by Nyrae Dawn
“I know…” I remember how he looked at Bo and Ricks words tonight. Knowing his dad left and all he does to try and hold his family together. Yes, Tegan is a little broken like me.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“I think I need to.”
“K. Hold up a sec.” Tegan gets out of the car, comes around opens my door for me. I think we’re going to go outside, but he pulls me in the backseat with him. His arm comes around me and I let my back rest against the side of his chest. Even though it’s warm, even with the windows down, Tegan’s heat is welcoming.
“I feel stupid even talking about it. I mean, people get teased all the time.”
“That doesn’t make it hurt any less for the person on the receiving end.”
Like always, he’s right. “You know how it goes. There’s always someone at school who gets it. We’ve talked about it before. How shitty school is.”
It’s hard talking about this and keeping my emotions out of it. I want to, I need to, but then I don’t, do I? I should be able to share this with Tegan.
I nuzzle closer to him. In return, he squeezes me tighter. “On the last day of school last year, I knew something was up. Everyone was staring at me more than usual. Snickers, laughs, pointing. Em noticed it too, but we tried to blow it off. I mean, we didn’t usually care what people thought about us.
“About halfway through the day, I started hearing little comments. Fat Girl in Love. Little digs about how stupid I was. How delusional I was. I seriously had no idea what was happening.”
My eyes are watering now. Tears are dripping down my face, rolling down my neck. Tegan reaches over and catches them.
“So it’s the end of the day. We’re in the commons. Everyone’s there, all hyped up because school’s out for the summer. That’s when this guy—Billy Mason—comes up to me and shoves a letter in my hand. I swear, I think the whole school was around us, Tegan. I felt everyone’s eyes on me while I read it.”
I take a few breaths, forcing myself to continue. “It was a love letter. A love letter from me that I didn’t write. It was made out to Billy. Everyone had a copy. They were all holding them, reading and laughing at all the things they thought I said to Billy. We worked together for our final in English so whoever wrote it took the idea from that. It spelled out how I fell in love with him while working with him, how gorgeous I thought he was. How nice he was to me.”
I try to pull away, needing a little space, but he holds me tighter. That’s when I realize I don’t need the space after all. I need him.
“Needless to say, I denied it. Also needless to say, Billy played it up. How he just felt bad for the fat girl and he didn’t mean for me to fall in love with him. That he gets it—how a girl like me would want to think there could be something between us, but I’m not his type. How I’m such a nice girl, but he likes his girls with a little less meat on their bones. Everyone loved that one.”
I shake my head. “The more I denied it, the more they seemed to think it was real. He kept telling me I didn’t have to be in denial. They all saw the letter, crap like that. It was so embarrassing, Tegan. I hated him, but I hated me too.”
“No.” He pulls away so we can look at each other. “You have nothing to hate yourself about. That’s bullshit, Annabel Lee. He’s the jerk. There’s nothing wrong with you.”
“There’s the part of me that knows it, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
More tears are coming. Tegan pulls me against him and I cry into his chest. It feels good leaning on him. Having him here for me. Trusting him in a way I’ve never done with anyone. When all the tears are gone, he tilts my head up and places a soft kiss to my lips.
“First of all, Billy would be honored to have you love him. I have to admit, I’m pretty stoked you don’t. Makes me luckier because you’re mine.”
This time I really do smile.
“Second, I’m sorry that happened to you. High school sucks. It won’t be like that in college. Only three more semesters for you and you’ll be done.”
Another kiss.
“And third, I’m totally going to kick Billy’s ass if I ever see him.”
I know he’s only saying that to make me feel better, and it works. I do.
“I guess it’s my turn now…you know, the whole opening up thing…”
There’s something about his voice, I can tell he doesn’t want to. That he’s not ready yet, so I try to lighten the moment the way he always does for me. “Or… we can just make-out instead. Unless—”
My words are cut off by his lips. I’m guessing he’d rather make-out.
