by Paul Bailey
Contents
Saturday Evening
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday – Friday – Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday – Wednesday – Thursday – Friday
Saturday Evening
Friday
Author’s Note
Acknowledgements
A Note on the Author
By the Same Author
In fond memory of
Sandra Davis Sinclair
1933–2006
Saturday Evening
So here he was at last, where he had long feared to be.
He heard a gentle voice assuring Mr Chapman that he was in the safest of safe hands, that he would be receiving the best care in the world.
— My name is Nancy Driver, that same voice informed him. — Sister Nancy Driver. I and my nursing team will be looking after you.
— Yes?
— Yes, yes. Day and night. Night and day.
Should he offer thanks in advance? Should he even say anything?
— No need to speak. Leave everything to us.
— Yes?
— Yes, Mr Chapman.
— I am very tired, he said after a silence, angrily.
— Of course you are. Don’t tire yourself further. You need rest.
— I suppose I do.
Suppose? ‘Suppose’ was one of Harry Chapman’s most-used words, to the irritation at times of his friends and relatives. He liked to suppose where others stated, secure in their certainties. He favoured suppositions, those delicate stepping stones towards truth. He supposed, now, that he needed the rest Sister Driver was proposing. Was there, in fact, an alternative to consider?
— You’re smiling, Mr Chapman. That’s good.
— Is it? Why?
— You are very inquisitive, Mr Chapman.
— I am. I always have been.
He wanted to add ‘I always will be’, but a sudden sense of the inappropriateness of such a remark prevented him.
— I’m a questioning spirit, Sister Driver. That’s what I’m noted for.
— Smiling is good because it shows you have a positive attitude.
When was it, in his lifetime, that people first spoke of attitudes that are either positive or negative? In his childhood, they were happy or sad, those people, depending on their characters. No one, then, described a miserable neighbour as having a negative attitude, and his limitlessly cheerful Aunt Rose, who looked on the bright side when there was no brightness visible, would have been mystified to hear that her attitude to the problems she refused to acknowledge with more than a few slightly clouded moments of reflection was of the positive kind.
— I am of a melancholy disposition, Sister Driver. My smiles aren’t what they seem.
— Is that the case? Are you a mischief maker, Mr Chapman?
— Possibly.
— My daddy was the same, bless his soul. My poor mother never knew quite where she was with him. He liked to talk in riddles.
— You’ll find that I make myself clear, Sister Driver. Or may I address you as Nancy?
— Of course you may.
— It’s such a resonant name to my old ears.
— My parents were fond of the song ‘Nancy with the Laughing Face’. That’s how I came by it.
— Really? I can’t recall why Frank and Alice saddled me with Harry. But Harry I am, and Harry is what I want you to call me.
— I shall. Thank you, Harry. I’ll leave you to rest. Try and sleep.
He’d wanted to continue with the banal conversation, to hear more about Nancy’s mischievous daddy and bewildered mother. There are times, and this was one of them, when even a man as sophisticated as Harry Chapman requires nothing more from life than trivial chit-chat, the constant trickle of the insignificant. He could tell already that Sister Nancy was a skilled practitioner in the art of saying the sweet and comforting words of little consequence and he was grateful, he supposed, for her artistry. Yes, gratitude, for the moment, was in order.
He dozed, and very soon the ward, with its monitors and forbidding instruments of healing, evaporated. He was no longer in bed, but walking – slowly, of necessity – through dense fog. It was a pea-souper, a London particular, and he was making his wary way homewards. He covered his nose and mouth with the handkerchief his mother had ironed that November morning, but it offered only meagre protection against the foul and poisonous air that was soon filling his lungs. The faint light of a street lamp on the corner near the gasworks gave him his bearings – he had only to turn left, then right, and he would be warm and comfortable again, breathing easily as he sat on his special chair at the kitchen table, ready and eager for his evening meal. What would it be tonight? A stew, he hoped, with chunks of meat and diced winter vegetables and pearl barley. There might be dumplings, too.
He quickened his step, spurred on by the grumbling noises in his belly. The familiar road seemed to have gained more houses, barely discernible though they were, and the usually modest front gardens, drab at the year’s end, now boasted exotic shrubs. Where, oh where, was number 96? He had recently read the fairy tales collected by the Brothers Grimm and he was given to wonder if some malevolent giant or witch had spirited number 96 away, complete with his mother and sister Jessie as well as the family who occupied the rooms on the ground floor. He smiled at the fanciful notion, even as he realised that numbers 94 and 98 stood next to each other, with nothing in between. His home and family had gone, taking his supper with them. He felt like weeping for the stew he was destined never to eat.
— Harry?
Whose voice was this? It was too soft and low to be his mother’s or sister’s, or indeed any of his women friends.
— Harry, it’s Nancy.
— Who?
A moment passed before he recognised Sister Driver, who was stroking his hand and smiling. He was back in the ward. There were screens around his bed, and a cherubic-looking man with dark curly hair was standing beside her, holding a clipboard.
