“Caleb?” I asked quietly.
He looked at me. “Yeah?”
“Who do you talk to at home?”
“What do you mean?”
I scooted my head a smidgen closer to him on the pillow. “Who do you talk to? Who do you share your thoughts and worries with?”
Caleb turned over to face me. “I don’t know. Nobody I guess; not since my dad died. I talk to Simon but not with everything.”
I nodded.
“Why?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I don’t want you to be lonely.” I watched for a reaction to my concerns, but he just searched my face and stayed silent. “Are you lonely?” I whispered.
He had a ghost of a smile. “I’m not right now.”
“Me too.”
“Are you lonely at home?”
His eyes held mine and I let a wall down. “Sometimes.”
Genuine concern touched his eyes. “How are you lonely?”
I swallowed, afraid of opening up to this man the way I once did. Caleb’s hand touched my waist under the blanket and he held it there, rubbing his thumb in a gesture of comfort. I knew it was meant to be kind, but all I could focus on was his hand on me.
“Amy?”
“I feel like something is missing, almost like a part of me is missing. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“I can understand, especially after my dad died. I was so lonely and so depressed for a long time.” He spoke calmly and the sound of his voice was soothing.
“How did you get better? How did you feel whole again?” The thought of him being lonely upset me. I raised my hand to his chin and ran my fingers along his jaw.
Caleb didn't seem to mind my hand and kept talking. “Simon helped me a lot. He didn't give up on me, even when I lashed out at him a couple of times.” He looked past me as he continued. “I owe him a lot for helping me through. He was the one to suggest I get a dog. Sparkle helped me out of my misery as much as Simon. She was so tiny when I first got her. There were a few times I was unsure about keeping her, but once I got her trained, she was my constant companion.” Caleb smiled, and looked back at me, but his face fell after seeing me wipe my quiet tears away. “Oh, hey, it’s okay, Amy. Don’t beat yourself up about it.”
I shook my head. “How can you say that? I mean I knew she meant a lot to you but now, to hear all this…I’m so sorry.” I choked on the last of my words and turned my face into the pillow to hide.
Caleb took me into his arms. I moved the annoying bit of blanket he had put between us and nestled as close to him as I could get. My arms were between us at my chest and Caleb tucked my head under his chin. He kissed my hair and rubbed my back, as we lay close together.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. “It's just...I know you don’t get attached to anything easily.”
Caleb’s arms tightened around me.
“I’m so upset with myself, and sad for you,” I said.
“Shhh. Why don’t you try to get some sleep now, or you’ll be too tired to walk down the aisle with me tomorrow.”
I smiled at the idea and nodded against him.
“Amy?” Caleb whispered, after a few minutes.
“Hmm?” I was almost asleep.
“I’m glad you’re with me tonight.”
“Me too,” I said sleepily.
CHAPTER 14
CALEB
Amy’s breathing grew quiet and steady. I was glad she finally slept. She was pretty upset over losing Sparkle and even though I reassured her I was fine, I wasn’t.
Sparkle was my connection to Amy. In a way, it felt like Amy was always near. Now Sparkle was gone, and Amy would be gone too.
I studied her peaceful face and fear consumed me. I thought about my dad; he tried to hide the pain, but I knew better. At night sometimes, I would hear him call out for my mom, but he was just dreaming. Is that what was going to happen to me? Would I end up lonely and bitter over this girl?
“Caleb…” Amy mumbled.
I smiled at her sleep talk and hoped for more. I could listen to her forever. She had a depth, a charm that drew me to her. I could never resist her. Even now, watching her sleep, I felt drawn to her. I leaned in and gently touched her lips with mine. My eyes burned and I closed them, removing my lips from hers. Amy moved her head and burrowed her face against my chest. Then she sighed and grew still again.
I held her tighter as she slept on. My eyes were damp, raw, and tired, but I refused to close them. I wasn’t willing to miss a single second of her being this close to me. I had to watch her all day in Byron’s company and it made me crazy.
I knew Byron genuinely cared about her, but it couldn't be nearly the love I had for her. And as much as I hated it, Amy seemed happy with Byron. I wanted her for myself but I wanted her happiness more, and if Byron was making her happy, if he was the one for her; I had to let it be. Amy was everything to me, and when morning came, I’d have to let her go back to him. The idea had me shaking in no time. The jealousy taking over made me feel dangerous and I had to reel myself back in.
I focused on Amy again and my emotions got the better of me; once the tears started, I was unable to stop them. A battle between bliss and sorrow waged on. I had the love of my existence in my arms, but she wasn’t really mine, and in too short of time, I would have to let her go.
I didn’t want to give her up, not yet, not ever.
AMY
“Amy?” Caleb’s voice was close to my ear and I wrapped my arm around his warm body. “Amy?”
“Caleb,” I said with my eyes closed. I didn't want to open them yet. I didn't want to let Caleb go, or face the day ahead.
Caleb chuckled. “Are you going to sleep the day away?”
“Mmm, if we stay like this I might,” I mumbled.
“I think the best man and maid of honor might be missed.”
