I wonder if he’s decided against this. I wonder if he’s just looking for an out, I thought suddenly. The fear kicked in. He wasn’t really into me. He just wanted an out.
I managed to shut my head up, and I looked at Lawrence. Really looked at him. He didn’t look like he wanted an out.
“Oh, I’m ready,” I assured him.
Lawrence
We were on my bed. Erica was under me, relaxed, welcoming. I wasn’t inside her yet but it wouldn’t be long now. We were almost there.
I lowered my head. “Tell me what you like,” I whispered in a way I really hoped was sexy. I wouldn’t normally ask straight up, but this was important.
Erica hesitated. “I don’t know what I like.”
That kind of rattled around in my head for a second, not really connecting. And then I figured out what she was telling me. “You mean you’re -”
“Yeah.”
Shit. I had no idea how to handle this. Absolutely no idea. I just knew that this made things more complicated. I propped myself up with my arms for a second, hoping I could think more clearly without her body touching mine.
If Erica had never done this before, she had obviously been waiting. Waiting for the right time, the right guy. Something special. Was I really all that for her?
I wanted to be. God, I really wanted to be. But I didn’t know for sure.
“We don’t have to do this, if you’re not ready,” I said dully. All the while, my body was screaming Are you insane?! Of course we have to do this!
Erica looked up at me. It seemed like she waited a long time before speaking, but then my sense of time was heightened. All my senses were.
“Oh, I’m ready,” Erica said.
Erica
Lawrence flopped back down in clear relief, kissing me enthusiastically. I smiled through his kiss, running my hands through his hair. I felt his weight everywhere and it excited me all over again.
Suddenly Lawrence raised his head and slid off me. I sat up in desperation, following his body. “Where are you going?” I demanded.
He laughed softly. “I have to get a condom.” He kissed the side of my face. “Trust me, I’ll be right back.”
I smiled, and he kissed me once more and left the bed, walking a short distance to a container full of small drawers. He located a condom, tore open the wrapper and put it on with speed that I found impressive. Then he came back to me. He knelt on the bed, touching me, still not rushing, but there had been another shift in the atmosphere and I knew what it meant.
Wow. This is happening. I looked at Lawrence’s face. “My heart is beating so fast.”
He smiled almost nervously. “Mine too.” He came closer and took me in his arms, carefully laying me down.
Lawrence
I took a deep breath, steadying myself. She was ready. It was seconds away now. I made myself breathe. Slow down and breathe.
After all this time, all this buildup, all I wanted was to push into her and go at it hard and fast. I had to not do that, because I wasn’t important right now. And what I really wanted was for her to have a good experience. She was entrusting me with a lot, and I could not let her down. I could not throw away that trust.
And she was going to have an orgasm, if I had to cut my left ball off to keep from coming first.
I entered her slowly, carefully, and tried not to lose my mind when I first felt that hot, slick tightness. My entire body clenched and I almost cried out, but as I started to move inside her I found a rhythm.
My vision cleared and I hastily looked down at Erica. “Are you okay?” I asked.
She smiled. “Yes. It feels good.” She lay back, stroking my hair.
Now that I knew she was alright, I lost myself for a moment, letting that feeling take over my whole body, everything. It was incredible. It felt so good to finally be with her.
I slipped my hands over hers and kissed her, moving slowly inside her. I wasn’t even thinking about going faster. This was all I wanted. Just for this to last.
Erica
Lawrence shifted, and then he was inside me, slowly filling me. It was new and surprising, but it didn’t feel anything but right.
He began to move back and forth, touching different places. The pain was there, but it was minimal, and it didn’t bother me. He was being careful with me, so careful, and I knew I’d been right about him.
Lawrence’s eyes were on me, watching my face intently. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I smiled. “It feels good.” I ran my hands through his hair, and his eyes closed. He kissed me and reached for my hands, held them as he rocked me gently back and forth, just a little faster.
He stroked the sides of my breasts, laying kisses down my neck. All I could feel was his hardness against me and it was wonderful. All of his muscles were engaged; his every move was deliberate. His control was incredible. I knew how fortunate I was. Lawrence was taking care of me in every way.
Lawrence propped himself up on his elbows and leaned into his thrusts, increasing the intensity. His eyes remained on me, watching me carefully as he thrust deeper. His hair fell messily around his face. My body shook a little, and not from the pain. My hands gripped his shoulders. “Lawrence…oh.”
Lawrence looked at me, grinned as if in anticipation and before I knew what had happened he flipped us over so I was on top of him. He urged me up with his hands until I was almost sitting upright. I was so far gone now that my earlier inhibitions had left completely. “Lean forward,” Lawrence instructed, his voice a low rasp.
I leaned forward, steadying myself with my arms, my hands on Lawrence’s chest. I moved against him, finding the angle I needed, increasing the pace. My legs were shaking. Lawrence stared at me, poring over every inch of my body. His eyes were darker than I’d ever seen them and he didn’t take them off me once. His thumb circled my clitoris, picking up speed with my own urgent motions.
