by Nyrae Dawn
“So, Emily. Did Annabel tell you what we’re doing?”
My fork clanks against my plate. I scramble to pick it up. Both Dad and Em’s eyes are on Mom. And I know I’m screwed because I know what she’s going to say and I know how Em’s going to feel.
“No, she didn’t Ms. Conway.”
Mom claps her hands together. “Oh. It’s so exciting. We’re going out for a girl’s spa day. She wants to get her hair and nails done. And shopping of course. There are clothes out there to help enhance almost any figure and—”
“Why does her figure need enhanced?” Em’s voice is tense.
Dad adds, “She wants to do all this? If she does, I’m all for it. I just want to be sure it’s something she really wants.”
Yep. I’m definitely screwed.
“Why wouldn’t she, Daniel?” Mom asks.
“I’m still trying to figure out why she has to find clothes to enhance anything when she’s perfect the way she is,” Em says.
“All girls want to maximize their assets and hide their imperfections.”
Em blanches at Mom. “I don’t!”
“Wait a minute. What assets are we drawing attention to here?” Dad breaks in. I feel dizzy as their words all run laps around me. All three of them, trying to talk for me. All of them thinking they know what’s best for me. All of them making me feel smaller and smaller. Unfortunately, not in the good way.
“Paulette, you’re always doing this!”
“I’m only trying to help!”
“You’re perfect the way you are, Bell,” Em says from beside me.
Suddenly the food isn’t sitting so well in my stomach. That same anger from my boxing day is begging to burst free, until I can’t hold it back any longer. I shove myself up from the table. “Stop it! All of you, just stop it!” The room is dead silent as six eyes are on me. “I can’t do this. I don’t need you all arguing about me like everyone knows what’s best for me. Just…just back off. Right now I just need all of you to back off.”
Part of me feels bad for leaving Em, but I can’t stay. On my way out the door, I grab my keys and purse and I’m gone. With no clue where to go, I drive. Drive and drive until I’m sitting at a stop sign by the middle school. There’s a track right behind it.
I jerk into the parking lot, park and head straight for the track. I’m not wearing the right shoes. I have on capris, but I don’t care. I don’t need Mom. I don’t need Tegan. I get out and run. My legs ache. My lungs burn, but I make myself jog the whole lap. It’s still freeing. Like each of my steps is healing me from my day. Like I’m healing me by doing something. When I make the whole loop I fall into the grass and die. Okay, not really, but I feel like it. But it feels good too. I just did something incredible.
CHAPTER SEVEN
A MOTHER’S HUG
I return Tegan’s smile when I walk into the gym. “What are we doing first?” Instead of waiting for him to reply, I keep walking through the gym. Luckily my voice doesn’t sound as annoyed as I really am. I’m still hurt he no showed on me.
He steps up beside me. “Cardio, like always.”
This time it’s me who leads the way to the machines. I can do this. I can do this. I’m not even sure how many times I say the words, trying to make them true. It’s not as easy as I thought it would be to pretend I don’t care, that I expected more of him and he let me down.
It’s me who pushes the buttons to get my tread going today. I fall into a slow jog, without waiting to see what Tegan will do. Again, he climbs on his own machine beside me. We jog in silence for ten minutes and forty-five seconds. Stupid timer.
“I know you’re mad. I planned on coming. Something just came up.”
Something came up? Something came up?! Boys suck. So I ignore him for two minutes and ten seconds. “Something came up? I know you stole my phone number. You used my address, you could have used my number too.”
“I know.”
He knows? Now I’m even more annoyed. My legs speed up and I’m jogging faster. “Well, glad to hear you know. Too bad I wasn’t worthy of the call you knew how to make.” Part of me knows I shouldn’t be making this big a deal of it. He owes me nothing, but I can’t help it. Somehow he made me expect something and didn’t follow through.
“It was important.” His voice is soft, but firm.
“Oh? And what was so important. I waited for you Gym Boy.”
