“I’ve thought of nothing else all week,” I admit, sitting upright. “I know I have to tell him. I always knew I would. I just didn’t think I’d have to deal with it so soon.”
“I think it’s the right thing to do.”
“How am I going to explain it?” My eyes close momentarily. “I almost destroyed his life once already.”
She winces. “It’s not the same thing.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. You know I’d never say such a thing, but I made a call last year, and now I’m going to pay the price. I thought there’d be time. When he has his life together, when it wouldn’t derail him, maybe after college …” I sound like a robot, or a trained monkey, repeating words that have been programmed in my mind.
“There’s never a right time to drop a bomb like this.”
“I know.” I’m quietly contemplative as my mind lingers over my conversation with Kal. “I falsely accused him of rape, and he still doesn’t hate me, but he will once he hears this!” I bury my head in my knees. “I’ve screwed everything up, and I’m so scared, Liv. What if he …” I can’t even finish the thought let alone articulate it.
She wets her lips. “Can I ask you something, Lana?”
I pick my head up. “Sure.” I left our last conversation hanging, and I know she must have lots of questions.
“Why did you do it? Why did you accuse him of something he didn’t do?”
I massage my temples as I prepare to tell her the rest of my sordid tale. “The day after he took my virginity, he told me we needed to keep our relationship a secret for a little while longer, just until he found the right time to break the news to his mother. He promised he hadn’t changed his mind and he was committed to me, but it left a sour taste in my mouth. I thought he was lying. That it was just like the kiss all over again, only this time it was worse. I was wracked with self-doubt. Kal had slept with lots of girls. Who was I to think he’d be interested in little, inexperienced ole me? I clearly wasn’t up to the job.”
I’m fighting tears again as old emotions return to taunt me. Liv rubs my shoulders, sensing how deeply traumatic this is to relive. “All I could think was that I was an embarrassment to him. That he didn’t want to be seen out in public with someone like me. I’m beneath him in so many ways—I’ve always known that. I was so upset—at him, at myself. We had the most vicious argument, and I told him to get out and leave me the hell alone.”
I drop my head on her shoulder. “I thought he’d come back. If not to tell me he’d do the right thing, at least to properly explain, but the rest of the week and the weekend passed without a word from him, and I was growing more and more disconsolate. Then Addison showed up.” Fiery pain burns behind my eyes.
“I remember her name from the news reports and that other case that came to trial a couple months back,” Liv supplies.
Addison’s half-sister was sentenced to life in prison at the start of the summer for the murders of two policemen and the attempted murder of Kal’s cousin, Faye. Addison was left paralyzed after her sister shot her when she tried to help Faye escape.
Karma is a bitch.
“Addison was Kyler Kennedy’s ex-girlfriend, and I knew she was a total bitch, but she played me perfectly. She told me Kal had come on to her the night before and that she’d had sex with him. At first, I refused to believe her because I knew how much Kal detested that girl. She had cheated on Kyler with his best friend, and he hadn’t been the same since. Kal despised her, so I thought it was a lie until she showed me the proof.”
“It’s true what they reported? She actually recorded it?” Liv looks aghast.
“Yeah. She had a tape of them fucking, which she took great delight in sharing with me.” I snort, even though it isn’t remotely funny. “I threw up all over her shoes, but she was performing the role of concerned friend, so she had to pretend it didn’t matter.”
“Lana, that’s … fucking awful. I can’t even imagine.”
“As long as I live, I’ll never be able to erase those images from my mind. It doesn’t matter that I’ve since found out she set the whole thing up—got him drunk, came on to him, and recorded them having sex—I will never forget how distraught I was that day. How much it hurt to know he had sex with someone else so soon after promising me he was finished with other girls, so soon after we had slept together. I gave him my virginity, and he did that to me!”
My trip down nostalgia lane is good for me. I can’t ever forget who Kal is. He may believe he’s changed, but can a person ever truly change something that’s so inherent to their nature?