“They’ll survive,” I grumbled. Caleb chuckled again and rubbed my back. I leaned back and finally opened my eyes. It was still dark. “Why did you wake me already? What time is it?”
“The sun will rise soon, but I wondered if you wanted to take your turn ziplining?” Caleb's eyes were warm and happy as he brushed my hair back.
I reached up and touched under his eyes. “You look tired.”
“I didn’t sleep.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Were you uncomfortable or cold or something?”
Caleb’s arm pulled me closer and he kissed my forehead. “No, I wasn't uncomfortable.”
I put my hand on the side of his face and searched his eyes. “What was wrong?” I worried.
His eyes were intent. He stayed quiet for a minute before he answered. “Nothing was wrong. I just didn’t want to sleep.”
“You didn’t?” My heart pounded as I waited for his answer.
He brushed his thumb over my cheek and kissed my forehead again. “Do you want to do the zipline?”
I tried not to be disappointed he didn't answer my question, but the idea of ziplining with him this morning made me smile. “Right now? How would we get there?” I asked excitedly.
A cute pucker formed between his eyebrows. “I’m not sure actually…”
“Wait, I know who can arrange it. I wonder if the doors are unlocked yet…Could you go check?”
Caleb nodded before he climbed off. “I’ll be right back.”
“Wait,” I reached for his arm before he could walk away. “If you get in, ask a staff member for Holly, and tell her to meet me out here.”
Caleb looked curious but nodded and headed through the dark trees. I smiled as I watched his retreating form, unable to remember the last time I felt so whole and happy. The darkness was letting up in the east, and while I longed for the sun's heat, Caleb’s warmth through the night was much better.
Caleb was out of sight and guilt started wading its way to the surface. What would Byron say if he found out about last night? I was so determined to keep our relationship together and I’d done somethin
g that could jeopardize it. When it came down to it though, what were we supposed to do? The doors were locked and it was so late. I could’ve tried to wake Byron I suppose, but I chose Caleb instead.
I closed my eyes and remembered every detail of the night before. Caleb’s kindness, his laugh, and sweet smile; I never wanted to forget any of it.
My thoughts strayed from remembering, to imagining. How would it be to have Caleb’s arms around me and his lips on mine, him whispering my name? I remembered the brief kiss we shared the first time we met and I longed for it again.
“Amy?” Holly’s voice came through the trees before she did.
I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. She came closer with Caleb a step behind.
“Thank you for coming. Did we wake you?” I asked.
“No.” She glanced at Caleb and back to me. “What’s going on?” She raised an eyebrow at me.
“Is there any way you can arrange a jeep for us to go up to the zipline?”
Holly grinned knowingly. “You bet. Do you need an instructor?”
“No, we can manage, if you’ll allow it?” Caleb gave her a heartbreaking smile and Holly nodded dazedly.
“Yes, absolutely. Meet me out near the garages.” Holly winked at me and walked away.
Caleb followed her. I couldn't hear what they spoke about but he was all smiles when he returned. “Are you ready?” He held out his hand.
We drove away from the lodge with Holly waving behind us. She had pulled me aside before we left and assured me she would make my excuses if anyone came asking for me. I hugged and thanked her, and we were off.
The trail through the forest was dark as we made our way. Caleb mentioned something about his business back home and when I asked how he got his start on it all, I was surprised and touched by his answer.
Caleb looked at me for a moment before he said, “You.”
I drew back, bewildered. “Me? How could I have had anything to do with it?”
“You had everything to do with it, Amy. If it weren’t for you, for what you told me once, I’d still be grief stricken in a pointless life.” His knuckles grew white as he gripped the steering wheel a little tighter.
Six Years Earlier…
Caleb and I were lounging on our towels on the grass at the waterfall. My brothers’ and Olivia’s laughter echoed from the top of the waterfall. Simon and Katie stood near each other in the water, locked in a conversation.
I wasn't sure what was going on with Katie. She hadn't said much to me since breakfast when Caleb and I had returned from our “hike to watch the sunrise.” I had filled Katie in about the night I’d spent with Caleb and she snapped at me, said I shouldn't be getting close to Caleb the way I was. She didn't even apologize and stomped away, leaving me on the trail. I knew she was dreading the next day as much as I was, if not more, and I was sure it was getting to her.
I wondered how it would be, to be in a family that was not your own. Of course, we were her family, but not her true family. She never spoke about feeling lonely or sad over it, but it had to upset her sometimes; if it was me it would. Even I got upset at life now and then, and I really had nothing to complain about. I had a family who loved me, a live-in best friend and cousin, my friends at school all liked me. Why, then, did it feel like something was missing?
“You look pretty lost in thought over there,” Caleb’s voice drifted over.
I was on my back, elbows propping me up, and I looked at Caleb. He rested on his back as well, hands behind his head, and he was squinting at me.
I sighed and laid down, scooting closer to him. “Do you ever get sad about your life?”
Caleb raised his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Never mind.” I turned on my back and closed my eyes.
Caleb took my hand, his voice closer than before. “No, talk to me. What do you mean?”
