by Bloom, Nikki
Damn. She looked good. Really good.
How long has it been? Five years.
Oh, how things had changed. Now, I just needed to prove that to her – that I wasn’t the asshole I used to be.
There was a sour look on her face as she grabbed a pen. She clicked it against her thumb. “Here. Fill out this form and then I’ll put it into our system.” She did everything she could to avoid making eye contact with me.
So, I busied myself with the form while occasionally glancing her way. I couldn’t get over how beautiful she had become. I constantly kicked myself for ruining my chances all those years ago, but you see, I don’t take rejection very well.
Abruptly, she broke the silence. “How’s Candi?” She said the name as if it was enough to make her sick. “I’m sure the two of you are super happy together. I wouldn’t be surprised if you bought a house by the water–” She was going to keep rambling, but I stopped her with a wave of my hand.
“Autumn. Stop. Nothing happened between us, I swear.”
She scoffed. “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
“Look, I know what I did wasn’t right…”
“You’re a goddamn asshole, Leo, and you know it,” she growled. “Now, fill out your stupid form so I can stop talking to you.”
I wasn’t going to point out that she was the one who’d started it. I knew when to pick my battles and when not to. This was one of those times.
When I was finished with my application, I handed it over.
She snatched it out of my hand and punched it into the computer and when I say punched – I mean it literally. I swear it sounded like she was going to snap the keyboard in two. “Um… so I’ll just leave you to it then.” She didn’t bother to answer me.
I strategically picked out a treadmill where I could still keep an eye on her while I ran. Her cheeks were flushed and I’ll admit, it added to her beauty. She wasn’t one for makeup and that’s what I liked – a natural beauty.
Now, all I had to do was accomplish the herculean task of convincing her that five years ago had been a mistake – that I’d never meant to hurt her the way I did.
She moved to the printer and stapled a couple of sheets together. Somehow, she even managed to make something so secretarial look elegant.
“Do you know her or something?” Terry appeared at the foot of my machine. “You keep gawking like a starving man at a buffet.” Her voice was laced with jealousy and malice.
I shook my head. “It’s a long story.”
She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “So, you’ve slept with her.”
“What? No.” I nearly choked. I wish, I thought.
“You aren’t fooling me.”
Across the room, Autumn beckoned me over. I was glad to get away from the head nurse. She was the kind of person who became impossibly annoying impossibly fast.
I excused myself and rejoined Autumn at the front desk. “I just need you to sign this. There’s no cost to signing up with us but starting on the first you’ll be charged twenty-five dollars every month in order to use our facilities.”
“Sounds like a bargain if it means I get to see you whenever I want.”
She made a gagging noise. “I might have to consider getting a new job,” she said as she handed over my key tag. “You’ll need that to get inside. Just pass it underneath the scanner at the door. Nothing to it.”
“I’m not an idiot, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m the idiot for thinking that you were a halfway decent guy.” She pivoted on her heel and started to walk away.
I just couldn’t stand to watch her go so I reached out to grab her, but before I could do so, she stepped on her untied shoelace. Her body lurched forward, and she held out her hands in order to break her fall.
Her eyes were glued shut by the time I caught her. I held her tight in my arms, our faces inches apart. “Looks like you’re just as clumsy as ever,” I teased.
Her whole face turned a bright shade of red – even the tips of her ears.
It was a lovely sight. I chuckled, my face gravitating towards hers. Those pink lips were calling my name. I couldn’t refuse.
Slap.
I reeled back and dropped her at the impact. “Ouch! What the hell was that for?” I demanded.
She jumped to her feet and wiped the dust from her leggings. “It’s what I should have done a long time ago,” she huffed and with that, she was gone.
3
Autumn
I took my time driving home. I needed to sort through my emotions before facing Sara. If she saw me now, she would pry the information from my soul, and I couldn’t bear the thought of lying to my best friend. I had done it once before out of sheer embarrassment and I didn’t want to do it again.
At a red traffic light, the memory barreled into me like some sort of freight train. The pain pierced right through my chest, severing my heart in two. I had decided to give Leo a chance, despite my better judgment. I had even gone through the lengths of putting on a bit of makeup even though I hated putting on the stuff. It was all for nothing because by the time I got there…
Honk!
I opened my eyes and pressed on the accelerator. The car eased forward. I readjusted my grip and focused on breathing.
Impulsively, I changed lanes and pulled into a drive-thru. This would be a major cheat to my diet, but I definitely needed the comfort food right now.
“Hello! Welcome to Juice Burger, how may I take your order?”
“Yes, I’ll have a double bacon cheeseburger with onions, please.”
“Certainly,” the perky teenager called from the other end of the intercom. “Is there anything else I can get for you?”
“Can I make that a meal? Large.”
“Absolutely. Will that be all?”
“Are you still serving ice cream?” I asked with some hesitation. I would need to work my ass off in the gym for a good part of a week to make up for this calorie overload. But, right now, I didn’t care.
“We certainly are,” she answered. “What can I get you?”