I turn to face her. “Can you imagine seeing the boy you love having sex with someone else? The boy who has owned a piece of your heart for as long as you can remember. The boy who only has to look at you and you melt. Our connection was so strong, Liv. I could tell what he was thinking in any given moment just by looking into his eyes. I know his every nuance. I know his deepest darkest secrets, and he knows mine.” I sigh, staring up at the ceiling, feeling the pain as if it’s the first time I’m experiencing it. “How can two people who are intertwined so completely hurt each other so much?”
Her eyes are damp as she looks at me.
“I don’t know how to exist without him,” I admit truthfully. “He has always been a part of me, and trying to survive without him is slowly chipping away at my soul, yet the hurt still exists, refusing to go away. It devastated me, Liv, and it turns my stomach every time I think of it, yet the images won’t go away. They are as sharp in my mind as if I was an actual fly on the wall. If there was a defining moment, that was definitely it.”
I pause, needing to draw a long breath before continuing. “I was beyond livid. More so when I confronted him and he denied it to my face. That’s when I knew he’d been lying to me about everything. I was destroyed. Utterly heartbroken. I didn’t come out of my bedroom for days. I cried nonstop, and I thought my heart would actually break. I have never experienced such anguish, such physical pain. My parents were extremely worried about me.”
My poor parents. I’ve put them through the wringer this past year. Their marriage has fallen apart because of me, and that’s another addition to the list of things I can never forgive myself for. When I think about it, it’s a wonder I can haul my ass out of bed each day with the weight of self-revulsion pressing down on me.
“I can’t imagine how devastating that must’ve been,” Liv says quietly.
“It was horrendous. Of course, Addison was counting on that, and she manipulated me beautifully. She was there every day with soothing words and apologies. Then she started dropping little hints about how he needed to pay for what he had done. She painted herself as a victim too. Sobbed over how she would never get Kyler back now and how dirty she felt for having slept with his brother. We raged at the Kennedys together. It was a full-on bitch fest, and she fueled my thirst for vengeance. I was hurting so badly, and I wanted him to feel that pain. All the years of rejection, all the years of watching him hook up with other girls, all his false words of love—it took its toll. It replayed in my mind until I felt like I was going crazy. Maybe, I did. Stress can do funny things to a person.”
I take a shuddering breath as emotion attempts to overpower me. I still find it so difficult to talk about this. Even though my actions were despicable, and it’s a miracle Kal has forgiven me, it’s hard to completely forgive him for the part he played when the hurt is indelibly imprinted on my heart. Which is hypocritical, I know. He’s as much Addison’s victim as I am. We’ve both made terrible mistakes. Mistakes that have hurt each other deeply.
“When Addison first proposed her suggestion, I was disgusted, and I asked her to leave. There was no way I was accusing him of something he didn’t do, no matter how he’d treated me. But the more the thought infiltrated my mind, the more plausible it seemed. I knew it was wrong, but I was in a blind rage, and I veered back and forth for
days. Then Addison brought the condom Kal had used the night he was with her, and I saw red. I’m ashamed to admit I lost it. Went berserk. Trashed my room. My brain shut off. I went out and told my parents he raped me, then it all fell into place like Addison said it would.”
I start crying again. “I’m a horrible person, Liv. Not just for what I put Kal through but for rape victims everywhere. The thought that my actions might lead a genuine victim not to come forward still haunts me at night.”
Liv looks me directly in the eyes. “That’s why you volunteer at the center.”
“Yes. I need to give something back. To try and atone for my actions.”
“Does it help?”
“I honestly don’t know. I’d like to think I’m helping them, but I don’t know if it’s helping me. It’s a constant reminder of my mistake. Of how very wrong it was to accuse someone I loved of rape. I told him today there is no coming back from that.”
“A part of me understands it now. Why you felt you couldn’t tell him, but it’s not right that all the responsibility has fallen on you, either.”
