She didn't know about Mott. I knew Navid was lying. No way would Caitlin have met with him. It must have been something she said that had tipped him off, but purely accidentally. She hadn't known. Hell, I hadn't known until Navid told me. I only knew he was a bastard.
"One of the ASIO agents was accused of negligence," I admitted grudgingly.
She perked up. "You mean that dodgy bastard Mott? Is that what they're calling it? Throwing your life and mine away so he could have kinky sex with Laura? I hope she paid him for it. Not that I think he would've been worth much."
My mouth flew open in shock and I couldn't seem to close it. Shit, I couldn't even catch one of the cyclone of questions swirling through my head.
Someone knocked on the door and Caitlin dashed to answer it. Forty-five minutes later, after the removalists had left, grinning, as they anticipated their free cartons of beer, I slumped on the sofa. I still wasn't sure what to ask first.
Caitlin bounced onto the blue cushion beside me. "Mott? It really was Mott?"
I nodded.
"Shit, I hope they take their time on him in prison. He deserves years of torture for what he let them do to me. But he likes that sort of stuff – at least that's what he said. Something about Laura being a wicked dominatrix. How long's his sentence?"
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I cleared my throat and tried again. "He won't get one. He killed himself a few weeks ago. Just before they sent the letters. That's why they sent them."
Caitlin closed her eyes. "How did he die?"
Looking at her screwed-up face, I wasn't sure if she wanted me to answer, but finally I did. "He stabbed himself with some weird knife. In the neck. Apparently it was really quick. Maybe he really didn't want to go to prison."
Caitlin's eyes snapped open. "Or he knew things no one wanted him to say in court." She inhaled sharply. "If he did kill himself, it's because he was offered a slower, more painful option. The question is whether he did it himself or if he hired someone else to do it. Because if he wants to silence everyone, I'm next."
"What do you mean you're next? You're suicidal, too?" I realised how bad that sounded, then added, "Suicidal like he was, I mean?" Not me. No matter what the doctors and my sister said, I wasn't ready to die yet.
"No. But I do have a stalker." She glanced out the window, where the sunset had turned the clouds pink. "I only see him at night, but I've seen him in the hospital car park and the one downstairs. It's like he's watching me, waiting for the order to...I don't know." Caitlin sighed, her shoulders sagging under the weight of her worries.
"Let me stay and watch, then," I suggested. "I'll keep an eye out for this stalker and if we do spot him, I'll tell you if I recognise him. Maybe even speak to him to ask what he's doing here. ASIO might have you under surveillance because they're worried."
The tension eased in her expression. "It'd be...hell, it'd be such a relief just to know I'm not alone in the house. Stay as long as you want. I know I'll sleep easier with you here."
And I'd sleep easier knowing she's safe, I thought but didn't say.
"Well, good thing you got a new couch," I said brightly. "Beats that little, cramped thing you had before. A pillow and a blanket and I'm set for the night."
"I wouldn't make you sleep on the couch, Nathan, unless you really want to," she said gently. "There's a bed in the guest room." She nodded at a closed door beside the study.
No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't sleeping with her, I inferred. Her grin widened as I watched, though, and I wondered. What would she say if I asked to sleep in her bed?
THIRTY-TWO
Her sweet body was a gift I didn't want to relinquish, my arms wrapping around her protectively as she drew sobbing breaths to keep pace with her hammering heart. I wanted to tell her she'd be all right, that I'd keep her safe, but I knew I'd be lying. We weren't alone and he was watching. Listening. Waiting for me to stuff up so he could have her and hurt her and...
"Fuck her right here and now."
God, I wanted to. This beautiful girl with more fire in her little finger than all the other girls I'd slept with combined had in their entire being.
"Start with a kiss."
She tensed in my arms, ready to run or spit in my face, like she'd done to him. He deserved it, though. For what he'd done to her. For what he was forcing me to do to her.
"I'm not going to hurt you," I told her, trying to say it quietly so he wouldn't hear. He'd make me hurt her, or Chris would die. I begged them both to forgive me – the girl in my arms and the sister who'd never know what I'd done to save her life.
