“Tell us the secret!” Bea shouted out, moving closer to me.
“Yeah, can you give us any pointers?” said Dena, a Beta who was about to graduate. She admitted she had never had a serious relationship—ever.
I had to sit back in my chair and really think about what they were asking me because if I was truly honest and told them how I felt, I would upset everybody. However, they were doing lots of things wrong when it came to trying to land a man or two.
Malloy knew me. She nudged me. “Go ahead. They’re asking—tell them. Give them the scoop.”
“All right, I’m not trying to hurt anybody’s feelings, and I’m not at all saying I’m an expert, but there are certain things a girl should do when she’s trying to attract a man.”
Dena said, “Act like she doesn’t want to be with them?”
“Exactly—can’t be too available. Every man wants mystery and intrigue, and when I watched you guys at the party, y’all were looking around, scoping out which ones you were going to go up to. Sometimes you got to ignore them. Have a good time on your own, and the next thing you know they’ll be looking at you like, ‘Dang, can we do something,’ and you’ll be looking at them like, ‘Hmmm, I’m not sure,’ and that just makes them want you more.”
“But that’s what I was doing,” Torian said. “I was over with Malloy having a good time.”
“Well, that’s the other extreme of it. It’s great to be in a sorority and hang with your girls, but when you’re looking for men, you can’t be so clustered together all night that they feel intimidated to come talk to you and your crowd. I didn’t get any guys wanting to hang out with me until I stepped away from y’all and danced all crazy and fun on my own. Then the hunks were able to get around me with no barriers. Nobody had to feel like they had to get through the gatekeepers or friends or sorors and stuff. Bottom line is: just be you. When you’re a little interested, don’t be closed off, but, dang, don’t be all up in their face following them and stuff. Be warm and friendly but not aggressive and desperate. We’re Betas, so we got it going on. Now we just need to act like we’re the bomb, you know?”
They all nodded. We had a blast the rest of the night. And I did more individual counseling offline.
Cody was giving me a ride to dinner after play practice. I knew I’d sort of been letting him down; I didn’t really know my lines. As hard as I was trying to learn them, the memorization stuff just wasn’t coming naturally to me. I’d have it for a little while, but the retention was the real problem.
To add to my issues, I heard all the whispers, people second-guessing Cody’s decision to put me in the lead role. The ride he was giving me wasn’t just a ride to dinner and then home. I knew it was lecture time.
Finally he said, “So, Alyx, this is your opportunity. Something I know you don’t want to blow.”
Frustrated, I said, “What do you mean? How do you know I don’t want to blow it? You’re the one who thinks I have real talent at this. I never said I wanted to be an actress.”
“I guess I’m just saying, Alyx, that I don’t even know if you’re really giving it your whole heart. How can you find out if this is or isn’t something you want to do if you’re not taking it truly seriously? You don’t even need me for tutoring anymore because you now have the fundamentals down on how to study, to dissect what the teachers are telling you in class, and to absolutely soar past the information needed and take in even more. You are blowing tests and papers and stuff out the water.”
We pulled over to a fast-food restaurant, and he turned off the car, looked at me, and said, “Before I get you something to eat, I just want to ask why you aren’t giving me your all?”
His eyes were so serious and so mesmerizing. He’d been there for me in so many different ways. I didn’t want to let him down, but for some reason I wasn’t feeling this whole thing, and I couldn’t explain it.
“You can get somebody else if you need to,” I said, really meaning it. “The last thing I want to do is hinder your play. When my cohort, Charles, says his lines, a part of me wants to laugh. I don’t even believe him. If you call what he’s doing good acting, then I don’t know, it—it just doesn’t seem authentic. His big lips, his big ears—he’s sort of drooling—how’d he get the lead in the first place? I came in after that whole part, remember?”
“Okay, so you’re saying the brother ain’t handsome, not sharp enough, not debonair enough, right? Well, imagine somebody else standing there. Who do you think is fine?” Cody said in a husky, sexy voice and leaned in closer to me.