“I’ll have a frozen swirl with M&Ms.”
“Would you like our small or regular size?”
“Regular…” I almost felt ashamed for my weakness. What was I doing, anyway? I vowed never to let Leo ruin my life again and yet, I was allowing him to completely massacre my diet. It’s only for one night, I told myself.
As I handed over my credit card, I couldn’t stand to look at the cashier.
“Have a nice night!” she said as she handed over my heap of food.
I parked at the back of the lot and attacked my fries first. “Mmm…” I moaned aloud. It had been so long since I allowed myself such a treat. I dipped a fry into my ice cream and moaned a second time. Why was fast food so good anyway?
By the time I was done, I felt five pounds heavier but, for the moment, it was totally worth it. I would regret it in the morning when I stepped on that scale.
I pushed these thoughts aside and finally made my way home.
The living room light was on when I rolled into the driveway. Sara was probably reading another one of her romance novels – or, at least, that’s what she liked to call them. I had the sense they were porn in disguise. After all, she never allowed me to borrow them. Then again, I was never really interested.
I unlocked the door as quietly as I could. Maybe, if I was lucky, Sara would be so caught up in her book she wouldn’t even notice me.
But I had no such luck.
“You’re late,” she said as soon as I stepped through the threshold.
“Late? I didn’t know we had plans,” I responded, trying to sound as innocent as possible.
“I thought maybe we could watch a movie together.” She closed her book and stood up from where she was sitting, a hand on her hip. “What kept you, anyway?”
“I decided to stop at the strip mall,” I lied but I could already tell she wasn’t buying it.
“At this time o
f night?” She raised an eyebrow. “Where were you really?”
“Look, it’s none of your business, okay?” I snapped, sounding harsher than I had intended to.
She frowned, looking hurt. I wanted to apologize but I couldn’t get my tongue to work.
“I see,” she said. “Well, in that case, I’ll be going to bed. Good night.”
“Wait… Sara… I didn’t–”
Slam!
I flinched at the sound of her bedroom door crashing against the frame. With a sigh, I crumpled into the nearby couch. I felt horrible. I closed my eyes. As soon as I did so, I pictured Leo’s face close to mine. I didn’t remember him being so handsome. He had thinned out a bit, just as I had, losing the freshman fifteen in favor of a lean figure.
As much as I hated to admit it, he was looking good – too good.
I shook my head and tried to forget about the encounter but those emerald green eyes… they were filled with such sorrow like he really did regret what he had done back in college. No. It was all just a ruse. He had betrayed me once – he could do it again. I wouldn’t be made a fool a second time. I had given him my heart and he had crushed it. He would never get a second chance to do the same.
And yet, all I could think about was the feeling of his arms wrapped around my body. It had been so long since I had been intimate with anyone. After Danny… well, I was scared. It was the reason why I had pushed Leo away in the first place. I couldn’t stand to lose someone else – to go through the heartache.
My eyes burned with the need for tears. I blinked back the urge and rose to my feet. I dragged myself into my bedroom and plopped into bed. I groaned. My stomach was so stuffed that it was on the verge of bursting. I just about made it underneath the covers without hurling.
I stared up at the ceiling. Again, I thought of Leo and that tight embrace of his. I felt my cheeks flush. I hated myself because deep down, I had enjoyed it.
There came a knock on the door. Sara let herself inside without asking. I sat up and wrapped the sheets tightly around my body.
“Will you just tell me what happened? I can’t go to bed when I’m worrying about you.” She sat down on the edge of my mattress and looked into my eyes. “Please, Autumn, we’re friends and friends are supposed to tell each other when something is bothering them.”
I frowned.
“It’s only going to fester if you keep it bottled up inside like this.”
“I saw Leo…” I whispered.
She chuckled. “I had a feeling it was something like that.” She nudged me with her elbow. “He didn’t make a move, did he?”
“Sara!” I shoved her off my bed. “Get out of my room!”
“Alright, alright.” She held up her hands in innocence. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would upset you that much.” She inched forward. “So, how did it happen?”
“He showed up at work, came with a nurse of his.”
“Terry?” Sara guessed.
“Yeah, I think that was her name,” I said. “How did you know?”
“Because she was giving him the bedroom eyes the entire time I was at the clinical. Hardly workplace professional,” she huffed, arms crossed against her chest.
“And how did he react to her…advances…?” I said with some hesitation.
A wild grin stretched across her face. “Why are you asking? Is someone interested?”
“No,” I snapped. “I was just…curious.”
Sara laughed. “Has anyone told you that you’re a terrible liar?” She squeezed my shoulder. “I know your stubborn and I know your scared, but Danny wouldn’t want you to stay lonely all your life. You deserve to be happy – to be with someone.”
I shook my head. “Leo Thompson isn’t that someone. He never will be. If you only knew what he did…” I clamped my mouth shut when I realized I was speaking aloud.
“What did he do?” Sara demanded.
“Nothing,” I said.
She placed both hands on my cheeks and lifted my face so I was forced to look at her. “Look, I’m not going to take that as an answer.”