I was aware of something building, a pressure, a need. My body was tensing, my legs quivered. It started inside me, the warmth, the contraction of nerve endings, the intense, overpowering sensation, and it spread up into my pelvis, and my whole body vibrated with it, straining upward until I screamed out once more and collapsed, limp, still trembling in places. Lawrence shook underneath me, threw his head back and let out a deep, shuddering groan, and we were both still but for the hurried rise and fall of our chests, the sharp and repeated intake of air.
I sank into his damp chest and felt the cacophony of our heartbeats. Lawrence wrapped his arm around me, letting me know this was right where I should be. “Thank you,” I whispered. “That was wonderful.”
Lawrence
I was relaxed, finally, and sleeping would have been so easy. I fought the intensely pleasant fatigue, managing to stay conscious. I didn’t want to miss any of this. I loved having her weight on me, even as it slowly weakened my air supply. I hadn’t even realized how much I missed that feeling, but now that I was feeling it again I didn’t know how I’d gone without it. It was like anything else I loved.
Erica
We lay there for some time, unaware of how the minutes passed. Eventually I sat up, easing off of him. Lawrence stayed down for a second, looking up at me, his hair across his forehead. Then he rose, staying close. I didn’t quite know what to say, but nothing needed to be said at that point.
Lawrence looked at me. “Are you hungry?” he said out of nowhere.
I thought on that for a second. “I’m always hungry,” I replied.
He grinned. “Do you want some cake?”
I perked up at that. Then I wavered. I shouldn’t. I was torn, even though I hated that expression.
“It’s a special day,” Lawrence said, handily enabling me.
I nodded eagerly. “Yes. Okay.” I didn’t take much convincing. But I guess we already knew that…
He went off somewhere, and I stayed, admiring his sharp, muscled shoulders and his butt, which was even nicer to look at without the denim. Soon he was back with a huge
slab of chocolate layer cake on a plate. My eyes flitted between him and the dessert.
He settled in on the bed and set the plate down between us, handing me a fork. I held his gaze and slid my fork down through the layers. I started eating, and I was glad I didn’t have the whole cake in front of me, because I knew I wasn’t capable of stopping.
“Is the bottom layer different?” I asked in between bites.
“Yeah, it’s a fudge brownie,” Lawrence said.
“Damn.” I shook my head in wonderment. “You do know how to pick ‘em.”
He smiled, eyes on me. “I do.”
We ate our way through the cake, eventually setting the plate aside. Lawrence had a bit of frosting at the corner of his mouth, and I figured it was within my rights now to lick it off. We started kissing, deeper and deeper, and eventually I was straddling him, and his hands had fallen to my thighs. “Can we do it again?” I whispered.
He laughed softly against my neck. “Yes.” He kissed me again. “Yes.”
Quickly Lawrence left the bed. “Stay there,” he said, grinning. “Don’t move.” In a minute he was back, landing right behind me, bouncing the mattress. “Take hold of the headboard.”
I reached out and held onto the metal bar. He spread my thighs and then thrust into me. I cried out breathlessly and he started moving, steadying himself with his hands on my back. He was thrusting harder and it was even better this time, and I was overcome, shouting out repeated yeses. Eventually his hand slid between my legs and I came quickly. And then Lawrence was sliding off me, rolling me over so we both faced the ceiling. His face was set in an easy, elated smile, and I felt the same expression on mine. Sunlight streamed through the windows, filling up the room.
After a while I got up reluctantly, finding my clothes back in the entryway. I went back to the bedroom and started getting dressed, but I kept stealing glances at Lawrence lounging on the bed, and he kept gazing at the parts of me that weren’t yet fully clothed, and soon I gave in and let him take off what little I’d managed to put on. He touched me eagerly, thoroughly, everywhere. My body weakened in anticipation.
I jumped off the bed, finding a condom. I rolled it on Lawrence and climbed on top of him, feeling him under my skin, staring at the changing landscape of muscle as he held himself back, finally letting go as my orgasm started.
Afterward I lay with him for a few minutes, touching his face. I was contented, and the frenzied need in me was finally at rest. Lawrence looked sleepily up at me, and I felt a pull in my heart. I wanted to just stay here, fall asleep and wake up here.
“I should go,” I said, sitting up slowly. I knew I had been expected at home a while ago. My mother was surely horrified by my extended absence.
Lawrence’s head flopped forward. His eyelids, which had been falling steadily, rose sharply. “Okay,” he said with the same reluctance I felt.
I kissed his forehead gently. “You look tired, anyway,” I said softly.
He shook his head defiantly. “I could go again,” he insisted.
I smiled. “I don’t doubt it.” I kissed him on the mouth. “But I’ve gotta go.”
I rose and put my clothes back on. Lawrence slid off the bed and came up to me. He walked me to the door and gave me a kiss that lingered.
“I’ll see you,” I said softly. I kissed him one more time and then I just had to walk away. I glanced back a few times before getting in my truck and driving off. I was certain I had several worried voice mails by now, but I didn’t look at my phone.
When I got home the light was starting to shift. I parked my truck and walked up the drive to the house. I opened the door and let it fall shut behind me. It rattled, announcing my return.
