Five days later I had gotten completely over feeling guilty for being the bad girl around town. I mean, shucks, it was summertime, hot as I don’t know what in Arkansas. Dang, I had been so good at Malloy’s place; I had invited just a few of my classmates to study. They weren’t sorors, but certainly studying wasn’t going to be a bad thing.
However, I was really shocked and probably got what I deserved when the classmates invited some locals who didn’t even go to school at Western Smith. They came in twenty strong with loud music, beer, and cigarettes, and I was stunned when I saw one guy with some weed.
Grabbing the ring leader, Vince, I said, “Okay, so, wait, you guys can’t bring anybody else up in here. This is a study party. You know, like an unwind party, like just a few of us. This isn’t even my place. No, this ain’t going to start before it even gets started.”
Vince said, “Oh, relax, Lex.”
“Lex?” I said, looking at him like he didn’t know me that well.
“Here, take a beer. It’s just my cousin and his homies trying to set the mood right. We’re going to study. What you want to study? Five times five is twenty-five,” Vince said, showing me he was tipsy. If I couldn’t beat them, I would join them. So I took the beer, sat down, and chugged it. I just wanted all my cares to go away. I did hate school, but yet I had to be here. I had only one class, and it wasn’t like I was acing it. My mind always seemed to go to other places, and all I wanted to do was enjoy life. Why did it have to be so stressful?
I went over to the stereo, turned up the music, and just started dancing. Everybody started screaming. Life was too hard; we were just college students. If we didn’t enjoy life now, when would we ever be able to enjoy it? Pretty soon after this would come jobs, spouses, kids, and responsibilities. Even if I failed college, I was going to look wistfully back on those college days and the blast I had.
The upscale, cute apartment was starting to become a little less adorable. Pictures that had been hanging perfectly were now tilted. The walls that had been a pretty beige and gold were now filled with handprints. A few glasses that had been put neatly in the cupboard were now broken on the floor. I could clean it all up, but where was I going to find money to buy paint and replace those glasses? Well, now wasn’t the time to worry about it.
So I started screaming, “Let’s have fun—it’s a party!”
The door opened, and more people came in. I welcomed them with open arms until I was stunned to see Malloy walk through last.
She screamed, “I trusted you, Alyx! You promised me you weren’t going to have any parties at my house, and people are getting high on the stairs. What, you want the campus police to find out this is my place and I end up in jail?”
“Aw, girl, loosen up,” I said, letting the alcohol speak for me as I patted her on the back.
“Ugh, you’re drunk. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I let Torian talk me into this. And to think I wasn’t even coming home this weekend. My designer has a fashion show out of the country, and my man is away at training camp. So I’m like, let me just come home, get more acquainted with my new soror, enjoy my place. I was even thinking about asking you to live here this whole semester so I wouldn’t have to be alone, because I’m still a little afraid of all that, and what do you go do? Blow it all, ignore everything I said, and just do whatever you wanted to. You ruined my place, and if you ain’t got no money to stay nowhere, how you going to fix it up? How are you going to make this better?”
“E—everybody g—g—get out,” I said, so angry things were getting out of control.
Nobody moved, but then Malloy started screaming about the police, and her apartment was empty in less then five minutes.
“Why, Alyx? You’re a girl with so much going for you, and it’s like you’re just throwing it all away. Bea called me while I was up there and told me you stole something from a store. I just—I don’t know. Our chapter does have a reputation. We’re classy girls with high standards. We’re selective and uppity for a reason. And now you’re coming in cutting what we stand for.”
3
PRESSURE
“Okay, so what’s the big meeting about?” I said to Malloy at an emergency meeting at the Alpha chapter sorority room the next morning.
We had never finished our chat from the previous night. After the lashing she had been giving me, let’s say I was through. I had been ready to leave, but she had told me to stay in the guest room. She’d woken me forty minutes ago and told me we needed to meet with everyone else. I wasn’t crazy though—I knew she’d called her girls and snitched on me.
I had met most of the sorors from Alpha chapter during the National Convention when we’d been stuffed in the room with the National President as she’d told us our fate for the year. But there were still a few more sorors I had to meet, and it would have been nice if this had been a welcome breakfast party—you know, sorors all excited to meet the new chapter member—but the faces were all grim and stuffy. Some of them looked like they wanted to attack me.
I had no idea how they had gotten into so much trouble with the hazing. They seemed so rigid, like they had something stuck up their behinds that needed to come out so they could breathe, enjoy life, just live out loud. These girls seemed like they never broke the rules. But who were they fooling? The chapter was suspended because of their crazy actions. So no matter what they thought of me, they weren’t too different.
“Alyx, um, we need to have a serious conversation with you,” Hayden Grant, the Chapter President, said to me as people got out of the way and I had a clear aisle to the front of the room.
As I looked around, I noticed what they had done to make their place look extra special. We had a room at my old campus, but it didn’t have any of the rich history this Alpha chapter room had. The sorority had been founded in 1919—the black-and-white pictures of the five founders that adorned the wall were something special.
When I made it to the front, I wanted to tell them to chill out and have a little fun. However, I knew this was serious. So I looked at Hayden. I asked, “Yeah, what’s going on? What do you need?”
