One drink to help me relax, only so Alyssa wouldn’t worry.
I drank, paid, and left all in about three minutes’ time.
Driving home, I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. The relief the scotch had brought me made it easier. That morning, I’d called to check on Laurie’s release, and they’d told me she could go home Monday morning, a couple of days sooner than we’d expected. So we tapped the weekend to get everything ready for her arrival. Alyssa insisted on taking charge, assigning me as assistant and chauffeur. Keeping her mind busy meant less time stressing over the adjustment of having her mom back. During our last visit, I’d sent Alyssa off on an errand so I could be alone with Laurie, hoping to give her some idea of how hard this might be on Alyssa. Still somewhat closed off to me, she only said that everything would work out the way it should. Those words and the tone in which they were delivered left me with little confidence about her return.
By the time we reached the store, my light buzz had cleared. Thankfully, we sailed through the store, gathering everything on her list. Her demeanor radiated authority and responsibility. But when we stood in line to check out, her confidence wavered.
“How come it seems like my mom isn’t excited to come home?”
I’d thought the same thing, but wanted to stay positive for her sake.
“You think she’s not excited?”
She rolled her eyes. “Even I’m not that excited, but here I am rolling around a freaking grocery store like some stupid homemaker. At least she could pretend, too.”
I put my arm around her shoulders, pulling her into me. Is that what all families did—pretend their way through the relationship? My family might have been too far gone to salvage, but I couldn’t lose hope for Alyssa yet. “Maybe she’s just afraid to let you down. Bringing Teddy into your life and your home wasn’t the most responsible thing to do.” That last sentence may have been a mistake, but my filter had all but disappeared.
“Ya think?”
Our line moved up, and we began piling groceries on the belt. We didn’t talk the whole way home. I knew Alyssa was worried about her mom. I planned to keep my focus on her problems and as far away from my own as possible.
Back at the apartment, we unloaded the groceries from the bags and loaded them into the cupboards and fridge. With that complete, Alyssa had me go through and toss anything old from the kitchen while she dusted the furniture.
“Can I ask you something?” she said as she polished the coffee table.
“Sure.”
“Can I start staying here tonight?”
I dropped a moldy bag of bagels into the trash and looked at her in confusion. “Oh…I guess. Why?”
“I was just thinking that the first night will be…kind of hard and…I don’t know. I just want to.”
This blindside punched me in my stomach and left a hollow feeling in my chest. “I guess it’s okay, but maybe we should ask your mom.” I went back to my work, trying to make sense of why Alyssa would choose to leave me early.
“Gray?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to stay with you.” Had she read my mind? “It’s actually the opposite.”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s face it. Neither of us is excited about living together again…And I’d like to think you’re not excited to get rid of me.”
“I’m not.” If she only knew how much I didn’t want her to go.
“I just thought if I came over before she got here, then it wouldn’t be like she was taking me from you.”
“Alyssa, I don’t see it that way. She’s your mother.”
“I know. But I still want to. I think it will help me get used to it again before she’s here. I really do want to get along with her and be happy here.”
I tried to appear unaffected and not interfere with how she chose to handle it. “Okay. I’m sure you two will work it out.”
She went back to her dusting, and a few minutes later, her phone beeped. Her face lit when she glanced at the screen. “Austin is downstairs.” She hid her smile when she saw me notice. “He has some notes for me,” she said mellowly. The dust rag fell from her hands, and she paced to the door. “Be right back.”
With Alyssa gone, I wrapped up the kitchen area. I thought about her being there that night and me being in my apartment alone inside my head. I wasn’t ready to let go or face time in seclusion. For a moment, I considered telling her she couldn’t stay by herself. I brushed the idea away, and a second later, I found myself opening cupboards. I rummaged through those I hadn’t been in yet until I found what I sought in a cupboard above the refrigerator. I pushed over a huge bottle of cheap vodka and an almost empty bottle of tequila. Behind those a brand new bottle of whiskey called to me.
