That summoned Jason’s laughter. “Touché.”
§ § §
Exhausted after the weekend, we went to bed at ten. Yet, despite how fatigued I was, sleep wouldn’t find me. I was anxious about Aaron, and I was overthinking his silence. We’d never fought before, so I had no idea how to treat the situation. I’d never witnessed Aaron as distraught as he had been last night, and because of it, I wasn’t sure what to expect or how to proceed. I had no experience dealing with his anger – did he prefer silence? Was he expecting me to reach out first? Would he remain angry for a long period?
Worse, had this been a disruptive event in our friendship? Had the disclosure made him reconsider our friendship overall?
I couldn’t imagine what was going through his head, but I hoped he didn’t feel betrayed. After all, the sole reason I hadn’t told him about my affair with William was that it was part of our agreement. Surely he had to see that.
It was nearly midnight when I slipped out of William’s hold to reach for my phone. He seemed fast asleep, so I was careful not to wake him as I checked my phone for any messages, but there were none.
With a sigh, I decided to write to Aaron. I couldn’t stand this silence between us. He was one of my best friends, and our argument made me more anxious than I could bear. I hated the possibility that I might have hurt him inadvertently.
‘I’m sorry about how last night turned out. I wasn’t aware he’d be there, and I’m sorry he treated you like that. You didn’t deserve an ounce of it. Call me when you’re ready to talk, yeah? x’
Switching between my social media and my messages, I waited five minutes for him to see it, but since he didn’t, I placed my phone back on my nightstand and decided to use the loo.
Once I’d returned to bed, I snuggled into my duvet and sighed again. Sleep seemed far from my reach, but I had thought William had found it, so when he suddenly asked, “Everything alright, Cara?” I nearly gasped.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” I replied, startled.
His arms reached for me. “No. What’s wrong?” He tugged me into the spoon of his embrace.
I tensed. Part of me wanted to discuss my issues with his past behaviour, but at the same time, I was reluctant to keep him awake. It wasn’t so pressing that it couldn’t wait another while. “Just can’t sleep.”
Silence ensued, and I found his nearness oddly distant all of a sudden.
“I can hear the gears of your mind turning,” he eventually said. “Talk to me, please.”
Unsure, I chewed on my lower lip. “It can wait. Get some rest, Will. You’ve had little of it this weekend, and you’ve got work tomorrow.”
“Cara, no. Now that I know something’s bothering you, I won’t be able to sleep until you tell me.”
I exhaled loudly. “I don’t know where to start.”
He was quiet for a beat. “Please don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind about us.”
“No, I haven’t,” I reassured him at once. “But, if you really want me to talk, I should turn on the light.”
“Shit,” he mumbled. “Is it related to me?”
I grimaced in the dark. “I’m afraid so.”
“Alright, spit it out, then.”
Obliging, I reached over to switch on my night lamp before I sat up. Crossing my legs, I faced him and fiddled with my fingers. “This is going to be quite the speech,” I warned. “But please, don’t interrupt me.”
Clearly apprehensive, he avoided my eyes while he pushed up to slide towards the headboard of my bed, which he rested his back against. Folding his hands on his lap, he inhaled deeply and then blew out his cheeks.
“Okay, bring it.”
Nervous, I scratched my cheek while my heart hammered. “While I’m grateful we made up today, there are a few things that are bothering me, which I feel are important to make clear if we’re going to work out.”
Finally, he met my eyes, and a slow nod followed. “Go on.”
“I’ve been thinking about your conduct – your pursuit overall – and I’ve noticed an alarming pattern, which is that you tend to always put yourself first, Will. You’ve behaved quite selfishly, and if you mean to continue with that, we’re going to have a problem.”
He frowned. “Would you mind elaborating on why you’re under that impression? Have you got any examples?”
I nodded patiently. “I’ve got several. Would you like to hear them all?”
“I’d prefer it, yes.”
“Then please don’t interrupt till I’ve shared all of them.”
“I won’t.”
“Thank you,” I said and reached for his hand, and I was grateful he gave it to me. While tracing my thumb along the edges of his neatly trimmed nails, I started, “When you messaged me on Instagram that first time, were you genuinely seeking to befriend me?”
He grimaced, and I saw shame at the root of it. After a reluctant shake of his head, he admitted, “No.”
“Was it part of your pursuit?”
“Yes.”
I’d expected it, and while it annoyed me, I reminded myself to be constructive about this. “Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it.”
He averted his eyes with a nod.
“Anyway,” I continued, “you failed to respect my wishes when you did that. I specifically told you I wasn’t interested in anything else, and you disregarded that and decided to put yourself and your own feelings first.”
Seeing my point, he nodded again.
“Then, after you walked in on Aaron and me, you got very angry with me, as if I’d committed a crime.”
“That wasn’t right of me,” he agreed.
