His mouth flew open; his hands went to his hips. “Seriously? What we are you talking about? Because last time I checked, you were too busy chasing your fairy tale with Dr. Dan for there to be a we anymore.”
“That’s not fair, Nathan. We’re still friends. I care about you.” I turned and pointed to the closed door. “You think he cares about you? That user out there?”
“He was there for me when this shit with Charlotte and the restaurant was going down.”
“I was there for you.”
He scoffed. “Okay.” He paced to his dresser and leaned an elbow on it. “You keep telling yourself that, when you haven’t even called to see how I’m doing.”
I opened my mouth to speak but sighed instead. This guilt trip was not what I had come there for, and my blood pressure pushed the limits. “I’m sorry. What’s happening with the case?”
“It dragged on just long enough for me to lose the offer from Savoy.”
I took a couple of steps toward him. “Oh, Nathan, I’m sorry.”
“Hey, I didn’t need the pressure of starting at a new place anyway.”
I could see in his eyes that he didn’t mean those words. I prayed his loss of ambition would be fleeting, and then I gave him a tight smile.
“What about Charlotte?”
“She dropped her case. Bruce said she quit and is moving back to Dallas to live with her parents.”
“That’s great. So you still have your job.” I stopped myself from asking why he hadn’t called to tell me.
“Yep. Why do you think we’re celebrating?”
Heat churned up inside me. “Is that what this is about? Are you insane?”
“Hey, don’t give me any crap about it. We’re just blowing off a little steam now that it’s over.”
My hands ran across my face; my chin fell. I couldn’t believe he’d come full circle. Is the fact that I’m here proof that I’ve come full circle? It would have made sense for him to take this dive if he’d lost everything. But he still had his job. Charlotte left and the nightmare was over. There’d be other offers like Savoy. So why had he turned to Kevin? “Is this about me?” I said with quiet hesitance.
His guilty expression gave me the answer before he hid it away. That was the last thing I needed. Holding back a reaction, an emotion, brought the tremors back. I swallowed past the hard lump. I clasped my hands together and turned my back on him.
“Aw, shit.” He came up behind me as I reached for the door. “Gray, it’s okay. It’s not your problem. Besides, I’m all good.” His hands hooked my shoulders, and he pulled me into his chest. “What the hell…you’re shaking.” He spun me around and locked his eyes on mine. Then his head shook slowly. “This isn’t just about me, is it? Why did you come here?”
Afraid I’d break down, I just let my face fall. He would know. He always did.
He took my face in his hands; I grabbed onto his forearms.
“Something happened,” he said. Then his eyes darted away in anger. “I swear if Dr. Dan—”
“No. He didn’t do anything. Please, I don’t want to talk. You know I can’t…I just…”
He pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around me. “It’s okay. I know, Gray. I get it.”
I’d hoped turning to Nathan would bring me some sense of relief, but instead, I felt guilt…betrayal. Daniel would have wanted me to talk—the last thing I was ready to do. But this seemed so selfish.
“I’m sorry I came here.” I pulled back and avoided his gaze. “I shouldn’t have.”
I opened the door and paced to the living room.
Kevin glanced back curiously, raising a beer bottle in my direction. “Leaving so soon?”
“Shut up, Kev,” Nathan said, hot on my trail.
I paused at the door; Nathan took hold of my wrist.
“Gray, wait. Please don’t go.”
Resistance wasn’t an issue. My pride? Almost nonexistent. I didn’t want to be alone, but where else could I go? Daniel would be in his office, probably busy with a patient. I’d promised to have dinner with him that night. Something normal. I can’t go back to being his patient. I can’t have him look at me that way. I let Nathan pull me from the door, lead me over to the couch. I just need a distraction…just for a little while until Alyssa gets home.
“Sit,” he said and then headed back toward the kitchen. “I’m making you brunch.”
I eased down on the couch, on the opposite end of Kevin. He picked up the remote and clicked off the TV. His eyes wandered over me and settled on mine. A pleased expression and nod substituted for words. He remembered what I’d tried to forget.
The banging of pots shot both our heads in Nathan’s direction. “After we eat, you’re cleaning up this fucking mess, Kev.”
“I’ll wash, you dry?” Kevin said to me in a husky voice.
“I think you can handle it alone,” I said.
He scooted toward me, leaned back on the couch, and faced forward. “I know you’ve changed…but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. Maybe I’ve changed, too.”
Or maybe that’s a bullshit line to get in my pants. “I’ll kill you if you hurt Nathan,” I said matter-of-factly. “How about that?”
He returned his attention to me. “Hey, he’s been through a lot, and who’s been there for him? Me, that’s who.”
I glanced around the room and stopped when I came back to the glasses and bottles on the coffee table. “Yeah, you’ve done a stellar job getting him through it.”
“Hey, don’t knock it, babe.” He gestured toward the kitchen. “Look at him over there cooking up a freakin’ storm like he loves…Smiling, still has his job. He’s not doing so bad.”
I nodded. We had managed to have a few good times, the three of us, and gotten each other through a lot of crap.
“He’s even got me looking for a job.”
I raised an eyebrow, and he laughed. His relaxed, friendly smile took me back to when we’d first met so long ago.
