Just as I gave up hope and turned to exit the building, he called out, “Alyx, come here. I got something you can do to help me, and then I’ll help you.”
“You want me to be in this play that badly?” I said as I walked back to him, knowing that was what he wanted.
“Yeah. You have an amazing talent.”
“You saw me sing that last song.”
“You didn’t know it. Let me train you. This is what I’m studying. I’m not saying I’m going to be a big Broadway director one day, but that is my dream. I know this game. I know what can move a crowd, and not only are you beautiful, but you’ve got an amazing presence that will capture an audience and really bring home the message of this play. Alyx, I think you just haven’t tapped into your passion. You wonder why you’re average in your studies and why you don’t have that excitement to keep pushing sometimes unless you got a cheerleader by your side rooting you on like I have been these last couple of months. But for you to be self-motivated—for you to be passionate, you’ve got to want it. You’ve got to dream about being something. You’ve got to have a desire to learn any and everything about it so you can succeed.”
“And you’re telling me you think acting is it?”
“I can’t say for certain,” he said, taking my hands into his sweaty palms, revealing his nervousness. “But I got a good hunch on this. I mean, you ain’t feeling nothing for anything else you’re doing. You don’t want to be a teacher; you don’t think business is it. Why not give acting a try? Why not see if this is your thing?”
When he said that, it hit something inside me, something deep, something real. Something that made me think, I don’t want to miss out on what my calling is in this world. I don’t just want a paycheck. I did not have any type of love or desire for anything special in my life careerwise. He was right—what did I have to lose?
“Okay, I’m in.”
When he threw his big, strong, warm arms around me, it felt too good. Memories of his kiss flooded my thoughts.
Breaking my trance, he said, “I got a couple more hours of practice, and I want to give you the script and introduce you to the cast. Then we’ll go study for your exams. Cool?”
“Yeah, cool,” I said as we pulled away from each other. Something in the way he looked at me gave me a tingling feeling all over. I exhaled, thinking maybe my life was finally turning around.
The next day I was studying my lines at home when I got a knock on the door. Malloy always played hostess, but she wasn’t home. So I went to the door, and there stood Sharon on the other side of the glass. Her lips were pouting, and her hand was on her hip like I owed her something. I did not have time to get into a whole bunch of drama with her. I turned around to walk back into my room. She kept ringing the doorbell annoyingly.
So, despite my better judgment, I turned back around, opened up the door, and said, “Yeah, what?”
“Oh, that’s how you greet somebody?”
“Girl, look at how you’re standing. Like you’re mad before I even say hello. Let’s not front and pretend there’s no tension between us. You’re mad I’ve got your role in the big campus play. You’re ticked about it.”
“I just can’t believe you accepted it. This is your first time. I’m a theater major. This is a big deal to me. Alyx, you could care less about this whole thing. You’re only interested because you think Cody is cute. You know he’s one of our soror’s men in the first place? Shows you don’t care anything about loyalty. Screw Penelope, screw me.”
“Wait a minute, you don’t have to talk to me all crazy,” I said to her. “I’m giving you the courtesy of listening to whatever it is you came over here to say, but you need to do it with some respect.”
“Like you respected me with my part you just snatched away?”
“I didn’t snatch anything away. I’m not the director. I’ve got no pull. As you said, this whole world is new to me, but the man has a vision of what he’s trying to do, and it’s none of your business what I think about him. Just because I’m new here, it doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about you. Remember who I live with. Weren’t you trying to take somebody else’s man yourself?”
“If you’re referring to Kade, you don’t have it right. He was my boyfriend first.”
“Whatever. From what I heard, Kade was not interested in you for the longest time, and you kept holding on to nothing. But you know what, I don’t even know why I’m going there with you.”
“Yeah, I don’t even know why I thought I could come over here and talk sense into you.”
“What, you just thought I was going to give up the part?”
“Why can’t you try to be my sister and help me get it, help me learn it, help me act it, help me understand what this whole thing is supposed to be about?”
“Sharon, if it’s about the sisterhood, and if it’s not just about you or me, why can’t we go with what the director decides?”
“Because all he’s thinking with is his pants. He’s not really looking for the one with the skills,” she said, insinuating that I had given it up to get the part. “I’ve studied theater for eight years. That’s all I’ve ever dreamed of doing and being. And here you come, some amateur. This isn’t supposed to be this way.”
“But he gave you the next biggest role. Can’t you maximize that?”
“Why don’t you take that role, if it doesn’t seem so bad, missy, huh?”
“Okay, Sharon. Please leave. Let’s agree to disagree.”
The telephone rang, and I was so excited to grab it. The last thing I wanted was to continue arguing with her. Hopefully she would see herself out, but she just stood there.
It was Pedro, my homebody from El Paso. “What’s going on?”
“Everybody here is shaken up, so they asked me to call you.” In a dismal voice, he said, “It’s not good, Alyx. It’s not good at all.”
“Why? What do you mean?” I asked, but then remembered I had no other real family in the U.S.
Malloy came in through the front door, and I could hear Sharon pleading her case. “You told her I tried to take Kade?”
“That is not even what I said,” I said to Malloy as she came my way.
