church could handle that. Besides, I am a marriage counselor. I’d better go.”
I quit, Lord! A flash of anger cut that line of thinking. She would not quit! She was not going to be defeated. By the grace of God, she would not quit.
“All right, Drake. I just called to say I love you and that I’m here for you.”
“I’d much rather you were saying that from here.”
She waited a long moment, hoping for any sort of expression of his love. It didn’t come. Which was okay. Her unconditional love for him was independent of any reciprocation. Right? Right.
“Goodbye, then.”
“Yes. Goodbye.” Crisp. Efficient.
She closed up her phone and told herself he and Kenzie were exactly alike. They could push each other’s buttons for the remainder of their lives and neither boycotts nor babies nor a broken marriage would change their minds.
Fifty-Four
“Call it off, Natalie.” Susan’s voice nearly squeaked.
Natalie moved the phone from her ear. She must look like an idiot walking through a parking lot pushing a cartful of groceries, frowning at a cell she held at arm’s length. No doubt she had looked silly inside the store as well. During the entire checkout process she listened to Susan’s woeful tale of a conversation with Drake. What felt like permanent grooves carved themselves into her forehead.
At last the urge to shout at her sister-in-law passed and she replaced the phone to her ear. “Susan, you’re going monkey on me. Come on, girl, get a grip. The straitjacket is gone. Drake is not in your head screening every jot and tittle. Jesus, the Lord Himself, is right there with you and He’s crazy about you.”
“Call it off! A few people skipping church is not going to faze him. He will not budge from his convictions.”
“Do you doubt God’s ability to melt his heart?”
Susan went quiet.
“Of course you don’t. Things seem a little scary at the moment, that’s all.”
“He’s digging his heels in deeper.”
“So God will just have to yank a little harder.”
“I don’t want the church to split over this.”
“It won’t, Suze.”
“This is how splinter groups form.”
“Listen.” She reached her SUV, opened the back end, and unloaded groceries while she talked. “Those of us involved simply want Drake to know we’re concerned. We’re the ones who care deeply about him. We’ll be there for Easter. We’ll be there to work from the inside, praying you all through this time. We don’t want to go anywhere else. We’re not condemning Drake. On the contrary, we’re rooting for him.”
“You’re rooting for him?”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but yeah. That’s it! We are. I am. Suze, I told you. I’ve been in the wrong, always mad at Drake. I don’t want to be like that anymore. Oh, hon, are you crying?”
“I don’t know how to root for him.”
Natalie listened to her sniffle and pushed the cart to a return slot. How could Susan root for him? He hadn’t responded to her need. He hadn’t promised he would stop disapproving of her relationship with Kenzie. She was so torn, still forced to choose between her husband and her daughter. Should she go home? What about their vacation schedule for next week?
“Suze, his vacation time starts Monday. Is he coming to the beach?”
“We…we didn’t talk about it. I have no idea what to expect.”
Natalie sighed and climbed into her car. “You know what Mildred would say to expect. Expect God to show up.”
“I’m losing hope.”
“Glory.”
“What?”
“Glory. I’m not sure. The word just popped into my head. ‘Glory!’ Go sing, Suze. Go walk with Pugsy on the beach. Walk and walk and sing and sing. That’s how you root for Drake. God inhabits the praises of His people. Praise Him and He will show up and He will melt Drake’s heart.”
Natalie propped her arm on the steering wheel and rubbed her forehead, listening to silence from Susan’s end for what felt like minutes.
At last there was a final sniffle and she cleared her throat. “All right. ‘Glory be to the Father.’” She sang the words. “‘And to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost.’”
“What is that?”
“The ‘Gloria Patri.’ Second Century traditional. ‘As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen, amen.’”
“And amen.”
Fifty-Five
As Kenzie imagined Aidan and Pepper speeding toward Los Angeles, she carefully inched his van into the carport beside her mother’s sensible white four-door car. There really wasn’t enough space for it. The rear bumper stuck way out into the alley, but that was the least of her worries. She crunched the parking brake and shut off the engine. It shook and shuddered and rattled.
And then she did the same.
“Oh, God.”