“Shit.” He steps off the treadmill. “I wanted to be there. We have work to make up for and…It was important,” he says again, but still not telling me where he was. Somehow, I know he won’t.
We have work to make up for. Did I really expect the jog to have been about anything else? It still stings. “You know what? I don’t care. Let’s just finish our workout.”
I step off the machine. Tegan walks away and I follow. We go through our routine. Abdominals, which let me tell you, is super embarrassing. Today’s an arm day so he walks me through a bunch of arm exercises. He only talks to tell me how many repetitions to do or to urge me on. I only talk when I have to, which thankfully isn’t very often.
The whole time I can’t stop thinking about sitting in that car. His non-answer. The apology he never offers. Or the fact that somehow, I let myself believe he actually wanted to spend time with me when really he only wanted to make up for a workout. Still, I keep searching for an answer, or hoping there is one.
“Good workout today.” Tegan crosses his arms and leans against the building. This is the first time he’s actually walked me out of the building.
“Thanks,” I mumble, pulling my keys out of my bag. Then I start to walk away.
“Hey,” he calls out to me and idiotically I stop. “I’m sorry.”
And then it hits me. I’m not sure why I realize it now, but I think I know why he didn’t come. Timidly, I turn. “You were with your brother, weren’t you? You were helping out with something.” If it’s true, it doesn’t excuse why he didn’t call. It really doesn’t explain why he didn’t just tell me the truth, but it makes the not-showing-up part kind of okay.
Tegan’s eyes don’t tell me anything. They’re wide and staring straight at me. He hasn’t moved. I’m not even sure he’s breathing right now.
“It’s okay… I mean, if that’s the reason, it’s okay. I understand.”
Finally he moves, pushing away from the wall slightly. “Why? Because I’m the guy with the crippled brother? That excuses me for everything?” Tegan shakes his head, his blond hair blowing gently in the slight breeze. “See you next time, Annabel Lee.” Turning around, he heads back for the building. I don’t know where the courage comes from, but when anger bursts to the surface, I let it out.
“You know what? It’s not okay! You’re right. Even if you were helping your brother it doesn’t give you the right to no call no show!”
He turns like my yelling surprises him. It surprises me too. I don’t wait for his reply though. I turn and walk away.
***
“Annabel, wake up. I need your help.” Mom’s voice first thing in the morning is never a good thing. Nothing would please me more than to roll over and pretend I’m still sleeping, but then, that wouldn’t work with her would it? Maybe another mom, but not mine.
“Yeah?” I sit up and rub my eyes.
“We had a cancelation and I need your help with a few things to get ready for the pageant.”
It’s even worse than I thought. Is it possible for me to lie back down and play dead? “Isn’t there anyone else?”
“No there’s not. That’s why I’m here. It’s not as if I ask you for a lot, Annabel.”
No, not a lot at all. Just perfection. “Okay, I’ll be down in ten.” She closes the door and I get out of bed and get ready. The car ride is practically silent. I don’t know what I was thinking—riding with her like this. I wonder if she’s as nervous as I am. Me because I don’t want to see the beauty queens from my high school and her because she doesn’t want to see me next to the girls. It will only
remind us both what we don’t have.
When we get there, I waste no time finding a quiet corner to paint. It’s a plain backdrop that I have to paint white. Not hard, but Mom has checked on me four times in an hour. Not because she’s curious, but because she doubts me. While I paint, Elizabeth and her crew are too cool to bother with me.
Mom and Bridgette are working on a schedule of some sort. They didn’t offer me much information and I didn’t ask. When I finish the painting I move on to whatever other odd jobs they need me to do. Pull lighting, more props, and chairs from the storage. I’ve probably sneezed a million times because of the dust. I wonder if anyone else here has allergies like I do?
Just like my workout with Tegan the other day, Mom only talks to me when she has to. It’s not to be mean either. I know that. This is her element. She’s ordering people around and planning something big. Something that will make everyone say, “Wow, look what Paulette Conway did.” I don’t fit into the equation.