“It wasn’t. Either way, you still punished me for it. I know you were drunk that night – when you brought Jason home after he’d had too much to drink – but you threatened to destroy my friendship with Jason just because you were angry with me for sleeping with Aaron. While you were at it, you insinuated that I’m the type of woman who uses men solely for my own personal gain, and that was very unkind of you. I’m not like that, and I found it extremely disrespectful that you would treat me like that. How do you think I felt in the wake of that incident? I hated that I’d hurt you, but at the same time, I’d told you I wasn’t interested in anything else, Will. I didn’t deserve your spite.”
Air poured out of his mouth for a long while, and I watched as his chest deflated with it. His gaze dashed to the ceiling then, and it remained there.
“Again, you placed your own hurt feelings first,” I told him, which he nodded to. I continued, “I have another question, and again, I’d appreciate it if you were honest with me. I’m not looking to punish you here. On the contrary, my point with bringing all this up is that I want us to work out, so I’d like to recognise and treat the problem before it gets a chance to worsen.”
Seeming to realise and appreciate my intentions, his fingers wrapped around my hand. Still, he refused to look at me.
“What’s your question?” he quietly asked.
“The shoe cabinet… Did you tilt it over on purpose? To stop us?”
His jaw clenched. “I might have overdone it.”
I groaned. “William, you had no right.”
“I know,” he admitted shamefacedly, hand squeezing mine. “I just couldn’t bear it, Cara. I’m sorry.”
“I understand, Will – really, I do – but the pattern remains the same. You were hurt, so you put yourself first. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing something similar in that sort of situation. As it happens, I even went and collected Francesca for you despite my notion of her reason for being there. You put your wounded feelings before my right to do such a thing in my own home, even when I had no idea you’d be there.
“And, speaking of Francesca, that brings me to the scheme you pulled. I had made myself very clear with you by then, several times over, and yet you mad
e it seem like you fucked her just to elicit a reaction from me. You showed no consideration for how much that might have hurt me, and you also showed no consideration for the fact that I had told you not to pursue me. I mean, poor Francesca! You took advantage of her there.”
He winced. “Hardly. I dragged out the time a bit, and perhaps I did some questionable things, but what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, Cara.”
I scoffed. “That’s funny. That was my view when I asked you not to tell Jason about us, which you scolded me for… which also brings me to my next point.”
He groaned. “Christ, how long is the list?”
“William.” My tone was strict. “I’m trying to be constructive here.”
“Sorry. It’s just embarrassing to remember all this. I hardly recognise myself, and hearing it out loud is making the gravity of what I’ve done real to me. It’s uncomfortable.”
A sympathetic smile curved my lips. “Well, that’s good. That’s the point of all this.”
He sank somewhat. “Carry on, then.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you on Friday,” I murmured with a pout. “It was selfish and reckless of me, but I was very drunk and, all along, I’ve been very attracted to you, so I fell for temptation, and it was ruthless of me. However, you also had a responsibility to make sure I wouldn’t be overstepping your boundaries. You should have made sure we were on the same page as much as I should have. You knew I wasn’t interested in anything more – I’d told you time and again – and yet you went ahead anyway. I am to blame for some of the hurt that scene caused you, but you do share some of the blame, William. You’re a grown man. You should be able to look out for yourself.”
His chest expanded and deflated with his loud, deep breath. “You’re right. It is partially my fault.”
This conversation was exceeding my expectations. He was being unusually attentive.
“I’m glad you’re able to see that,” I said and lifted his hand to my mouth to kiss it. “Anyway, what happened after that is also a bit problematic. While I agree it was selfish of me to ask you not to tell Jason about us, you did in fact agree to it. So, that you decided to tell him without warning me first was completely unacceptable. I understand you were angry with me and wanted to hold me accountable for my actions, but at that moment in time, you put yourself first – again – by telling him without my consent.”
“I’m very sorry about that,” he insisted. “In my defence, I knew Jason wasn’t going to care – that he’d prefer the truth – so it just seemed nonsensical to keep it from him at the time.”
“I get that, but it wasn’t nonsensical to me, which is what you should have respected. Your view on something isn’t the only one that matters, Will.”
“I know,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry. I’m actually mortified listening to this.”
“Really?” My eyes narrowed as I tried to gauge whether he was being sincere or not, but it was apparent he was.
“Really.”
I sighed. “Well, there’s one more thing left, and this is going to get very uncomfortable, I think.”
He retrieved his hand. “I think I already know,” he said, but it was barely audible.
“Last night, you were very upset, and I completely understand why you were. Really, I do. However, I would never have insulted Francesca if the roles were switched around, and I would never have tried to get between you by attempting to ruin your friendship. What you told him about my ‘air’ comment was completely offensive, Will. It may not have been your intention to destroy our friendship by saying that, but it might still have been a consequence. You twisted my words in order to hurt him. You didn’t consider my place in that situation at all, but you should have. Instead, you minded your own stakes, and those alone, and it’s not okay. You can’t keep doing that.
“So, ultimately, the pattern I’ve noticed is that you keep putting yourself first. While your ulterior motive might justify some of it – the fact that you saw the potential for us working out – you’ve still disregarded and disrespected my boundaries and placed your selfish desires first. That can’t continue in the future. I won’t enter a relationship with someone who’s prone to such toxicity. I’ve tried time and again to respect your feelings and keep my distance, but you’ve made it really fucking hard, William. You’ve intentionally provoked me, so when you argue that I’ve contradicted myself, please reconsider who’s to blame. You’re at fault as well, not just me.