Trying to ignore the killer watching me, I kissed Caitlin, exactly like I wanted our first kiss to be. Did I imagine her response? Her lips melted against mine, as if she wanted me as much as I wanted her.
Her body, squirming under mine on the mattress. Her voice saying no while her body said yes. And my body roaring its agreement.
No. No, she didn't want to be raped. She didn't want me and she was struggling to get away. Oh God, I'd almost raped the girl and I'd wanted to do it.
NO.
I jerked awake, my heart still racing from yet another fucked-up dream. I hadn't wanted to rape her. Shit, that's the first night I discovered impotence wasn't a myth. I'd had all the hardness of a limp noodle and I couldn't have done anything to her if I'd tried. That's why I pinned her to the mattress – to make it look like I could do it and hide the obvious truth that I couldn't. My own head was messing with my memories.
I reached for the pills beside my bed and they weren't there. The lamp had moved, too, I realised by the time I'd managed to find the bloody thing and click it on.
Oh shit. No, I'd moved. This wasn't my room or even the sterile hospital room I'd woken up in this morning – I was in Caitlin's guestroom, the one with the mosaic mirror that reflected my fractured mind. And I needed my sleeping pills to chase the bad dreams away.
I stumbled out of the room, heading for the bathroom. A quick glance told me there were no pills here, either, though I checked all the cabinets, just to make sure. No, nothing but some paracetamol and a whole heap of beauty products. Like Caitlin needed any of them.
Maybe she'd left them in the kitchen? Or beside the front door when we came in?
I prowled around the house, checking every spot I could think of in the living areas, but I came up blank. Without my pills, there'd be no more sleep for me tonight.
Caitlin would remember where she'd left them. Did I dare wake her up, though? Shit, I probably had already, stumbling around her house as I searched for the drugs I desperately needed. It's not like I wanted to take the whole bottle, I told myself, padding across the carpet to her room. I just wanted the recommended dose to put me back to sleep.
Her bedside lamp lit up the room when I swung the door open, so I could see her body cocooned in the quilt, but not her face. I stepped cautiously around the bed. "Angel," I began.
A sharp crack sounded and my muscles locked up like they were on fire. Then everything went black.
THIRTY-THREE
Sunlight burned my eyelids, so I forced them open. How in hell had I ended up sleeping on the floor of what looked like Caitlin's bedroom? I had the same pillow and quilt from the guestroom and every muscle hurt like I'd been in a fight. No need to ask who won – it had to be the other guy. I groaned as I sat up and then flopped back down, wishing my head would just explode and put me out of my misery.
"Nathan?" Caitlin peeped around the door frame.
So much for keeping her safe last night. Her stalker had been in her room and I'd been no use whatsoever.
"Are you all right?" I asked, praying that she'd somehow managed to fight him off while I'd distracted him.
"I'm fine. I should be asking you that. I'm really sorry I tased you. I should have warned you that I sleep armed now, but I didn't expect you to come into my room while I was asleep..." She tailed off and seemed embarrassed.
No less mortified than me. I'd crept into
her bedroom while she slept like some sort of stalker. I'm lucky she didn't have the knife she'd stabbed Simon with.
"Why were you in my room?"
"I couldn't find my pills and I needed them to get back to sleep," I admitted.
Caitlin edged into the room and perched on the bed. "You had another nightmare last night? Can you tell me about it?"
That I wanted to rape her? "No."
She shrugged. "No pills then. You tell me what's messing with your mind and stopping you from sleeping and maybe I'll let you have your sleeping pills again. One dose at a time."
I raised my head, wincing as pain ambushed me. "Well, your taser did the trick for me, I guess, so I don't need them again until tonight."
"Nathan..." she began, then seemed to change her mind. "Fine. If you're not ready to talk to me...fine. I should make you breakfast, though. To apologise for, well, running an electric current through your body until you passed out from the pain."