And Elizabeth and crew? They just stay away from me. They’re too cool to want anything to do with me.
Finally, when I’ve done everything on Mom’s list, I hunt to find her, hoping we can leave. Following the hallway back stage, I head toward the offices, stopping when I hear my name.
“What about Annabel? Would she be interested in taking Ella’s place? I’m sure the two of you could throw something together in time, Paulette.”
It’s a woman’s voice. I’m not sure who. I know it isn’t Bridgette. I’m sure she’d know better than to ask.
“No, pageants aren’t really Annabel’s thing. She’s made it clear she wouldn’t want to participate.”
I had? Holy moly. When did I start making things clear that I never knew about? I mean, I’d rather poke my own eyes out, but I never told her that.
Or maybe not, maybe if she’d ask, I’d surprise both of us and want to do it with her.
“You never know. We’re kind of in a bind here. Maybe you could ask her.”
Ask me… Don’t ask me… Ask me… Don’t ask me… I don’t want to participate, but I want her to want me to. Just this once.
“She has plans, Evelyn. It wouldn’t work out. She’s going to be out of town with her friend Emily that night.” She’s not going to ask me. My eyes start to sting.
“Darn. I’ll figure something out. Thanks for everything, Paulette.” Footsteps sound as I assume Evelyn walks away.
“Is she really going out of town?” Bridgette asks.
“Of course not. I can’t let her embarrass herself like that, Bridge. You know it would be a disaster.”
What I hear is, embarrass me like that. I squeeze my eyes shut, not allowing myself to cry and then I walk out. The second I get outside I remember I don’t have my car with me. Nice. What am I supposed to do now?
Mine and Em’s favorite coffee shop is only a block away so I head there. Once I have a coffee—crap, water in me. Stupid diet. Hopefully water will do the trick and help me relax. Then maybe I can call Em to see if she can pick me up. We haven’t seen each other in a few days.
One water bottle later, two familiar people come in. Tegan’s mom and brother. I freeze, like it will somehow make me disappear.
They order their drinks and then look around the busy shop. There are no empty tables. In fact, the only empty seats are the ones by me. My stomach feels like I just had a triple shot and nothing to eat all day, but I wave at them. “Hi. I don’t know if you remember me, but I helped you guys at the gym the other day.”
Tegan’s mom smiles and as his brother wheels himself over. “Of course I remember you! That was so nice of you to help. I’m sorry I didn’t get to thank you that day, but I turned around and you were gone.”
I give them a smile. “It was no big deal. I’m about to head out though. I just wanted to tell you guys you could have my table if you want it.”
“Sit. You’re not going anywhere, but we’ll join you.”
Automatically, my butt falls into the chair. It’s not in the way I would sit if Mom told me to, but in a way that I want to sit.
“We have a couple hours to kill while they work on the lift for the van. We could use a little company…”
“Annabel.” It’s an instant like. There’s something so friendly and welcoming about his mom.
“I’m Dana and this is Timmy.”
“Tim, Ma. I swear, you and Tegan treat me like I’m a baby.”
She ruffles his hair. “Aw, my little Timmy-wimmy-kins.” He shoves her hand away, cheeks red.
“Whatever.”
I feel warm inside watching them. “Nice to meet you.” I look at Tegan’s bother. “Nice to meet you too, Tim.”
He beams at me. “Do you play Gin Rummy? I kick Mom and Tegan’s butt. I need some real competition.”
Like his brother, he makes me laugh. They remind me of each other. The same brown eyes, blond hair and he has Tegan’s same smile. His real one, not the Ken smile. “You’re on.”
We play four games. I’m not sure I ever laughed so hard in my life. Tim and his mom joke with each other, tease each other. They’re happy in a way mom has never been with me. When she looks at him, you see how much she loves him. She sees more than his chair in a way Mom will never see more than my weight.