“I hope it works out for you.”
“Thanks, that means a lot.”
The smell of onion and bacon floated over, reminding me I hadn’t eaten since the dinner at Dad’s. When Kevin’s gaze lingered too long on mine, I popped up from the couch. “Smells good,” I said, wandering over.
“Don’t ever use the word ‘good’ when referring to my cooking.” Nathan flashed me a grin and a wink.
“Sorry, I forgot.”
Standing, I watched him perform like old times—hands stirring and shaking and mixing like a choreographed dance. We exchanged sporadic smiles. Thank God for no talking.
When all was prepared and plated, Nathan called Kevin over. Nathan and I set the table while Kevin went to work on something in the kitchen. When he joined us at the table, he set down glasses of an orange drink in front of us.
“Tequila Sunrise. Maybe my new job should be a bartender.”
“I’m good with water, thanks.” My eyes darted to Nathan. Somehow I expected him to say something.
“Your choice, babe,” Kevin said. He left the drink in front of me, but retrieved a water bottle from the kitchen as well.
The three of us sat and ate like the most normal friends in the world. Kevin talked about his job prospects. Nathan filled me in on what was happening at the restaurant. By the middle of the meal, the novelty wore off. My mind drifted toward all I had been running from. I turned my focus toward the messy kitchen, my thoughts going back to Noah that day in our kitchen. The constriction in my chest returned, and my breathing labored.
“You okay?” Nathan asked.
I nodded, then found myself reaching for my drink. It had been months since I’d had alcohol. I hadn’t sought it out. Something to calm myself sat right in front of me. Was that so terrible? An image of Daniel flashed in my mind as I took the first sip. Would he say this was exactly what I longed for? I breathed through the guilt, taking another, waiting for that relief to seep into my needy veins. We remained at the table even after we
all finished.
Kevin eyed my empty glass. “Another, babe?”
I kept my eyes clear of Nathan and nodded. That’s it. Just one more. Just to get me through.
Kevin set the drink in front of me and went to work on clearing the table. “You guys go ahead. I got this,” he said.
Nathan and I looked at each other, shrugged, and then got up from the table. The gesture didn’t have me completely fooled or trusting Kevin, but I didn’t have the energy to analyze his motives.
I finished my drink on the sofa sitting next to Nathan, leaning on him literally and figuratively. Just as I’d always done. My head grew light enough to bring me to a comfort zone, but not so removed that I didn’t comprehend what I did. This safe haven couldn’t shelter me forever. The world outside waited, and so did Daniel…and Alyssa, who counted on me. Why, I had no idea.
Nathan used the remote to turn music on and drown out the sound of Kevin doing the dishes. “I know you don’t want to talk, but you can tell me if you change your mind.”
I didn’t answer, as my eyes grew heavy. The hours of no sleep caught up to me. The smooth melody lulled me, my body becoming more limp with every second until I finally slipped into darkness.
Sometime later my eyes popped open. I registered a noticeable increase in my heart rate. I’d been dreaming, but thankfully, I couldn’t grab hold of the memory. I could thank the tequila and Kevin’s portioning for that.
Nathan sat next to me but had scooted to the edge of the cushion, leaning over the coffee table.
I rubbed my eyes, attempting to get my head straight. “What time is it?” I pushed forward next to him. “What the hell?” I said, spotting the lines of white powder in front of him. The drinking was one thing, but I had no idea things had gone this far.
Nathan squeezed my thigh. “Just a little hit to get me through my shift tonight.”
“Where’s my phone?” I 360ed the room in a panic. My memory had fallen out of my head along with my judgment. “What time is it?”
“Calm down, Gray. It’s only like four o’clock.”
“Shit!” I racked my brain for whether or not I needed to pick Alyssa up from school. I jumped from the couch, pushing aside my worry for Nathan. Pacing around the room, I gathered my things and headed to the door. “I have to go.”
“Hold up.” Nathan ran to meet me at the door. “I didn’t know you had to be somewhere. Thought you could use the rest.”
“It’s okay. Thank you.” I honestly wasn’t sure a thank you fit the situation, given all I’d seen and experienced, but the expression on his face somehow needed it.
I called and texted Alyssa on my way to the car with no response, even as I drove in a panic home. I attempted to make myself more presentable, glancing in my mirror a few times to check my hair and makeup. Further upsetting her, especially with her mom due back soon, would be selfish. I’d hold it together for her sake.
At my door, I took in a deep breath, hoping for the relief of Alyssa being home safe but also dreading her questioning looks about where I’d been. But when I opened the door, the situation proved much worse than I’d expected.
“Daniel?”
CHAPTER 20
--------------------------
Daniel
A surprised and weary-looking Gray entered the apartment, gaping at Alyssa and me.
“What are you doing here?”
Based on her reaction to me being there unannounced, I paused, carefully considering my words. I didn’t want to put her on the defensive.
“I called him,” Alyssa said, coming from the kitchen. “You were supposed to pick me up today.”
“Oh, God, I’m sorry.” She placed her purse and keys onto a small table by the door. “I thought Austin was bringing you home.”