"When you put it like that, it'd better be the breakfast of champions," I grumbled, sitting up. "Shit!" I grabbed my head as the throbbing grew unbearable. "Oh God, I'll do anything. Just never use that thing on me again."
"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. I'm not used to waking up and finding someone in my bedroom. And with this stalker..."
I recognised the way she turned away as an effort to hide her tears. Trying to ignore my headache, I clambered to my feet and wrapped my arms around her. "No, I'm sorry. It was stupid and I didn't think how much I might scare you. I should know better." I wet my lips. "Tonight I'll just lie awake instead and watch for your stalker. Safer for both of us."
I could feel her relaxing in my arms, so when she sighed and pulled away, I didn't try to stop her.
"Nathan, if you won't tell me your nightmares, there's another way to help get rid of them."
I stared at her. Nothing got rid of my nightmares. Except her.
She swallowed, then continued, "You change the endings. When you're awake, you do it, so that when your mind goes through the nightmare again in your sleep, it'll use the new ending instead. They call it imagery rehearsal therapy. It's real and it works for a lot of people."
I laughed and it sounded bitter to my ears. "Imagine a different ending? What, that you weren't abducted, hurt, tortured and almost killed? That my sister didn't die? That's not going to happen, angel. Did it work for you?"
"No. It didn't have to. I wrote every damn thing down and handed it to you, ASIO, the police...and they went away. Yours aren't and if you won't tell anyone about them then maybe you should try something different."
I sighed. "Angel, my nightmares are about the things that scare me most. Memories that make me feel every negative emotion I can name. I remember the agony of my heart breaking in two and knowing it was all my fault. You think a sugar-coated fairy tale that ends happily ever after is going to cut it with a bit of wishful thinking? You know better than anyone that life isn't a romance novel, angel. The bloke who saved your life isn't a hero, he's just another villain who wishes he wasn't. But wishing doesn't make things true. Wishes are...wind. Nothing else."
Instead of giving up, she smiled. "That's what I said, too. If you want to forge a new ending to a powerful memory, you need to burn that new one into your brain like a brand. Not through wishful thinking. Action. Changing the ending. What's a hero's usual happy ending? Not in a fairy tale. Pick an action movie where the gritty hero shoots the terrorists and saves the day."
I snorted. "He gets the girl. Romance novels all over again, angel. Life isn't like that."
Her eyes held sympathy and sadness. "I'm offering, Nathan. Sleep with me for a night and when the nightmares wake you up, I'll help drive the bad memories out of your head. I'm a little rusty, but if you tell me what you like, we could try..."
"Sexual healing. You want me to use you as a prostitute so I'll feel better? No. You're better than that. Worth far more than that. I don't deserve you." I rubbed my neck as a pulse of pain intruded. "Besides, you'll probably just tase me again. And you'd be justified."
She squeezed my hand. "I'd put the taser away for the night. Just think about it, Nathan. That's all. I want to help you."
God, I wished I could tell her that even thinking about her body, writhing in passion with mine, would be enough to bring on nightmares, not end them. Because that's how the worst ones started. What began as the best dreams always ended badly. In blood, death and pain.
And the last thing I wanted was for her to let down her guard and endanger herself for me. If that stalker managed to get in while I was sleeping like a baby, I wanted her armed and able to stun that bastard into oblivion.
THIRTY-FOUR
Two am. Well, I'd managed half a night's sleep before the nightmares woke me. I stumbled to her kitchen, avoiding Caitlin's room, and poured myself a glass of milk. I itched to pour some alcohol into it, but I didn't know where she kept her brandy and maybe it was best that I didn't. If I were drunk, I'd give in and go into her bedroom and maybe do something we'd both regret. Or get tased again.
"Can't sleep or did a nightmare wake you?" Caitlin clicked on the light and I was mesmerised by the beautiful girl in a short, satin nightie. More beautiful than I remembered in my dreams, but that would probably change now I had this vision to remind me.
"First the second one, now the first," I said, gulping down the rest of my milk so I wouldn't have to say any more. "But if you'll tell me where you hid my sleeping pills..."