There are so many times they talk about Tegan where it would be so easy for me to ask about him. To try and find out which Tegan is real. I’m sure I can even find out what they did the other day, but I don’t. None of it feels right.
A good two hours pass before Tegan’s mom’s cell phone rings and they let her know the van is ready. On autopilot I slump back in my chair. Not only do I not want to go home, I haven’t called Em yet.
“Do you need a ride home?” Tim’s eyes are wide, excited when he asks.
The urge to say yes almost overpowers me. “I’m going to call my friend to pick me up. Thanks anyway.”
“Are you sure? Any girl who gives my brother a black eye is a friend of mine.”
My cheeks heat. “It was an accident! I swear I didn’t mean to hit him.” My eyes find Dana, but she’s only laughing.
“Don’t worry, sweetie. I’m sure he deserved it. Plus, he was pretty proud of that black eye.” She answers.
“Proud?”
“Yep. You made him proud. He couldn’t stop bragging about the girl who gave him a right hook.”
My breath catches. I don’t think she notices because suddenly she’s hugging me goodbye. I hug her back tightly, wondering what it would feel like for Mom to give me hugs this strong.
“Thanks for hanging out with us.” She winks at me and then she and Tim are gone.
***
I’m lying in bed, my room dark. I’ve been trying to go to sleep for hours, but it’s just not happening. I roll to the left and think about Tegan, how he doesn’t like to talk about his brother. The family that obviously loves him and who, by the way they were talking, they’re all incredibly close.
About how his mom said he couldn’t stop talking about me, even though it was only about my punch.
Roll to the right and I think about her hug. How accepting she was to me, even though we hardly know each other. She hugged me the way Dad does.
On my back I think about Mom. How much I embarrass her. It kills me to embarrass her. I don’t understand why, when she doesn’t even care enough to have thanked me for helping today. She asked why I disappeared, easily accepted my lie about Em and then went on and on about the pageant she wants me to have nothing to do with.
When my phone vibrates on my bedside table, I jump. Rolling over I pick it up. It’s a text, but I don’t know the number.
Hey. It’s Tegan.
Why is he texting me? Why do my hands shake when I reply? Hey.
I’m sorry for being an ass.
It’s not okay. My bravery makes me smile.
I’m glad… meet me tomorrow? Same time, same place. I promise to show up this time.
Meet him? I don’t know if I can… I don’t know
if I can’t. I want to know more about him and for some reason, I want him to know more about me too. How do I know you’re not going to ditch me?
I’ll be there. Scouts honor. The question is, will you?
It takes me ten minutes to reply. Yes.
Chapter Eight
A JOGGING WE WILL GO
To my surprise, Tegan stands next to a beat up Honda Accord when I pull up in front of Let’s Get Physical, smoothie in hand. This time, I’m not early. Who cares if I had to park around the corner and wait until I could drive up at the exact right time?
I pretend to fiddle with my bag to buy myself a minute. This time our jog is really going to happen and it freaks me out. Makes me realize a part of me was glad he didn’t show last time.
When I look up, Tegan is standing right by my window. He taps his wrist and I get out of the car. “What? We’re not jogging from here are we?” The thought of people out for their morning coffee seeing my jigglies is not my idea of fun.
“No, get in. I’m driving.” He’s wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt, his elusive tattoo still hiding from view.
I glance at my car and back at him. It’s not like I mind him driving, but like I said, this isn’t the best side of town so I’m a little nervous about leaving my car here.
“It’ll be okay, princess. Don’t worry about it. I already told Kim to keep an eye out for you, not that I need to.”
I bite my cheeks so I don’t smile. Reaching over, I grab my backpack and water bottle, lock up and walk over to his car. My backpack is strategically in front of me, which is lame. I can’t hide behind it and I’m not sure why I’m trying.
My pack follows me to my lap when I sit in the passenger side. I wrap my arms around it, holding it tight. A second later, Tegan’s behind the wheel.
“I’m not going to bite, ya know. You’d think you were the one who almost got knocked out with how freaked out you look over there.”