CHAPTER 22
--------------------------
Gray
With a half-filled glass of gold liquid in one hand and my cell in the other, I stared down at my contacts list. An hour earlier, I’d secured Alyssa in her apartment, where she’d planned to watch TV in bed until she fell asleep. She’d texted me a few times with things like What are you doing? or “Dirty Dancing” is on channel 356. I’d actually switched it on when I saw that text. For a while we both watched it and texted comments back and forth. Swayze on his knees, OMG, one of hers had read. I took sips of whiskey in between my replies until her final one told me she was falling asleep.
I hadn’t eaten much at dinner, giving the alcohol plenty of breathing room. My finger hovered over the screen and finally touched down on Daniel’s name. Sending a text challenged my blurry vision more than a call would, but I couldn’t risk having to form words in my current state.
I’m alone. Can you come over?
His reply immediately followed that he was on his way.
I rose from the couch, wobbling my way to the bathroom. After I did my business, I checked my condition in the mirror: eyelids heavy, hair a mess, and day-old clothes looking as tired as my face. Do I have time to sober up enough for Daniel not to notice? The main problem with that quandary was that I didn’t want to sober up. Daniel didn’t need a ton of clues. He knew me well enough to figure it out. So I went to work on plan B: becoming irresistible. I brushed my teeth and then staggered to my bedroom to change. Once I’d selected a sexy bra-and-panty combo, I pulled on a pair of snug white short shorts and a light blue scoop neck top.
I’d lost track of time, had no idea when Daniel had texted or even where I’d left my phone. So I switched on my stereo and poured another drink. Moments later, a knock at the door gave me my first smile of the night.
I tousled my hair on the way and opened the door to a stoic Daniel. He wore jeans and a casual long-sleeved gray shirt.
“Thanks for coming,” I said as I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.
His hand squeezed my arm, and we both froze for a moment in our closeness. His presence, his scent, the heat coming off his body—all things I’d been missing and wanting—called to me. That needy pull assembled low in my belly. Then he pulled back to look at me, but I turned my face away. I followed him to the kitchen, where I caught his eyes landing on my glass as he passed the table.
“Can I get you anything?”
“No, thank you.” He wandered to the couch, his head turning back and forth as if he were filming a CSI episode. “I was surprised to get your text,” he said as he sat. “Where’s Alyssa?”
“She decided to stay at her apartment these next two nights. I guess she’s…acclimating.” I amazed myself by getting the word out correctly.
“Are you all right with that?”
“Sure. I mean, whatever makes it easier for her. She’ll be back there Monday anyway, when her mom comes home.”
“I don’t imagine it will be easy for any of you.” The doctor studied me just as I’d expected, peering at me with those deep blue eyes that once turned my brain inside out. Now I saw that same look in them, yet he hadn’t uttered a word about me or
the drink he saw.
“She’s matured a lot with everything that’s happened.” I scooted closer as I spoke, until our legs touched. I leaned in and put my hand on his knee. “She’s a lot stronger than I am,” I said softly. Then I pressed my lips to his neck. “I have a lot of weaknesses…” I ran my hand along his thigh and then up his arm to his strong shoulder. “I need you, Daniel.” My hand landed on the back of his neck. I pulled him into a passionate kiss. His willing mouth accepted mine, igniting a fire fueled by lust, pain, need, and yes, strong whiskey.
Our kiss grew deep and desperate. His arm took my waist and pressed me into him. Heat traveled through me, goose bumps danced down my spine, and before my dizzy head knew what had hit me, hands pushed me back with a force.
“Is this the only reason you called me over here?” Daniel panted through his sentence and wiped at his mouth.
“Do you have a problem with that?”
He calmed his breathing as he narrowed his eyes on me. “I came so we could talk.”
I crawled back toward him, climbing halfway onto his lap, taking his face into my hands. “Please don’t say you don’t want me.”