“No, I told you he has science nerd club on Fridays. I called you, too. Why didn’t you answer?”
Gray stood guarded by the door, her eyes darting to mine as Alyssa spoke. She showed me a relaxed grin, but it didn’t reassure me of anything. Before she’d arrived, Alyssa had told me that Gray had acted strangely before school and seemed distant. Months ago, that could have been considered somewhat normal. “I’m sorry. I needed to stop by the office, and I guess I didn’t hear it.”
“Whatever. I’m going to my apartment to put clean sheets on Mom’s bed so it’s ready for her.”
I followed Alyssa to the door and waited for her to leave. Then I took Gray into my arms and held her. “I’m glad she called,” I said against her cheek. “I’ve missed you.”
Her body tensed beneath my hold—the opposite of what I’d intended. She didn’t respond to what I’d said, so I released her to look her in the eyes.
“How are you?”
With a slight raise of her brow, she said, “Fine.”
Her tone alone indicated her readiness to talk about what she’d told me on the phone. I decided to give her some time. “We still on for tonight?”
“Oh…uh.” She stepped away and went toward the kitchen. I turned and followed.
“I made reservations at The Edge. I think it’s far enough south that we shouldn’t have to worry too much about seeing anyone.”
She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of tea. “Can I get you a drink?”
“No, thank you.” I sat on a bar stool, waiting for her response, fighting the urge to analyze her every movement and expression. Of course, I wanted to help her, if that was what she needed. Most of all, I just wanted to be with her, and to have her back the way she was before she heard this news.
She opened the tea and took a small sip, her eyes watching me watch her. We’d played that game too many times. She leaned back against the counter. “So, you don’t have any more appointments today?”
I smiled. “Nope, I’m all yours. So, what about dinner?”
“I’m not sure if I should leave Alyssa for that long. It’s kind of far, and she might want me to help get the apartment ready.”
This awkward dance we’d stepped back into edged my frustration levels higher. “You’ve got the weekend for that, right? Besides, she has plans tonight.”
“She does?”
“Yes, ma’am. Rita wanted me to ask Alyssa to help her drop some things at the children’s hospital tonight. They’re going to grab food after.”
“Oh…that’s nice. Alyssa will love that.”
“She seemed pretty excited about it.” I leaned forward across the counter, reaching my hands out to hers. When she came forward and took them, I smiled again, wider this time. “So dinner?”
“That sounds nice,” she said, nodding, her face relaxing into the moment. “How much time have I got? I’m a wreck, and that place is nice.”
Her tired eyes gave her away before she said it. I couldn’t help but wonder if she really had been at work. “You look beautiful, but our reservations aren’t until seven. I’ll take Alyssa over to my sister’s, help them load everything up, maybe hang out there for a while to give you some time. I’ll be back here around six. How’s that?”
“That’s perfect. Thank you.”
We were going through the motions, saying and doing all the right things, but something just felt off. I got up and went around the counter. Her eyes turned away when I got close.
“Gray…is there anything you want to talk about?” I brushed my hand down her cheek as she barely shook her head.
She watched me with those penetrating green eyes that somehow were both telling and secretive.
“Did you find out anything more…did something else happen? You just seem so…distant.”
“I know…I’m sorry. Like I told you, I just need time. I can get through this.”
“Gray, after all we’ve been through, why does it still sound like you’re going through this alone? We can get through this together. I know you need time, but please don’t push me away. I couldn’t take it if…” I sighed. “I’m sorry. Never mind.”
Finally, a spark of something in her eyes. “What w
ere you going to say?”
It would only make things worse to bring up my past and my own insecurities at that point. I should have been more careful with my words. “I’m just so afraid of losing you, and all I want to do is make you happy.”
“You do make me happy, Daniel.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me into her. I held her tight around her waist and buried my face in her hair and neck. Despite that I’d practically guilted her into submission, I let myself have the moment of relief. “I love you, Gray.”
“I love you, too,” she said, so quiet I barely heard her. Then she pulled back and kissed my cheek. “I have a few work things to take care of before I get in the shower.”
I gave her the time and space she needed by going next door to check on Alyssa. While she tidied up in the apartment, I took the opportunity to ask her a few questions about her mother’s return. Her short, vague answers might have been akin to a typical teen’s, but I sensed something more.
“You can tell me if I’m being too nosy, but are you feeling concerned about your mother’s return?”
“Concerned?” she said with a tilt of her head. “I’m not concerned about anything. I know how it’s going to go.”
“And how’s that?”
“I love my mom, but living with her kinda sucks.” She filtered through mail on the counter while she spoke. “She drags around here, complaining about her job, going out on the weekends, looking for the next loser to jack up our life.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Do you think it’s possible the accident changed her?”
“Yeah, actually I do. She has been acting different lately.” She looked up and stared blankly for a moment with knitted brows.
“What’s wrong?”
“The different doesn’t seem good. At least not good for me.”
I padded to the counter to stand next to her, reminding myself of this great kid who’d reached out to my niece in her time of need. “You know, Alyssa, sometimes we’re given a crappy hand in life. But it’s what we make of it that really counts. At some point you can decide you want more for yourself.”
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