“Before you had sex, you mean?”
“Yeah. It was stupid, but I was saving myself for him.”
“That’s not stupid, Lana. I wish I’d waited for someone special my first time. My first time was ... ugh!” She shivers, making a gross face. “Anyway, we’re not talking about me. This is the Lana and Kalvin show. What happened next?”
I fight another eye roll. “I found the courage to tell him I loved him, and he deflected. Tried to laugh it off, like my feelings were some kind of joke. I got mad and told him to get out. A few days later, he came back. Said he was sorry for how he’d reacted and he had feelings for me, too, but he didn’t know if he could commit to one girl.”
“What an asshole.” Indignation is ripe in her tone.
“What a pity I didn’t get that memo.” I chew on the inside of my mouth. “I focused on the only part of his admission that I wanted to hear—he had feelings for me too. I suggested we take things slow and casual, no labels or explanations, no exclusivity, just see where things went.”
“You didn’t.” Her mouth is hanging open.
I cringe a little. “I did mention I was obsessive and stupid, didn’t I?”
She jerks her head at me. “Go on. I sense we’re finally getting to the juicy stuff.”
Only someone who wasn’t there could refer to what went down as the “juicy” stuff. “I was in cloud cuckoo land for a couple of months. We met up in the cabin at least three or four times a week, like usual, but instead of just talking, we were making out like we needed each other to breathe, and it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before. Seriously, none of the guys I dated made me tingle all over like Kal did. I was walking around in a daze, completely infatuated and daydreaming about our future home and our kids and everything.” I shake my head sadly. “I was so stupid, but, in my defense, I was crazy in love, and he made me feel so much. Too much, really.”
“That’s the way first love should be, right?”
“Who knows?” I shrug. “I’m like the biggest screw-up when it comes to love. You should take anything I say with a pinch of salt. Honestly, I’m like an anti-love remedy. Listen to what I did, and then do the opposite.”
“Stalling, girlfriend. Move it along.”
“Move that along.” I show her my middle finger, and we both grin.
I do a belly flop, landing alongside her, mirroring her position. “If I’m the anti-love remedy, then Zoe is like the anti-love cure times a thousand. She was totally anti-Kal, and when she found us kissing one night, she went ballistic. She yelled at me until her face looked like it might explode, and, of course, I told her to fuck off and continued to wallow in ignorant bliss. Then Kal hooked up with this girl from my school at a party, and on Monday she regaled the whole cafeteria with a blow-by-blow account of”—I curl my fingers in the air—“‘the best sex of her life.’ That brought me back to earth with a bang.”
A painful ache ties my stomach into knots. Even now, it still hurts so much. “I don’t know how I ever thought I’d be able to handle him kissing me and hooking up with other girls at the same time. It was a recipe for disaster from the outset. I poured my heart out to him that night. I told him how much I loved him and how I’d been saving myself for him but I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t be his girl on the side. His dirty secret to hide. I told him I wouldn’t share him with other girls, and if he wanted to continue to see me, then he had to commit and promise to stay away from other girls—to be exclusively mine.”
Liv nudges me in the shoulder. “Good for you.”
“It was about time I stood up for myself. Honestly, I let that boy walk all over me, but I’m glad I had some sense of self-preservation, and he surprised the hell out of me by agreeing.”
Tears prick my eyes. “He told me he loved me, that I was the only girl for him, and he would commit to me. He promised.” Tears roll down my cheeks now. “I was deliriously happy, and a few nights later we slept together. It was the most incredible night of my life.” My tears turn to full-blown sobs, and I break down, burying my head in the comforter and crying my eyes out.
Liv smooths a hand up and down my back, but she doesn’t interrupt. She lets me vent. I roll onto my back, wiping my moist eyes with the corner of my pajama top. “It still hurts so much. I don’t think the pain will ever go away. Even though I hurt him way more, it does nothing to dampen the constant ache in my heart.” I clamp a hand over my chest.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” she asks quietly. “He’s the one.”