"There aren't any in the house. Your doctor refused to write a prescription and I agree with her. But I can write you one, and I will if I feel you're trying to use other means of ending your dependence on sleeping pills."
Her confession startled me. I didn't have anything to help me sleep? And she'd write a prescription, jeopardising her career if I just told her about my dreams?
"You're trying to bribe me with sex and drugs. Hardly ethical, doctor," I retorted, clunking my glass into the sink. I attempted to shove past her, but she braced her hands against the benches, blocking my way.
"I'm trying to help you and I'm beginning to think I'm the only one who can. You won't tell anyone else because it might land you in prison. I understand, I really do, hence why I'm willing to listen because I know what happened and I don't want you arrested, either. And I'm not just offering sex like it's a physio session or a prescription or some other service I provide to my patients. I wouldn't...I don't..." She dissolved into tears.
Shit, if there was one thing that broke my heart, it was Caitlin crying.
"You want to help me get over what happened to you? Great." I pointed at the ASIO offer letter. "Promise me you'll sign that. They let Mott terrorise us both and did nothing to stop him. Take them for every fucking cent they're willing to offer and then use it to go on holidays. To stay drunk or high or whatever it takes to numb the pain until the money runs out. Ruining people's lives. Stealing them from their loved ones and...and..." Fuck, I was going to cry, too. I really was losing it.
Caitlin's hand touched my back. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping I could crush the tears out of existence.
"I'll sign it if you witness it. But only if you promise to come on holiday with me. You need it. You know you do. Something to help you heal."
"If we sleep in separate rooms, then okay," I agreed and watched her sign away her silence. She'd given it to me for free, millions of dollars' worth, because she didn't believe I deserved to go to prison. My memories would punish me every day for the rest of my life no matter where I was. And I deserved it, no matter what she said.
She threw the signed papers on the table and we both sat there for a moment, not saying anything.
Caitlin broke the silence. Of course. She'd always been braver than me. "I'm going back to bed. You're welcome to sleep with me if you like."
Sleep. Ha. Being in bed with her would inspire my worst nightmares and I'd hurt her – she'd said as much before. When I had a nightmare, I hurt her without even being aware of my actions. I did
n't dare share her bed, awake or asleep.
THIRTY-FIVE
Three days I'd resisted her and it only got harder. No, I wouldn't tell her about my nightmares. No, I wouldn't sleep with her no matter how much I wanted to. Watching her sit in front of the dressing table only reminded me of my first morning here and how irresistible she was in the throes of passion. Perfect. Beautiful. Everything I wanted. And everything I couldn't have.
I had to go back to work or I'd go mad. I knew her time off was up – she'd said as much. Staying in her house without her would be weird, even more of an imposition than it was now, with her home. It was time to go back home and face Chris' wrath.
"Are you free this Friday or Saturday night?" she said, glancing at me before her eyes returned to her reflection as she rhythmically brushed her hair. A river of wine in the sunlight streaming through the window.
Just like the first time I saw Caitlin, her dancing step carrying her down the Terrace. Should have carried her far away from me and the darkness that pursued me.
"No, I'm working." I managed to say. I didn't want to tell her what my job was now. I did security work for a firm that did mostly big events. I'd been there a while and I was good at it – after my experience guarding Caitlin. I was the security supervisor for a couple of big concerts this weekend – no way I could back out of those. But one look at her made me want to.
"Never mind, then." She shrugged. "Maybe we could meet up another night, when you're not working."
Yes, please. And at the same time, no.
THIRTY-SIX
I usually didn't pay much attention to the band or the music when I was working. There were too many other things to occupy my mind. Like why Otto hadn't turned up for work this week and he wasn't answering his phone, either. He wouldn't be the first – shit, not even the tenth – guy to decide that security wasn't for him and not even bother to give notice. The welfare office sent unemployed guys on a short course in security and my boss, Dennis, was a sucker for hiring them. If they looked intimidating enough, even the few weeks' work he'd get out of them was good enough for him. Most new staff didn't stay long.
Afterlife of Alanna Miller Page 11