I was just so frustrated, but then Pedro spoke again. “This is serious, would you listen, please?”
“I’m sorry. I’m just dealing with drama with my sorority sister.”
“It’s your mom.”
“My mom?” I gasped. Sharon and Malloy stopped fussing.
“She passed away this morning.”
“Huh?” I said as I slumped down in the nearby chair.
“I’m sorry, Alyx.”
“My mom is gone!” I cried out.
All of a sudden, being in a play didn’t matter at all. I just dropped the phone. Malloy took it and started talking to Pedro. Sharon, as distant as we were, put her arms around me, and even with the sincere comfort she was giving me, knowing that my mom had left this world meant my heart was forever broken and pierced.
10
BROKEN
At that point, I wasn’t a twenty-year-old woman anymore. Instead I was a pitiful little baby curled up in a fetal position. The only problem was I did not have a mom to cradle me and tell me it was going to be all better.
Giving credit where credit was due, I will say that Sharon and Malloy tried hard. Minutes went by, and I still kept crying. Hours went by, and the pain wouldn’t go away. Before I knew it, it was dark, and they both were still there telling me it was going to be okay. If this would’ve been my apartment, I would’ve broken something. If I’d had one more chance to be with my mom, I would have told her, “You can’t die, you got to stay alive for me.” No matter what I’d done, no matter what I didn’t do right, my mom had still cared, and she’d told me I had a purpose. Without her presence, without her love, why should I have continued to have faith?
“I’m just coming in to check on you,” Malloy said.
I looked over at the clock and saw it was eleven. I co
uldn’t say, “I’m okay.” I wasn’t, but I didn’t need her worried. She had acted better than any friend I’d ever have.
“I’m still here, too,” Sharon said, peering over Malloy’s shoulder.
“Hey, y’all, don’t sweat. I’m cool,” I lied confidently.
Sharon looked in my eyes. “You are a much better actress than I thought. We’re going to get through all this together.”
“No, no, I’m not acting. I’m serious. I’m okay,” I said, widening my eyes so they could see no tears.
“You’re not okay. You need us to get something or someone? You want the rest of the sorors? Whatever you need, you tell us, and we’re ready to do it,” Sharon said, being overly sweet.
“You know what, Malloy, can I just borrow your keys for a while? I just want to go for a drive by myself,” I said as Sharon looked at her like, “Uh, that’s not a good idea.”
Malloy looked back at me. “I can take you wherever you want to go.”
“But that’s just the point. I sort of want to be alone.”
“It’s late.”
“I just need time to think. Please? I won’t be gone long.” I could tell the two of them were hesitant. I had no idea where I was going to go. I just knew I needed to get out of this stuffy place and scream. I got up before Malloy had even said yes and put on some tennis shoes. I grabbed my Beta Gamma Pi jacket and was out.
Malloy said, “Yeah, I’m sorry, Alyx, I just don’t think this is a good idea. Let us watch over you. Stay here tonight. Take the car tomorrow.”
“Listen, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but you just asked if there was anything you could do for me—name it and you’d do it. All I want to do is take the car for a little drive, clear my head, and come back. What is the big deal? There’s no need to act like my mom, okay? My mom is gone.”
“Okay, okay, I got it. Here, here are the keys. Be careful,” Malloy said.
I couldn’t even say thank you, I was so upset. I grabbed them, got into her brand-new convertible Ford Mustang, looked in my pocket, saw that I had a twenty-dollar bill, and headed straight to the liquor store. I found my fake ID and bought a bottle.
I went to the empty parking lot at the school theater, opened up the bottle, and chugged it in the car. It was nasty, but as the warm drink hit my uneasy spirit, all of a sudden I felt calm, numb, and anything but sober. For that, I was grateful.
I had to be the biggest idiot in the world, sitting in the crowded parking lot with tons of campus police all around while the liquor bottle was in sight. But I guess consequences didn’t really matter to me at that moment. My mom was gone forever, and I felt all alone.
Then I saw Cody coming out of the theater. A girl wearing a Beta Gamma Pi jacket was with him, and though I didn’t have all my faculties, I could tell it had to be Penelope. She was all up on him. If memory served me correctly, he had told me in the theater foyer that he was done with Miss Penelope.
“Dang, why don’t y’all just get with each other right in the middle of the street?” I yelled out, but they couldn’t hear me because my windows were up, thankfully.
I drank more and more and became a basket case, watching them. I tried hard to focus on something other than Cody and Penelope, but I was all entranced, watching them carry on back and forth with each other as if they were in a soap opera.
“Can’t you see the boy doesn’t want to be bothered with you?” I yelled out again as I saw Cody walk away from Penelope.
Penelope went galloping behind him. Then, like she was some stray dog, he tried shooing her away. The problem was she wasn’t a stray. They’d had a relationship, and I could see they were on their way to reconciling.
When some of the other Betas came out of the theater and took Penelope inside, Cody got in his car to leave. This was my moment, so I cranked up Malloy’s engine.
He later pulled into his apartment complex, and before he walked inside, I raced out of Malloy’s car and snuck up behind him.
“Hey,” I said, my breath reeking.