“You say I’m inexperienced, and I know I am. I’ve tried to warn you about it several times. However, I’d argue that you can be very immature yourself. When you’ve had no claim whatsoever, how entitled you’ve acted can be considered quite childish, you know.
“I understand you’ve been hurt, and I understand you’ve been confused since I’ve told you I have feelings for you, but I have also told you I didn’t want anything, and those are also my feelings, Will, which you have repeatedly disregarded. You can’t just pick and choose what to listen to and what to ignore. The overall point was that I did not want your romantic attention, and you disrespected that.
“I know you’ve meant well – your intention and heart were in the right place – but you can’t keep doing it. I consider it a major red flag, Will, which I’ll be mindful of as we start seeing each other. I won’t settle for someone who won’t respect me and my autonomy.”
I nearly stopped speaking when I saw tears surface in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said, but he shook his head and continued to avoid looking at me.
“Please, continue. I’m fine,” he insisted.
Yet another sigh escaped me, and my pout intensified. “You’re twenty-eight, Will. You’ve been in a long-term relationship before, you’ve got a stable career, your friends are at a point where they’re considering children. Typically, all you’ve left to do is find a woman to settle down with, and that frightens me a bit because I’m nowhere near that point in my life. I’m still trying to establish myself. I don’t even know if I want children. I’m really far behind you, and you need to bear that in mind. If you want to date me, you’ll need to be patient with me. I’ve agreed to start seeing you, and I obviously hope we’ll work out, but the pace is a serious concern of mine. We’ll have to take things slow. If you can’t respect that, you need to find someone else – and this is your last warning. I mean it.”
He nodded vehemently. “Okay,” he said feebly. “I’m glad you brought this up. With hindsight, I agree with everything you’ve said. I’ve been extremely selfish, and it needs to stop. I swear I’ll fix it. I’ve just…” He blew his cheeks out again, and I could tell he was struggling to keep his tears at bay. “I’ve just wanted to give you everything. I’ve been so eager that I haven’t been able to think clearly.”
I leaned forward to roll onto him. Hugging him, I wrapped my leg over his and rested my cheek on his chest. “I know what you mean. I’ve been confused, too. Feelings are a bitch that way.”
“Cara, I’m really sorry. Hearing this, I’m shocked you want to give me a chance at all.”
Wearing a faint smile, I left a prolonged kiss on his chest. “Well, it’s because I see hope for what is at the root of it all. Like I said, your heart’s been in the right place, but how you’ve gone about it can’t continue. So, while I’m glad we are where we are, it won’t justify things if you repeat this pattern.”
“I won’t. I promise.” His arms came around me, and while he squeezed me against him, he pressed his lips to my hair and kissed me repeatedly.
I let out a breath of relief. “Thank you for listening to me and for taking it so well. And, with all of that said, I want you to know that I’m sorry, too. I never meant to hurt you, but I did, and I’m sorry for it.”
“I’m glad you told me. If you have thoughts like these again, I’d appreciate it if you brought them to my attention at once. I want this to work, so I’m grateful you’re helping m
e manage it.”
Crawling up his body, I stopped just before I reached his mouth, and a tender grin spread my lips apart when I saw that his tears had retreated. “The fact that we were able to talk about this so constructively is a great sign, Will. Huge star in my book.”
He smiled faintly. “Mine too. Communication might turn into our strong point.”
“Let respect be, too.”
“Agreed.”
I pecked his mouth. “With that out of the way, I think I’ll be able to sleep now.”
He glanced at my alarm. “Good. It’s quite late.”
“It is.” Reaching for my night lamp, I killed the lights.
When he pulled me back to him to wrap his limbs around me, I smiled in the dark. He was so warm and big, and he smelled so good. Nothing could beat this feeling. I’d never felt so at home in an embrace before – like I belonged.
“Good night, darling,” he cooed and kissed my cheek.
Snuggling closer, I released a contented sigh. “Night, Will.”
“That’s my name.”
I laughed. “Like I could ever forget.”
30
INTO THE NIGHT
William had left before my alarm rang the next morning, and while I’d been asleep when he did, I had a vague memory of his lips on my cheek, and the sensation of it remained in my mind all the way to work. It was a lovely thing, but despite it, I was nervous today. Everything had changed this weekend. I was now seeing my boss, and how to handle it was completely unexplored terrain for me.
I’d no idea what to expect, but I was sure about two things: when at work, I expected us to behave professionally towards one another, and I also expected us to keep our affair a secret from our colleagues, with two exceptions. In the end, I expected that both Andy and Violet would learn the truth since they were among William’s most cherished friends. That didn’t bother me all that much because I trusted their loyalty towards William. However, following this past weekend, I feared Elisabeth had her suspicions too, but I would confirm nothing if she did.
Skin of the Night: Book One of The Night series Page 45