— Harry, meet Dr Pereira.
— Pereira?
— My father is Spanish.
— But you have a Scots accent.
— That’s because my mother’s Scottish. She brought me up. Mr Chapman, I’m not here to talk about myself.
— Come closer, Dr Pereira. I want to get a good look at you.
The doctor stepped forward, and the patient stared at him intently before asking:
— Who is it you remind me of?
— I’ve no idea. Who is it I remind you of?
— Let me think.
— Please do, Mr Chapman.
— It’s a painting.
— A flattering one, I trust?
— Definitely.
— There you are, Dr Pereira, said Sister Driver.
— A fresco. That’s it. A fresco.
Yes, yes, a fresco, in Italy, first sighted during that marvellous late summer and early autumn of 1968, when he walked contentedly in Mediterranean sunlight, even while the sky was overcast.
— Your double is in the Brancacci Chapel in the church of Santa Maria del Carmine. He’s on the far right of the fresco called The Dispute with Simon Magus and he’s staring straight out at the viewer with his large brown eyes. He is the painter himself, Filippino Lippi, according to the experts.
— Where is this church?
— In Florence.
— Perhaps I shall see it one day.
— You could be Lippi’s reincarnation.
— Let’s talk about you now, Mr Chapman, if you please.
He listened as best he could to what Dr Pereira was telling him. An enema might be necessary, an e
ndoscopy would certainly highlight the problem, but there were other possibilities.
— I am going to give you an injection. It will relax you and make you feel drowsy.
Sister Driver located a vein in his right arm, swabbed it, and then the doctor inserted the needle, assuring Mr Chapman that he would pass a relatively comfortable night.
How relative was relatively, and how comfortable comfortable? he was tempted to ask. He had spoken too much already and had exhausted himself remembering the face of Filippino Lippi for the benefit, if such it was, of Dr Pereira. He would save his breath.
The good Sister Nancy plumped up his pillows and told him Dr Pereira, who had now left, was the pride of the hospital, despite his being so young. He had a bright future, if anyone had. He was certain to climb to the top of the medical tree.
— You mark my words, Harry.
Oh, he’d mark her words if it were possible, if he lived well into the doctor’s bright future, which he very much doubted he would. He was seventy, for Christ’s sake, and Filippino Lippi’s lookalike was in his twenties, it seemed. He remembered, then, that Alice had died in her ninetieth year and that the lifeline on the palm of his right hand promised longevity. Was that a promise Nature intended to keep?
— I hope not, he surprised himself by muttering.
— Do you want something, Harry?
— No.
What he wanted was to be out of this place, out of this bed, out in the world once more, himself entire. Those were his four wants at this precise moment, and obviously not to be granted.
— Want on, as his mother was fond of saying. Just you want on, Harry.
Was it courtesy of Dr Pereira’s wonder drug that he was hearing her now, her naturally harsh voice sharpened by hurt and disappointment? No night could be comfortable in her presence, not even relatively, and if Dr Pereira, he of the curly hair and steady brown gaze, were here her son would tell him so.
— That was always your trouble, wanting what you couldn’t have.
— Rest, rest, perturbèd spirit, he said, relishing her confusion.
He savoured the silence that followed. The injection appeared to be taking effect, for his whole body was suddenly weightless. He was floating on the surface of a calm sea.
Or so he imagined, until another voice, as faint as it was hoarse, spoke his name.
— Who are you?
He was curious to identify the stranger.
— You don’t recognise me?
— I can scarcely hear you.
— I have not much to say. I have no reason to speak louder.
He thought he detected a subtle American twang, suggestive of a refined New England upbringing, perhaps.
— Then why are you bothering to talk to me?
— I am bothering to talk to you because I cannot – no, I must not – be bothered.
— Did I meet you in New York?
— You have met me in many places. We have been companions of a kind in London and in Rome and once, I do believe, in Calcutta. I am unusually verbose tonight. I am, usually, a man of very few, necessary words. That is my customary condition.
And this is madness, Harry Chapman thought, to be communing with someone who never lived, except in the pages of a little book.
— Are you still there?
He was relieved that there was no answer. Of course Bartleby wasn’t there. It had been the purest lunacy to have imagined that he ever was.
The drowsiness Dr Pereira had predicted now overcame him. Sleep, welcome sleep, was bearing him gently away.
— Thank you, Doctor.
— My pleasure.
For an hour and more it was as if he was no one. He slept as a newborn baby is said to sleep, in that blessed time before memory, before the dawning of consciousness. His heartbeat was regular, his breathing normal. The equipment at his bedside registered tranquillity to the nurse on duty.
He awoke at five thirty in the morning, wondering where he was.
Sunday
There was a church not far from the hospital, its bells summoning the faithful to celebration and prayer. He loved churches, always had, even after he’d shaken off the notion of a God who actually cared about the sorrows and trials of humankind. He recalled, now, his childhood visits to St Mary’s, nestling in a bend of the Thames. He had been baptised there, ‘born of water and the spirit’, on a cold March Sunday, and it was there, during his school’s Christmas service of thanksgiving, thirteen years onwards, that he stepped into the pulpit and recited from memory some lines of Milton – the fourth and fifth stanzas of his Hymn on the Morning of Christ’s Nativity.