“Hey,” he said in a startled tone as he stepped up close to his apartment door.
“It’s me, Cody. Can you let me in? I just want to talk to you. I just want to be with you, you know? Hey. I saw you with Penelope. Y’all are through. Obviously you didn’t want to be with her because you want to be with me. Well, I’m ready,” I said, falling into his arms.
He caught me. “What are you doing?”
“I just want us to have a little fun,” I said as I went straight to rubbing his waist.
“Okay, what’s going on? Alyx, this isn’t like you.”
“Why do you care?” I huffed, giving him a big whiff.
“Okay, you need to come in right now because obviously you’ve been drinking.”
“So what—I’ve been drinking. So what—I’ve been having a little fun. I feel good, and I’m trying to make you feel that way, okay?” I said as I wobbled into his place.
It was a cozy one-bedroom loft. Not new, not completely neat, but not a total mess either. I looked around and scouted out his bedroom.
“Okay, so I’m going to go in here and get undressed,” I said as I lifted my shirt.
“Wait, no, no, no, no, no. You just sit here while I make you some coffee.”
“What? You don’t want to get with this?” I said, pointing to myself.
“What I want you to do is tell me what’s wrong. I’m going to jump in the shower real quick because I’m sweaty from the theater party, and then we can talk, okay?”
I leaped into his arms and placed my lips on his.
“What are you doing?” he said as he shoved me back. “Let’s talk, okay?”
“Fine, go take your little shower then,” I uttered in a ticked-off tone.
“It’ll be just one second. I’m going to brew this coffee as soon as I get out. You drink my strong brew, and we can talk.”
I looked away, and as soon as he went into the bathroom, I grabbed Malloy’s keys and was gone. Though he had not kicked me out, it felt like he had kicked me in the gut. I couldn’t take any more letdowns, and my buzz was wearing off. So as soon as I got in the ride, I drank whatever was left of the liquor, hoping once again it would make me feel better.
I couldn’t get out of the parking lot fast enough when I saw Cody standing at his door in a towel, drenched, trying to tell me to stop. What was the big deal? I knew how to drink and drive, though I didn’t have a car of my own. I wasn’t that out of it—just needed a little something to take the edge off all the pain I was feeling.
Thinking about my mom and knowing I would never see her again was just more than I could take. And when the bottle fell out of my lap, like an idiot, I reached down, forgetting I was on the highway, and zigzagged, running another car off the road.
My heart raced, I was scared so bad seeing the bright lights coming toward me. Though I felt as though I didn’t want to live, the last thing I wanted to do was take someone else’s life. What was I doing? What was I thinking? Why was my life such a mess? Quickly I got out of my car and ran over to the car I had made swerve. I clutched my heart when I saw a lady with a baby in the backseat. I just fell to the ground.
“Oh, God, what did I do? Oh, no, God, help!” I cried after seeing the airbag, fully engaged, and the baby crying at the top of its lungs.
Frantically I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I just kept trying, praying it would open. Nothing was right.
“Say something! Say something!” I banged on the window. The lady’s eyes opened, and I was relieved. She unlocked the door, and I opened it.
“My baby,” she said in a weak voice.
“The baby’s crying. The baby’s okay,” I said.
“Oh, my God, you were drinking. You could have killed me and my baby. Oh, my gosh,” the lady accused when she smelled my breath.
I couldn’t stop her tears, and I couldn’t stop them from my eyes either. It was an absolute mess, and then red and blue lights started flashing—two sets o
f them. And before I knew it, I was breathing into a bag and trying to walk a straight line.
“Take me to jail. I don’t deserve to live. I could have killed a baby,” I said, obviously really out of it as the stars were spinning around me. “Why didn’t you want me?” I said to the police officer. He looked like Cody.
“Ma’am, I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m an officer of the law, and I’m placing you under arrest for driving under the influence.”
I shook my head and then clearly saw that the white gentleman was not Cody at all. The lady I had almost hit was screaming. She was very angry.
When the officer stepped away to talk to the ambulance driver, I went over to her and said, “You know, my mom died tonight, and I am so sorry for this. I hate myself for endangering you.”
As I started crying I noticed Cody’s car was pulling up. He came running out straight toward me. How could I face him after all I’d done?
“What’s going on, Alyx? You all right?”
“Sir, you have to step back. I’m taking her in for a DUI. She almost hit a woman with a baby in the car this evening. If she doesn’t have an attorney, I suggest you get one for her or get her bail.”
“I’m sorry,” Cody said to me. “I called your roommate to see if you went home. She told me everything about your mom.”
I just looked up at the sky with tears streaming down my face. It wasn’t Cody’s fault. He’d tried to give me coffee to settle me down. It wasn’t the officers’ fault. They were just doing their jobs. They had no choice but to take me in for breaking the law. It wasn’t Malloy’s fault. She’d just been trying to appease me and allow me to get some air. It was my fault, and mine alone. I was so confused and hurt. As I got into the police car, with no mom and no freedom, I’d never been more broken.
11
GESTURE
“You go to Western Smith, girl? What you do to get locked up in jail?” asked some lady I was sharing a jail cell with.
Act Like You Know Page 8
