by Janice Ross
“Clear your head? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I gave you that much when I went to talk with the wedding planner. Oh, and by the way, I owned that money-hungry bitch.” She was pleased with herself and paused for effect, or maybe to give me an opportunity to praise her mean-girl personality.
Her bottom lip trembled. A part of my brain begged me to reach out for her, to touch her. That was only a small part of me. The rest of me, I’m talking every morsel of my being beyond the sliver that now felt sorry after her insults, lost focus.
“Lucas,” she cried out. The tears rushed down her cheeks like waterfalls.
“Erika, don’t.” I let my head flop down. “If I could make this right, I would.” If only I could convince myself that what had just happened with Shayna was a mistake, and tell Erika I was sorry for falling for someone less attractive than her. But I couldn’t. Hell, I didn’t want that. Besides, it wasn’t the right thing to do.
Her fingers passed across my line of vision. She gripped my chin and redirected me to her. I saw sad eyes. She had the look. Erika was the girl every guy craved. Her lashes were naturally long, even underneath the dusky lighting of the evening sky, I considered how alluring they were. I admired her fierce spirit.
“Lucas,” she gasped. Her right hand slapped at the skin under her tank, right on the left side above her heart.
Whenever she was unsure of something, her mouth would shift to the right as she’d try to nibble on her lips. A small line, similar to a crease, would then form. During those times, she’d develop a far-off look. She always seemed most vulnerable in that state of mind. Every other time, Erika would float through the world as if a red carpet was laid out in her path.
“Lucas, are you serious? I’m about ready to cry my eyes out, and you’re being an asshole. Do you know how many men would love to be in my life?” Her words grew in depth, increasing until she ended the sentence with a loud exhale.
“Then go find one because I need a moment. Honestly that wasn’t a request!” My voice boomed. I would never intentionally try to bring bullshit to anyone’s life, yet all of a sudden life took on a new direction.
We stood facing one another, drawn to the darkness for how this night was shaping up. Cars drove by on a street that was no more than ten feet away. Families in surrounding houses chatted, going about their business as if no one’s world hung in the balance. But it did.
“Tell me,” Erika’s words began softly. She took a step forward to press her forehead against my shoulder.
“Tell you?”
“You said I could stay as long as I needed to.”
“Yeah, I meant it. What kind of man do you think I am?”
“You’re one of the good ones, but just don’t . . .”
“Don’t what?”
I inhaled the peppermint scent of her tresses. My arms flexed. I wanted to comfort her. Erika should’ve been a priority right then, though my mind still raced with images of Shayna. A door had opened this evening in the basement, one that had likely been swelling and bound to burst eventually. And right there, as I fought this new breed of demons, I had no choice but to own up to the fact: I was madly in love with Shayna Davies.
“Promise me you won’t,” she cried.
“Won’t what, Erika?” Kinda took all of me to not show how annoyed I really was.
“Mess with that girl.” She shivered and cupped her hands in front of her face.
“What the f . . . Erika, I gotta go.” I pulled away. “I'm sorry.”
I flew out of the door and breezed through the yard on the way to my truck. The truck that should’ve still been in the shop. This lie was supposed to give me time with Shayna, just to talk and be near, since everything had seemed to force her away recently.
A few seconds later, and I was pulling away from the curb. Shayna was a beacon, calling me to her. Her spark was a hope at the center of a dark world, rejuvenation for a man that had once been lost in the world. Yes, Erika was once that future. But Shayna had accepted my friendship long before. When neither of us had actually given in knowingly, deep down inside, our souls had connected for the long haul.
If only I hadn’t made that horrible mistake several months ago.
“Let me make it official.” In saying those words one night after I’d seen Shayna out on a date, I realized that I couldn’t bring myself to believe in the phrase marrying someone. But I was with Erika. Over the years, I’d continued to hope. No. All hope was gone. I had to deal with what was here, in front of me, and real. I didn’t want to be a husband outside of taking care of Erika; didn’t want to have a wife. Maybe someday I might’ve gotten desperate enough. These were things I wasn’t ready for. My mind, my will, and my nature as a man made me believe I should never cry over any woman. But I’d become broken over Shayna Davies.