“I think you’re fine,” I said to him as I moved nearer to the man who made my chest swell.
He smirked. “See, now you’re playing with me.”
“What do you mean I’m playing with you? You asked me a question, and I answered it. I think you’re fine.”
“So you’re going to imagine me up there on the stage singing all those words in the love scene. When it’s time to kiss him, you’re going to pretend like you’re kissing me? Can it feel like this?” he said as he bent forward and placed his smooth lips on mine.
My heart started racing as my mouth started moving. The physical connection of our touch made me hot. So hot that I abruptly pulled back.
“What are we doing? We can’t go down this road again.”
“Why can’t we? Why can’t you be my girl? Why can’t we have something real? Then you’d imagine I’m the one up there with you on that stage when it was time to act. Your part of it won’t be an act. You can really show onstage how your heart beats for your guy. Me,” he said as he playfully hit his chest two times.
Oh, what he was saying sounded so tempting, to take our relationship to a level where he’d be there for me not as a tutor, not as a director, but as a man, as a boyfriend, as someone who deeply cared for me and had no problem letting the world know it. Though all that sounded fine and good, and a lot of my sorors would have killed to have a man ask them that, I had to say no. I opened the car door and got out.
He opened up his side, slammed it, and dashed in front of me. “Wait, wait, what do you mean, no? I’m feeling something here. I know I’m not making this up in my head. This is real, girl. Come on, Alyx. Why you pulling away?”
I tried to walk around him to the left, but he blocked my way. When I tried to push him back, he used his strength to keep still. I had just been coming into my own understanding that it was okay to be alone and not really lean on or depend on anyone. My mom was gone, but I had a part of her with me. She was helping me build my own self up. To cast all that aside and need a guy or have one as a crutch wasn’t cool. I needed to be secure with myself before I gave my heart away, but this dude wasn’t taking no for an answer. I sighed, feeling bombarded.
14
GRIND
Cody just stared at me with a serious look of disgust. He turned and headed back to his car. I guess getting me something to eat was out of the question, now that I had rejected him.
He drove me to my place in silence. I could tell he was really disappointed in me. I’m sure he didn’t want me to say yes out of pity, but he was not a happy camper.
Trying as hard as I could not to get frustrated, I said, “Listen, if you want me not to be a part of the play, I completely understand. If that’s your decision, you are not going to hurt my feelings.”
“It’s not that easy,” he finally explained. “We have an understudy, but that person is in another role, and when you focus, she isn’t as good as you. Besides, what I wanted us to have personally doesn’t have anything to do with our professional relationship.”
“Well, I mean, you’re not even saying anything to me. You knew I was hungry, and we’re not even getting anything to eat. You’re just mad, upset, driving all crazy. You can’t separate the two. It’s clear we can’t be friends.”
“Can’t I take it all in? Can’t I deal with what you just told me? Truthfully, Alyx, you hurt me, and you want me to act like I haven’t been hurt at all. Come on, girl, tha
t’s not even realistic. A brother can have feelings. I forgot all about getting you something to eat, actually, but look—you’re at your apartment now. I’m sure there’s something in there you can fix,” he said haphazardly, like my feelings didn’t matter.
I didn’t know how to respond to him after that. Anything I said would probably be the wrong thing. I wasn’t trying to be insensitive; I certainly did care. However long it would take him to deal with this, I was going to have to be okay with the fact that our relationship was going to be drained.
Actually, I knew, deep down inside, truth be told, that I was just as mad at myself for not being able to embrace the thought of a relationship with him. What more could any girl want? He was intelligent, gorgeous, dependable, caring, motivated, and inspiring. I wasn’t saying I’d ever seen a tear in his eye or anything, but he was sensitive. Without saying good-bye, I got out of the car, and he quickly drove away, almost without me even shutting the door.
Malloy was coming out of our house at the same time. “Dang, what’s up with the two of you guys? Somebody didn’t seem too happy.”