Everything locks up inside me, and immense terror has a vise-grip around my heart.
This is my worst fear come to life, but I can’t lie to her. Not about something like this. Not when she already knows so much.
Slowly, I nod.
Her lips pull into a grim line. “He doesn’t know, Lana, does he?”
Chapter Four
Kalvin
“I’m very disappointed in you, Kalvin,” Shelby says, stirring her coffee way too fast. Droplets land on the Formica tabletop as I look everywhere but at the girl sitting across from me. The diner is jammed. It seems everyone’s in need of a caffeine injection after the excesses of last night. “I thought you liked me.” I can hear the pout in her voice. Girls like Shelby aren’t accustomed to getting the brush off. Rejection isn’t sitting well with her.
“It’s not like that,” I protest, manning up and raising my eyes to meet hers.
“Please don’t give me the ‘it’s me not you’ speech. Don’t insult my intelligence.” She glares at me.
“Shelby, you’re beautiful, smart, and cool to hang with. Any guy would be lucky to date you, but I came here determined to stick to my goals. We went on a couple of dates, and it was casual. It was never leading anywhere for me. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.” I’m not trying to be a dick, but my lack of honesty has gotten me in trouble in the past, so I need to be blunt now.
I never should’ve hooked up with her that first night, but it’d been over a year since I’ve done anything with any girl, and I was depressed after my call with Kev. He’d only just confirmed that Lana wasn’t enrolled in UF, and my mood was low. I thought I’d lost her forever. Brett convinced me to go to the frat party with him, and when Shelby approached me, I didn’t turn her away. Empty inside, I’d needed to feel something. To know I wasn’t completely broken. We’d hooked up and then parted ways with no plans, and that suited me fine. When I’d bumped into her the following week, she’d convinced me to meet her for lunch. At some point, from then until now, it had turned into several dates, and she was starting to get clingy. I hadn’t slept with her again, and I sensed it was going to blow up in my face. Even if I hadn’t found Lana last night, the writing was already on the wall for Shelby and me.
Even thinking that—Shelby and me—feels wrong on so many different levels.
“This is about that girl last night, isn’t it?”
She’s way more observant than I gave her credit for.
She flings her blonde hair over her shoulder with noticeable defiance.
“Leave her out of this.” There’s no way I want Lana dragged into any more of my drama. I stand up, tossing a twenty on the table. “I’m sure we’ll bump into each other from time to time. I’d like to stay friends.”
“Screw off, Kalvin. It’s not like you’re anything special. I’ve been knocking guys back left and right, so I won’t be short on options.” She flicks her fingers in the air, swatting me away like an annoying gnat. “You’ve some nerve turning me down. Half the girls on this campus hate you. I was doing wonders for your rep.”
Wow.
What a dreamboat.
It’s a side of her I haven’t seen before, and my gut’s telling me this is the real Shelby. My bitch-o-meter is usually more reliable than this. I think I’ve been played.
Shoving my hands in the pockets of my j
eans, I wonder how I misjudged her so badly. “Okay, then.” She glowers at me as I walk off, but I couldn’t give two shits. My shoulders loosen up as I step out onto the sidewalk.
Back in the dorm, I change into my track shorts and shirt and rest on the edge of the bed to call Kev. “Dude,” he greets me.
“Bro. She’s here.”
“No shit.”
“I need you to hack into the college system again.” He mumbles something incoherent under his breath. “Please. She must be registered under a different name. Can you do a search for anyone named Lana and see what you find.”
“Okay. Consider it done.”
“Thanks, man. I owe you.”
He snorts. “Yeah you do.”