~
“First, I need to tell you something.” Erika nibbled the tip of my ear. Her elbows were pressed down on my chest and collarbone. I opened my eyes to the brightest stare to greet me in the longest time.
“What could you possibly have to tell me?” I didn’t expect some radical confession or any kind of bull. The talking helped keep my mind off Shayna. It’s not that she was gone completely, just enough for me to relax.
“Promise you’ll listen to me before you go off.” She sucked in the inner part of her lower lip, while the bright, wide-eyed girl sank away from me.
I glanced at my clothes, tossed over by an empty chair next to the windows. Getting dressed seemed like the right thing to do before she went “all deep confession” on me, but the way she cowered made me think twice. So, I tipped my head forward, giving her the go-ahead to say whatever she needed to.
“I think Tony’s gonna come for me.” Her eyes teared up. She sat up straight in the middle of the bed.
“Tony, your ex? Now, after all this time?” I was willing to let things die there. She didn’t owe me a damn thing, especially an explanation over her crazy ex.
“You don’t understand. He’s not all there.”
To help her get over the drama of speaking about someone I didn’t give a damn about, I drew her hands to my lips. She froze.
“What are you telling me this for?”
“He’s a psycho. You might’ve kicked his ass, but he’s not one to quit.”
Figures I’d chosen someone with issues like that. “I’m so confused because your fricken ex, who you shouldn’t have shit to do with, is now a part of our conversation.”
“I tried to talk him down. Lucas, I’m scared.” For someone that had just proved to be emotionally detached, specifically when I had made an effort to provide some type of comfort, she confused the hell out of me. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”
This was unreal. I actually allowed myself to do something totally out of character, and wham—I end up with a situation, to say the least.
Before I knew it, Erika became my problem. Not concern, but huge problem. Now the initial problem was becoming a problem again.
“Apparently, my mother has been trying to track me down.”
Mother?
I didn’t speak but am sure she saw my shock. This girl swore she had no one, much like me. She went on to tell me about family members that were close with Tony, and how deep their connections were.
“I know it’ll be weird, but I need to get back in touch with my people, especially now that we’ll be making things official.”
All I could think was what the hell did I just put myself in? Why didn’t she say something before and why didn’t I keep things as they were?
I blamed it on one person; not Erika.
Shayna Fricken Davies . . .
—————
SHAYNA
MY ESCAPE TO the place Lucas had helped me turn into a home didn’t fully register until I pulled into the driveway. When I’d pulled off, I wasn’t entirely sure of my direction. I only needed to put distance behind me, not just between us. I needed Lucas to be a fading memory, not a lingering
desire.
My fingers gripped at the wheel. They ached as much as my heart. The world felt stifling, my mind got fuzzy. The car that I loved so very much became unbearable, with the space contracting from every angle. Yet deep within, I felt empty, unsure to a large degree. Looking up to the moonlight that now surrounded my split-level house, I suddenly felt all alone. It hadn’t ever been a problem before now, however.
Behind the door of the fixer-upper I’d purchased with the help of Lucas, the memories lived forever. He’d fronted the funds for me to buy the foreclosed home he'd already purchased. We’d worked to make it a suitable home, together. Not since Florida had I relied on a guy this way. This was so not Florida though. How could I not have known then that I’d fallen in love with Lucas? That he had become an extension of me? We operated as one unit, one body, one heart—
BEEP.
A car horn knocked me from my thoughts. I quickly swiped at my eyes. My shoulders slumped forward and head briefly dipped to the wheel. I clenched my fingers, breathing slowly and steadily. A couple beads of sweat lingered across my forehead. I didn’t immediately see anyone, until a second later wide lights rolled the short distance up my driveway to stop behind the Jetta. Very few people visited me. There was no doubt as swift, heavy footsteps drew near.