“Don’t even ask,” I huffed. “Please tell me you’re going to get something to eat.”
“Yeah, you want to roll?”
“Yes, I’m starving.”
My mom had thankfully taken care of business and left me a little money. The state of Texas would have to pay me her social security for the next two years. Just to be able to get a hamburger and fries was a blessing.
As I chomped on my sandwich, Malloy said, “So, what do we need to discuss here? I can clearly see you need to chat. You’re looking all gloomy. Y’all broke it off.”
“I mean, we were never going together,” I said in frustration.
“Okay, okay, excuse me. Obviously you’re upset. If you want to talk about it, I’m—”
“Well, I’m just saying,” I interrupted, “that I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I really, really, really like him. He wants to be my boyfriend, and I told him no.”
“Okay, that was really smart,” she said sarcastically.
“This isn’t funny. Be serious, Malloy.”
“Girl, I know it’s not funny. If you like him, why’d you tell him no?”
“I don’t know. I thought it was because I needed time to appreciate me, but I think when I get down to it and I really look at what’s going on, I don’t want to depend on him. What if I add him to my world and then he leaves? How realistic is it that we’ll end up together? Seriously, I can see myself falling hard, and then what will I be left with when he finally wakes up and realizes I’m the last person who deserves to be in his life? I just can’t get pushed aside after having invested so much. So before we can possibly get to that point, subconsciously I guess I squashed it.”
Malloy looked at me like “Uh, that wasn’t really smart,” and I just hung my head low in agreement. My girl stroked my back. There was nothing she could say to lift me up, but her being there to understand felt great.
It was Valentine’s weekend, and I was alone. I talked to Ambrosia, and even she was going to the Sadie Hawkins dance at her school with a new guy who liked her now that she was holding herself in high esteem. It was funny how I could give tons of advice to my little mentee and my sorors, but I had absolutely no advice for myself. I already knew I couldn’t just sit there and sulk all night. Malloy was in New York visiting Kade. Why she had been so kind and left me the keys to her car after I’d taken her through so much, and had no license, I couldn’t even begin to understand. She was just a friend and a great sister. She had a lot, and she gave a lot. I didn’t want to let her down, but I needed to clear my head, get out of our place, and do something. I was intending to be very careful.
I ended up driving ten miles out of our city to a college club that was jam-packed. I had started drinking when I was in high school because it had soothed me and made me forget worries and troubles. I knew I shouldn’t drink after that accident I’d had, but I just couldn’t stay away from the club. I was trying to find a way to enjoy myself. I needed to find a way to hang out with me. A girl who had isolated lots of women until I had joined a sorority, I’d never had a ton of friends. And because boys were intimidated sometimes to approach me, I was very much often alone. Hitting a bar was my way of reverting back to my old comfort zone for solace.
When I got inside, I was very surprised and excited. I didn’t see anyone I knew. No Betas, no Western Smith familiar faces, just a bunch of locals in there trying to have a good time. But then, darnit, I heard a lot of commotion over in the corner, and someone screamed my name. If I could have hid in a back closet, I would have.
“You ain’t twenty-one!” he yelled.
What fool is that? I thought, hating that I was being called out.
Reluctantly I turned to face him and was shocked to see it was Ronnie—Loni’s Ronnie. He put his hands all over my shirt and started feeling my chest. I slapped his hands and pushed him away. He lost his balance and fell to the floor. Seeing that he didn’t have all his faculties, I then felt bad. I helped him up because I could clearly see he was drunk as a skunk.
“I got—I—I—I got curfew,” he stuttered. “Currrfew—few. Need help—help me hooomie.”
I wanted to say, “You knew you had curfew before you chugged down whatever has got your breath reeking, but you didn’t care then. Why care now? And how did you get here in the first place?” But because the boy was barely cognizant, there was no sense being rational.