“It felt like the appropriate decision at the time, but now I’m not so sure.”
We are both quiet for a bit.
“I think you were brave to come forward at the trial like you did. That took guts.”
“I had to fix things.” I look directly into her eyes. “I was less emotional by then, and I knew what I needed to do. I could’ve retracted my statement before the case went to trial, but Kal’s reputation was being slandered in the media, and I know how narrow-minded the local community could be. I was sure they were giving him hell in school, and then my attorney told me he got in more trouble for a fight at a party and he was on house arrest, and I felt awful. He was being punished for something he hadn’t done, and if I was going to make amends, then I had to do it publicly. I had to put the record straight in a way that ensured the media would report his innocence. It was the best way I knew to fix things. I didn’t even tell my parents. They heard the truth for the first time when I testified.”
“That must have been a shock.”
“They barely spoke to me for days. I let them down. Let myself down.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
I vehemently shake my head. “Don’t feel sorry for me. I don’t deserve it. I trusted the wrong person, and I’m smarter than that.”
“You can’t continue to beat yourself up over it. You have to move on.”
“I’m trying.” I look at her. “Does one mistake define who you are for life?”
“I don’t believe so. Everyone deserves a second chance. Kal is here now, Lana, and—”
“Don’t go there. Please. I’m hanging by a thread as it is.”
“What are you going to do about him then?”
“I don’t have a freaking clue.”
Chapter Eight
Kalvin
Brett comes bounding into the room, his hair still damp from a post-training shower. Dumping his foul-smelling duffel on the floor, he sends me a curious look. I jump up, stalking toward him, jaw taut and my fists clenched into balls at my side. “Hit me,” I demand.
“What?”
“Punch me in the face. As hard as you can.”
He stares me out of it. “Dude, are you high?”
I roll my eyes. “No! Hit me! Now!”
His brows nudge up. “Drunk?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yell. “Just fucking punch me!”
“Hell to the no. I know how this one ends. I hit you and then you’ll hit me, and before we know it, we’ll be knocking the shit out of one another.” He points at himself. “This face is far too pretty to mess up.”
“God, you’re insufferable,” I complain, mentally praying for patience I know I don’t have.
“I’m insufferable? Dude, you are one crazy, weird motherfucker.” He shakes his head as he bends over, opening the refrigerator and removing two beers. He tosses one to me. “Calm the fuck down, and tell me what’s going on.”
“What’s a guy to do to get a fist in the face?” I mumble, unwilling to let this go.
“If you’re that determined, start an online campaign. There are plenty of dudes who would kill to kick the shit out of the notorious Kalvin Kennedy.”
I drop back on my bed, groaning. “Did you have to go there?” It’s not like I need any reminders. He smirks, and I sit up, resting on the edge of the bed. Sighing, I drag my hands through my hair, still full of pent-up frustration. “I’m an idiot.”
Brett pops the lid on his can. “Well, duh!”
“Now I really want to punch you.” My throat works overtime as I tip the can into my mouth.
“Dude.” Brett leans into my face. “Let the punching thing go, and tell me what has you so riled up. I’m not a betting man, but if I was, I’d bet this was something to do with your girl.”
“She’s not my girl.” The thought cuts me up. “And considering how much I messed up today, I doubt she ever will be.”
He leans against the edge of the desk. “What did you do?”
I fill him in quickly. “I think I was holding my own until I brought up that douche, Chase.” I pummel my fists into my temples. “Ugh, I’m such a jealous, possessive freak.”
“You’re right to be wary of him. He’s a jerk, and I wouldn’t trust his motives.”
“Why her?” I plead. “Why does he have to be interested in her! As if this isn’t difficult enough. Someone cut me a fucking break here!” I yell at the ceiling, feeling all kinds of sorry for myself.
“We’re going out,” Brett decides, throwing a shirt at me. “You need to let off some steam.”
“Can you find me someone to punch?” I stand up, yanking the shirt over my head.