I hang up, feeling wired. I need to run this excess adrenaline off, so I head out to the track. After stretching, I start off at a leisurely pace, building my speed with each lap. My mind churns a million miles an hour. Finding her is only step one. I need a plan of action to win her back. Shelving Shelby helps. My track record with other girls is abysmal, and winning Lana’s trust is key. She needs to understand I want the whole shebang with her. I’m invested. Lock, stock, and barrel. I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level, and I think we’re finally on the same page. I want to commit to her exclusively. Now, I just need to convince her I’m genuine and pray that she hasn’t moved on.
I’m spread-eagled on the bed in fresh sweats, bare-chested, and listening to Bono rock it out on my iPhone when Brett graces me with his presence. He must have a new girl on the scene because he’s barely been here all week. Last night was the first time I’d seen him in days.
“What’s up, asshat?” he asks, dumping his gear bag on the ground. Crossing to the refrigerator, he removes two bottles of water, tossing one to me. A musty, sweaty smell filters through the air.
My nose wrinkles as I pull my earphones off. “Dude, you’re polluting the environment.” I point at the offending bag, adding in some gagging sound effects for good measure.
He shrugs. “And you’re insulting my manly smell. I’m wounded.” He pulls a chair over, swinging it around and straddling it. “You’re hardly in a position to throw stones. You leave your smelly shit lying all over the place.” He points at my damp running outfit, currently occupying center stage in the middle of the floor.
Valid. Not that I’m admitting it.
My nostrils flare in disgust as I jump up and open the window. “The difference is my sweat rocks. Yours reeks like hundred-year-old granny panties.”
He laughs, shaking his head. “Delusional much, Kennedy? Your shit smells the same as the rest of us.” Can’t deny that. “What you listening to?” He gestures toward my phone.
“Do you really have to ask?” I stick my head out the window and promptly retreat. I keep forgetting I’m not in Massachusetts. No gentle breeze offers relief from the noxious smells wafting around the room. The sticky humidity takes some getting used to; although, I’ve detected a slight change in the weather this last week. Apparently, the weather rarely dips below sixty here, and the humidity lingers like a bad smell, but it does get a little cooler during winter. My body temp is cranked to toasty all year round, and I never thought I’d hear myself complain about the heat, but the climate in Florida is fucking up my internal wiring. If I could get away with walking around naked, I’d do it.
“U2 is the shit, but you could vary it up. Your taste in music is a lot like your taste in women—singular and a bit on the boring side.”
I flip him the bird. “Don’t insult Lana or Bono and the boys. I’ll stick my dad on you.” Dad hails from Ireland, and the members of U2 are living legends in the Emerald Isle. I grew up indoctrinated. Dad rarely played anything else, and he’s attended every major event U2 has played in the States the last ten years, without fail. Once I turned thirteen, he brought me with him. None of my brothers understand our U2 obsession, and I love that it’s something I get to share with him alone. When we vacationed in Ireland last summer, we saw them live in Croke Park, and there’s nothing like watching living legends perform on home soil. The crowd was electric, the atmosphere was out of this world, and it was the experience of a lifetime.
“I can take Daddy Kennedy any day.” Brett flexes his fists. “Bring it.”
I roll my eyes, swigging from my bottle. “Where you been all week?” He makes a disgusting gesture with his hands, and I laugh. “Figured. Who’s the flavor of the week this week?”
“Sydney. She’s a senior. Met her at the party last week.”
“A senior, huh?” I’m impressed.
“Perks of playing college football.” He winks, puffing out his broad chest.
“You seeing her tonight?”
“Nah. Think it’s time to broaden my horizons.”
I chuckle. Brett has a short attention span. “She know that?”
“She’s cool, man. She knew what this was.”
“If you say so.” I’m remembering the last girl who turned up at our door, sobbing her heart out. “One word. Hayley.”
“Oh shit, man. Why’d you have to go and ruin my good mood. You know I feel bad about that.”
“Just looking out for you, bro. You forget, I’ve been you, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.”
“Says the born-again virgin,” he teases, and I give him the finger. “A few of us are heading to a party in Gainesville. Wanna come?”