Glancing at him once more, I saw that he was now on his side, head propped in his hand. “Do you ever feel lonely for no reason at all?” I asked. “I feel like something is missing in my life, but I don’t know what.”
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Yes. But I think my issues stem from my mother leaving.”
I nodded. Losing a parent, now matter how, would affect a person in so many ways throughout their life. “Yeah, that makes sense,” I agreed softly.
“Sometimes I get pretty upset about it. It makes me feel like I did something wrong or like I’m not good enough. I know I shouldn’t still feel like that at my age, but I can’t help it.”
“You can’t think like that, Caleb. It will eat away at you if you let it.”
“I know. I think that’s where my low self-esteem comes from. I just never feel like I’m good enough for anything or anyone.”
Caleb was looking away and I had to take a second to clear the shock from my face. “You think you aren’t good enough?” He certainly didn’t give that impression. I shook my head in wonder and let go of his hand, trading it for the side of his face.
Caleb eyed me warily. “Yeah.”
His crystal blue eyes were focused on me, vulnerability seeping out of them. He needed reassurance. He needed to know how everyone else saw him. “Caleb, you have a strength I have never seen in anyone. You are sweet, fun, and genuine. Your mom is the one who missed out. Your dad raised you right, and you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are.” I shook my head slowly, studying him. “I just can’t believe anyone would leave you if they had a choice.” As soon as I spoke the words, I felt a lump in my throat and looked down. I knew right then if I had the choice, I’d never leave him.
Caleb’s fingers nestled under my chin and I met his gaze. There was a struggle in his eyes until his lips turned up and he broke the serious conversation. “Trying to come on to me again, huh?”
I blinked, laughed, and shook my head. “I’m serious Caleb. Don’t ever forget it.”
Caleb swallowed. “I won’t.”
Present Day
“You remembered that?” I had a hard time believing he took anything to heart from that weekend, at least not the way I had.
Caleb laughed once without humor and rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. He shook his head slowly and looked at me with intense eyes. “I remember everything you said to me.” He peered out the windshield again. “I remember every minute of that damn weekend,” he murmured.
“I thought Simon was the one who helped you get it together. How did what I said to you help that much later?” I asked, staring at him.
“When I was at my lowest point, even with Simon there for me, I remembered what you said to me and thought about it over and over. You gave me hope for the future, that I could make something of myself, of my life. You were with me, every step of the way, and I needed that. Anyway, I received life insurance money from my dad passing away. It sat for a long time until I decided to do something good with it. I used it to start my business. Not all of it, but a good portion, and Simon went in with me as well. My dad would’ve been happy about it; happy for me. He always thought it was a good idea.” Caleb’s lips turned up at the mention of his dad.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Caleb.” Another question was on the tip of my tongue. “Do you…never mind,” I muttered before looking out my window.
“Do I what?” he asked curiously.
My nerves were making me jittery. I glanced at Caleb and looked down at my fidgeting hands. I was sure I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from him. “I was just wondering if you have…someone…now.” I peeked at him again and he had a crooked smile.
“No, I don’t. You probably would’ve heard about it by now if I did.”
I was relieved and sad at the same time. Clearly, he had not changed his views on relationships and marriage. I wasn't sure how I would’ve taken it had he told me he had someone. “You’re probably right.”
Caleb looked out his window, his own fingers fidgeting against the wheel. “I, uh…I haven't been close to anyone since you.”
My head shot back in surprise at the same time warmth spread though my chest. Caleb’s attention was out his window but when I didn't say anything, he glanced my way.
I finally blinked. “Are you serious?” I asked, disbelieving.
“Yes ma’am. The last person to touch these lips was you.” Caleb grinned and winked.
He was such a flirt! Still, I couldn't help but wonder over his admission. Did I throw him off women completely? That thought didn’t sit well with me. “Huh,” was all I could give him. I looked out my side window, at a loss for words. I wished I could say the same, that he was the last person I had kissed; but in truth, I went through my number of boyfriends trying to get over the man next to me.
CHAPTER 15
We stopped just before the zipline clearing and parked near the trees.
“Hurry, or we’ll miss it,” Caleb said, his voice straining as he reached into the back seat.
“Miss what?”
Caleb smiled mysteriously and gestured to my door. “Let’s go.”
With my curiosity piqued, I followed him to the clearing. He shook open a blanket with a snap and settled it on the cold grass. He then sat down, patting the spot next to him.
“What are we doing?” I asked, sitting in my reserved seat. My stomach fluttered at how closely we sat.
“We,” he started, looking through the bag, “are going to have something to eat and watch the sunrise before we zipline.” He retrieved large muffins, bagels, a Tupperware of fruit, and two bottles of orange juice.
“I take it this is Holly’s doing?” I asked as I reached for a muffin.
Caleb nodded. “I asked her if she could throw some things together for us. You need to eat if you’re going to attempt the zipline again.” He took the lid off the fruit and passed me a fork. I smiled gratefully as I took it from him. He was sweet to do this. Not only breakfast, but the arranged morning. I hadn’t thought about my missed adventure ziplining. This was proving to be a much better experience than yesterday.
It Was Always You Page 12