“No. Punching!” Brett sends me a stern look. “You can find other ways to chill.”
We return to the same frat house, and I frantically search the basement for her, but she’s a no show this week. I hang with Brett and his football buddies, but I’m not contributing much to the conversation. My limbs start loosening after my third beer, but my head is still an ugly mess.
Lana was different today. There’s a cold, apathetic edge to her personality that didn’t exist before. Her rejection was blunt and to the point, and it surprised me. One part of me likes that. Likes that she’s making me work for it this time. It’s no more than she deserves. But that other impatient, lazy part of my personality doesn’t want to wait. I have missed that girl more than I ever thought possible.
I need her back in my life.
I don’t care what I have to do—I’m going to win her back. Failure is not an option. That word doesn’t exist in the Kennedy vocab.
“Your brain is going to implode if you don’t stop overanalyzing it.” Brett props his butt on the edge of the table beside me.
“I never had to try that hard with Lana before, so I stupidly assumed I could coax her back into my arms. I need a new plan.”
“You sure this chick is worth all the effort? Getting emancipated so you can travel halfway across the country, miles from your family and friends, is a lot to do for one girl.” My mouth twists into a snarl. He holds up his hands. “All right! I get it. She’s worth it.” A serious expression washes over his face. “Can I ask you something and you won’t get mad?”
I snort. “You know me better than that, and the urge to punch something or someone hasn’t gone away.”
“You’re such an ass sometimes.”
I smirk. “You and me both, brother.” I tap my bottle against his, and we share a conspiratorial grin. A flutter of catcalls ripples through the crowd, and I glance up. A few girls are dancing on the counter, drawing admiring looks from all corners. Still can’t believe she did that. I smile at the memory, wishing I had caught more than a glimpse of my Lana shaking her
booty.
“How can you trust her again?” Brett asks, drawing me back to the conversation. “How do you know she won’t pull something like that again? Aren’t you worried?”
“Honestly? No. Lana only did what she did because I hurt her desperately. I’m never going to hurt her again, and she won’t do that to me either.” Lana may have changed, but she’s still the same person underneath. Good and kind and honest, and my supreme confidence in her trust comes from knowing her on a soul-deep level.
“I’m going to grovel like I’ve never groveled before,” I tell him, with a knowing nod. “I’ll do whatever it takes to win her back.”
“Nah, dude. No groveling necessary. Woo her.” Brett wiggles his brows. “Remind her how much she misses you. You can be devoted without groveling.”
Ideas swirl through my mind. “Dude.” I slap him on the back. “That’s an awesome idea.”
He shrugs, tapping his temple. “Plenty more of those up here.”
I laugh, and just like that, my melancholy lifts. Showing Lana how much I love her will speak volumes. She said words were too easy, so now I’ll prove it with my actions.
Brett nudges my shoulder. “Four o’clock. Is that your girl?”
I whip my head around, and my heart starts doing a victory dance in my chest. Lana is huddled in the corner with the same friend from last week and one of the frat guys I’ve seen around. I push off the table, knocking back the rest of my beer for Dutch courage. “Wish me luck.”
“Blow her mind, Casanova.” Brett touches his knuckle to mine.
I navigate through the crowd like a man on a mission. A few girls reach out for me as I pass, but I ignore them. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Shelby deep in conversation with a couple of her sorority sisters over the other side of the room.
Lana’s friend jerks her head in my direction, and Lana’s spine stiffens. She turns around, and all the air knocks out of my lungs. Her hair is styled in soft curls, and two sparkly clips hold her bangs off her forehead, showcasing her exquisite features. A light flush radiates her cheeks, and her eyes are smoky behind a layer of thick, black lashes. Her lips are plump and glossy, and they seem to call out “kiss me” to me, and I’d love to oblige, but that’ll probably only earn me a slap to the face. Her brows knit as I approach, taking the edge off my enthusiasm.
Loving Kalvin (The Kennedy Boys Book 4) Page 7