No War, or battles sound
Was heard the World around,
The idle spear and shield were high up hung;
The hookèd chariot stood
Unstain’d with hostile blood,
The Trumpet spake not to the armèd throng . . .
— What was that you were mumbling, Mr Chapman? It sounded very old-fashioned, the little I could make of it.
— It’s a poem, Nurse. It’s been in my head for more than fifty years along with a hundred others.
— Are you a professor?
— I was called the Professor when I was young. It was a family joke. My nose was forever in a book, my mother said.
— I wish my son read books.
— What does he do instead?
— Plays games on his computer.
— When is Sister Driver back on duty?
— You miss her, do you? Is there a romance blooming?
— Yes to the first question, no to the second.
— She’s on tonight, you naughty man.
Oh, the coquetry of the nursing profession. He corrected himself: the coquetry of some members of the nursing profession. At least Nurse Mullen wasn’t calling him ‘sweetheart’ and ‘darling’, the terms of endearment that signalled certain death.
He waited for the first ‘sweetheart’, the first ‘darling’, from Nurse Mullen’s noticeably thin lips. They were not, as yet, forthcoming.
— It isn’t every patient who spouts poetry to himself.
‘To spout’: the verb was one of his mother’s favourites. Whenever she saw him act, she accused him of spouting. He pictured a jet of words, like the foam a whale emits, gushing from his mouth.
— Why did you say that?
— Say what, Mr Chapman?
— ‘Spouts poetry’. Why ‘spouts’?
— Well, it stands to reason, if you think about it.
— Please explain.
— Well, poetry isn’t a normal way of speaking, is it? I’m not talking in verses, am I? That’s the reason poetry’s always spouted when it’s read out loud.
— Ah, yes. Thank you.
— You’ve got a wicked smile on your face.
— It’s not on my arse, Nurse Mullen.
— I’m going to love you and leave you. Doctor will be coming round shortly.
He returned her ridiculous, coquettish wave. He felt like blowing her a ridiculous, coquettish kiss but refrained from doing so. The pain in his gut had returned, barring all attempts at levity.
— Christ Almighty, he whispered.
No earthly use invoking the son of God, he thought. He and his ancient pa won’t waste their celestial time on an old reprobate like you.
— Good morning, Mr Chapman. And how are we feeling today?
— We? I’m not royal, I do assure you. I am a common or garden queen and a lifelong republican.
— I am here to offer you spiritual comfort, if you require it.
— How very kind, Reverend. I am sorry to disappoint you but I have my own spiritual resources. I shall be my own comforter. You’re Roman Catholic, I assume. You made the sign of the cross when I exposed myself as an ordinary queen.
— Yes. I am Father Terence.
— Allow me to ask you a theological question, if I may.
— Please do.
— When I was five years old I nearl
y died of diphtheria. It was one of the diseases that afflicted poor families. My mother became a regular churchgoer – Anglican, Father – throughout the eighteen months I waited for death’s door to open. If it had opened, as it almost did, where would I have gone to all those years ago?
— Were you a good little boy?
— I had no desire to be bad.
— Then I think a home would have been found for you in heaven.
— Not limbo?
— No, Mr Chapman. I am not alone in regarding limbo as a literary concept. You had been baptised, yes?
— Yes.
— Heaven, without a doubt.
— Oh, Father Terence, what a happy little soul I might have been, playing with my other infant friends for all eternity. Are toys allowed up there?
— Toys lead to squabbles and envy. No toys. Just you as you were born, naked and unadorned and blessed by the Holy Spirit.
— And look at me now, as unblessed as you can get. I am wasting your time. There must be people in here in serious need of your attentions. Thank you for talking to me.
— God bless you.
That was the longest conversation he’d had with a priest in years, he realised when the amiable Father Terence departed. He’d had no cause to converse with clerics, to put it pompously. He had spoken nothing less than the beautiful truth when he’d told the father he had his own spiritual resources. Step forward sweet-tempered George Herbert, heartless but transcendental John Donne, radiant and disconsolate Christopher Smart, virginal sexpot Teresa of Ávila, stoical Marcus Aurelius. His chorus line of comforters was unending.
— He seemed a nice man for a Catholic, he heard his mother say. — Why everyone can’t be Church of England is something I’ve never understood. I’m glad you were polite to him. You can be so rude to clergymen when you want to.
— Mea culpa.
— What are you talking about? You do it to annoy me, speaking foreign. And why did you have to tell that Holy Father you nearly died of diphtheria? You have a morbid streak, Harry. You always did have.
— Always?
— As far back as I can remember. I swear you came out of my womb in a temper. You didn’t look pleased to be here.
— I wanted his expert opinion. He gave it to me. He said I would have gone to heaven if, if –