Chapter Seventeen
BUSTED
It’s been two weeks since my little confession to Tegan and I haven’t regretted it once. I feel like I’ve cleared the air and I’m one step closer to becoming the person who doesn’t need to run. Who would have told Pammie where she could stuff it when she brought my weight into it.
The cool part? It has nothing to do with the twelve freaking pounds I’ve lost since the beginning of the summer. Yep, that’s right, twelve. There’s a part of me who wishes I could have dropped more, who feels like I’m losing weight slower than a grandma drives, but from everything I’ve read, that’s the way to do it. That’s what Tegan says. If you drop it too quickly, you’ll gain it back, I’m building lean muscle. Yada, yada. I’m not going to lie, I kind of tune out some of that stuff. I’m trying to focus on the part of me that realizes I’ve lost twelve freaking pounds and that’s pretty kick butt if you ask me.
Eighteen more and I’ll be at my target. One thirty-five. A number I haven’t seen for years. One that Mom would probably hire a trainer if she ever hit, but for me, it’s perfect.
I’m leaning against a pole while Tegan’s doing his round of biceps. We rotate now, him and me, working out together. It’s like a partnership and I love it. The view isn’t so bad either.
“What are you smiling at over there?” He lets go of the bar.
“You.”
“Because I’m so hot?”
“Because you’re not a grunter.”
One of Tegan’s eyebrows rises. “Aw, you’re so sweet. Wait till I tell the guys my girl doesn’t think I’m a grunter.”
I snap him with my towel. “Shut up. I mean, some of the guys in here are all loud and grunt when they lift. I think they do it so people look at them, which I don’t understand, but I’d wondered about you. If you’d be a grunter and now I know you’re not.”
He shakes his head. “You’re so weird, but I still love you.”
Defibrillator anyone? Jumper cables? I’ll go for anything to help jump start my heart right now. Does he mean love me, love me or is it just one of those passing comment things? Passing comment. It has to be, but all of a sudden, it’s really hot in here. I’m feeling a little dizzy like I have a bad case of heat stroke. What if he means it? Does he really love me? I mean, we’re young. He starts college in September and though it’s local and I plan to be there in a year, would it be smart to go falling in love right now?
“Breathe, Annabel Lee.” Tegan stand ups, snickering and then leans close to my ear. Will he say it again? Am I supposed to say it back? Gah, Holy heart attack in the making. Closer he comes and my nerves are seizing.
“Come on. We still have abs to do and then I have to clock in.”
Did I mention I really want to know if he really loves me? Because I’m kind of scared that I’m more than halfway in love with him.
***
I spoon steamed vegetables onto my plate, cut the piece of chicken in half because it’s huge and I don’t need that much anymore, and add a small amount of red potatoes. It’s a healthy meal, none of it fried or anything, not that Mom’s ever been big on frying, but I know just by eating less, I’m doing something good for myself. The part that rocks even more is that I’m full after this amount of food. I don’t understand why I ever thought I needed more than this.
Mom’s late to the table, coming in after my and Dad’s plates are made. Surprisingly, there’s no phone with her. Instead she’s looking at Dad and he’s looking back at her and I know something’s up.
“What’s wrong?” All sorts of thoughts are going through my head. Divorce, sickness. I choose to ignore the fact that I automatically go to worst case scenarios.
“I ran into Emily today.” Mom’s voice is tight, angry.
“What happened? Is she okay?”
It’s Dad who replies. “Pumpkin, she said she hasn’t seen much of you lately. Your mother commented about your staying out with her a couple times and asked about the movies, but she had no idea what she was talking about.”
Holy crap. Leave it to me to finally get a life and get caught lying about it.
“Of course she tried to cover, but the damage was done. What have you been doing, Annabel?” Mom doesn’t sound nearly as understanding as dad.
“I…”
“Why were you lying? Are you on drugs? You’re leaving the house early every morning, and you look thinner. Are you on something?”