My mother appeared from somewhere, moving quickly. “There you are. Where have you been? I was going out of my mind worrying, I must’ve left five voice mails…”
I walked past her without saying a word and floated up the stairs to my room. I shut my door on the sounds of her agitated voice and went directly to my bed, where I landed softly. My chest was full of feeling and I lay there for a long time, replaying everything that had happened.
Lawrence
I watched her walk away, get in her truck and leave. I stayed at the window for a minute, and then I turned and headed back to the bedroom. I was tired. While Erica had been here I’d kept going through sheer desire, fueled by her scent, her body, the pleasure on her face. But now that she’d left, I was tired enough to fall down.
I reached around, finding my phone on the end table. I dialed. It rang many times, and then the machine kicked in. Amber never answered her phone, but that was alright right now.
This is Amber’s phone. Leave a message if you want.
“I found a way to tell her,” I said, smiling. And then I fell asleep for a really long time.
Mandy
“Something’s different,” I said as I peered through the window. Chuck, sitting over by the table drinking his coffee, didn’t comment. He knew by now that his take on things was not necessary.
I kept my eye trained on his yard. He was working one of his busted horses, the really pretty gold one. He had her in a bridle with two long leads and he walked behind her at a distance, working her on straight lines at a gentle walk and trot.
The gay chick was gone, but she had been for almost a week. She’d gotten a job somewhere, and about the only difference was there was no yelling, and the house didn’t vibrate with “Poker Face” whenever Lawrence went out on an errand.
No, it didn’t have anything to do with the gay chick. Something was up. I knew it. I felt it. I reached for my binoculars. Chuck hacked up some phlegm in a way that let me know he disapproved of my tactics.
“Shut up,” I said without turning around.
“I didn’t say anything,” Chuck said, but after that he didn’t make that noise again.
I drew a bead on Lawrence. He had halted the horse and was patting her while she did her best to climb in his lap. Take a number, hon. He led her back to the little paddock she lived in and turned her loose. Then he turned and just stood there soaking up the sun, head back, arms loose.
I stared. That’s it. For a while, pretty much ever since he stopped screwing me, he’d been agitated, generally short-fused and irritable. I’d blamed it on the gay chick being a bitch, but I realized something deeper had been in play.
Now he moved around with that relaxed, easy swagger, the hooded eyes and chill demeanor of someone who just got laid. That was normal for him. What wasn’t normal was that he hadn’t gotten laid for a while. And that wasn’t just a dry spell. That was a choice. So who was he waiting for?
I could feel Chuck’s eyes on me. “Are you ever going to leave that window?” He asked, resigned.
I didn’t move. “I’m waiting for someone to show up.”
Chuck left the table and came up beside me. “I bet it’s the horse trainer,” he said, just to be included.
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right. He’s just using her to get his horse going.”
“I dunno,” said Chuck. “I don’t really think he’s a user. He seems like a decent enough guy.”
I shook my head. “You’re just saying that because he stopped fucking me.”
“Well, that kind of gesture does bring out them warm fuzzies in my heart,” Chuck said.
Lawrence
The days passed. Several in a row. Slowly the haze of happiness lifted, and everything seemed sharper and potentially painful.
I wanted to call her but I was afraid of what she might say. I wanted to make love to her again and it drove me crazy not knowing if she wanted the same thing. I was by myself and the silence was quickly growing uncomfortable.
I’d called Amber up, looking for advice. “At what point,” I said desperately, “is it acceptable to call her?”
“How long has it been?” Amber asked, clearly bored.
“A day. And a half.”
“Oh, my God,” Amber said. “You can’t call now, she’l
l think you’re a never-ending black hole of need. She’s independent. She’ll hate that.”
“Okay, okay,” I said, trying to stop her from going on. “But when is it okay to call?”
“Why do you have this need to call her? You do not need to call her! She’ll probably call you, or she’ll just come out to your place to work your stupid horse, because I gather you still haven’t told her that your stupid horse is no longer crazy?”
“Yes, that’s true…” I raked a hand over my scalp. “I just don’t want her to think I’m not interested.”
“You jumped her bones, right? I think you’ve got ‘I’m interested’ covered.”
“And besides that,” Amber went on, “Why is it that you’re always asking me for advice? I mean, I get that you’re clueless, but how am I your go-to person on relationships? All of my relationships have been total disasters, and I can’t seem to get a date to save my ass. How am I supposed to keep you from running your relationship into the ditch?”
Amber was now pointedly ignoring my calls. She didn’t understand. I couldn’t explain the fear to her. I couldn’t explain just how bad it was.
The women in my life had always been temporary. They were with me for a day, or an hour, and then they left and went back to their husband, or their boyfriend, or their life. It was fun, it felt good. It was easy. This was not easy.
I had never felt anything like what I felt for Erica. And now that I’d done those things with her, been that close to her, I was vulnerable, completely, stupidly vulnerable. I had no power, no strength in me anymore. I felt stripped down to my soul, and it was terrifying.
She had given herself to me. She trusted me. And it felt like I had done the same, but I couldn’t trust her because I had lived too much and I knew how people were. I thought she was different but I didn’t know. I just didn’t know.
Training Harry Page 51