He softened for a moment as I brushed my lips against his and pressed my breasts into his chest. Just let me close my eyes and forget.
“Of course, I want you, Gray,” he whispered into my mouth. “But I want all of you…not just your body. I’d hoped you were ready to open up to me tonight.”
“What I’m ready for is to be close again. That’s all I need right now.” I leaned forward to kiss him, and he turned his head away. My heart raced at seeing the disappointment on his face.
“Don’t do this to us, please,” he said. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“I’m not doing anything.” Hearing myself sound like a petulant child fueled my frustration. So did knowing he had a point. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t allow myself to become his patient again.
“No amount of whiskey…or sex…is going to make this go away.”
“There it is.” I pushed off his lap and the couch, heading for the table, intent on making him as angry as he’d made me. “Wow, I knew it was coming, but shit…hearing it come out of your mouth.” I picked up the drink and slammed the rest back, regretting it the moment I set the glass down.
Daniel rose from the couch, fury staining his face. “If you shut me out…”
“What? If I don’t talk there’s nothing else for us? Didn’t we agree that you were my boyfriend, not my shrink?”
“I’m not trying to be your shrink. I’m trying to be the man who said he loves you, dammit.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “Just talk to me. Give me a chance to see if I can help you.”
“I don’t want to talk! Don’t you get it? I did a horrible thing and—”
“It was an accident.”
“It doesn’t matter. It makes no difference if I was a child, or what my intentions were, or how much I loved him. I did it! I did it, and now he’s gone.” I swallowed past the growing lump in my throat. “I can’t undo it, no matter how many times I talk about it. It won’t change what I did, and it won’t change who I was.”
“I know…and I’m sorry.”
“I just have to figure out how to get past it in my own way.”
“And I’m here to help you do that.”
His words of kindness drowned in front of me. I could see nothing but the good doctor prodding at me to dissect my demons. “Are you?”
“Gray, I can help you get through it. Just like—”
Oh, God, if he says “like before”... My eyes blurred and burned, but I fought back the tears. I picked up the glass and threw it in his direction. It hit the wall and shattered, sending shards everywhere. “Just leave me alone, Daniel! Please.”
“I won’t.” He took a tentative step toward me. “Gray—”
“No! I want you to go.” I inhaled a deep breath and let it out, steeling myself. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this with you. Not your way.” I walked to the door and held it open. “I know what you’re scared of. I wish this wasn’t happening. But it’s not about you, and I’m not her.”
Daniel’s face registered the fear and pain I’d expected when I brought her up. He shook his head as he approached to leave, never taking his eyes from mine. He stopped in the doorway, defeat and sadness an ugly mask across his face. “You’re right, you’re not her. I love you, and I won’t give up on you. But we can’t do it this way. I can’t do this.”
I turned my face away until he stepped through the door and stopped on the other side. He gave me one last solemn glance over his shoulder before he walked away. My hands shook as I eased the door shut. Then my whole body vibrated as my legs gave way, and I fell to the floor. Why did I do that? Why did I push him away? Unable to fight it any longer, tears rolled down my cheeks. I hated myself for being so weak, so selfish, and I hated Daniel for walking out, even though I’d made him do it. He knew what I needed, yet he denied me! He wanted to save me. To make me his patient so he could save me like he couldn’t save her.
A few minutes later, my phone beeped. I scanned the room for its location. Spotting it on the side table next to the couch, I crawled to a stand and made my way over. A text from Daniel read, Please call me later. Let me know you’re okay.
I clicked it away, and there beneath his name I saw Nathan’s. I pressed the number to call, unsure if he worked or had the day off.
“Gray, hey.”
I didn’t know what to say to him or even why I’d called.
“Are you there?” he said.
“Yeah, I’m here. Can you come pick me up?”
“I’m at work…probably for another couple hours. Are you okay?”