It’s sad that a little part of me does a cheer that she noticed. It’s like a compliment she’s issued even though she’s accusing me of doing drugs to lose weight at the same time. But she’s noticed and it feels better than it should.
“Drugs, Paulette? You can’t be serious.”
“You always defend her! Always try and make me the bad guy.”
I want to plug my ears so I don’t hear their fighting. It’s me. Always about me. “Of course I’m not on drugs!” The only reason I raise my voice is so they’ll hear me.
“Then who are you with? Why have you lied about where you are?” Then, a light bulb goes off in Mom’s eyes and I realize she knows. This shouldn’t bother me, but it does. They’ll burst mine and Tegan’s bubble. Both him and what I’m doing won’t be mine anymore. It will be theirs to dissect and question me about.
To my surprise, she then shakes her head. “No, it couldn’t be a boy.”
Pain pierces my chest. My eyes sting. Anger and hurt wrestle inside me. My heart jumps when Dad’s hands come down on the table, shaking the glasses.
“You always do this to her. Why can’t it be a boy? Because she’s not you? Because she doesn’t spend three hours with her face in the mirror every day?”
Mom pushes to her feet. “I always do this to her? You always do this to me. You’re always putting words in my mouth so you’re her savior and I’m the witch. I only meant that she wouldn’t keep a boy from me. That’s something a daughter shares with her mom.”
I don’t even have it in me to feel guilty. I can’t believe she thinks I would share it with her. We never talk about anything that matters.
“So you think she’d be on drugs before she might keep something from you? Hell, Paulette, all she did is lie about where she was. All teenagers do it.”
Back and forth they yell about me. Fight about me. They think they know who I am. What I do. What’s best for me. Their voices are an echo, a muffled echo beating against my brain until I can’t take it anymore. I’m pushing to my feet. My chair falls backward on the floor. “Enough! I can’t do this! Stop fighting about me like I’m not here!”
It hurts to breathe, to talk, but I keep going. “I joined a gym and got a trainer because I’m tired of being fat. He’s the only person who lets me be me. Who isn’t telling me what I need to do, offering me makeovers, defending me, or trying to fix me—which is funny since he started out as my trainer. But it has always been about what I want and now he’s my boyfriend and that’s who I’m with every day. And I lied so I could avoid this!”
The room is dead quiet. As always Mom looks perfect, regal in her royal room. She’s almost too calm. Me? I’m a live-wire, thrashing around because I’m not sure I did the right thing. Not sure I should have told them anything.
There’s a long silence before Dad speaks. “Wow… I’m…I’m in shock here.” He shakes his head, confused, “I’m sorry if you feel like we expect certain things of you, Pumpkin. You’re mother and I might not always show it in the right way, but we love you. Isn’t that right, Paulette?” As always, it’s Dad who understands. Dad who gets it.
Mom doesn’t. “I want to meet him. Invite him to dinner, Annabel.”
Nausea churns in my stomach. I don’t want Tegan to meet her. I don’t want him to see me through her eyes. “Why?”
“You say this boy is a trainer? At the gym?”
Oh. Now, I get it. She doesn’t think I’m good enough for him. What would a boy who likes to work out want with me? It hurts so much, all of it that I can’t hold it back any longer. “So you haven’t even seen him and he’s too good for me? Just like the pageant was too good for me too? What if I wanted to do it, Mom?” I’m not yelling because I don’t have it in me. I just really want to know. I need to know.
She sighs. “Annabel, I never said he’s too good for you and the pageant… You wouldn’t have wanted to do it anyway.”
“What is she talking about, Paulette?” Dad interrupts.
“They had an open space and asked if Annabel would like to participate. I know our daughter, so I told them no. End of story.”
I try to talk past the shake of my chin. “You lied and told them I wasn’t available. You thought it would embarrass me? Why would it embarrass me if it’s not because I’m not pretty enough? If I’m not skinny or perfect enough?”
“Oh, Pumpkin. You’re beautiful. You have to know that. Both your mother and I think so.”