“I’m down.” I need something to take my mind off Lana, and you never know, maybe she’ll turn up at this party too.
The party was a dud, but at least it was time suckage. Shelby spent half the night shooting daggers my direction, but she wasted little time moving on. She worked the room like a pro. Think she went home with one of Brett’s teammates. At least she’s no longer my problem. Thank fuck.
Sunday turns into Monday, and there’s still no word from Kev. I’m not known for my patience, and he cusses me out when I ring him for the umpteenth time Monday night. It works. He emails me a list a couple hours later. I’m disheartened to see over twenty names on the list. Fuck me. Who’d have thought Lana was such a popular name? Guess, I shouldn’t be all that surprised in a campus of over fifty thousand, but I’m overdue a break, and I thought Lady Luck was finally shining on me.
Due to some current system upgrade the college is undergoing, Kev wasn’t able to search by photo ID, so I’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way and call on every girl on the list until I find her. That doesn’t mesh well with my rapidly diminishing patience supply. I’m going out of my mind knowing Lana is so close but still so far out of my reach.
Tuesday and Wednesday come and go. I attend my classes, spend a couple hours at the track, and the rest of my time is spent checking out the names on the list. I’m growing more disheartened as each girl turns out not to be her. What if she registered under a completely different name altogether? How the fuck am I expected to find her then?
I’m sitting in the bleachers at the Sanders Football Field Thursday evening watching Brett’s practice as I mull over my options. I have seven addresses left to investigate. Seven girls. If one of them isn’t my Lana, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Unless I happen to bump into her again, I don’t see how else I can track her down. The chances of lightning striking twice are slim, but I can’t contemplate failure. Not when I’ve come this far. This close.
Shouting on the field rouses me from my depressive inner monologue. Brett and the douchebag supremo on his team are shoving one another as the coach repeatedly blows his whistle, calling for a time-out. Another coach races onto the field, and between them, they manage to separate the boys. Words are exchanged. It looks heated, but I can’t hear what’s being said from here. Douche pants throws his helmet on the ground and stomps off. Hanging his head, Brett walks in the opposite direction, toward the locker room.
The douche reaches my section of the bleac
hers and scales the steps two at a time. The man is a beast. And a grade A asshole. He seems to have it in for Brett, and this isn’t the first time they’ve clashed.
I narrow my eyes as I watch his ascent. He’s red in the face, and his hands are clenched into tight fists at his side. He sees me watching, and his lips twist into a snarl. “What the fuck you looking at, Kennedy?”
“Not a hell of a lot.” I lean back casually, locking my hands behind my head.
“Screw off. Go find some new girl to rape.”
I’m out of my seat before I’ve had time to process the move. Never mind that he’s built like a brick house, I’m not taking shit from no one. Especially not about that. I fist my hand in his shirt. “I didn’t rape anyone, fucktard, and I’ll kick your ass into next week if you insinuate that again.”
He snorts, pushing me away, and the urge to punch him until he bleeds is riding me hard. It would almost be worth the beating I’d get, except I can’t risk my place here. They’re big on safety, and violence on campus is a major offense. I need to maintain a squeaky-clean record. “Do I look like I give a shit? Give it your best shot, pervert.”
Rage pummels my insides, and I grind down on my molars. He may be broader than me, and packing more pounds, but I bet I could go a few rounds fueled by rage alone. Man, I want to hit this dude so badly. Lana’s face drifts in front of me, and I take a step back. I need to calm the fuck down before I ruin everything. “Whatever, douche. I’ve way better things to do with my time.”
He sends me a gloating smirk, and my eyes narrow to slits. Coach blows his whistle, purposely looking up here as he barks out a rough demand. “See ya later, perv.” Chase flips up his middle finger as he leaves. I sit back down, resting my head in my hands, mentally talking myself off the ledge.
Loving Kalvin (The Kennedy Boys Book 4) Page 4