With each, I counted the echoes of my heartbeat in an attempt to slow the raging pace. I lowered my head, still not removing my hands from their clawed grip on the wheel. My breathing grew wilder for each second of anticipation. When a shadowed figure appeared at the driver’s side window, I moved my head slowly from one side to the next. There was no need to look up to confirm who it was. In fact, his electric force raced straight through the thick driver's side window.
“Shay, open up.” Lucas’s hand connected with the glass. The entire car shivered, reflecting the way my insides felt: frail. “I’m not going anywhere. Open up.”
He had this ability to remain calm, even when others would lose their shit over things. Nothing fazed him. He’d repeatedly drop hints of his past, but nothing I could piece together.
Yeah, each year this changed. I always listened, never offered much. My past had been buried away when I’d left Florida for Delaware, of all places. My woes had to be forgotten. But quite often, I’d see the far-off look in his eyes. He sometimes wore the aura of someone that had been kicked, stomped, and taken down to nothing. I studied for this purpose, to sense these things as a therapist.
Lucas stopped moving around. He waited for me to respond. Every conversation, every look, every type of exchange flashed through my mind. He was inside my psyche, coursing through the very soul of who I’d become in this life. He wasn’t the type of man to do this sort of thing; not giving in and unraveling. I knew the type from a long time ago—just about five years.
“I need you, Shayna. Damn, baby! Let me in. No one else knows me like you.” Outside of the few friends who’d ridden the dark world with him, I was the only person he’d truly invited into his life—not even Erika had been allowed so deep.
My limbs turned to putty. I got weak for him, but I was too stubborn to give in without at least trying, right?
“Shayna, if life has taught me anything, it’s been to take hold of opportunities.”
“Leave me alone, Lucas. Go to . . .” I stopped mid-sentence only to begin again, this time whispering, “Go to Erika.” This was the first time I’d allowed her name to pass my lips. My stomach rattled and turned. “You guys need to resolve your issues.”
“You know it’s over with her. Baby, I’m in love with you.”
His confession scared me. Love wasn’t something I embraced because it could be a danger to the soul, even as it crushed the heart. I tried to keep my head forward; in fact, I remained still with my head tilted downward and hands still clutching at the wheel. Teardrops blurred my vision as they tumbled down one after the other.
“Please leave, Lucas,” I mumbled in a coarse tone which scratched at my vocal cords.
“I can’t,” he replied, placing his palms against my car window. For all the strength he’d always shown, Lucas couldn’t hide his emotions this once. “I love you more than anything, more than anyone, I swear. Open up. Let me prove it. Open up, Shay.” He continued on in this way, while the tears kept soaking up my face and tee shirt.
“You can’t do this to me, Lucas,” I murmured. Every inch of me shivered.
I lost count of how often or how many pleas he made. But he must’ve known that he had me. His declarations expanded my mind and sped up my heart. Not only had I fallen for an incredible guy, I’d apparently captured his heart over the years. And now, he was totally mesmerizing me with his words.
“Stop fighting us!”
I tossed my head from side to side.
“Don’t block me out. Me and you . . . we have to see this through.”
Tiny sobs slipped from my lips. I tried to hide the noise. It was useless. I gripped the steering wheel and quickly let it go. My focus turned to the door; the only thing separating us. Yeah, that along with my stubborn resolve. I reached over to unlock the door. My fingers trembled as they traveled slowly, steadily. Taking one final breath, I set aside my guard and surrendered.
“It’s hard to say no to you,” I cried.
Lucas fell on his knees. His head fell into my lap. He wrapped his arms around my waist, squeezing as if he’d never let go. I melted against him. This was our place to be in the universe; meant for pure, perfect love.
Under different circumstances and with anyone else, he would’ve held back. And at any other time, I would’ve refused to give in. Perhaps, just perhaps, if the universe had lined up this opportunity for Lucas and me with anyone else, there would’ve been glitches. This sort of passion was meant to be: meant to be expressed, meant to be cultivated.