“Oh, um…yeah.” I couldn’t stop the tremble in my voice. I walked to the sink with the phone to get a sip of water.
“Hey, I’ve got a minute. You wanna talk?”
Fucking talking! I took a quick drink to calm myself. “I…no...I just wanted to see you.”
“Let me see if I can work something out. Hang tight for me, all right?”
“Okay.”
“I’ll get back to you soon.”
On unsteady legs I went to the couch and lay down on my stomach. Tiny pieces of glass sparkled in front of me on the floor. I stared at them until my vision blurred, and everything went black.
A knock at the door permeated my sleep, but it took a few moments to realize what I’d heard. My body felt thick and heavy, but my head still spun. The knocking continued while I hauled myself up and staggered to the door. Has Daniel come back? The momentary hope vanished, replaced with guilt when I remembered I’d called Nathan. At least he’d come, and that gave me some comfort. But when I opened the door, my jaw dropped.
“Hey, babe. What happened to you?”
Seeing Kevin at my door shoved me closer to sobering up. How could Nathan send him here? Clearly, he’d lost all rationality, and his priorities had changed.
“Aren’t you going to let me in?”
“I’m still deciding.” I ran a hand through my hair, gaped at his smug mug, and opened the door wider.
He strolled in looking content and curious all at once. His snug white T-shirt evidenced increased gym time I hadn’t noticed the last time I saw him. “Nathan couldn’t get away so he asked me to come check on you.” He gestured to the broken glass. “Looks like I’m a little late.”
“I’d think this was standard SOP in your world.” I busied myself getting a bag and a dust broom. “Sorry you wasted your time, but I really just wanted Nathan.” Leaning down, I brushed the large pieces into the bag.
“Oh yeah, that’s not what he says.”
When I gazed up from his comment, I caught his eyes glued to my backside. “That’s not what I meant. I just needed to get out of here.”
He spread his arms wide as if offering himself as the consolation prize. “Hey, I can accommodate that.”
I got up to carry the bag of broken pieces over to the trash. My
legs felt like lead. After I dumped it, I turned and found Kevin bent over, sweeping the tiny fragments into the dustpan.
“I think I got them all,” he said, walking toward me. I lifted the can, and he dumped in what he’d collected.
“Thank you.”
He gave me one slow nod and a smile, then strode to the door. He opened it and turned back to me. “Well…are you coming or what?”
CHAPTER 23
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Gray
Somehow I let Kevin talk me into going to The Studio—a flashback seventies disco club complete with fitting music, a disco ball, and bartenders donning wide collars and bell-bottoms. Neither of us dressed the part, but I had changed before we left into cropped jeans and an animal-print top. Nathan wouldn’t be off for a couple of hours, so we had time to kill.
If Kevin was attempting to distract me, this place hit the mark in spades. With plenty to keep my eyes busy, I gazed around the room as we sat at the bar waiting. A female bartender with a tight, floral-print dress that barely covered her ass spotted Kevin and descended on us with a giant smile.
“Hey, Kevin. Long time no…” She eyed me with a serious glare. “Well, you know.”
“Cecilia, looking hot in that dress. It’s like a naughty episode of The Brady Bunch.”
“Really? That’s totally what I was going for.”
I pretended not to notice the spectacle happening next to me and focused on the dance floor, where a mini mob shook to “Stayin’ Alive.”
Cecilia eventually got around to asking us what we wanted. Kevin ordered us shots and beers without asking me first. Even so, when the drinks came, I willingly slammed back the shot and started on the beer. Kevin prodded me to dance, but I declined, checking my phone habitually for the next hour.
I felt his eyes on me while I pretended to be busy checking messages, waiting for my fresh new buzz to kick in.
“I’m not such a bad guy, Gray. I want you to know I’ve changed.”
I set the phone down and stared blankly at him. “I don’t know anything, Kevin, including why I’m even here.” I picked up the cell once again. “Maybe I should call a cab and head home.”
Liar Page 17