“See, it’s that attitude right there,” Loni said, obviously still salty about Ronnie.
Bea said, “It’s just a little too much for our chapter. You don’t take any of this seriously. We called you here to tell you we all have a problem with you.”
I rolled my eyes because Bea really didn’t want me to respond to that. I mean, what were they going to do—kick me out? Not. I had made a lifetime commitment. I wasn’t going anywhere. Everybody wasn’t going to like everybody all the time anyway—so what?
Hayden put up her hand like “I got this.” What—she was going to try to tell me that in a nice way? Like there was any kind of polite way to tell me they thought I was too much for their chapter. So I looked away. I wasn’t even going to give her the respect of looking her in the eye. They were all ganging up on me. There were, like, twentysomething of them in the room. Then Hayden sat down beside me.
“I know this has to sound a little crazy, and I’m sorry about that, but we do have high standards. We are Betas, for goodness’ sake, Alyx. You can’t be throwing parties where people bring drugs and stuff into one of your sorority sister’s apartments.”
I couldn’t find Malloy in the crowd, but I couldn’t wait to talk to her. Our business was our business. Why did she have to put our stuff out in the street like that? She got on me. I didn’t need her betraying our confidence about stuff.
“And Malloy didn’t tell us,” Hayden said, as if she could read my thoughts. “We all got friends in different sororities and fraternities, and everybody knew what you did. The campus police were on their way over there to bust up the place. If Malloy hadn’t sent everybody walking. . .”
“Yeah, people are going to be watching us this year,” Bea said. “I mean, you know what you did when you were with Trisha and me.”
“You liked it, and you kind of participated in it,” I said, rememberin
g her chugging the free cooler.
“Yeah, and I had regrets. Nobody wants you to go anywhere, but we do want you to chill,” Bea said.
“Think about all of us collectively. We are a group, and we are only as strong as our weakest link.”
“So don’t be weak!” someone yelled out.
“If you got something to say to me, be woman enough to come up here like Hayden and say what you got to say!” I shouted. “Most people would think it’s a little intimidating, all y’all trying to tell me something. It’s not like I’m on drugs. It’s not like I’m a drunk. It’s not like I’m bringing down the sorority.”
I heard a lot of huffs and hisses at that moment. Obviously most of them disagreed with that statement. But they did need to look in the mirror, and I was just the one to make them see they weren’t known as the prima donnas anymore.
“All right, fine,” I said, got up, and walked out, realizing that maybe I needed to look in the mirror as well.
As soon as I shut the door behind me, I laid my head on it. Alyx, what are you doing? Don’t be so much of a knucklehead that you can’t learn. The doors are closing in on you, girl. Now, I was torn.
“Do you even understand what I am saying to you, young lady?” said goofy-looking Dean Hue. It was noon, and I sat in his office at Minority Scholarships, getting a big lecture about my failing midterm grade.
Dean Hue said, “Hello? Hello? Are you even listening to me? Listen, I don’t know what’s going on in that mind of yours, young lady, but I can clearly see you’re not paying me any attention. It’s my job to keep students like you in school, but it’s your job to stay here.” He leaned in over his desk and distorted his weird face even more. “I pushed for you to be here. I spoke directly to your mother, who’s struggling back there in Texas and pleaded for me to give you an opportunity. You had only one class, one probationary class you had to come up here and excel in, and you’re failing it. Alyx, I was here with your uncle years back, and I want you to make it.”
“The semester is not over, sir,” I said, irritated that he was sweating me and trying to pull on my heartstrings by mentioning my uncle.
“I don’t need the smart lip. You’re not passing the class, and if you don’t at least get a two-point-oh from this class, I’m not going to be able to keep you. One class—turn the grade around, or you don’t need to get too comfortable. I see you applying for housing and all this other kind of financial support. Don’t even push these papers through if this is the effort you plan to keep giving. Right now you’re not holding up your end of the deal. If you’re not going to try, if you’re not going to apply yourself, maybe we just need to cut some things out now. Maybe that will give you some interest in what I have to say.”
I was still looking around. Here he was, telling me my future here was all but gone, and I had no response. A part of me was so angry at myself.
It reminded me of my father, who had died trying to provide for his family; it had broken his heart when he’d pushed my mom and me to go to the United States without him. I have thick skin; I take a lot because I have been through a lot, and it seems like people are always getting at me for something. Even in all that and through all that, I still have dreams. I have goals, and I know the only way for me to accomplish them is to keep my butt in school. But why in the world am I not trying? Why in the world does it seem like I don’t care? Because I do.
I finally murmured, “No, sir, I can do better. Please, please don’t give up on me.”
“Don’t give up on yourself. I don’t know what kind of school you think this is, but Partying 101 is not a major,” he said.
Paranoid, I said, “Who told you I’ve been partying? What, my sorority sisters been coming over here talking?”
“Nobody’s had to tell me. To get a grade like this, what else could you be doing? You have only one class. I don’t know if you go to class at all, or if you go high, drunk, or just plain nonchalant. Something is going on with you, and you’re asking me to give you another chance. You got to give me a reason why I should, because based on the way you’ve represented yourself in my office today, and your grades, I have no reason to have hope you are going to turn yourself around.”