Yet here we were, the center of each other’s worlds and finally willing to give in to a love that had been brewing for so long.
—————
SHAYNA
LUCAS LIFTED ME off of the seat without a struggle. I didn’t fade into him. Not yet. Things like this couldn’t be good for me, could they? My story wasn’t meant to end with me getting the guy, right?
I was tense, nervous.
“Breathe,” he said. Funny thing was, I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath.
“Lucas,” I cried out, flipping back my head. His arms were wrapped beneath me, so when he pulled tighter and gripped closer, the passion intensified. I burst out into heavy sobs. He maneuvered around the car only to kick the door shut as he hustled up my steps. Once inside, he stopped in the foyer. The entire house was dark and chilly.
“I need to see you,” he demanded.
He put me down, then turned my body away. His hands reached to a familiar area, just inside the entrance. The lights flooded the passageway, extending further into the home in an eerie type of way. My cries had subsided, though the reflection from the mirror showed streak marks from my lashes. We breathed heavily, erratic.
I slowly ran my fingers across his face. I tipped up onto my toes, and drew his mouth down to mine. His tongue slid between my lips, only to dive deeper in. I sucked, enjoying the force of his thrusts. He was capable of digging deep enough to make the neglected regions of my body quiver. Life could’ve ended right then, and it would’ve been the perfect death in the arms of a man I adored. I was ready to say yes to everything Lucas would ever want, no matter the cost.
“Lucas . . . Lucas.”
“Shay,” he replied. “Awww damn.”
We worshipped each other, this new love that should have always been. Damn, he should’ve always been mine. I should’ve always been his.
We explored each other. With our lips, we tasted the forbidden fruit. With our hearts, we said yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Lucas reached behind me. He lifted me up to his waist just before dropping to his knees, in the middle of the foyer. While his left hand balanced my slender frame, his fingers moved
through my now messy hair, across my jawline, and down my neck to stop at my breasts. His mouth then followed the trail to find my mounds, reaching just in time to take in the left-side nipple between his teeth.
“Are you clean?” I asked, suddenly remembering his situation. “I am.”
“Yeah, it’s somewhat complex with-with—”
I shook my head no. Neither of us moved or tried to smooth over the elephant in the room. Then he lowered his forehead onto my skin. His breath tickled me, stirring my core and pushing me to the edge of reasoning. He placed gentle, moist kisses on my neck and shoulders.
He chewed and kissed me some more.
I savored his touch.
“Ahhh . . .” I wiggled around, intimidated by the skill he used to claim me. My nipples had grown stiff and a flush of moisture stirred between my legs. He was capable of pulling out things that I couldn’t control; they must’ve been buried deep down within my soul.
“Let me love you, Shay.” He nibbled on my stomach, around my navel and continued to drift lower. “Let me in,” he mumbled, pulling away just enough to allow the words to vibrate up.
“Lucas . . .” I called out kind of breathy. “I love you.”
His head lifted just enough for him to catch my gaze. There was a hint, a shine radiating from his pupils. “Let me show you how much I love you.”
“What about—”
“I swear, Shay, there’s no one else and nothing else.” As he assured me, he started lowering my body to the light peach linoleum tile. “It’s me and you here on out.”
He didn’t wait for a reply. Lucas shredded my top and placed a multitude of kisses down my stomach. I encased his head between my palms.
“Don’t ever let go, Lucas. Promise me. Promise.”
Waves of emotions shot throughout every inch of me when, in a frenzy, Lucas lowered my jeans. Although his hands pushed down the material, his mouth massaged my triangular treasure. He tickled at my clit before feasting on my wetness with a spiteful passion that called out everything that should have been his all along. He attacked me in beast-like resolve. I wanted to give it all with no regard for anything else. I forced my hips forward only to pull him in deeper.