Mick couldn’t die. He couldn’t. Pepper might be the heart of the Carlucci family, but Mick was the soul. He was the essence. He kept them together. All the kids adored him. Kenzie totally adored him. And how she loved Aidan!
She totally adored the entire family. They had taken her in when her life fell apart.
Still…she wasn’t a Carlucci. She might be carrying one, but she wasn’t one. Aidan didn’t need her by his side. He didn’t need her to work on his latest composition because, unlike ones of the recent past, he hadn’t shared it with her. Pepper didn’t need her to take care of Mickey Junior or the other young ones. Mick didn’t need her at the hospital.
“Oh, God!”
She shuddered again. Unhooking the seat belt took a while. Only the sight of her mother’s car cut through the anxious thoughts that clung like black cobwebs jamming her mind. Her mom was near. Traces of last night’s slumber party beckoned. Peace and laughter.
Kenzie made her way around to the front of the beach house and approached the door. She didn’t want to knock. She wanted to be a little girl bursting into the house with news. She wanted to be home.
As she touched the doorknob, the door opened and her mother greeted her with a fading smile. “Kenzie, what is it?”
She stumbled into Susan’s open arms and sobbed. “Mommy!”
Hours later, after tears, the Carlucci family news, Susan’s prayer, a nap, milk, cookies and an apple, Kenzie smiled. “At least it was my day off. I didn’t miss work.”
Her mother sat on the edge of the couch where Kenzie lay and smoothed her hand. “I’m so glad you came, honey. Do you want to call Aidan? They should know something by now.”
She shook her head. “He said he would phone when he got a chance. They’ve got so many other people—relatives—to contact. Do you know how many brothers and sisters Pepper has?”
“A lot.”
“Yeah. Mick does too.”
“Do you want to spend the night here?”
A wave of euphoria swept through her. She didn’t think it was a cookie sugar rush. “You mean it?”
“Oh, sweetheart, of course I mean it. What a treat! To have you with me two nights in a row? Wow. This is a slice of heaven. I wish—” She closed her mouth.
“What? You wish what? Come on, Mom, you’re into speaking your mind.”
&
nbsp; She smiled. “Okay. I wish we could spend more time together.”
“We have been lately. Maybe it’ll catch on.”
“You’d be all right with that?”
“Sure. You’re different than you used to be. You’re not so uptight and perfect anymore and driving me nuts. I don’t even feel compelled to call you June!”
She laughed. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Do you feel like going outside? There’s a couple hours of daylight left. We could just sit or walk with Pugsy.”
“Can we play in the sand?”
“The rest of the day is for you to be spoiled. We can do whatever you want.”
Hunched over in the middle of a small shed in the backyard, Kenzie moved aside wetsuits, a heavy surfboard, fins, boogie boards, beach chairs, and bicycles. “Aha! I knew these were in here.”
“What?” her mother asked.
“These.” She backed out of the shed, carrying a large mesh bag full of plastic sand toys. “Shovels, buckets, and look! Molds for castles and parapets. Faith Fontaine sure knew how to stock a beach house.”
“I was impressed with the tea.”
“Tea? It’s the beach, Mom! Think sand and ocean.”
Susan fluttered her eyes and grunted in disgust. “Whatever!”
Kenzie laughed. Where had this Susan Starr been the past nineteen years? She even wore blue jeans. Baggie ones, but still. They were the first pair Kenzie had ever seen on her. She said Aunt Nattie had bought them.
They plunked down on the sand a little way from the water’s edge. The tide was making its slow return. Before getting her hands gritty, Kenzie slid her cell phone from her back pocket and checked for messages again. Of course she would have heard it ring if Aidan had called, but she couldn’t help checking anyway.
“Anything, hon?”
“No.” She closed up the phone and put it away.
“Why don’t you call?”
“I don’t want to be in their way.” She upended the bag and emptied it. Mickey Junior would enjoy this. Someday maybe she could bring him to the beach.
The lengthy silence between her and Susan grew comfortable. Compatible. Kneeling in the sand, they dug moats, filled molds with wet sand, and constructed towers. Pugsy raced around like a crazy dog and eventually settled into nosing every shell in sight. After a time, Kenzie became lost in the simple activity of playing, oblivious as a kid to the yuckiness of life.