Mom looks from Dad, to me. “Of course, I’m the bad guy again. You’re completely twisting what I said, Annabel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call to make.”
Without another word, she walks out of the room and I’m on the floor in a heap, tears finally falling from my eyes. Dad’s arms come around me, trying to comfort me, but it makes me cry more. I start mumbling. I don’t get why she hates me. Why she’ll never love me. All I want is to be enough for her.
“Shh, pumpkin. Your mom doesn’t hate you and you are enough. Don’t you ever think otherwise.”
I hadn’t realized I spoke out loud. With the heel of my hand, I try and wipe my tears away, but more keep falling.
“She doesn’t know how to express herself very well. She just shuts down, but that’s not your fault. It’s something she needs to work on, but none of this is your fault. I’m damn proud of you, kiddo, and she is too. I’ll talk to her. I’ll fix it.”
For the first time, I realize he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand me. My poor dad doesn’t understand her either.
I pull away, shoving the tears aside. “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t want you to fix it. Don’t you see? You’re always trying to make things easier on me and as much as I appreciate it, I have to do it for myself.”
Dad frowns, and I notice the wrinkles around his mouth for the first time. “Do I do that? Make you feel inferior? That’s never been my intention.”
As much as it kills me to hurt him, I have to be honest. He might be the only person in this world beside Tegan that I feel comfortable enough to be honest with right now. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I know you didn’t mean it.”
I’m shocked with the intensity of his hug as he pulls me close to him. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I love you and I believe in you and I hope you know I never wanted to make you feel like I didn’t think you could take care of yourself. I’m not sure if you realize it, but I think you can do just about anything in this world, Annabel.”
Then I’m squeezing him just as tight as he’s squeezing me. Eventually I’m going to have to stand up to Mom, talk to Em, but right now, all that matters is Dad and me. I’ve crossed my milestone and there’s no one else I’d rather have holding me at the finish line.
“Your mom… she’s built differently than we are emotionally, but I promise, she does love you.”
I nod pretending I believe him. He needs me to believe him because he loves us both
.
“But I do agree with your mother on one thing. I want to meet the boy who’s special enough to catch your attention.”
Chapter Eighteen
FIGHTING WITH WORDS HURTS MORE THAN FISTS
Talking to Em will be much easier than talking to Mom. At least that’s what I tell myself when I text her that we need to talk. She replies right away and I arrange to pick her up.
“Hey,” she mumbles when she climbs into my car. The slight catch in that one little word tells me how hurt she is. How left behind she feels because she knows something is up. That I’ve been doing something without her while using her for an excuse. The word ‘hey’ vibrates through me, causing little waves of guilt to ripple inside.
She doesn’t ask where we’re going and I don’t offer. I know Em and right now, she’s not up for small talk. Or maybe I’m just being all cowardly lion because I’m honestly freaked out to talk to her. What if she doesn’t understand? What if I’ve ruined the friendship that has saved me so many times because I’ve turned into a liar? A shudder rips through me because if it happens, I probably deserve it. Em doesn’t need many people in her life, but I know she needs me. By cutting her out of this, she’s going to think I don’t need her in the same way.
Instead of bringing her to our spot, I bring her to mine and Tegan’s jogging place. I know he’s at work, so he won’t be here and I don’t want to risk another ‘near Billy experience’ like we had at the pond last time. Without a word she gets out of the car. I follow, walking to the little hideaway Tegan and I found.
“So? What’s up? I’ve been downgraded from BFF to your excuse to go hang out with whoever you hang out with now?” Her hood is up and she’s facing away from me, sitting on top of a picnic table.
My heart is going crazy the way it did on those first runs with Tegan, but for a totally different reason. “You’ll always be my best friend, Em.” I sit beside her. “I just… I know it sounds stupid and probably makes no sense, but I just needed to keep this to myself for a while. I needed to navigate it on my own without anyone else telling me what to do.”