I bit the inside of my lip.
“Autumn.” Her voice was firm, and I squirmed under the heat of her gaze.
I sighed. Maybe it was finally time for me to tell her. “Okay…”
She sat down and crossed her legs together. When she was comfortable, she took my hands and squeezed them in a comforting gesture. “Tell me everything.”
I nodded. “So, you obviously know how obsessed Leo was with me back in college.”
“Only a blind person wouldn’t have noticed,” she commented. “He used to follow you around like a puppy. I actually felt sorry for the guy.”
“I kept trying to tell him that I wasn’t interested but, of course, I couldn’t tell him about Danny. I didn’t want him to pity me like everyone else.” Saying these words felt different. I pulled my hands away from hers and tightened them into fists. “Because as soon as someone figures out that your high school sweetheart died in some tragic accident, they never treat you the same again.”
Sara pulled me into a hug. “You’re still not over him, are you?”
“I don’t think you ever truly recover from the death of a loved one…” I rested my head on her shoulder so she wouldn’t see the tears running down my cheeks. “We had so many plans together and then he just had to go join the army. I knew it was a bad idea from the start…” My voice cracked.
Sara held me tighter.
“I should have stopped him from going…”
“You can’t blame yourself for Danny’s passing. It was his decision. He wanted to live up to his family’s legacy. You know that and you can’t blame him for wanting to prove himself.”
“I know.” I curled up into a little ball. “But did you expect me to open up to someone else so quickly?”
“But you liked Leo – I could tell. There was always this glow to your face whenever you returned from the lab. Then you started hanging out in his room. You liked him,” Sara said.
I nodded. “I did and that’s what terrified me the most. I was scared of losing him like I had Danny. I didn’t want to go through the pain a second time.”
Sara ran her fingers through my hair. At that moment, I was thankful for having such a good friend. I honestly didn’t know what I would do without her.
I took a deep breath before continuing my story. “So, I pushed him away. It was the only way to keep myself safe.” My lips felt impossibly dry and my tongue felt like an oversized sponge stuffed into my mouth. “But I couldn’t keep him away for very long… I liked him, just as you said.” I focused on the clock that ticked against my wall. The pendulum swung from side to side. “So, I gave him a chance and it was the biggest mistake of my life because he made a fool out of me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were back home with your parents when it happened… that’s why I was able to keep this from you,” I admitted. “He invited me to a party. I was actually pretty excited. I had planned to tell him about Danny and apologize for the way I had treated him but when I got there, he was with another girl. Everyone at the party laughed at me. He was downright hackling. And for the rest of the semester, he did nothing but torment me.”
Sara shook her head. “I had no idea…”
“I didn’t want you to worry about me,” I said. “You had enough on your plate at the time.”
Again, she cupped my cheeks in her hands. “I’ll always worry about you, babe.” She winked. “And if Leo tries that shit again, just let me know and I’ll knock some sense into him.”
I laughed.
The room fell into silence but I broke it.
“But, do you know what the funny thing is?”
“What?” Sara asked.
“Today… when I saw him… those old feelings were still there…”
“You mean…?” Her eyes widened. “That you still like him even after what he did to you?”
I nodded. “I hate myself for it
but, yes, it’s true.” I sighed. “There’s just something about that guy… it’s like this ethereal attraction that I just can’t understand.”
Sara yawned.
“But enough of my complaining. Go to bed. I feel much better, thank you.”
“You promise?” She studied my face as she waited for an answer.
I nodded. “Yes, I promise.” To prove my point, I pulled her into a hug and held her there for a while.
She offered a smile before shuffling toward the doorway. Before she could leave, she paused and looked over her shoulder. “You promised to be home for dinner tomorrow night. Don’t forget.”
“I won’t,” I said with a grin. “How could I miss Saturday spaghetti?”
Sara chuckled and closed the door behind her.
I plopped back into bed and stared at the ceiling. I had an early shift in the morning, but I could already tell that I wouldn’t be getting much sleep.
Still, I had to try. So, I changed into some pajamas and crawled under the covers. I was just about to close my eyes when my phone buzzed against the nightstand. I grabbed it without thinking.
Hey, it’s Leo, the text read.
My jaw tightened. How had he gotten my number?
Who gave this number to you? I texted back. If it was Sara, I might consider smothering her in her sleep.
I have my ways, he returned.
Oh, I had almost forgotten how irritating she could be.
Tell me, I demanded.
Alright, alright. Sara gave it to me.
I shook my head. One of these days, I was definitely going to kill that girl.
Go away. I don’t want to talk to you. And, with that, I silenced my phone and went to sleep.
4
Leo
The following day.
Whole Foods was definitely my favorite grocery store. All of its products were trustworthy, and walking along the produce section, you could still smell all the fruits and vegetables.
I lingered by the sushi display. They had my favorite type of rolls for sale: shrimp tempura. Now, did I want to take the lazy route and eat that for dinner or make something wholesome? Maybe some pasta.