When fly music came on, he grabbed my arm and pulled me to the dance floor. He was double my height and weight and therefore easily pulled me to him. The nut started doing crazy sexual movements with his hips. I took my knee and kicked him in the thigh.
“Step back. Where’s Loni anyway?”
“Loni who?” He laughed and accidentally spit in my face, “Oh, it’s curfew time. My boys just left me. They left with two girls to try to get them a little piece. How are they just going to leave me here?” His words dragged just like his walk.
“I don’t know, but I got to leave. I’m sure they will remember and come back to get you.” I patted him on the back and wondered what in the world I had ever seen in him.
“No, no, take me with you. I got money for gas, for food, for drinks. Let’s have a party.” He lifted a ton of tens from his sagging pants and threw them in the air before I could stop him. The greedy locals quickly grabbed the loot.
“You are crazy. Okay, I’ll take you home,” I said when I realized he was alone. “You stay in the dorm, right?”
“Riiight, the dorm, athletes—that’s me,” he said.
I couldn’t believe I had to help him get out to the car. Then I had to help him up two flights of stairs, take the key out his pocket, and get his butt in bed. I wasn’t taking off any of his clothes, and I didn’t care if he’d made his curfew or not. I just wanted him to get home in one piece. And as soon as that mission was accomplished, I jetted almost as fast as a jet flying over my head in the sky.
Caught up with helping Ronnie out, I had never even had time to think about how Loni would react. I thought she would have been happy because I was making sure her beau was safe. However, the next day I answered a ringing phone, and suddenly Torian was going off on me.
“How dare you get with Loni’s man? That’s just so unsisterly. She’s your girl, and you going to do her any kind of way. Why would you—”
“What are you talking about?” I finally cut her off. “I can’t even believe you going to front on me like that when you don’t even know any facts.”
“I know tons of facts. It’s all around campus that you were with Ronnie last night.”
“Of course I was with Ronnie. His drunk behind wouldn’t have gotten home if it weren’t for me.”
“You were in his room. People saw his arm around you when you were going into his room, you coming out of there with your clothes all messed up. And he told a whole bunch of people he got it okay.”
“He said wh
at?” I hollered, wanting to ring his neck right then and there.
“I didn’t stutter—you heard me, Alyx. And what’s so bad about all this is that we have pushed way past all this stuff from the beginning of the year. You knew she liked the boy from when I messed things up and I let him come see you at our place.”
“They were broken up then. Plus, I didn’t even know they were an item.”
“Well, they’re together now, and you still got with him. Let me just say that’s really tacky. Where’s the sisterhood in that?”
“Well,” I overemphasized, “where’s the sisterhood in you at least giving me a chance to explain and allowing me to tell you that’s not the way it went down? You just taking his word as foul? Heck, he was drunk. He doesn’t remember what he was doing and where he even was last night.”
In a sweeter tone, Torian said, “So you saying you didn’t get with him?”
“Duh, I can’t even believe you going to ask me again like you didn’t hear me the first time,” I said, ticked I was in the hot seat for no reason. “You know what? Where is Loni? Put her on the phone.”
“She’s on campus. She called me from there. People are talking about it. She was crying and all upset. Our sorors who were on the yard when this went down are mad at you, too.”
“Well, heck, last time I checked, a person was innocent until proven guilty.”
“Point taken. Are you going to class?”
“Yeah, I’m headed there now. Tell me exactly where Ronnie and Loni are because I need to see his butt and set this straight.”
“Oh, girl, then I’m right with you. I’ll meet you on the square in ten minutes.”
Walking faster to class than I ever had before, I got to the square in eight minutes. I didn’t see Loni anywhere, but tall Ronnie sure stood out. He had a few people listening to him mack about this and that. I couldn’t believe it. Brother was either that drunk and delusional or he was just that big of a liar. Either way, there was no way I was going to let him even remotely think he could spread rumors about me. I went over—didn’t say a word—and just took my knee and jabbed him again in his thigh. Hard as I could this time.
Act Like You Know Page 11