“I got to make something of myself. My uncle’s last dying wish was for me to go to college and really make something of myself.”
“Yeah, I remember your mother telling me something like that when I spoke to her. She was brokenhearted that you had already messed up one opportunity down in Texas and she was having to send you far away just so you could go to school. She cried to me about not having money of her own to pay for school. So for your uncle, your mom, yourself, why aren’t you producing better results?”
Frustrated but respectful, I blurted, “It’s hard. School doesn’t come easy for me, all right?”
“I know it’s tough and rough and hard, but you’ve got to open up a book. Get a tutor. Do something. We will go through until the end of the semester, and we will meet here after this class is over. If you don’t have better than a C, you can’t stay. But if you dig deep down inside yourself to the part that’s talking to me now, maybe you do have a chance, Alyx Cruz. Maybe you do.”
August in Arkansas wasn’t as hot as it was in Texas, but it sure was close. Malloy’s apartment complex had a swimming pool. I laid out later that day after dipping in some of the cool water for relief. I just looked up at the sky and said, “Are You even up there? If there is some kind of God, why in the world is my life so hard? Why is it so hard for me to do well in school? I can do it, but can You make it easier on me? Can’t You take away this desire for me to want to party and have fun? I mean, not completely away, but just enough for me to focus? What am I talking about? I don’t even know if You’re really even up there.”
“There you are,” Malloy said as she rushed over to me with her cell phone in her hand.
“What? What? What’s going on?” I sighed, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Telephone for you.” She was all out of breath.
“Thanks.”
“It’s your mom.”
“Hola, Mami! ¿Cómo estás? Te extraño.”
“Te extraño también.”
“Mom, why do you sound so jumbled? What’s going on? Why can’t I hear you? Talk to me, please.”
“I’m okay, Alyx. What I am about to tell you is going to sound hard, but we are going to be okay.”
I sat straight up and held my head to brace myself. “Mom, you’re scaring me. Please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I have a brain tumor.”
“A brain tumor!” I repeated, not even realizing Malloy was looking directly in my face as she sank down and started shaking in a panic on the bench by me. She must have heard my mom’s uneasiness. Seeing her upset was even tougher to take.
I turned around the other way and whispered, “A brain tumor—no, Mom, you have headaches off and on. Everything has always been okay. You just take some BC and you’ll be fine. No, you got to go see another doctor.”
“I have seen two other doctors. They both say the exact same thing the first man said. They are giving me about six months to live.”
“Mom, no!” My hands trembled, and my heart was in free-fall.
“I know, sweetie, I know. God needs me up there. I get to see your father and my mother and my grandmother and Adam and Eve, and, oh, I can’t wait to see Eve. I got some things to talk to that girl about.”
“Mom, this is not funny! This isn’t a joke. You aren’t going anywhere for a long time. I need you here. I need you. If there was a God, He wouldn’t do something like this to you.”
“It’s actually been a blessing. I’ve been able to get my sister and her two kids over here for a temporary visa.”
“I’m coming, Mom. I’m going back to Texas.”
“No, no, I talked to that dean, the man that went out of his way to let you into the school, Alyx. You’ve got to work harder. You’ve got to try for me. If you don’t w
ant to get an education for yourself, do it for your dad. Do it for me.”
“Mom, no. Please just tell me you are trying to motivate me. You’re saying this so I’ll work hard. I’ll work hard, Mom, if you take it back. You don’t have to make this up!”
“I’m not, and I would not hurt you and say this if it weren’t true, but I need you to pray for Mommy. Pray that I can go through this transition with the same peace I feel in my heart now. Please take care of yourself. They say it can be six months, but it can be tomorrow—it could be next year. I just want you to know, Alyx, that you are precious. Not just on the outside, not just what the world sees. Please—you are gorgeous on the inside, too.”
“Mom, I got to go. I’ll call you later.”
I hung up the phone, turned over on the beach chair, and cried. I was tough, but I wasn’t that tough. Malloy touched my back.
“Your mom isn’t going to be okay, is she?”
I sat up, and we both just cried. It was amazing that she cared like that. She barely knew me, and she didn’t know my mom like that at all. I looked up to the sky again, so angry for what was going on. Malloy helped me up, but I fell to the ground. My mom not with me? This was too much.
“You can be strong, Alyx. For your mom, you have to be. Let’s go home and think this through.”
“Home—you haven’t said anything to me in two days. I know you want me out,” I said with the only ounce of strength I had.
“I want you around. If you can put up with me. We are sisters, and we need each other. We need to be able to forgive and be there for one another. Though I don’t want any partying in my place, I need to get over it and be real. I don’t want to be alone. And you are way cooler than all my other sorors,” Malloy said, making me smile. “Don’t tell them that though.”
She hugged me, and I rose. I guess there was someone up above looking out. God knew I needed Malloy’s support because without it I probably would have lost it. We made our way back to her—I mean, our—apartment. We were exhausted from the heat, emotionally tied to each other by the gripping news I’d received, and overwhelmed by all the pressure.
Act Like You Know Page 3
